Lord of the Things: Fellowship of the Thing
By Metal Gear Prime
Summary: The Transformers do The Fellowship of the Ring! A sure fire hit if ever there was one, right? Right?
Chapter 1: Prologue
Open up with a blank screen as the voice of Beast Machines Blackarachnia is heard.
Blackarachnia: The world is changing. I feel it…in the earth. I smell it…in the air. I hear it…on the news. Much of what once was is lost, thanks to the fact no one thought to write it down. Silly bastards.
The title "Lord of the Things" appears. The scene changes to show Blackarachnia and two generic Maximals staring at their hands, which are off camera.
Blackarachnia: Eons ago, Things of Power were created to govern the land of Middle Cybertron. Three went to the Beast Warriors, most interesting and best acted of them all.
Switch now to seven generic G1 Transformers raising their Things as if in a toast. The Things remain off camera.
Blackarachnia: Seven to the Generation One beings, most fondly remembered and capable of the cheesiest situations.
The scene switches to the Dinobots and Rotor Force, who look from their Things (off camera of course) to the camera.
Blackarachnia: And nine to the Sub-Groups, who above all else desired more screen time.
A map is now seen, focusing on the land of Snoredor.
Blackarachnia: But they were all of them deceived. For in the fires of Mount BOOM!, the Dark Lord Unicron forged a Master Thing. And into this Thing he poured his malice, his hatred and his love of American Soap Operas. One Thing to rule them all.
Show Unicron put the Thing on his finger.
Unicron: SURGE!!!!
Blackarachnia: And so it came to pass that a final alliance of Beast Warriors and G1ers marched to Snoredor and initiated a battle for the future of Middle Cybertron.
An absolutely massive brawl commences. Get used to it.
Blackarachnia: Things were going quite well…
We see Primus, King of the land of Gonpork, heroically slaying an enemy half his size while Optimus Prime, King of the land of Lotsofcash, directing the gunners.
Blackarachnia: …until a certain Dark Lord decided to enter the fray.
A loud boom is heard, followed shortly by a second. Everyone turns to see Unicron, wearing the Thing, approach. Three times the size of anyone present and even stronger than that, Unicron starts to smash the G1/Beast Warriors with his massive mace. Primus charges the goliath and a second later becomes a smear on the far rock face. His son, and the new King of Gonpork, Jazz witnesses this sight and rushes over to his father's gooey corpse. As he laments, Unicron sneaks up behind him. Jazz manages to detect Unicron and reaches for Primus' sword. Unfortunately, Unicron steps on the sword as Jazz lifts it, leaving the young king with the hilt and a jagged bit of the blade.
Blackarachnia: Just when all hope seemed lost, Jazz took up his father's blade and, in the flukiest moment ever recorded, cut the Thing from Unicron's hand.
We see this happening. Unicron explodes forthwith.
Blackarachnia: Left now with the Thing, Jazz had this one chance to destroy evil forever. Three guesses what he did.
We see Jazz a few days later, riding atop a horse and wearing the Thing around his neck. After a few seconds, Jazz stops the horse, a puzzled look upon his face.
Jazz: Why am I riding a horse? I turn into a Porsche, for crying out loud.
Before anyone could answer his query, a pack of wild Terrorcons attacked the party. Being the brave bot that he was, Jazz slips on the Thing.
Jazz: SURGE!!!!
Jazz turns invisible and legs it, leaving his soldiers to become the Terrorcons' light brunch. Diving into a river, he attempts to swim for the far shore, during which the Thing falls off his finger and sinks to the bottom of the river. Just as he is about to try to retrieve it, Jazz hears a cry from the riverbank.
Hun-Grr: Hey, there he is!
Jazz: Crap.
The Terrorcons merge into Abominus and blows Jazz into tiny pieces with his cannon. Meanwhile the Thing is seen resting on the riverbed.
Blackarachnia: The Thing, having successfully betrayed Jazz to his enemies, lay at the bottom of the riverbed for centuries, waiting for a new, and much smarter, host.
We see a hand scooping the Thing up.
Blackarachnia: It was to be sorely disappointed.
We now see that it is a young ant bot by the name of Scavenger who has snagged the Thing. His best friend Waspinator walks up to him.
Waspinator: What Ant-bot have in his hand?
Scavenger: Dunno. It seems to be a Thing of some sort.
Waspinator: Ooh! Can Wazzzzzpinator see?
Scavenger (suddenly possessive): NO! It's mine! It's my birthday present!
Waspinator: Birthday present? But your birthday isn't for another three months.
Scavenger: What's your point?
Waspinator: What the big deal anyway? It's just a stupid Thing.
Scavenger: You have insulted the Queen! BUUUUUURRRRRNNNNN!
Scavenger whips out a flamethrower and melts Waspinator. He then looks at the Thing in his hand lovingly.
Scavenger: My Queeeeeeen…
Scavenger runs off as the goo that was Waspinator bubbles a bit.
Waspinator: Why literary works of art hate Wazzzzzpinator?
Blackarachnia: And so it was that the Thing twisted Scavenger's mind and body for the next few centuries. Now called Inferno, the ant bot used the Thing to prolong his life and make himself invisible. Why? Who knows?
We see Inferno put the Thing on his finger.
Inferno: SURGE!!!!
Blackarachnia: Then, one day, the Thing sensed that its Master was rebuilding his armies to their former strength and was ready to renew his assault on Middle Cybertron. It left Inferno for this reason. Well, that and the fact that it was tired of telling him to stop referring to it as "My Queen". Not long after it had left the lunatic, it had the misfortune to be picked up by the unlikeliest creature imaginable.
Beachcomber: Heyyyyy man, what's this groovy trinket I'm seeing?
Beachcomber picks up the Thing and examines it.
Beachcomber: Whoa dude, this is the shiniest Thing I've ever seen!
Beachcomber is startled by a terrifying yelling coming from a distance.
Inferno: The Queen has been kidnapped! Whoever has done this shall BUUUUUURRRRRRNNNNN!
Beachcomber (storing the Thing in a subspace pocket): Far out, man!
Blackarachnia: And so it was that the Thing went to The Mire, the home of the Minibots. A place where, many years later, young Warpath Baggins will carry the fate of the whole of Middle Cybertron.
Warpath: KABLAM! ZOWIE!
Blackarachnia: …I think I need a stiff drink…
To be continued…