Sleep
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Author's Note: I found this on my computer the other day... It's not something I would have written today, but what the hey, I figured I'd post it anyway and see what reactions I get. Criticism welcome but please keep it constructive!
Disclaimer: Characters all owned by JRR Tolkien
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Estella Brandybuck lay and watched her husband Merry sleep. There were several candles lighting up the room, and the light from the candles were partly reflected in his sweaty forehead. It was another one of those nights.
Estella had known Merry larger part of her life, he had been a good friend to her brother Fredegar for as long as she could remember. She had only been a shallow acquaintance when he had left the Shire together with Frodo Baggins, Sam Gamgee and his best friend Pippin Took twelve years earlier, but after his return she had gotten to know him better, and now she had been his wife for three years. She had often marvelled at how both him and Pippin, and Sam Gamgee for that matter, could seem so unconcerned about what they had lived through during their year away from the Shire. Nobody knew exactly what they had experienced, the four Hobbits had only told certain parts, but everyone knew it had been something dangerous. Even if Sam had crawled deeper into his shell and got harder and harder for strangers to get to open up, neither Merry nor Pippin had seemed to have lost their cheerful spirits. At least she had thought so before.
When she had been engaged to Merry and had been making preparations to move in at Crickhollow after their wedding, she had been confronted by Pippin's wife since two years earlier, Diamond. Diamond had warned her and asked her if she knew what she was getting herself into. Diamond knew very well that Pippin was not as fine with his past as he appeared to be, and neither was Merry. Estella hadn't understood what she had meant by her warning, and even if she had it wouldn't have made any difference. She had wanted to marry Merry and she had never regretted it, even if it was hard a lot more often than she had expected.
This night it had been relatively easy. She could look back on an endless line of nights when it hadn't been as easy, and she had long given up hope that it would ever get any better. Some times it was better and some times it was worse. She could only hope that next time it would be one of the better times.
She had been married to Merry for a week the first time it happened. She had woken up in the middle of the night by Merry's arm accidentally hitting her on the shoulder. He was having a nightmare, and his arms were waving about uncontrollably. Estella had sat up in bed and shook Merry awake, he had awoken with a start and tears had started to fall from his cheeks. He had sat up and hugged her tightly, breathing heavily and obviously frightened. She had tried her best to comfort him and asked him to tell her about his dream, to which he had replied that such things were too dark to talk about during night. After a while he had gone back to sleep, clasping her tightly, and she had shrugged it off as just a regular nightmare. But in the morning he had been quieter than usual, and after a shared look with Pippin gone off to their study. Diamond had looked at Estella and given her a look that seemed to say "I guess now you know".
Five nights later it had happened again, this time she had been awoken by her husband yelping in his sleep. She had once again woken him up and held him as he slowly stopped shivering, but she wasn't as quick to brush it aside as she had been last time. Once again she had asked him to talk about it, and once again he had replied that it was too dark to talk about during night. So the next morning she had asked him to tell her what he had dreamed about.
"I dreamed I was there again" Merry had responded, avoiding her eyes.
"There?" Estella had said. She understood that it was in some way connected with his journey, but she wanted to know more. "Where is there?"
"Moria" he had responded, and said nothing more.
The same thing happened again a few days later, this time when she asked him he had responded that he had been at Amon Hen. After a quick first breakfast he had gone off with Pippin somewhere, apparently to talk about his dream. Estella had sunk down on the doorsteps outside and soon been joined by Diamond.
"He'll talk to Pippin" Estella had said. "But not with me. He just mentions some weird location that I've never heard about before. What's going on?"
"Pippin's the same way" Diamond said. "And there's nothing you can do. Just accept it."
Estella didn't want to accept it. She wanted to know what the problem was and what she could do to help. But instead of getting better it had only gotten worse. After two months she had learned what a really bad night was like.
Merry twitched in his sleep, and Estella carefully put a hand on his forehead. She hoped he wouldn't wake up again, and she hoped she could fall asleep too soon. She was tired, and she had an early day the next day.
She blew out yet another candle, then decided to leave the other ones burning. But even though she was really tired sleep wouldn't come to her. She couldn't stop thinking about the many long nights with Merry's nightmares.
It had taken her a while to realize that Pippin had them too, even though Diamond had mentioned it previously. Pippin reacted differently to them than Merry did, he often left his bed and went strolling around the house, for hours sometimes, trying to get the images and memories out of his head. Estella knew that Diamond was hurt that he wouldn't look to her for comfort, but Pippin said he didn't want to. He claimed that if he would turn to Diamond when he awoke with nightmares he would never be able to let her hold him without his mind drifting to his bad memories. Merry was different, mostly he didn't even seem aware that it was Estella who was holding him when he had awoken from his dreams.
It happened every now and then that one of them would have a dream which nearly made them panic. They would never tell their wives what those dreams were about, even if they every now and then told them selected parts of their other nightmares. When they awoke from a really bad nightmare they would seek comfort in each other. Estella remembered many nights when she had been woken up by Merry shifting in the bed, and then heard the quiet voice of a scared and whispering Pippin. Pippin had during his young years gone to his older cousin if he could after a nightmare, and slept in his bed instead of his parents, and after the really bad nightmares it seemed like instinct to him to come to the Brandybucks' bedroom. And Merry would move closer to Estella, allowing Pippin to climb up on the bed and fall asleep in his cousins arms. Pippin would never talk to Merry about his dreams during night. Pippin never awoke with a start from those nightmares, meaning Diamond would sleep through them, and he would be careful not to wake her on his way out of their bedroom. And Diamond was never pleased when she woke up to find the other side of the bed empty. It had happened a few times that Pippin had been hysterical when he had come to Merry during the night, and Merry would have had to sit up and try to calm him down with words and actions, often shaking the younger Hobbit violently. Those nights Estella would go over to Pippin and Diamond's bedroom and sleep there instead, and Diamond seemed to appreciate it. It was only during those nights that Diamond would allow herself to cry out of despair for her situation. She felt abandoned and lonely each time Pippin looked to Merry for comfort, and she hated the powerless feeling of being unable to help the one she loved when he was going through painful experiences.
Merry reacted differently to his worst nightmares. He always awoke with a cry, and leaped out of bed and was gone in a second. Just as Pippin he would go to his cousin, but Merry wasn't looking for sleep when he came. Pippin would get out of bed and go with Merry to their study, the place where they always talked about their journey, and Merry would talk about his dreams and his fears until dawn. He would return to the bed with the sun, completely exhausted, but unwilling to let Estella comfort him. Pippin on the other hand would sit in the study for hours more, writing down his talks with Merry and his own thoughts on it. He would later fall into a deep sleep that night, free from all nightmares.
Diamond and Estella had sometimes talked about reading the by now several books which Pippin had filled with his and Merry's nightmares, but always come to the conclusion not to. They didn't want to know what was in those books, obviously their husbands didn't believe they would be able to handle what they couldn't handle themselves.
Estella gave up on trying to sleep and carefully got out of bed. She grabbed the notepad on Merry's night table and a pen, and wrote "Sitting room" on a piece of paper. She drew a heart underneath it and placed it on her pillow, where Merry would find it in case he woke up again and needed her. She then grabbed her night robe and left the bedroom to go to the cosy sitting room. She sat down in an armchair and stared into the dying glow in the fireplace, filled with three years old questions which she never believed to get an answer to.
"Trouble sleeping, Madam Brandybuck?" she heard a soft voice behind her say.
She turned around and saw the tall, blonde Elf that was a guest in the house standing in the doorway.
"Yes" she replied, not knowing what else to say.
"May I?" the Elf asked, and gestured toward the floor. He preferred to sit there, since the couch and armchairs were too small for him anyway.
"Certainly" Estella whispered.
The Elf sat down with crossed legs on the big rug, looking up at her. He was one of her husband's dearest friends, yet she had met him for the first time two weeks earlier. Pippin and Diamond had after five years of marriage finally become parents, a lovely little Hobbit boy that Pippin had insisted on naming Faramir. As a surprise for his friend, Merry had invited two old friends to the baby's birth party and name giving ceremony, and the two friends had decided to stay for a couple of months. One was a Dwarf and the other was an Elf, and surprising as it had been the two were almost as inseparable as Merry and Pippin. Neither Estella nor Diamond had ever seen such joyous light in Pippin's eyes as when he had met his old friends again, but they were both a bit uncomfortable in their presence. Gimli the Dwarf had been like most Dwarfs they'd met, yet somehow different. And neither one of them had ever met an Elf before, and Legolas had in spite of his calm way had scared them both. Now they weren't scared of him anymore, but they were both uncomfortable in his presence.
"How is Merry?" Legolas asked after a long silence.
"Sleeping" Estella whispered, staring into the fire which Legolas had gotten going again.
"Well?"
"I guess."
Legolas nodded. He had been a guest here for two weeks and he had been in a terrific mood, just as Gimli. Both were thrilled to be with their old, dear friends again, even though they didn't see much of Sam. They had spent most of the days together with the other two Hobbits, exploring the Shire and beginning to understand what the Hobbits had fought for. But after the first week both he and Gimli had noticed something different in Pippin one morning. He had been quiet and withdrawn, and together with Merry disappeared for a few hours. Two nights later Gimli had met Pippin during one of his nightly strolls, this time disguising it as burping the baby even though little Faramir was well asleep in his father's arms. Up until tonight though, Legolas and Gimli had believed that it was only Pippin who was suffering from the nightmares. Merry had always been stronger than his cousin, and Pippin had been much younger when he had lived through the War of the Ring. But tonight Legolas had been up watching the stars and heard Merry cry out in his sleep when he walked past his bedroom.
"What did he dream?" he now asked Merry's wife.
"I don't know" Estella said, fighting with the tears. "He won't say."
Legolas nodded.
"Such things are better not to discuss in the dark" he said.
"That's what Merry says" Estella said bitterly. "But he won't talk in daylight either. I'm so powerless to do anything, he suffers and I can't help!"
"There are only eight who can" Legolas said with a slight nod. "One of those is dead. Two others have left Middle-Earth and a fourth has vowed not to set foot in the Shire."
"The Fellowship" Estella mumbled.
"Indeed" Legolas said.
"And they are not here when he needs them."
"They are... Not always in person, but good friends don't always need to see each other in person. They can speak in different ways."
"I am starting to feel like Diamond" Estella said, not knowing why she was about to open up to this to her intimidating stranger. But because he was a stranger it felt easy to talk with him, and he was at the same time one of her husband's closest friends and he knew what she spoke about. Merry trusted him with his life and soul, she could trust him with her thoughts.
"When you live closely together you often start to think and feel alike" Legolas responded.
"But I vowed to myself never to think like Diamond on this matter" Estella said. "I vowed to myself never to question why Merry chose to take a wife!"
She quickly covered her mouth with her hand, unable to believe that that comment had just slipped out of her, and in front of the Elf to top it all off. Legolas frowned.
"Madam…" he said. "What do you mean?"
"Don't call me madam" Estella whispered. "Merry has told you time and again, call me Estella!"
"Estella you didn't answer my question. It may not be an area in which my concern is justified, but I wish to know!"
"I was raised to believe that a marriage was a mixture between friendship and love" Estella said. "That the married people would turn to their spouse for their needs, both physical" she said with a blush, "and mental. To turn to the other when scared, lonely, sad, happy, whatever emotion you wish!"
"And Merry turns to Pippin" Legolas said.
"Yes" Estella replied, yet again in a whisper.
"The most important part in a marriage is love" Legolas calmly said. "And trust me… It is out of love that Merry and Pippin look to each other instead of to you. Their secrets are darker than you can imagine, their scars deeper than you could ever see and their agony worse than any Hobbit save Sam and Frodo have lived through. Yet they are still cheerful, they are still the merry Hobbits they were to begin with. There is somewhere else to turn except for to your spouse, there is family. And the Fellowship is a family. We are the only ones who know what they know, who feel what they feel and who remember what they remember. They wish to protect you from it, they don't want you to know. Perhaps they think you'll think less of them if you knew."
"Nothing he could ever confess could make me think less of him" Estella said.
"Trust me, madam Brandybuck…" Legolas said. "You do not wish to share his memories. It's better if you can remain the innocence that you represent to him, that he can look at you and not remember anything bad among all the good."
"How can him and Pippin be so… ordinary by day, and then so… so… so affected by night?" Estella asked.
"When they're awake they can push the bad thoughts aside. Hobbits are remarkable at this! They're not unhappy, not at all, they love life and it's obvious. But when they go to sleep they can't keep up their barriers against their old fears and demons." Legolas rose and put the fire out. "There is nothing for you to do. Except love him."
Estella sat alone again, once again watching the glow from the fire slowly burn out. She thought about what the Elf had said, and somehow it made sense. But she hadn't gotten much useful out of him, he had mostly just said what she had already known or suspected. She could hear the baby cry, and quickly be silenced by Diamond's motherly comfort. She longed for a child of her own. For what felt like an hour, but was most likely only a half one, she sat alone in the sitting room, which was getting cold now that the fire was dying out. Then she felt a pair of hands on her shoulders.
"It's not good manners to sneak away from your husband at night" Merry's voice said calmly, slightly hinting that he was joking. "Estella are you all right?"
"I was hoping you would sleep through the rest of the night" she answered.
"I got cold in bed without you" Merry responded, gently rubbing her shoulders.
"What did you dream just now?" she asked, knowing that he wouldn't answer anyway.
"Nothing bad" came the surprising answer. "I just got cold… Come!"
He took her hand and gently pulled her up on her feet. The blanket she had wrapped around her fell down and he picked it up and draped it over her shoulders. He seemed calm now, more like his regular self. He touched her cheek gently and gave her a kiss, then led her to the couch so they could sit.
"I wonder who Sam turns to when he has really bad nightmares" he said.
"You didn't have a really bad one tonight" Estella replied.
"I know… But I wonder who he turns to."
"Rose perhaps" Estella suggested.
"Maybe so…" Merry said.
He didn't say anything else, and neither did Estella. She just sat by him as he stared out in space, his mind occupied with something. Then he turned to her and gently pushed her down on her back, laying himself on top of her.
"This place is getting cold too" he said.
"Start up the fire again" Estella suggested.
"Not much idea" Merry said with a shrug to the shoulder. He kissed her tenderly and then moved from her mouth to her neck.
"Merry not here…" she said.
Merry stopped placing kisses along her neck, and instead rested his head against her chest. She pulled the blanket around them both and he sighed deeply.
"Many nights…" he said. "Many nights did I fall asleep to the beating of a heart. Mostly Pippin's, often Frodo's… Sometimes Borormir's, occasionally Legolas' or Gimli's. And every once in a while Strider's" He paused for a second. "I never fell asleep to an unspoiled heartbeat until I fell asleep you yours" he whispered.
"Unspoiled?"
"Robbed of it's innocence."
"Mine's not unspoiled" she responded. "Were your friends' hearts spoiled all the way? From the day you left the Shire? Weren't they unspoiled first?"
"Never like yours is" Merry answered. "Us Hobbits met fear and danger on our very first day outside the Shire. The others were warriors. They had seen toil."
She nodded, even though he couldn't see it. She felt a bit scared, even though he was showing signs of opening up to her like she had always hoped he would. His weight was getting heavy on top of her, but she hoped it didn't show. She thought about what Legolas had said, that all she could do for him was to love him. After a long pause he lifted his head and looked at her.
"It's getting cold here" he said. "Let's go back to our bedroom."
She nodded, thankful to have his weight lifted off her, even though she didn't like to admit it. But he was a rather large Hobbit and he weighed thereafter, even though he hadn't shown much signs of growing sideways. She left the blanket behind and followed him to their bedroom where they got under the sheets. Merry blew out the last candles and it got pitch black. He reached out for her and she once again felt his weight on her, this time in a different way and one much more preferred. A while later she was lying still on top of him, his right hand draped over her and his left playing with her long curly hair. He was calm and peaceful now, she could almost forget that this had been one of those nights. She realized how exhausted she was and closed her eyes. She could feel and almost hear his hour beating right by her left ear. It sounded unspoiled.
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Author's Note: I found this on my computer the other day... It's not something I would have written today, but what the hey, I figured I'd post it anyway and see what reactions I get. Criticism welcome but please keep it constructive!
Disclaimer: Characters all owned by JRR Tolkien
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Estella Brandybuck lay and watched her husband Merry sleep. There were several candles lighting up the room, and the light from the candles were partly reflected in his sweaty forehead. It was another one of those nights.
Estella had known Merry larger part of her life, he had been a good friend to her brother Fredegar for as long as she could remember. She had only been a shallow acquaintance when he had left the Shire together with Frodo Baggins, Sam Gamgee and his best friend Pippin Took twelve years earlier, but after his return she had gotten to know him better, and now she had been his wife for three years. She had often marvelled at how both him and Pippin, and Sam Gamgee for that matter, could seem so unconcerned about what they had lived through during their year away from the Shire. Nobody knew exactly what they had experienced, the four Hobbits had only told certain parts, but everyone knew it had been something dangerous. Even if Sam had crawled deeper into his shell and got harder and harder for strangers to get to open up, neither Merry nor Pippin had seemed to have lost their cheerful spirits. At least she had thought so before.
When she had been engaged to Merry and had been making preparations to move in at Crickhollow after their wedding, she had been confronted by Pippin's wife since two years earlier, Diamond. Diamond had warned her and asked her if she knew what she was getting herself into. Diamond knew very well that Pippin was not as fine with his past as he appeared to be, and neither was Merry. Estella hadn't understood what she had meant by her warning, and even if she had it wouldn't have made any difference. She had wanted to marry Merry and she had never regretted it, even if it was hard a lot more often than she had expected.
This night it had been relatively easy. She could look back on an endless line of nights when it hadn't been as easy, and she had long given up hope that it would ever get any better. Some times it was better and some times it was worse. She could only hope that next time it would be one of the better times.
She had been married to Merry for a week the first time it happened. She had woken up in the middle of the night by Merry's arm accidentally hitting her on the shoulder. He was having a nightmare, and his arms were waving about uncontrollably. Estella had sat up in bed and shook Merry awake, he had awoken with a start and tears had started to fall from his cheeks. He had sat up and hugged her tightly, breathing heavily and obviously frightened. She had tried her best to comfort him and asked him to tell her about his dream, to which he had replied that such things were too dark to talk about during night. After a while he had gone back to sleep, clasping her tightly, and she had shrugged it off as just a regular nightmare. But in the morning he had been quieter than usual, and after a shared look with Pippin gone off to their study. Diamond had looked at Estella and given her a look that seemed to say "I guess now you know".
Five nights later it had happened again, this time she had been awoken by her husband yelping in his sleep. She had once again woken him up and held him as he slowly stopped shivering, but she wasn't as quick to brush it aside as she had been last time. Once again she had asked him to talk about it, and once again he had replied that it was too dark to talk about during night. So the next morning she had asked him to tell her what he had dreamed about.
"I dreamed I was there again" Merry had responded, avoiding her eyes.
"There?" Estella had said. She understood that it was in some way connected with his journey, but she wanted to know more. "Where is there?"
"Moria" he had responded, and said nothing more.
The same thing happened again a few days later, this time when she asked him he had responded that he had been at Amon Hen. After a quick first breakfast he had gone off with Pippin somewhere, apparently to talk about his dream. Estella had sunk down on the doorsteps outside and soon been joined by Diamond.
"He'll talk to Pippin" Estella had said. "But not with me. He just mentions some weird location that I've never heard about before. What's going on?"
"Pippin's the same way" Diamond said. "And there's nothing you can do. Just accept it."
Estella didn't want to accept it. She wanted to know what the problem was and what she could do to help. But instead of getting better it had only gotten worse. After two months she had learned what a really bad night was like.
Merry twitched in his sleep, and Estella carefully put a hand on his forehead. She hoped he wouldn't wake up again, and she hoped she could fall asleep too soon. She was tired, and she had an early day the next day.
She blew out yet another candle, then decided to leave the other ones burning. But even though she was really tired sleep wouldn't come to her. She couldn't stop thinking about the many long nights with Merry's nightmares.
It had taken her a while to realize that Pippin had them too, even though Diamond had mentioned it previously. Pippin reacted differently to them than Merry did, he often left his bed and went strolling around the house, for hours sometimes, trying to get the images and memories out of his head. Estella knew that Diamond was hurt that he wouldn't look to her for comfort, but Pippin said he didn't want to. He claimed that if he would turn to Diamond when he awoke with nightmares he would never be able to let her hold him without his mind drifting to his bad memories. Merry was different, mostly he didn't even seem aware that it was Estella who was holding him when he had awoken from his dreams.
It happened every now and then that one of them would have a dream which nearly made them panic. They would never tell their wives what those dreams were about, even if they every now and then told them selected parts of their other nightmares. When they awoke from a really bad nightmare they would seek comfort in each other. Estella remembered many nights when she had been woken up by Merry shifting in the bed, and then heard the quiet voice of a scared and whispering Pippin. Pippin had during his young years gone to his older cousin if he could after a nightmare, and slept in his bed instead of his parents, and after the really bad nightmares it seemed like instinct to him to come to the Brandybucks' bedroom. And Merry would move closer to Estella, allowing Pippin to climb up on the bed and fall asleep in his cousins arms. Pippin would never talk to Merry about his dreams during night. Pippin never awoke with a start from those nightmares, meaning Diamond would sleep through them, and he would be careful not to wake her on his way out of their bedroom. And Diamond was never pleased when she woke up to find the other side of the bed empty. It had happened a few times that Pippin had been hysterical when he had come to Merry during the night, and Merry would have had to sit up and try to calm him down with words and actions, often shaking the younger Hobbit violently. Those nights Estella would go over to Pippin and Diamond's bedroom and sleep there instead, and Diamond seemed to appreciate it. It was only during those nights that Diamond would allow herself to cry out of despair for her situation. She felt abandoned and lonely each time Pippin looked to Merry for comfort, and she hated the powerless feeling of being unable to help the one she loved when he was going through painful experiences.
Merry reacted differently to his worst nightmares. He always awoke with a cry, and leaped out of bed and was gone in a second. Just as Pippin he would go to his cousin, but Merry wasn't looking for sleep when he came. Pippin would get out of bed and go with Merry to their study, the place where they always talked about their journey, and Merry would talk about his dreams and his fears until dawn. He would return to the bed with the sun, completely exhausted, but unwilling to let Estella comfort him. Pippin on the other hand would sit in the study for hours more, writing down his talks with Merry and his own thoughts on it. He would later fall into a deep sleep that night, free from all nightmares.
Diamond and Estella had sometimes talked about reading the by now several books which Pippin had filled with his and Merry's nightmares, but always come to the conclusion not to. They didn't want to know what was in those books, obviously their husbands didn't believe they would be able to handle what they couldn't handle themselves.
Estella gave up on trying to sleep and carefully got out of bed. She grabbed the notepad on Merry's night table and a pen, and wrote "Sitting room" on a piece of paper. She drew a heart underneath it and placed it on her pillow, where Merry would find it in case he woke up again and needed her. She then grabbed her night robe and left the bedroom to go to the cosy sitting room. She sat down in an armchair and stared into the dying glow in the fireplace, filled with three years old questions which she never believed to get an answer to.
"Trouble sleeping, Madam Brandybuck?" she heard a soft voice behind her say.
She turned around and saw the tall, blonde Elf that was a guest in the house standing in the doorway.
"Yes" she replied, not knowing what else to say.
"May I?" the Elf asked, and gestured toward the floor. He preferred to sit there, since the couch and armchairs were too small for him anyway.
"Certainly" Estella whispered.
The Elf sat down with crossed legs on the big rug, looking up at her. He was one of her husband's dearest friends, yet she had met him for the first time two weeks earlier. Pippin and Diamond had after five years of marriage finally become parents, a lovely little Hobbit boy that Pippin had insisted on naming Faramir. As a surprise for his friend, Merry had invited two old friends to the baby's birth party and name giving ceremony, and the two friends had decided to stay for a couple of months. One was a Dwarf and the other was an Elf, and surprising as it had been the two were almost as inseparable as Merry and Pippin. Neither Estella nor Diamond had ever seen such joyous light in Pippin's eyes as when he had met his old friends again, but they were both a bit uncomfortable in their presence. Gimli the Dwarf had been like most Dwarfs they'd met, yet somehow different. And neither one of them had ever met an Elf before, and Legolas had in spite of his calm way had scared them both. Now they weren't scared of him anymore, but they were both uncomfortable in his presence.
"How is Merry?" Legolas asked after a long silence.
"Sleeping" Estella whispered, staring into the fire which Legolas had gotten going again.
"Well?"
"I guess."
Legolas nodded. He had been a guest here for two weeks and he had been in a terrific mood, just as Gimli. Both were thrilled to be with their old, dear friends again, even though they didn't see much of Sam. They had spent most of the days together with the other two Hobbits, exploring the Shire and beginning to understand what the Hobbits had fought for. But after the first week both he and Gimli had noticed something different in Pippin one morning. He had been quiet and withdrawn, and together with Merry disappeared for a few hours. Two nights later Gimli had met Pippin during one of his nightly strolls, this time disguising it as burping the baby even though little Faramir was well asleep in his father's arms. Up until tonight though, Legolas and Gimli had believed that it was only Pippin who was suffering from the nightmares. Merry had always been stronger than his cousin, and Pippin had been much younger when he had lived through the War of the Ring. But tonight Legolas had been up watching the stars and heard Merry cry out in his sleep when he walked past his bedroom.
"What did he dream?" he now asked Merry's wife.
"I don't know" Estella said, fighting with the tears. "He won't say."
Legolas nodded.
"Such things are better not to discuss in the dark" he said.
"That's what Merry says" Estella said bitterly. "But he won't talk in daylight either. I'm so powerless to do anything, he suffers and I can't help!"
"There are only eight who can" Legolas said with a slight nod. "One of those is dead. Two others have left Middle-Earth and a fourth has vowed not to set foot in the Shire."
"The Fellowship" Estella mumbled.
"Indeed" Legolas said.
"And they are not here when he needs them."
"They are... Not always in person, but good friends don't always need to see each other in person. They can speak in different ways."
"I am starting to feel like Diamond" Estella said, not knowing why she was about to open up to this to her intimidating stranger. But because he was a stranger it felt easy to talk with him, and he was at the same time one of her husband's closest friends and he knew what she spoke about. Merry trusted him with his life and soul, she could trust him with her thoughts.
"When you live closely together you often start to think and feel alike" Legolas responded.
"But I vowed to myself never to think like Diamond on this matter" Estella said. "I vowed to myself never to question why Merry chose to take a wife!"
She quickly covered her mouth with her hand, unable to believe that that comment had just slipped out of her, and in front of the Elf to top it all off. Legolas frowned.
"Madam…" he said. "What do you mean?"
"Don't call me madam" Estella whispered. "Merry has told you time and again, call me Estella!"
"Estella you didn't answer my question. It may not be an area in which my concern is justified, but I wish to know!"
"I was raised to believe that a marriage was a mixture between friendship and love" Estella said. "That the married people would turn to their spouse for their needs, both physical" she said with a blush, "and mental. To turn to the other when scared, lonely, sad, happy, whatever emotion you wish!"
"And Merry turns to Pippin" Legolas said.
"Yes" Estella replied, yet again in a whisper.
"The most important part in a marriage is love" Legolas calmly said. "And trust me… It is out of love that Merry and Pippin look to each other instead of to you. Their secrets are darker than you can imagine, their scars deeper than you could ever see and their agony worse than any Hobbit save Sam and Frodo have lived through. Yet they are still cheerful, they are still the merry Hobbits they were to begin with. There is somewhere else to turn except for to your spouse, there is family. And the Fellowship is a family. We are the only ones who know what they know, who feel what they feel and who remember what they remember. They wish to protect you from it, they don't want you to know. Perhaps they think you'll think less of them if you knew."
"Nothing he could ever confess could make me think less of him" Estella said.
"Trust me, madam Brandybuck…" Legolas said. "You do not wish to share his memories. It's better if you can remain the innocence that you represent to him, that he can look at you and not remember anything bad among all the good."
"How can him and Pippin be so… ordinary by day, and then so… so… so affected by night?" Estella asked.
"When they're awake they can push the bad thoughts aside. Hobbits are remarkable at this! They're not unhappy, not at all, they love life and it's obvious. But when they go to sleep they can't keep up their barriers against their old fears and demons." Legolas rose and put the fire out. "There is nothing for you to do. Except love him."
Estella sat alone again, once again watching the glow from the fire slowly burn out. She thought about what the Elf had said, and somehow it made sense. But she hadn't gotten much useful out of him, he had mostly just said what she had already known or suspected. She could hear the baby cry, and quickly be silenced by Diamond's motherly comfort. She longed for a child of her own. For what felt like an hour, but was most likely only a half one, she sat alone in the sitting room, which was getting cold now that the fire was dying out. Then she felt a pair of hands on her shoulders.
"It's not good manners to sneak away from your husband at night" Merry's voice said calmly, slightly hinting that he was joking. "Estella are you all right?"
"I was hoping you would sleep through the rest of the night" she answered.
"I got cold in bed without you" Merry responded, gently rubbing her shoulders.
"What did you dream just now?" she asked, knowing that he wouldn't answer anyway.
"Nothing bad" came the surprising answer. "I just got cold… Come!"
He took her hand and gently pulled her up on her feet. The blanket she had wrapped around her fell down and he picked it up and draped it over her shoulders. He seemed calm now, more like his regular self. He touched her cheek gently and gave her a kiss, then led her to the couch so they could sit.
"I wonder who Sam turns to when he has really bad nightmares" he said.
"You didn't have a really bad one tonight" Estella replied.
"I know… But I wonder who he turns to."
"Rose perhaps" Estella suggested.
"Maybe so…" Merry said.
He didn't say anything else, and neither did Estella. She just sat by him as he stared out in space, his mind occupied with something. Then he turned to her and gently pushed her down on her back, laying himself on top of her.
"This place is getting cold too" he said.
"Start up the fire again" Estella suggested.
"Not much idea" Merry said with a shrug to the shoulder. He kissed her tenderly and then moved from her mouth to her neck.
"Merry not here…" she said.
Merry stopped placing kisses along her neck, and instead rested his head against her chest. She pulled the blanket around them both and he sighed deeply.
"Many nights…" he said. "Many nights did I fall asleep to the beating of a heart. Mostly Pippin's, often Frodo's… Sometimes Borormir's, occasionally Legolas' or Gimli's. And every once in a while Strider's" He paused for a second. "I never fell asleep to an unspoiled heartbeat until I fell asleep you yours" he whispered.
"Unspoiled?"
"Robbed of it's innocence."
"Mine's not unspoiled" she responded. "Were your friends' hearts spoiled all the way? From the day you left the Shire? Weren't they unspoiled first?"
"Never like yours is" Merry answered. "Us Hobbits met fear and danger on our very first day outside the Shire. The others were warriors. They had seen toil."
She nodded, even though he couldn't see it. She felt a bit scared, even though he was showing signs of opening up to her like she had always hoped he would. His weight was getting heavy on top of her, but she hoped it didn't show. She thought about what Legolas had said, that all she could do for him was to love him. After a long pause he lifted his head and looked at her.
"It's getting cold here" he said. "Let's go back to our bedroom."
She nodded, thankful to have his weight lifted off her, even though she didn't like to admit it. But he was a rather large Hobbit and he weighed thereafter, even though he hadn't shown much signs of growing sideways. She left the blanket behind and followed him to their bedroom where they got under the sheets. Merry blew out the last candles and it got pitch black. He reached out for her and she once again felt his weight on her, this time in a different way and one much more preferred. A while later she was lying still on top of him, his right hand draped over her and his left playing with her long curly hair. He was calm and peaceful now, she could almost forget that this had been one of those nights. She realized how exhausted she was and closed her eyes. She could feel and almost hear his hour beating right by her left ear. It sounded unspoiled.