The spotlight came on, bright and dazzling. Resisting the urge to blink, she let her eyes adjust slowly to the brightness, staring resolutely ahead at the sea of lights.
Except beneath her perfectly poised expression lay a deep-seated fear, tearing at the edges of her mind.
Letting out her breath to relax herself, Riko's shoulders slumped for a moment before she caught herself. She put on the best smile she could (which wasn't much at that moment) and spun on her heel, ascending the steps to the piano that awaited her.
Even if it was an instrument that had taken up so much of her life, there were times like now when it felt almost like a stranger to her. As if the past three months spent practicing this song was all she had to fall back on. She averted her eyes from it as she turned back to face the audience, unable to face the tremendous pressure emanating from it.
Quick smile, quick bow. Don't let anyone see how shaky your smile is.
A slow, measured turn. Sitting down on the piano chair proper, Riko nodded to herself. Just like in practice. That's right, just like in practice. Not to mention the day before.
Despite it being the very first day of their all-important First Live the day before, she had somehow managed to withstand the overwhelming pressure, performing exactly as she had during practice. Well, almost exactly- she had heard her own quiet sniffles picked up over the sound system. She didn't remember much of the performance either, just the solidness of the keys beneath her fingers and her teammates' singing in her ears. And the thunderous applause that had followed her performance.
Yesterday had been a smashing success, she just needed to replicate it. That was all. Simple.
Not at all impossible. Definitely not hopelessly overwhelming.
Deep breath.
The air coming through her mouth was thin and shaky, coming in both too fast and in insufficient quantities. In the relative silence of the arena, with the audience holding their collected breath, it felt explosively loud in her head. Her heartbeat began to race.
Calm down, Riko told herself as she looked downwards at Chika just as they had planned. The sight of her best friend's bright smile pulled at her lips, and for a moment she felt as though the smile on her own face wasn't a mere mask at all.
Then she turned back to the piano and the moment passed. Her heart felt like it was going to leap out of her chest at any moment, with her head turning slightly giddy as well. All of a sudden, Riko was acutely aware of all the sensations pressing down on her: the weight of her costume on her shoulders, the ear monitors in her ear, and the cold winter air brushing against her exposed skin.
She shivered slightly, even as the lights faded out once again. In the almost-darkness, all she could see was the piano in front of her. Even if she knew her teammates were just meters away, the darkness was like an impassable barrier trapping her in with her worst fears.
She was isolated. Alone.
In that brief moment, she reflected on the choices that had brought her there. It had all started during the planning session three months ago, back in their clubroom in Uranohoshi Girls'.
"Okay, so the next song on our set-list will be… Omoi yo Hitotsu ni Nare," Dia announced to the room as she wrote another item down on the paper in front of her.
"Ah, Riko-chan doesn't really have a part in that song, so she can take a break here, huh," Chika commented with a bright smile at her friend. "That's kind of unfortunate though, I wanted to perform with all of us."
You tilted her head, a complicated expression on her face. "Hmm I feel the same way Chika-chan, but we don't really have the time to work out and relearn all the choreography…"
Even if their intentions were kind and their logic sound, Riko could feel a prickling in her heart. She knew that there just wasn't anything to be done about it, but even so…
"Then in that case, Lily will just have to unleash her hidden powers and play the piano as we perform."
The room fell quiet at Yoshiko's comment, who suddenly looked abashed. "W-what, it was just an idea!"
"Don't ask for the impossible Yoshiko-chan, there's no way Riko-chan could-"
"I'll do it."
"-do that in just- Eh?" Chika paused, turning back to Riko.
"I'll do it. If I can perform with everyone else, then I'll take that chance, no matter what it is."
At that time, Riko wasn't sure where the words were coming from. All she knew was that it felt like the right course of action, and made the prickling in her heart go away.
She had come this far as a school idol alongside the other members, there was no way she could drop out here and now.
Coming back to the present, Riko shook her head briefly to clear her thoughts, her hands poised in the right position and waiting. She breathed through her nose, and cringed slightly when it produced an audible sniffle picked up by the audio system. I did it again…
It was almost a relief when the cue light blinked in front of her, and she began playing just as Chika started singing downstairs.
"Let our feelings become one (In this moment they join as one)"
Her hands moved deftly across the piano, but it felt like a tremendous effort just to keep them playing. While she had been able to let muscle memory take over yesterday, right now it felt like every single note was a conscious effort.
What if she messed up?
"This is the moment we've been waiting for"
Her right hand moved up the scale, pressing notes along the way- until her finger brushed against the wrong key.
What if I fail?
That thought lasted only a split second, but it was enough to throw her off sharply. In the corner of her vision, she saw Hanamaru make her note-hitting gesture as part of the choreography and hit what she hoped was the right note.
It wasn't.
Time froze for Riko as her mind raced. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no do I just hit the next note what is the next note it's Ruby's note no it's Mari's You's Kanan's-
Her mind went blank, as a tear streamed down her face unnoticed. It's over. I can't jump in.
I don't belong here on stage with the rest of them.
Dimly in the back of her head, she was aware of the growing uproar from the crowd, a cacophony of shouts amidst a silence that should have been the sounds of her piano.
All these fans came all the way to watch us and I let them all down. I can't stop here I need to do something-
The background instrumental began once more and her hands leapt into action, with muscle memory finally coming into play. But even as her hands moved across the keyboard, she couldn't find the strength to press down on the keys. If she pressed the wrong one, everyone would know instantly. That she was a fake, and unworthy of being there.
Nor was there anything she could do about her flowing tears, or the choked sobs that threatened to escape her and broadcast to the entire arena just how pathetic she was.
Then the music stopped completely and her hands stopped moving like a marionette with its strings cut. She could see her teammates still bouncing on their feet, ready to continue dancing like professionals should the music resume. Unlike her, who couldn't even get her own role right and halted the performance.
Riko had never felt more like running away than there and then.
She looked down, at all her teammates looking up to see what was the problem.
Me. I'm the problem.
I should never have volunteered to do this.
The crowd was growing louder, but even that couldn't drown out the sound of her sobs being amplified to the entire arena. I'm a failure I'm a failure I'm a failure I'm a failure-
Her thoughts were cut off by the warmth of a shoulder enveloping her face, the costume's fabric soaking up her tears. Clinging onto it as though it was a lifeline, Riko felt her tears flowing even faster as she said the only thing on her mind. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"
Please don't kick me out.
"Hey."
It was just a simple word, but it cut through the haze in her head. Because it came from the one voice she trusted more than anything else in the world.
"It's okay. Why are you crying?"
It was a reliable, yet tender voice. A voice that sounded perfectly calm, as though they were simply in their own clubroom instead of being surrounded by a crowd of thousands.
To that simple question, Riko had no real reply. But she felt as though she was slowly regaining control of her breaths. Even if she was still gasping like a fish out of water, her tears were slowing down and her facial muscles were no longer locked in her crying face.
Pulled in by Chika's calm voice, comforted by the warmth that held and surrounded her, she found her anchor amidst her storm of raging emotions.
"Calm down," Kanan murmured from beside her, though Riko hadn't been aware how long she had been there. But her reassuring hand continued stroking her back, easing more of the tension out.
"It'll be alright. It'll be alright." That was Mari, who looked into her eyes resolutely and with confidence. "It'll definitely be alright."
"Hey, Riko-chan. You can do this."
It was a statement, not a question. But that was just how it always was, wasn't it?
When it was something which Chika firmly believed in, she didn't ask, but forced her way through.
And if Chika believed in her to that extent- Riko felt like she could do anything.
Chika broke off the hug, leaving Riko grasping at her tighter instinctively. But the orange-haired girl only smiled warmly, shaking her head slightly as she dashed off. Left standing, Riko felt herself seizing up again, only for Mari to move into the void to support her.
That's right, it wasn't just Chika- she was here with the rest of Aqours. Her precious comrades. No matter how dark it got, she was neither isolated nor alone.
She sat down at the piano again, trying to slow her breathing. No good. Her emotions were still too panicked to calm down, even with their support.
Chika reappeared at her side, holding a bottle of water and a towel, which Riko instantly buried her face in. But in her head, she knew that each second she hid her face in it was another second the performance was not carrying on, and that was just…
"Do you hear them, Riko-chan?"
Riko was suddenly aware of a repeating reverberation in the stadium, a sound that slowly resolved itself in her head as… her name.
The crowd was chanting her name.
Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw a hazy sea of sakura pink through the mist of tears. A solid, flat sea of pink lights which she had never witnessed before.
I can do this.
No.
I will do this.
Exerting a will of sheer iron over her own body, she got her breathing under control. A small sip of water, just enough to reset her system and put a stop to the sobs. A quick nod to clear her head.
"It'll be alright. You can do this," Mari told her once again with a squeeze to her shoulder.
"It's okay, Mari-chan. She's alright now. Let's get ready, okay?" The second year almost dragged their seniors away, back down the steps to where the rest had been waiting.
Even if some might find it cruel, Riko understood Chika's intentions fully. That's right, she didn't need to be coddled.
Not when she was already being encouraged by such overwhelming support, pouring in from all around her.
Even if this would likely still be the toughest performance of her entire life, even if she still had to apologise to the audience subsequently… no matter how tough the road ahead of her was, she knew she could continue advancing with everyone's help.
After all, all their feelings had already become one.
She took a last deep breath, soaking in the cheers of the audience, and the lingering warmth on her back and shoulders.
And she began playing.
Author's Note: Just my own way of finding closure to what happened. Even if I can't do it any justice. Also, Anchan is a goddess and best leader.