Title: I feel like I got hit by a planet
Summary: 'You're dangerously unstable and I never should have left you alone.' 'Why not? I was just going to teach myself to play the flute.' 'You don't even have a flute.' 'Don't hurt my feelings, I'm sick.' (aka, Jade is sick and gets high off cough syrup.) fluffy bade oneshot.
Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious, any of the characters or references mentioned here. Except Matthew Broderick. He is my bitch. I mean, homeboy.
Author's note: Uhh, I wrote this so I didn't have to pay attention to that piece I told you I was writing in the last fic. It frustrated me. But I'm working on it, I promise.
But, while I was writing this, I figured out a formula for my fluffy drabbles:
Simple plot+stupid jokes I made up and have no situation to use them in+a few jokes I've actually found a situation to use them in (most of them are about Coldplay so I guess that makes that a variable or something)+a sprinkle of cute moments (is this a recipe or a math formula? Sprinkles are a form a measurement, right?)+a few stupid pop culture reference+Beck+Jade=my stories.
If you're not good at algebra what that basically means is I think of a lot of stupid jokes and use Beck and Jade as a platform to tell them. Beck and Jade are my freaking playthings.
Oh! Bigbig shoutout and a very special thank you to "even lovers drown," who has left me some of the kindest reviews I've ever gotten. Like, seriously so nice the smile on my face after reading could be used as a power source. Two thumbs up, and a smile of gratitude. :D
Ok, now that I've filled up an entire page of off-topic ramblings…
Enjoy the story. Heehe.
Beck knew there was something wrong with Jade when she slept in even later than he did.
Even on the weekends, she set an alarm. She said she hated Mondays enough and being exhausted from messing up her sleep schedule over the weekend made it eternally worse. Which was a decent idea, actually. Even worked pretty well in practice. But Beck usually slept through them, and today, so did she; so he instantly panicked when he found Jade still sleeping next to him one Saturday afternoon.
"Jade?" he shook her shoulder and she instantly started hacking her lungs out when she stirred.
"Go somewhere." She whined with a barking cough between the words.
"Are you feeling okay?" he said, brushing the hair off her forehead and observing her glossy, tired eyes.
"If by 'okay' you mean 'like death and the devil had a lovechild and…' and… I can't even come up with a decent metaphor right now. Everything is groovy." she grumbled, which turned into another cough as she buried her face in the pillow.
"Where does it hurt?" he said gently.
Jade pointed to her throbbing temple with a small whimpering noise.
"And?"
She stuck her tongue out and pointed her finger down her throat.
Beck held one of her hands and pressed his other to her feverish forehead. She swatted him away like a bug as she sat up, her head pounding a loud staccato rhythm.
"Babe, your hands are freezing and you're forehead's warm. Lay down."
Sounding more defeated than bitter, she started, "No. Quit being annoying. We were gonna go to the-…"Her sentence was cut short when she stood up too fast, and black spots clouded the edge of her vision and she had to focus on anything but her knees getting weak to keep herself from sinking to the floor.
"Jade, please, take it easy. Our plans can wait until next weekend." Beck said, worried, grabbing her hand as she wobbled.
Jade groaned again as she gained her composure said in raspy whisper, "I feel like I got hit by a… planet."
"Well, lucky for you, I am a doctor…" Beck stood up and pushed her shoulders down so she sat on the bed with a glare, "…and I'm gonna take care of you."
He thought he saw a hint of a smile on her face as he rummaged through the medicine cabinet in the small bathroom.
"Open." he instructed, holding a digital thermometer.
"No!" she whined, but the higher register of her voice came out as more of a squeaking sound that she tried to cough away.
"Pweeeaaaaase?" he said in his best baby voice, poking the metal end to her cheek.
She gave him her best glare, snatched it from his hand and placed it under her tongue, "Wow, this is almost as sexy as making out with a puddle."
He ignored her, "No talking." She rolled her eyes.
"What does it say?" he asked when started to beep.
"It says… Volcano Temperature."
He sighed, knelt down in front of her and took the thermometer from her trembling hand, "100.3? You're sick, babe."
"Ugh, GOD, I've got the Bubonic plague! And, like… polio." she began to rage as best as she could with her hoarse voice.
He placed his finger over her lips, "And you'd feel better if you'd stop. talking."
He slowly pulled his hand away and Jade's face was pulled into the most childish pout he'd only expect from someone like Cat.
Beck reached over and grabbed a bottle of cold medicine, "Take this for me?" he asked with his big, puppy-dog eyes.
Jade furiously shook her aching head and crossed her arms. Beck responded with a testing raise of his eyebrows.
"It's icky."
"It's so cute how you act like you have a choice here." he said in his best baby voice so she wouldn't slap him across the face.
"Well you will have no choice when I die from this poison, and then break up with you!"
"You're not going to die; it'll make you feel better." he insisted, ignoring her flawed logic.
They argue for at least fifteen more minutes until Beck gets frustrated and Jade nearly loses her voice.
He stood up, "Well, I'm going to the drugstore to get… sick person things. You don't wanna come with, do you?"
"I will not survive a sea voyage! Bide my time, Beckett!" she said dramatically.
"Are you confusing real life with Little House on the Prairie again?"
"…I shall do nothing of the sort. Hey, while you're out, can you get me some ice cream? And get Hot Pockets too. And something to cook Hot Pockets on. And someone who knows how to cook Hot Pockets."
He smiles, "We'll see. Don't talk so much while I'm gone."
"Who am I gonna talk to while you're gone?"
"Fish?"
"Your fish became uninteresting after you made them listen to Coldplay all the time."
"Hush. Take the medicine and then get back to sleep. You'll feel better."
Jade gave him a disappointed look after he kissed her cheek and headed out.
While he waited to be checked out, Beck got a text from Jade.
"i was just diagnosed with dengue fever. and by 'diagnosed' i mean i went on Web MD and looked up the worst sounding thing and decided that's what I have."
He had returned to the RV and began unloading his bag of various cold remedies onto the couch, thinking it was a little strange when Jade greeted him with a friendly sounding "Howdy!"
"Kay, babe, I got you orange juice, and cough drops, and ginger ale-" when he glanced over at her, who was looking interestingly at the air as if she expected Matthew Broderick to appear right in front of her.
"Are we even in California anymore?" she said in a dreamy voice.
"…Did you take something?"
She looked at him, her eyes still unfocused, and gave him a goofy grin and an out-of-character giggle, "I took… everything."
He examined the bottle of cough syrup he tried to get her to take earlier, "Jade, this bottle's empty."
She giggled again and stuttered through her next sentence, "I figured out how…" she flapped her hand towards him to get his attention, "how they work! It's like I was healed by Jesus except that-… that instead of leprosy I have a cold, and instead of being healed I'm just too loo-loo-loopy sometimes I forget that I'm sick."
He knitted his eyebrows together in confusion placed his hand on her forehead again, "You're still warm."
"I know, I took a test online because I thought I had scarlet fever or whatever it is that killed the Velveteen Rabbit and Beth from Little Women. But it told me I was a giant squid- how freakin' messed up is that?"
"I think that was the 'what giant animal are you' test. I took it too, it told me I was a giant panda bear. Also, you're dangerously unstable and I never should have left you alone."
"Why not? I was just going to teach myself to play the flute."
"You don't even have a flute."
"Don't hurt my feelings, I'm sick." she said with another pout as he laid down behind her in the space between her and the wall.
"Would you stop pouting? It's not a good look for you."
"Oh, so now I'm dying, and ugly!
"I never said you were ugly, and you're not dying."
"I feel like I am. I think it's the Ebola virus. And it's murdering me."
"It doesn't count as murder if you're sick."
"Fine. Involuntary manslaughter."
"You sound like a crazy person." Beck stifled his laughs. He wouldn't admit it for fear of being stabbed in the head, but this was really entertaining to him.
"My brain's gonna start leaking out my ears any time now." The sentence was followed with guttural regurgitating noises Beck could only associate with the sound of decomposing.
"Yeah, if it does, could you please do it over the sink?"
"My brain feels like mush. Probably from not enough cough syrup. Or too much cough syrup. Which one makes you sleepy?"
"Probably the latter, considering you took an entire bottle. Maybe you should sleep."
And for once Jade actually complied, and pulled the sheets over her head with a moan. Occasionally small coughs would escape, followed by sharp inhales, Beck slowly ran his hands down her back in a lame attempt to make her feel better. She slept off most of the effects of the cold medicine, but her head instantaneously poked up when Beck turned a hockey game on TV.
Eyes still half-closed, she glared at him and mumbled, "I'm stabbing you right now."
"…Are you?"
She growled, "In my head, because I'm too tired to stab you in real life. Turn this off. I hate Canadian things."
Offended, Beck said, "Canada is a flawless country full of bagged milk and ham bacon and maple syrup and friendly Mounties. If every country were Canada the world would be a happier place and you wouldn't be sick right now and we'd be on a couch, carved out of a larger couch."
"Oh, so it's Canada's fault I'm sick right now!"
"Wait, what? No, I did not say that. And besides, you'll like hockey. There's fights, and stick-beatings, and sharp blades, and tough dudes, and sometimes broken glass."
Jade remained unconvinced, whimpered a small "ugh" and shuffled across the RV. She thudded down on the couch with a notebook, scribbling furiously. Occasionally she would glance over the paper with a stern look in her eyes, and he'd reply with a shrug and an innocent "what!"
Soon she dragged herself back to his bed, falling back into his arms after throwing a piece of paper at him. Beck reads:
"HERE IS A LIST OF THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN WATCH HOCKEY.
1. Hang out with hungry Cannabals
2. Chew tin foil
3. Thumb wrestle a stapler and lose violently
4. Breathe water as a professional career choice
5. Be chopped up with an axe and shoveled into a crawl-space"
"…You spelled 'cannibals' wrong. And you don't have an axe. Or a shovel. Or a crawl-space, for that matter."
"Turn off the Canada or I'm gonna start getting stabby."
He promptly changed the channel.
They both dozed off during a rerun of The Twilight Zone, and when Jade woke up, it was dark outside.
"Hey." she mumbled, testing her voice. She still thought she kind of sounded like a chain smoker. "Beck."
"Hmm?" he replied, his eyes still closed.
"Thanks… for playing doctor."
He looked up at her and smiles, "No problem." His smile turns into a smirk, "This isn't the threatening Jade I know."
But he thinks it's nice to see her get all schmoopy and grateful once in a while.
"I'm multi-faceted. But if I were you I would've taken me to the mall and drowned me in the fountain."
"I thought about it. But that's illegal. And I don't have that much upper body strength." he teased.
"You're a jerk." is the best comeback she could come up with in her softened state. He smiled again and laid his head on her shoulder.
"…You're not a jerk." she leaned in for a kiss, but he stopped her and her face fell.
"Uh-uh. You sickly. No kissy on the mouthy." he said.
She growled as he smirked and kissed her cheek, "Sometimes you are a jerk."
Sweet fancy Moses, I wish I didn't write so much Bade. Now that this is done, I still have two unfinished oneshots that are works-in-progress, an idea for yet another Bade fic which may or may not happen aaaaand an idea for a very special angst/hurt/comfort Cat-centric-Cabbie fic which also may or may not happen. ;D
Sometimes I write sentences like that with a lot of fandom/fanfiction lingo and I read it over and I'm like wow, is that even a sentence or a bunch of made up words put together?
Before I write these I let all these funny thoughts fill up in my head but most of the time I'm scared I'll forget them so I have a bunch of desktop sticky notes and regular sticky notes lying around my house that say the weirdest stuff that only I understand. Stuff like "CANADA: bagged milk; ham bacon; friendly Mounties"
Oh, and it's kind of my head!canon that Beck and Jade both love The Twilight Zone (along with Full House.) And Beck loves Coldplay and so does Jade but she doesn't want everyone to know that she loves Coldplay.
What was I talking about again? Oh, right, fanfiction.
I should probably ask for you to please take the time to review if you favourite before my ADD kicks in and I get distrac