Szechuan Sauce at the Krusty Krab, by Dickfart
Squidward was trying to get through another soul crushing twelve hour shift at the Krusty Krab, until Spongebob showed up. Spongebob being annoying was a given, but today was already proving too much when Mr. Krabs announced that the Krusty Krab would be bringing back an old favorite: szechuan sauce!
"An old feller named Rick showed up and said he would pay me money to have it, ai hai hai hai hai hai!"
"Whatever," said Squidward. But then Spongebob went absolutely nuts over it! He ran up and down walls, hooted, high fived Patrick, and a swarm of customers came in, demanding their sauce. They paid so much money that the Krusty Krab swelled and exploded with money. Mr. Krabs took all that money and disappeared with it, never to be seen again. Meanwhile, Squidward was there waiting out his shift, staring deep into his watch and sighing.
Then Spongebob showed up and said "hey Squidward! Look what I can do!"
Squidward flinched when a twenty gallon vat of szechuan sauce hit the floor. Spongebob absorbed the sauce, then squirted it out of his spongeholes while spinning around, hitting every delectable Krabby Patty in the process; however, one drop of that irresistible sauce hit Squidward's tongue, and his pupils dilated at once. He was in a trance.
"So... so..." he said, slowly sauntering toward the spinning, chortling sponge. "SO DELICIOUS! I'VE GOT TO HAVE MORE!"
"Right on, Squidward!" said Spongebob, until Squidward picked him up and bit off his head. Everyone in the restaurant gasped, panicked, and ran away screaming. Meanwhile, Squid took his time chewing and savoring every gorey, spongy, saucy bite. It tickled his taste buds and tentacles alike. Each bite gave him a hard on, and each swallow gave him an orgasm. It was better than Squilliam pleasuring his squidhole with a clarinet in college. It was even better than the sweet release of death.
Squidward didn't stop devouring Spongebob until all that was left of him were his shoes.
"Ah," said Squidward, and then he glanced down at his watch. "Well, time to clock out." He whistled happily toward the rubble that used to be Mr. Krabs's office, punched out, and went home with a belly full of bliss.
Once home, he ran a hot bath and soaked in it for awhile, allowing his sore muscles to melt into the heat. It was nice, until he burped. It tasted like dish soap. He shrugged it off and continued relaxing, until a whole bunch of soapy burps and farts started coming out of him. He could feel his stomach groaning, and he had to rush to the toilet before his bubble bath turned into a mud bath.
He had just made it, unlike the time he ate deep sea cabbage during his senior prom, but he tries not to think about that. Instead, a great, fat turd squeezed its way out of his squidhole, and when it dropped and made a satisfying plop, Squidward knew it was safe to return to his bath.
"Glad that's over," said Squidward, standing up. He was about to flush, but then the inside of the toilet giggled. It giggled? He looked down and saw, not just excrement, but a giant pock marked turd with eyes and buck teeth.
And you know what it said?
"You like the new Krusty Krab szechuan sauce, don't you, Squidward?"
Squidward screamed and flushed the toilet multiple times. Spongedung Shitpants went spinning down the tubes, laughing throughout until he got stuck. That was OK, though. That just meant Squidward had someone to talk to whenever he had to use the toilet now. There could be no greater love and commitment than that.
The End