I told myself, things would be different. I wouldn't act the same when she came back. I wouldn't make those same mistakes. I could do it. I really believed that, truly. But then I saw her. I didn't hear the doorbell ring, or the jingling of the keys as she came home for Christmas. I only saw her standing in my doorway, looking beyond gorgeous. My breath stopped for however long. It was only until I realised she said, "hello Anna." Then I swallowed whatever feelings for her that resurfaced.
"H-Hi." And my God, her voice. Exactly, the same. The same depth, tone, pitch, but somehow sexier. Somehow seeing her standing in that doorway, with her grey suitcase, practically dripping wet, made me want her more. More than last time. "Aren't you going to give a hug?" When did she get this bold? I climb off my bed, to hug her only to realise her snow boots gave her extra height, and my face was comfortably placed right in the middle of her boobs. "Everything Alright Anna? Your face is flushed, is your room too hot?"
"N-no I'm fine, everything's fine. I'm glad you're home though, I've missed you a lot." Way more than I'd like to admit.
"Well I've just come home Anna, you don't mind letting go do you?" She chuckles as she says this. I hadn't even realised we'd been hugging for that long. It's never long enough. She pushes me away gently. I felt the loss of warmth more than I should have. Noticing my pout she smiles at me, "I'll be down for dinner."
She's changed a lot, ever since she went to uni. I watch her while she's eating her pasta. Her and mom are talking, Dad too. She makes a lot of eye contact now, that's the biggest change. She used to be quiet. Always keeping herself to herself. Always keeping her hair in a bun. Always doing what she's told, no matter how much of a strain it put on her. And that made it so hard to spend time with her because she was always busy. But for some reason it made me want her more, to the point where I craved her. Where I couldn't sleep without her on my mind, or in my dreams, or in my conversations. And at that point I knew I was strange. Maybe at that point I should've backed out, requested to be put in a boarding school, taken therapy. But I couldn't, because the more I look at her the more I want to be with her. And the feeling of actually being with her was too hard to let go off. But then she got into a fancy uni, far off somewhere. The less I knew, the easier I thought the distance might be. And then I saw it, maybe a crack in the cold exterior she had put up, when I showed little interest in her post sixth form life. Because of that she left without saying goodbye. She walked out the door, so silently. Without telling me. So I told myself I would get myself together when she came back for breaks. That I wouldn't keep lusting after my own sister. Yet here I was.
"Anna you're awfully quiet, that's a surprise seeing as you're usually the one making the most noise." My mother says.
"Let her eat, I'm enjoying this peace and quiet." He teases.
"Dad! I'm hurt." I do my best mock pained expression before we continue to eat.
"Great job on the pasta Mum, it's delicious." Elsa compliments.
"Elsa, this was made by Anna yesterday." She likes my cooking?
"Well Anna this is fab."
"It's only pasta Elsa."
"Anna's been cooking a lot since you left." Dad inputs.
"If all your cooking is like this Anna, I'll have to get you to cook for me, so I can take some to uni."
"Really?" Really? She means that? She nods her head as a response. And I cringe. Not at her, but at how my heart lifts when I please her. At my own stupid feelings for turning our sisterly relationship into some sick fucked up fantasy, I can't seem to keep in my head.
Later that week Mum thought it'd be a good idea to get me and Elsa out of the house by forcing us to go watch some cringy teen love story at the cinemas, and honestly the first half was a blast. We spent it mocking the characters and the plot, "she's fallen in love with this guy and she's only known him for two days, could you imagine!" But then that blasted old man had the nerve to shh us. And I wouldn't have minded, as we were being loud, but Elsa started whispering in my ear. I could barely even concentrate on what she was saying, she was driving my mind numb.
"It's been bugging me ever since I left, but I'm sorry about how we left off, before I left to uni. I mean I knew you were mad at me for something but for you to not reply to any of my calls or texts. Why?" I look towards her, and then it kills me. It was only then I realised that this whole time I'd been ignoring her because dealing with her would throw me off the edge. Talking to her would put me into a downward spiral of emotions, she'd been thinking about what she did wrong. But how do I tell her I love her, but not in the way she's thinking. How do I tell her every-time she tells me she cares, or she misses me it's music to my ears and I'm worried if I reply I'll fuck it up, and I spend so much time thinking about what to reply that I end up not doing it and forgetting and pretending it doesn't exist. "Never mind, forget I said anything." And I can see myself losing her, going back into the same relationship we were in when she left for uni. And don't want to do that. So, I fuck it. I tap her on the shoulder. One minute she's she's looking into my eyes, and I'm looking into hers, and I've never felt more confused about what I'm doing and what she means to me. Then the next, I'm kissing her.
And before I have a chance to see her reactions I pack my bag and run. I run straight out of the cinema, leaving Elsa to deal with that mess on her own. Selfish I know, and I could've - should've really stayed and faced the music. I should've seen the rejection in her eyes, felt the pain. Maybe that might actually help me get rid of this perverted emotions. But I didn't. Instead I was swarmed with stupid thoughts like how perfectly our lips fit together. Almost as if we were made for each other. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" Then a pair of familiar unfamiliar arms wrap around me. Her chin's resting on my shoulder.
"Whatever it is y-you're going through, I'll help you. You're my sister and I won't abandon you." I'm somehow blessed and cursed at the same time. What the fuck did I do to have her as my sister.