This fiction is very different. It starts off pretty dark, but things progress. I found it very interesting to write. I have two endings in mind and may very well post them both. I need feedback with this one guys so if you read please review - even one word Describing what you think!

thanks Tab

Chapter One

Looking out of the window, that was partially obscured by condensation, Joey sighed. Her life was not the life she'd wanted for herself. It was not the life she'd dreamt of as she worked on extra credit projects, stayed up late doing additional homework, and doing every humiliating thing she could think of that might earn a scholarship, including the chauvinistic beauty pageant and those memorable dance lessons. What was it Miss Pretty had said, 'the dancing doesn't lie?' And something about enough electricity to fuel a Kiss reunion tour. Well if only Miss Pretty could see her now. Joey didn't have any electricity. It had been shut off when she failed to pay the bill. Turning away from the window she tugged the blanket more firmly about herself. Whether she felt motivated or not she had to get moving.

Looking at the small one bedroom apartment with no furniture she yet again felt like crying. But Bessie had been clear when Joey had explained that she wasn't going to Worthington. She'd provide Joey with a fifteen percent share of the B&B takings after expenses, but Joey was on her own. As it turned out, Joey sucked at being on her own. The summer hadn't been so bad. Tips at the diner where she'd taken a job were good. Jen, Jack and Dawson had still been around and she'd still pretended she was going to Worthington. Now it was her, the weight of her sisters disappointment like a noose around her neck, and all of her friends gone. And Pacey - gone of course. Furious tears burnt her eyes at the mere thought of his name and so she pushed thoughts of him out of her head and headed to the shower, which would probably be cold.

She stripped off in the semi darkness and stepped under the luke warm spray. After a few moments standing seemed to be just to much and she sunk to the floor, her body heaving with the force of her tears. She knew there was a name for it, a word that encompassed this black hole she'd fallen into - depression. She wondered whether the child she carried would be born with tears in it's eyes and sadness in it's soul. She didn't like to think about that or the child in general. Having never suffered from depression, the grip of this beast upon her was unexpected and all consuming. There didn't seem to be a way out from the gloominess, a way back to order, to control, to happiness. When the water droplets turned cold she eventually turned off the water and dried and dressed herself. She stood in the small kitchen with it's five cupboards and knew she should eat. But she didn't want to eat. She took a banana from the meagre fruit bowl convincing herself she'd eat it at break.

Work was slow which meant tips were slow which meant she'd have to dip into savings to restore electricity. Though one could argue she didn't really need it, not yet. Of course when she had the baby she'd make sure she had it then, but now when the heating ran off gas and the fridge was empty and she merely sat there of an evening, or else curled up on the floor. Really what was the point.

'Joey,' her sisters voice. She looked at her big sister with tired eyes.

'Hmmm,' she didn't even attempt a smile.

'Oh my god Joey..you're pregnant!?' Bessie's eyes had apparently seen her stomach.

'Why did you think I wasn't at Worthington? Oh yeah, I was throwing away my dream for some boy.'

'Thats not fair Joey, you never said you were pregnant.'

'You didn't give me a chance to explain. You yelled so loud. I even said the words but you didn't hear them.'

'A lot of stuff was said that day,' Bessie said and Joey frowned at the memory. It was three days before she was due to go to Worthington. The others had already left and Joey approached her sister between the checkout of one lot of guests and the check in of the next lot. She'd began apologetically, explaining she wasn't going to go, but she'd got no further. Bessie had just combusted on her. Accused Pacey of messing with her, told her he wouldn't be coming back - not for her. Told her she was throwing it all away. She'd even brought up how disappointed their mother would be. It was true Joey had acknowledged. Their mother would have been sad and disappointed at her youngest daughters fate. Even Bessie had chosen a guy who wanted her, but not Joey. She'd chosen someone who now hated her - vehemently. Joey had stated her rather bad and untimely news but Bessie was to busy kicking her out to listen. Apparently grown up decisions meant she was a grown up and if she was, then she could fend for herself. She knew what Bessie was trying to do - tough love, but Joey didn't go back to her sister and her sister didn't seek her out. It had been two months since they'd been stood face to face.

'My old school friend Marin, she said she'd seen you working here,' Bessie sat at the counter and Joey poured her a coffee.

'Oh,' she began to refill the salt and peppers.

'Does Pacey know?'

'Pacey doesn't care,' she responded looking at her tables which were all fine.

'Shouldn't he?'

'I don't know where he is and I don't care.'

'Don't give me that Joey, of course you care.'

'I'm a statistic Bes. I'm eighteen and pregnant and alone. He's off sleeping his way around the seven seas, not thinking about me, the girl who makes him feel like nothing. I don't care,' she stopped what she was doing to emphasize the last words.

'Have you told your friends?'

'What's the point? They're off living their lives. I'm here. Existing.'

'You sound depressed Joey,' Bessie frowned in concern.

'I am depressed Bessie. Wouldn't you be? Weren't you?'

'It wasn't great but I had Bodie, friends.'

'Well I don't.'

'You can come back to the B&B,' Bessie offered.

'Why? Because suddenly you care?'

'I've always cared. I just didn't want to see you make the biggest mistake of your life.'

'Problem was I already had,' Joey mused wryly.

'So what are you going to do about it? Languish away in this place until the baby is born and then what?'

'I don't know,' Joey flinched at the words. 'I just...can't seem to... You know...'

'Joey, you need to go to a doctor, you need to get treatment for this depression and you need to take responsibility.'

'I have a small apartment, I have a job,' Joey defended.

'And after the kid's born? What then?'

'Then I'm destitute,' Joey laughed bitterly. 'I thought I might start a cleaning service. Put the kid in one of those carriers and just clean other peoples big houses.'

'That's not a life plan. You know Jo, you have brains, maybe use them.'

'No assistant job pays enough to cover child care. Every which way I look at it I'm screwed. I'm writing a novel about it. I titled it "I'm screwed."'

'Joey,' Bessie was shocked, Joey could tell but what did she care.

'I need to go refill coffee,' she picked up the pot and gestured to the room before walking off with it.

'Give me your address Jo?' Bessie asked when her sister returned.

'So you can call over and tell me how it's not good enough?'

'No, I just want to make sure you're ok, know where you are.'

'Little late for that.'

'We're sisters, it should never be too late,' Bessie said but Joey just rolled her eyes.

The room was completely pitch black. Joey was lying on her back on the living room floor. She was cold, but then again she was nearly always cold now the snow had come. She put her hands on the small swell of her stomach and wondered about the child inside. Would it hate her like it's father did. Would she make the child despair their very existence. Would she love it? Would the love need to be learnt or would it just be there? Could she be a good mother to a child that was half Pacey, especially when she'd failed so terribly at being his girlfriend? Was Pacey missing her or was he fucking a girl at that moment? Maybe he was sat in the moonlight, drinking a beer and laughing with friends. He was probably somewhere warm. Would his eyes be twinkling, she wondered, at something somebody said and would he smile that smile of his, the one that just lit up his face? Could he still smile that smile when she didn't have any smiles of her own left? Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to fall asleep. It was better than thinking anyway.

'Oh she didn't,' Joey glared at the door that Doug Witter had just pushed through, in his full cop kit as well. He looked a little ill at ease as he nodded at her and made his way to the same counter seat Bessie had occupied. Joey continued to prepare the next brew of coffee as if he wasn't there.

'Long time no see Joey,' he stated but she continued to ignore him. 'Bessie bumped into me at the grocery store, told me to look in on you. Said you had a message for Pacey.'

'I don't have any message for your brother. My sister is mistaken,' Joey growled.

'I know my brother was a grade A asshole to you at prom but I'm sure he'd love to know how your doing.'

'Just swell,' she gave him a fake smile and rolled her eyes in irritation.

'Stop a second Joey and just talk to me,' Doug implored and reluctantly she stopped and gave him her attention. 'I understand something about depression. More than the rest of you know, but you can get through it.'

'Hmmm, maybe in another few months I will be through it,' she sighed, 'or maybe it's mine for life.' Doug stared at her for a moment trying to work out what she meant and then his eyes zeroed in on the small bump, not really obvious but there none the less.

'You're pregnant,' he stated.

'I'm pregnant.'

'I'm gay,' the word was flung form him.

'You're gay?' her eyes shot up and she actually smiled.

'Wow, that's the first time I've ever said that,' Doug looked around him anxiously.

'You came out to me?' she gave him a shy smile. The first genuine smile to grace her face for months,

'I think the shock may have done you some good,' he chuckled. 'Does my brother know?' Doug switched the conversation track again.

'No. Just. Bessie and you.'

'Well my little secret is just you and please keep it that way for now.'

'Of course,' she reached across and put a hand on his and then took it and held it for a moment, 'sorry, I haven't touched anyone since the others left for college.' She let go of his hand and poured him a coffee.

'Pacey would be here in a heartbeat if he knew,' he told her.

'I don't want him here,' Joey shook her head and took in Doug's surprise. 'Pacey made it very clear how he feels about me, how I make him feel. The last thing I need or want is his pity. Is for him to be trapped with me. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't love me. He doesn't want me. He hasn't tried to see me.'

'But if he knew...'

'Knowing wouldn't change any of that. I'm not interested in having him here under duress. I feel sad enough as it is. I don't need to watch him rue the day he wooed me as well.'

'He's my brother Joey. I can't know something like this and not tell him.'

'You know you're gay and you don't tell him that and that wouldn't even hurt him. He'd be happy about that. We know a lot of stuff in life that we just don't tell.'

'I won't deliberately keep it from him. It's not like the guy calls but if he does and he asks after you, I'll tell him.'

'Sounds fair enough. Your secret is safe with me. Though I do think you should tell your family when you're ready.'

'Not sure my pops is ready to love and support his gay deputy son.'

'He never had a problem with Jack,' Joey pointed out.

'No I guess not,' he frowned.

'I never had a problem with Jack and I was his girlfriend when he came out.'

'Wow, I did not know that!' Doug actually looked amused and his smile caught. A second smile snuck onto her face. 'Can we compromise and visit a gay bar together one day? Maybe a few towns over?'

'Sure we can,' she nodded.

'Do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?' Doug asked.

'I don't know. I've not been to the doctor,' she admitted and flushed slightly. 'Doesn't alter the inevitable. What do I care about birth plans? I don't even have a birthing partner.'

'Surely Bessie would...'

'No,' Joey shook her head. 'Look I'll go to the hospital and it will come out the way nature intended.'

'How about you come to a gay bar with me, and I go to the doctor with you?' Doug bargained. Joey thought for a few minutes.

'Ok,' she nodded.

'I've gotta get back on the road,' Doug nodded to the cruiser parked outside. Reaching into his pocket he got his wallet and dropped a ten on the table. She looked at him, but he just shrugged. 'This is my card. Call when you've made an appointment. I can get my mom to recommend someone my sister used if you can't find anyone.'

'Ok,' she nodded.

'It was nice to see you Joey.'

'Nice to see you too Doug.'

Joey sat on the floor in the dwindling light turning Doug's card over and over in her fingers. He'd be back if she didn't use it, she had no doubt. Doug Witter gay - she arched her eye brows. It had felt weird to smile. Maybe time with Doug wouldn't be so bad for her. She'd call the next day or the day after.

'It's been a week Joey and you haven't called,' Doug sat in the usual seat.

'What can I say, I've been working on my novel, "It's a shit life but who cares,"' she couldn't explain the heavy block of sadness that weighed her down all the time.

'Joey. I've been there. Hiding who I was, I remember the days that blurred into weeks, into months and even a year. It's a horrid place to be and hard to escape. Let me be your friend, please,' he looked at her, those eyes, so like Pacey's and she fought back tears.

'Make an appointment for me, tell me when it is and I'll be there.'

'Sure, sure, give me your number,' Doug grinned.

'I don't have a phone, just call me here or pop in.'

'Wait...I'll do it now,' and he pulled out his cellphone and heading out of the diner placed the call. A few minutes later he came back in, 'can you do Friday at 4?' he asked. She looked at the schedule and nodded and he finished the call. 'Great, so we'll head to the appointment then go to this club I heard about. Listen to some music, play some pool, eye up the hot boys and come home, deal?' he grinned and she nodded as she reached across and shook his hand.

'Deal.'

The doctor eyed the couple wearily - they didn't seem very together. The girl was young, eighteen at most and he was definitely older and a cop. She looked down, depressed even, like she didn't want to be there. She was too thin, that was immediately obvious. She took a medical history and then looked at them seriously,

'What's the situation here?' she frowned at them, let them know she knew something was up. The girl just rolled her eyes and stared at her hands.

'Joey,' the guy prompted.

'Joey if you and I are going to be a team and get your baby born safely I need to understand what's going on. You're too thin and you seem down. Is there anything worrying you?' The girl scoffed but didn't say anything. So she looked to the guy.

'My brother...he left Joey rather abruptly and in a um... rather cruel manner. Joey's kind of on her own and a little down.'

'You can take certain antidepressants safety in pregnancy,' the doctor looked at her young patient.

'But what's the point in that? I mean why mask it when the thing that caused the pain doesn't change.'

'Things end and we grieve. When we allow ourselves to heal we can move on with our lives.'

'And in your opinion antidepressants would help me move on?'

'I think so, yes. If you don't feel better, this depression will become embroiled with post natal depression and if the baby is at risk...'

'I would never put my baby at risk,' Joey was horrified.

'No not intentionally, but depression is a funny disease. We don't always do what we normally would when we're depressed.

'Ok,' Joey conceded, 'as long as they're safe I'll take them.'

'You need to exercise and eat right as well. And I want to do a scan. We can do it now.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded and Doug couldn't help but think she seemed defeated.

'The pills will help. Trust me,' the doctor reassured as she wrote out a prescription. She gave it to Joey who shoved it in her bag so the doctor gave Doug a pointed look. 'Now if you lift up your shirt we can take a look at your baby.' Joey lifted her shirt and Doug tried not to wince at the prominence of her ribs. The doctor put some gel on her stomach and ran the probe over her stomach until the sound of the baby's heartbeat filled the room.

'Wow,' Doug smiled at her but she didn't smile back, just looked at the screen where tiny limbs appeared, little X-ray hands and other parts. The doctor did all sorts of measurements, writing notes and taking pictures.

'Your baby looks well and healthy,' she stated. 'I've estimated the due date as March 6th, so you're 25 weeks pregnant. Would you like to know if it's a boy or a girl?'

'No,' Joey shook her head but both Doug and the doctor got the impression she just didn't really care.

'Get that prescription filled and I want to see you back here in two weeks.'

'Ok thanks,' Joey yanked her shirt down and left with Doug trailing behind her.

'You should have found out,' Doug said as they got in the car.

'Nah, it would have been to real.'

'This is real.'

'I know, believe me,' she shrugged.

'Look, let's go get you a gay bar top from home, and some lipstick,' he eyed her pale face 'then we'll fill this prescription and go out somewhere nice to dinner. Then we'll go eye up boys,' he gave her his most endearing smile and she rolled her eyes.

'Ok, my place is in an apartment block on 20th...just keep going up here and turn left. It's about four blocks over.'

'Wow, nice neighbourhood,' Doug teased.

'It's what I can afford. Besides which my dads in jail for drug trafficking. I'm with it,' she joked and he laughed. She looked surprised at herself but smiled. It had been a long time since she'd made anyone laugh.

'Well if it needs any work doing to it call me.'

'Oh it needs a ton of work doing to it,' she stated.

'Then I retract my offer.'

'Way to late buddy,' she told him. 'As you'll see in a minute. That building there, on the left.' Doug pulled the cruiser over and they headed inside. 'I know it's not great but I'm not embarrassed, it is what it is.' She was blunt which he appreciated as they approached the worn door on the second floor.

'Second floor is safer than ground,' he stated.

'Good to know Officer Witter,' she smiled at him as they went into the dark apartment. Used to the dim light Joey headed through to find a top to go with her skirt, leggings and boot outfit, and put on some lipstick. Doug flicked at the light switch which did nothing. Wondering through the tiny kitchen he opened the fridge noting it was empty. No wonder the girl was skin and bones. He turned on the tap, relieved to see the water ran. The place was almost warm. He stood next to the radiator which pumped a little heat into the room. The place was small and exceedingly empty. He wondered if there was even a bed in her room. He knocked on the door and when she told him to come in he did. There was no bed.

'Where do you sleep Joey?'

'Wherever I happen to fall asleep.'

'Why is there no power?'

'I didn't pay the bill,' she pushed an earring in one ear and then the other pleased with the slightly sparkly, bump flattering top.

'You can't have a baby here,' Doug stated.

'I don't have a baby.'

'But you will,' he persisted.

'I live on as little as possible so I can save as much as possible. I'm going to talk to. Bes about having Alex's old baby stuff. She won't say no.'

'My um mom is getting rid of a bed, if you want... She was going to give it to goodwill.'

'I'm not sleeping on Pacey's old bed.'

'Joey, you can't be churlish about this. You need to make a home and you need to do it soon. That baby could arrive anytime and you need to be ready.'

'I won't have the bed. Help me get the rest ready. Please do, but not the bed. I'd rather just sleep on the floor.'

'It's just a bed Joey,' Doug attempted.

'That he slept in. That we slept in together. To think of him lying in it, dreaming, thinking, hurting...no not the bed. I can sleep on the floor.'

'Ok, not the bed. I have tomorrow off, let's sort out what needs sorting then and just have fun tonight.'

'Ok,' she nodded.

Dinner had been fun and easy and best of all free from mentions of Pacey or depression. It was strange but being out with Doug, the world had gained a little colour. Joey didn't feel quite so hopeless anymore. As they parked up and headed towards The Closet, Joey laughed,

'Oh but that's a great name for a gay bar. Everyone can stumble out of the Closet at closing,' even Doug laughed. 'Have you ever been to a gay bar before?' She asked quietly.

'Nope. Only came out, what ten days ago.'

'You never secretly visited one?'

'Apparently I need a confidence booster. That would be you.'

'It's just a bar Doug. Full of people that might be interested in you. If you're not interested in them that's fine, but let's go have a drink, a dance, a game of pool and hopefully some fun.'

'Ok,' he nodded as they went inside. 'I forgot you're not twenty one,' he whispered in her ear.

'I'm not drinking,' she pointed out.

'I aught to give them a warning for not checking ids,' Doug frowned.

'Do and I'll do four shots and dance on the bar,' she threatened.

'Ok, ok,' he looked around at all the guys, some just having a drink, some playing pool, some dancing together, others making out. There were a few women too, some with other women, some with the guys. It was actually a nice atmosphere. They ordered drinks and then headed to the pool tables.

'This place is nice,' Joey summarized. The atmosphere was distinctly unthreatening. A good looking guy was at the pool table and he looked at Doug with obvious appreciation. 'Wanna game?' she asked.

'Sure,' the guy looked between them and frowned a little.

'Oh we're not together,' Joey shook her head, 'this is his brothers baby.'

'Thanks. I was wondering if I was in the wrong bar. Ethan,' he stuck out a hand.

'Wait...I know you. You're Jack McPhee's Ethan,' she stated.

'Well not really. We were friends once.'

'I'm Joey. So were we. This is Doug,' she nudged Doug and the two guys shook hands.

'How is Jack?'

'He's at Boston U. I haven't seen him since the end of summer. I got knocked up by my boyfriend, so I have no life,' she rolled her eyes but Doug noticed a slight cheekiness beneath the dead beat tone.

'You look good on it,' Ethan said easily, 'so where is the boyfriend?'

'No idea, no longer my boyfriend.'

'My brother is, well he's an idiot.'

'At least she has you,' Ethan seemed to like that.

'And what are you doing Ethan?' Joey asked.

'I just finished college. I'm working at the Boston Globe. '

'Wow journalism. Is that hard to get into?' Joey knew she should let Doug get a word in but journalism was something that had always appealed, maybe because of her Lois Lane idolization. She could write, she knew that. Despite what Doug might think she was trying to come up with a way to support herself and the baby. She had also been writing. Deeply bitter, sad journal entries, not the pathetically titled books she joked about.

'Actually if you have the skill, no. You don't actually need a degree but it really helps. You write?'

'Constantly.'

'Anything publishable. The Globes wanting a new columnist? A women, something edgy?'

'Oh I can do edgy,' she growled.

'Then apply. Let me give you my card now and then we can play pool,' he handed her his card which she tucked safely into her purse. 'Now what do you do Doug?'

'I'm a police office,' Doug admitted, and Ethan's eyes lit up.

'Oh, I like a man in uniform,' he admitted and Joey smiled at Doug's blush. 'So honestly, how good are you both at pool? Do we play teams or take in turns?'

'You guys play first and I'll play the winner,' Joey encouraged and sat down to watch the game.

Joey waved goodbye to Doug and climbed the stairs in her apartment building. It had been a good night. Doug had fed her nicely and treated her nicely and they'd both got a guy's number - the same guys number. Ethan and Doug really hit it off, which was exactly what Doug needed. A nice guy. They'd played pool, Doug and Ethan flirting but neither neglecting her. She didn't feel like a spare wheel and she'd actually managed to laugh. Unlocking her door the apartment was pitch black. Alone again. She put her bag on the counter and took out the pills. One at night was supposed to do the trick. What could it hurt really? It would be nice not to cry at everything. To not feel that unbearable sadness all the time. She reached for the tablets in the dark, opened the container and took one. Was it wise to give someone who was depressed so many tablets, she wondered. Standing alone in her pitch black apartment, her life all but done before it started and it didn't seem like such a crazy idea to bow out. One large container of tablets, one last time falling asleep on a cold, hard floor, one last memory of Pacey at prom and then nothing. Beautiful, blissful nothing. How simple. How easy. Except she'd never taken the easy way. If she had she'd have stuck with Dawson and not gone for Pacey. She put the lid back on the container and swallowed the one tablet. She moved to the bathroom and grabbed the toothbrush she'd prepared earlier and did her teeth. She splashed some water on her face and then moved to the window. She stood for a bit looking out and then the tears started. She sunk to the floor, rolled on her side and cried herself to sleep.

Bang, bang, bang.

Joey opened her eyes, there was actual sunlight shining on them. She picked herself up off the floor and winced at the pain in her hip. Stretching a few times she opened to the door.

'Doug,' she turned and headed back inside putting the kettle on the gas for tea.

'You sleep in your clothes?' he asked.

'When it's to dark to change,' she nodded.

'You cried,' he rubbed a thumb across her cheekbone but she flinched.

'Don't touch me that way, he would and I don't like it.'

'I'm sorry,' Doug held up his hands.

'Sit anywhere and make the tea. I'm going to shower.'

Joey was wearing some leggings and a hoody when she reentered the living room. Doug was sat on the floor in front of the window with two cups of tea and a notepad.

'So, you need everything,' he stated and looked at her with an amused smiled. Reluctantly she laughed,

'Yeah.'

'Here's my cell. Call Bessie and ask her about Alex's stuff. Tell her you'll get it next Sunday.

'I'm working next Sunday 10-6.'

'So we'll get it after them. I'll pick you up after work.'

'You don't have to.'

'And you don't have to come to gay bars with me,' he smirked.

'Ok, ok,' she nodded.

'My mom has old curtains, tons in the loft which I can get for the windows. There's also this plastic stuff that's like double glazing - I'll ask one of the guys at work.'

'It does get a little cold.'

'There's actual gaps around some of the glass panes,' Doug rolled his eyes.

'Ventilation,' Joey said and then laughed at Doug's expression.

'So...my buddy Alan is replacing his couch. It's old but plain and comfy. Really comfy. His wife doesn't want any money for it, just for it to be gone. Another officer, Susie, she's getting rid of some tables and chairs. She's selling them for only fifty bucks and they're in good condition. Her mother in law bought her a brand new set. Now the bed...'

'I'm never going to take that bed.'

'Just take it and then it's here and then if you need one, you have one,' he urged.

'But it's his bed.'

'And that's his child. You can't escape him Joey. I'm his brother.'

'Ok, I'll take the damn bed but I'm not sleeping in it.'

'We can go to Ikea, get some new sheets? Some towels, plates even?'

'Well I do like Ikea,' she admitted.

'Everyone does,' he grinned.

'Perfect room, perfect life,' she rolled her eyes.

'Don't we all wish.'

'Thanks for all this.'

'Oh it's my pleasure, believe me. On our way to Ikea we are going to talk in detail about when I call Ethan, what I say when I call him, and what I suggest we do.'

'Deal,' she nodded.

'Now budget. How much are you allowed to spend on this trip?'

'I want a rocking chair,' she admitted, 'you know, to rock the baby. Not a baby one but a proper one.'

'Ok,' he nodded. 'And then the cooking basics?'

'Yeah.'

'Ok, so call Bes,' he handed her his cellphone and she dialled the B&B.

'Potter B&B,' her sister sounded so proper.

'Hi Bes, it's Joey.'

'Joey,' she sounded so relieved, 'please don't be mad that I told Doug. I just needed to do something. You're so stubborn.'

'It's ok. Doug and I understand each other. I wanted to ask a favour.'

'Of course Jo, anything.'

'Could I please use Alex's old baby stuff? His crib, stroller, the bouncy chair? Any clothes.'

'Of course Joey. Absolutely. I'll get them all sorted for you.'

'Thanks. Doug will help me collect them next Sunday after my shift. At about 6.30.'

'I'm glad one Witter is helping out.'

'Ok,' Joey wanted to end the call.

'I know you're mad at me Jo, but you can't be mad forever. I made a mistake. I love you and I want you to be happy. I may not love what's happened but I want to support you. Say you'll stay to dinner, you and Doug?'

'Do you want to stay for dinner at my sister's on Sunday?' she asked and Doug nodded. He and Bessie were old friends. 'Ok to dinner. I want to be close to you again Bes but...'

'I'll make it up to you Joey,' Bessie promised. 'Oh, you've got mail.'

'Pacey?' she instantly hated herself. What a schmuck asking if it was Pacey. 'Sorry of course not him, who?'

'A letter from Jen, one from Jack and one from Dawson. I think they're ganging up on you. They've called here and have apparently emailed and emailed to no avail.'

'I haven't checked my email in months.'

'Check it.'

'Thanks Bes,' Joey hung up.

'Sorted?'

'Sorted,' Joey said as Doug's cellphone rang.

'Hi Bessie,' he answered. 'Oh...yeah...ok...I'll tell her...yeah...ok...yes...that sounds like a better plan.' He hung up, 'your sister is scary.'

'Why?' Joey frowned.

'She rang up to say the crib has no mattress and to give me the measurements and then she started going on about nursing bras, sanitary pads, nipple cream. I suggested she do all that with you.'

'You're right. She is scary,' Joey agreed.

'So let's go get the couch, the table and chairs and the bed this morning and ikea this afternoon.'

'It won't fit in the cruiser,' Joey frowned.

'Um, we have help,' he winced a little.

'Help?'

'Gretchen and her new boyfriends truck.'

'You told Gretchen? She's not exactly my biggest fan.'

'Everyone is gonna know at some point, right? It's not like it's a deliberate secret.'

'I guess.'

'I just said I needed to help a friend.'

'She's going to be pissed,' Joey shook her head, but couldn't muster the energy to be bothered, 'fine,' she shrugged. 'Where is she meeting us?' she asked as a car honked in the street below. Doug looked.

'That's her.'

'Ok.' Joey shoved her feet into her boots and then went into a room and pulled on a skirt. 'Leggings just isn't enough out of the house,' she explained and then pulled on her thick winter coat, the one that hid her bump entirely. Let Doug explain it. Together they headed into the cold. Joey deliberately got into the back seat of the pickup.

'Joey,' Gretchen looked at her with wild eyes and then at her brother.

'Hey,' Joey murmured from the backseat. This wasn't a conversation she wanted to have. Gretchen was supposed to be in Boston, but according to Doug had borrowed her boyfriends truck to come and collect some stuff from home. Lucky for them.

'Ok, ok, ok, now I'm not going anywhere until you two explain how Dougy, is helping you get furniture for a place here. Aren't you supposed to be at some Ivy League college in Boston?'

'Sure am,' Joey muttered and felt stupid tears prick her eyes. The tears for no reason, yet again.

'Wow, so verbose,' Gretchen turned to her brother, 'since when are you two friends?'

'Since two weeks ago, maybe on and off before then,' Doug stated.

'Does Pacey know about that?' Gretchen gawped at them and the stupid tears leaked out the corners of Joey's eyes. She brushed at them hoping Gretchen wouldn't see.

'Pacey doesn't care what I do,' Joey said as calmly as she could, 'so I don't think he'd have a problem with Doug and I being friends.'

'I don't think he is the one in your relationship we should accuse of not caring,' Gretchen snapped and more tears leaked. Joey craned her neck to look out the window so Gretchen wouldn't see.

'Nobody's making any accusations Gretch,' Doug said calmly. 'We're just moving some furniture.'

'You didn't say it was for Joey because you knew I wouldn't do it, not when she broke Pacey's heart.'

'He shattered mine fairly thoroughly too. And I bet he's doing just fine right now. A boat, a girl, a job, I know Pacey,' she finished bitterly.

'And why shouldn't he have all those things? People are allowed to move on.'

'Sure,' she shrugged. 'It's fine, don't help me. It's ok Doug, I don't need those things.'

'You do need them,' he argued. She looked at them both. Pacey's big brother and sister, one arguing for her and one for him, the both of them turned right around to stare at her.

'She doesn't want to help, she doesn't have to help.'

'I just don't see why I should. I have my own stuff I need to do.'

'It was a favour,' Doug hated his family sometimes, everything as always so complicated.

'I'm sorry Joey, my loyalty has to be to Pacey.'

'And Pacey would want you to help her.'

'No he wouldn't,' Joey stated staring at Doug frowning, 'why would he care?'

'Even if you weren't pregnant he'd still care,' Doug bit out in frustration.

'Woah, woah, woah, you're pregnant? You are pregnant?' she stared at Joey, her eyes wide her jaw dropped, everything emanating her horror.

'It's just me and the kid,' Joey muttered drolly.

'And Pacey doesn't know?'

'Why would Pacey know! He doesn't care. He left and I've heard nothing from him. I don't want to hear anything from him. He doesn't love me. He doesn't want me.'

'But it's his kid?' Gretchen frowned and stared at Joey's hidden stomach.

'Hah,' Joey glared out the window, 'so what? What am I supposed to do, he tells me that when he's with me he feels stupid and worthless and never right. He told me, it's my fault. He told me he doesn't want me. This is a trap for him and I won't do it. I won't have him be here hurting me and hurting our child with his hatred of me.'

'He doesn't hate you,' Gretchen was clearly shocked.

'Oh he does, I'm quite certain. He couldn't even stand for me to touch him and he certainly didn't want to touch me. No love left,' she swiped at tears, 'sorry, apparently I'm suffering from depression and crying constantly is a symptom,' she was blunt.

'Pacey loved you like nothing else,' Gretchen frowned.

'It's true,' Doug added.

'Well that changed didn't it. I'm not going to deliberately keep this from him but I'm not going out of my way to tell him, not when I make him feel so bad, not when I'm clearly this terrible person that can't make someone as loving and wonderful as Pacey happy.'

'It wasn't your job to make him happy,' Doug defended.

'Of course it was and instead I made him hate me. The guy loved me so much he risked all the things precious in our fragile little universe for me and he ends up hating me. What does that say about me? Not a lot,' and she got out of the truck and went inside, curling up on the floor.

Sometime around noon she sat up, her tears had dried though the sadness was still there. She looked around the room in which there was to much and to little to do. She decided to take a shower for lack of any other option and stepping into the warm water felt a little better. The feeling was short lived as she thought about getting out of the shower and then what. Tears overwhelmed her again. Life couldn't go on like this, she knew that. She was stronger than it, she was sure but she couldn't seem to find her strength anywhere. Maybe she should move back into the B&B. Have Bessie look after her like some invalid. The mad depressed sister who never recovered from her broken heart. And what of her child? Bodie and Bessie would raise it and Alex together. Stepping out of the bath she wrapped a towel around herself and went to her room. She threw on some track pants and her hoody, brushing her hair and braiding it down her back. And that was the problem with her life because she didn't know what to do after. There was nothing she wanted to do and so she sat and stared at the wall. Then she got her journal and wrote in it for a long time, before she simply lay down on the floor again. The banging on the door made her jump. She pulled herself to her feet and opened the door to see Doug and Gretchen panting and holding up a small velveteen brown couch, which was actually rather lovely.

'Move lady,' Gretchen ordered and she and Doug carried the couch into the empty apartment and put it in the spot where Joey had been lying moments earlier. 'Wow you weren't exaggerating,' Gretchen looked around. 'You seriously just sleep on the floor.'

'I'd rather a deep, dark nest, but yeah, the floor,' Joey stared at the couch.

'Pretty huh,' Gretchen stated and headed for the door, 'come on, next load. Stick the kettle on Joey.' And they left. Joey didn't put the kettle on but stared at the couch. It gave the room a little meaning. It was pretty actually. Not meant for more than two people but comfy looking. She thought about sitting in it but couldn't quite bring herself to move. She must have been staring at it longer than she realized because Doug and Gretchen were back with a square oak table which was just the right size for the little diner area off the kitchen. 'Kettle Joey,' Gretchen repeated and Joey shook her self a little and moved to the kettle, filling it and turning on the gas. Doug and Gretchen returned with two dining chairs each before she'd made tea and then they were bringing in the bed. Joey turned her back and whilst they were back out at the truck she rummaged in a drawer for an old sheet and spread it over the bed to cover it. When Doug and Gretchen returned they were carrying an old rocking chair. Her eyes widened at the sight of it.

'We told our mom and Doug mentioned you wanted a rocking chair. Mom nursed all five of us in this and she wants you to have it. Neither Carry or Anna wanted it. I don't, so it's yours.' Joey didn't say anything, but looked at the old oak rocking chair. It was beautifully carved, and it had an old cushion on the seat.

'She really said I could have it?'

'Yeah,' Gretchen grinned.

'But she calls me Josie?'

'Well that's mom,' Doug tried to explain.

'Was she mad?'

'At Pace a little I guess, but accidents happen. Mom doesn't say much anymore.'

'No,' Joey acknowledged still staring at the new pieces of furniture that made her apartment look immediately better.

'You may like the ancient mix and match crockery and cutlery she sent over less.'

'I don't care,' Joey stated honestly. 'It all helps.'

'Why is the bed covered like that?' Gretchen asked after a moment.

'I told Doug, I won't sleep in that bed.'

'And I said it was better than nothing.'

'I can't,' she shook her head. 'The couch will do, or the floor.'

'Just move the mattress onto the floor, we can do that,' Gretchen suggested.

'It will still smell like him, so thank you but no thank you. I'll have it here in case I need it just like we agreed,' she stated. 'I made you tea but there's no milk.'

'Because there's no electricity,' Gretchen frowned at the younger girl.

'We all make our choices.'

'Talking of choices, did you never consider, you know, not having the baby?' Gretchen sat on the couch next to Doug, Joey still stood wearily next to her rocking chair.

'I would have, I'm sure I would have. It just felt too late for that kind of decision when I found out,' Joey didn't feel the need to tell them everything but shared what she thought was enough.

'Ok, food then Ikea,' Gretchen stated changing the subject which relieved Joey.

'Will your mom tell Pacey?'

'Whoever speaks to him next will tell him Jo,' Doug answered kindly.

'Ok,' she ignored the nerves.

Five hundred dollars went a long way when you were careful. A couple of tea towels, a washing up brush, a bookcase, some pans and cooking utensils, a lamp and a crib mattress. Gretchen talked her into a small rug for beside the crib and Doug into a couple of cushions for the couch and one for the rocker. Doug bought her a duvet, pillow and plain white covers so she would at least be warm and Gretchen got her a cheap single mattress, for the floor if she so wished or to go on the bed and kill the Pacey smell. Doug ordered take out which they ate around the table by candlelight and when they left she remembered to take her tablet. Initially she'd put the mattress in the bedroom next to Pacey's bed but the room smelt of him thanks to the bed and so she dragged it into the hallway. Regardless, she fell asleep on the floor.