Title: Tremble For Yourself, My Man
Rating: T
Fandom: Warrior Cats
Disclaimer: Title from Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons, spoilers for The Last Hope if you haven't read it.
Characters/Pairings: Brambleclaw/star (centric), Squirrelflight, Brambleclaw/star/Squirrelflight, Dovewing/Bumblestripe, Lionblaze/Cinderheart, Ivypool/Foxleap, and Blossomfall/Toadstep, mentions of Firestar/Sandstorm and Leafpool/Crowfeather.
Summary: Even though it's been seasons, Bramblestar still feels like cats only see his father lurking behind him. But even so, life moves on.
Words: 4, 950~
…
ThunderClan can be best described as...heavy, these past few moons.
It's been hard, painfully so, learning to move on with the death of the leader that most cats in the Clan have been born knowing, loosing a beloved elder and queen along the way (he can hardly bear to think about Hollyleaf, the she-cat who he had raised and loved as his own – no, loves).
It's been arguably even harder for Bramblestar to learn to be accustomed to his new duties as leader. Being deputy for as long as he had, watching his former mentor lead their Clan through more tough times than he could count on his paw, it wasn't that much of a challenge, but. It's definitely something to get used to, having cats call him Bramblestar now instead of his warrior name.
Bramblestar opens his eyes one foggy morning to the scent of a fresh squirrel flooding his nostrils. It's welcoming, no doubt, but it's also very unusual. He picks up his head, giving the limp piece of prey a questionable gaze.
The large tomcat flicks his ear, grasping the squirrel by it's tail and pulling it closer to him while he sits up in the newly refreshed nest (he can still smell Firestar's scent, no matter how long the moons have seemed).
"Thank StarClan you woke up before that became stale," Bramblestar sits up straight quickly, mid-bite, blinking as he sees his ma-deputy, Squirrelflight standing in the entrance to his den.
Her dark ginger fur gives off a pale golden hue as the sun's rays hit it, making her green eyes light up in a way that he'd only seen a few chance times. Her one white paw, a mysterious coloration for neither parents carried white on them, was gray-brown at the toes – obviously she'd been out hunting.
Bramblestar runs his tongue over his muzzle, catching a strand of meat that had been hanging on his chin. The new leader blinks, allowing his shoulders to lull back in a more comfortable way.
"Yeah, well, we all can't be punctual in waking up as soon as the sun peeks from the trees." He jokes with her, outstretching a dark colored paw to push against her shoulder.
Squirrelflight rolls her eyes. "Oh, excuse me – I didn't realize that being a leader meant that you get an all free pass to be lazy," she meows jokingly, her whiskers twitching.
Bramblestar laughs, bending down and pushing the other half of the squirrel toward her. "I think you're just jealous because I became leader before you," he tells her.
She gives him a pointed glare, but it only lasts for a few seconds. "Yeah, okay. I was just itching to being piled up with more duties and be responsible for an entire Clan," she murmurs, and he can just sense that there's something else there, like she's holding back.
And it begins to dawn on him – she never made any indication of wanting to become deputy, certainly not just after her beloved fathers death. Sure, every cat talked about becoming leader, waiting for the opportunity to show that they can be the best (that's not entirely true – take WindClan for example. Most of the warriors there are twice as skilled as Onestar), and Squirrelflight had made it some sort of game – before he became deputy – of saying she'd be leader before him.
It makes him wonder whether or not she hates him a little for that (okay, so hate's maybe too strong of a word, but).
He was silent for a few moments, gazing off into the distance and pondering, when Squirrelflight meows:
"Er – did I say something...?" she asks – and yet again there's the sound of a mask, like she's hiding another emotion.
Bramblestar jolts a little, being shaken back to reality, and shakes his head dismissively. "No, no, it's not you...I'm just...," he trails off, loosing what to say.
"Thinking," she sighs, and Squirrelflight brushes her tail against the stone ground, sitting in a sort of slouched position, tail curling over her paws. "Yeah, most cats seem to be doing that lately." It's a sad mew.
"There's a lot to think about."
Squirrelflight looks like she wants to say something, but she doesn't, because she gets to her paws and is already heading back through the entrance when she says:
"It's been a nice chat, but – I need to sort out patrols and clear my head for a bit."
He watches her leave without protest, her thick tail disappearing as she leaps off of the side of the Highledge. It's been a lot of these types of conversations lately – they start off the way they used to be; airy, happy, calm, joking, even – but then they go down into short and rushed goodbyes. There's always something keeping the other busy, keeping them from admitting the problems they're still having. Bramblestar guesses that the problems he and Squirrelflight are having, the reason why he still can't call her his mate, is trusting her. And he knows that Squirrelflight can't help but pull back from him; she's terrified of being hurt again. Maybe he is too.
Bramblestar lets out a sigh, allowing his tabby stripes to flex and contort as he stretches, bones releasing the air between them with a dull crack!.
Today already feels like a long day.
…
Bramblestar brings himself to the center of camp, his pale amber eyes tracing the inner workings of ThunderClan.
Sandstorm is curled near the fresh-kill pile, the pale tabby's face resting on her paws while watching Snowkit, Amberkit, and Dewkit playing near their mother and older sister. Bramblestar pauses, watching as she hardly moves for minutes, just watching the Clan life go on around her with a dull and vacant expression.
He worries about her. Sandstorm is a strong she-cat no doubt – she raised two successful she-cats and had battle experience far beyond most – but she was so depressed lately, for lack of a better word. Sure, she still got up and participated in Clan activities, and she was pressing him into allowing her to mentor one of Brightheart's kits, but. She'd go through these downward spirals, from time to time, once happy, but then turning into a sharp gloom. She wasn't the old Sandstorm anymore – not that slightly cranky, but still positive she-cat who told it like it was.
(But then again, he wasn't the same Bramblestar anymore – he wasn't the tomcat who had lead the chosen cats into a journey that most would've turn away from. He wasn't the cat who took his brothers life for his leaders; it was a selfless act that had earned ThunderClan's complete trust. And he certainly wasn't the cat who raised three amazing cats, teaching them right from wrong. He wasn't the cat that Squirrelflight was proud to call her mate, the father of his kits.)
Maybe neither of them knew who they were anymore.
Suddenly, he feels a thump on his foreleg, and jolts, looking down at the ground with the hit leg held up in the air. His neck fur is spiked up, expecting it to be an intruder (though it's a strange accusation; he's sure that the camps guards wouldn't just allow an enemy cat to just stroll into the camp, past Brightheart, Sandstorm, and Whitewing and walk right up to him).
Bramblestar relaxes when he sees that it's only Brightheart's daughter, Amberkit. The she-kit is shaking her head, her kit-blue eyes looking up at the leader in wonder.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Bramblestar! Snowkit pushed me!" she squeaks, looking absolutely embarrassed. The gray kitten, dips her head, and attempts to scuttle off, but only trips over her tail.
Bramblestar feels sympathy for the young kit (StarClan knows how many times he bumped into warriors and Bluestar when he was young), and he bends down, grasping her scruff and placing her back up on her toes.
"It's alright, Amberkit. I'm not going to throw a fit and exile you for bumping into me, you know," he jokes warmly, giving her a smile.
Her one white ear twitches, and she smiles brightly. "Oh, I wasn't worried about that!" she mewls.
Curiosity takes over, and before he can ask, her brother, Snowkit, tumbles into the scene after her, white fur becoming caked with gray and brown. The tomkit curls his lip in distaste at the state of his fur.
"Yuck!" he hisses, sitting down and beginning to lick his fur as to clean it.
"Oh, Snowkit," Amberkit turns her attention to her brother, prodding his shoulder with a paw. "Didn't Dewkit say something about Tigerstar being our new leader now?" she asks, and it immediately sends Bramblestar's blood running cold.
Oh, he thinks, a sad and almost guilty feeling welling up in his stomach, of course.
Snowkit looks up, glancing at Bramblestar. "Yeah, he did – but don't get mad at him, he says stupid stuff all the time!" he cries out, looking actually worried for the well-being of his littermate.
Bramblestar sighs, sitting down and blinking at the pair. "I'm not mad at Dewkit; I look just like my father, and he wouldn't know any better but to assume so." He tells them, shoving that indignant response down to the back of his throat.
Amberkit looks up at Bramblestar. "My mother says that I'm being incrusive-" He almost chuckles at her mispronunciation of the word 'intrusive' "-about asking you this, but did you feel sad when your dad died?" she asks.
Snowkit whips his head to glare at his sister. "Amberkit," he hisses under his breath.
"No, it's okay," Bramblestar tells the other, and then the question really sets into his brain: Was he sad when Tigerstar died?
It was a question that he's been asking himself for the two moons after the Great Battle. He knows what Tigerstar did. He knows that he killed Firestar, the only cat that Bramblestar had seriously looked up to and set as a role model – he knows that Tigerstar was willing to kill his son in order to get what he wanted, and didn't even care when Hawkfrost died...both times. This was the cat that willingly took another mate while his mother was still alive, who was the reason that Bramblestar didn't get sleep some nights, comforting his mother about his father.
But yet...he couldn't truly hate him. He's tried, mind you. Bramblestar has tried telling himself, convincing himself, even, that Tigerstar didn't care about him or his mother, not about Mothwing, Tawnypelt, or Hawkfrost. He's tried telling himself that he'd never amount to anything in his father's eyes, that he'll never be anything but a pawn used to get his father what he really wanted – power. He's tried telling himself that he got what he deserved, that Tigerstar should only fade into a memory of his mind, and should only be known as his biological father, nothing more.
And then the question comes back: Was he sad? Bramblestar hates himself for even feeling it, but he couldn't stop the emotion of grief well through him as he saw Tigerstar bleeding out on the ground. He watched as his father's ambitions and plan blew up in his face.
He couldn't hate him. He didn't love him, not like Squirrelflight loved Firestar, but he didn't hate him either. He could never truly hate his father.
"I'm sorry for asking," He jolts out of his reverie when he hears Amberkit's mewl, "We'll go – but it was nice talking to you, Bramblestar." She meows, sounding even more embarrassed than she did when she bumped into his leg.
Bramblestar frowns. "Oh, no, don't be sorry – it's a very good question," he informs her, straightening his back. "My father was a very bad cat. He killed many just to get what he wanted, and he didn't even care when my brother died – twice..." He doesn't know how do go on with his explaniation – it sounds better in his mind than it does aloud, he realizes.
"I hate the cat he was. I hate what he did to my family, to my sister and my mother. And I hate that he killed Firestar. I hate what he did, but I know that I can't hate my own father. At least, not like how I wish I could...does that make sense?" he asks them, words babbling out of his mouth before he can process them.
Amberkit and Snowkit share a glance, and Snowkit looks back up at him.
"I guess so. I mean, even if my dad was evil, I don't think I could really ever hate him." He tells the leader.
Bramblestar finds himself smiling. "You know, you two are very wise for kits," he meows.
"Amberkit, Snowkit!" Bramblestar looks up as Brightheart pads toward the trio, her one green eye exasperatedly looking between the two. "Are you two bothering Bramblestar?" she asks, than looking up at Bramblestar. "I'm so sorry, Bramblestar, were they?"
He chuckles. "No, not at all, Brightheart," he tells her, giving the second-time queen a sympathetic smile. "They were just being very inquisitive, and asked a very good question." He looks back down at the two. "They'll be fine warriors."
He can feel Brightheart's relaxation before he can see it. "Oh, really?" she looks back down at them. "That's a high praise, you two," she tells them.
They look up at their mother excitedly, before scampering after her as they walk back toward the nursery.
Amberkit looks back over her shoulder, before running back toward Bramblestar, nuzzling the tabby's leg with her cheek.
"You're dad should be proud of you, Bramblestar," she meows, giving him a wide smile. Before he can even process anything, she runs back toward her mother and brother.
It's one of the best praises he's ever received.
…
The day carries on quietly, and soon enough, it's sunhigh, and most cats are languidly laying around the camp. He sees Purdy laying near the elders den, with Lilykit and Seedkit sitting in front of him; he's probably sharing yet another one of his infamously long stories.
Lilykit and Seedkit are both six moons old by now, and Brackenfur and Sorreltail have both been pressuring him into making their apprentice ceremonies.
But there's something that he needs to get off of his chest first.
Jayfeather is sitting in front of his den, blind eyes scanning the camp, as if he's monitoring the behavior. Lionblaze suddenly appears next to him, the large golden tabby shaking out his fur and sitting next to his brother.
Bramblestar's so proud of them, he realizes as he looks at them. They grew up to be amazing cats, cats that are so special that it makes Bramblestar depressed sometimes when he realizes that he's not their biological father.
With a smile, he leaps off of the Highledge and pads toward the medicine cat den.
Lionblaze looks toward Bramblestar, dipping his head in deep respect. Jayfeather twitches his ear in acknowledgment, his tail-tip twitching.
"I...I just wanted to tell you two something," Bramblestar meows, skipping the greetings and just getting to the point.
Jayfeather turns his head toward Bramblestar, eyes narrowing, while Lionblaze just blinks at him with curious amber eyes (Bramblestar once thought that Lionblaze's eyes looked a lot like his own, and a little bit like Leafpool's. It's sad that he was wrong).
He sucks in a breath, getting prepared to say the speech that for too long he was too scared to tell the pair. "I'm proud of you both," he meows finally, "Very proud. I always knew that there was something special about you two and...Hollyleaf-" His voice cracks when he says the beloved she-cat's name, "-and I just wanted to let you two know that, no matter what...I'll always think of you three as my kits." He waits for them to say an awkward 'thank you', or even just sit there, unable to say anything.
Lionblaze gives him a huge smile, one that he was so used to seeing when the golden tabby was an apprentice. "...Really?" he asks, and his voice sounds a little bit smaller.
Jayfeather looks toward Bramblestar, his blue eyes going soft. "We're both proud of you too, Bramblestar. Honestly, every time I thought of Crowfeather as my father...it just never really sunk in for me. You've been there for everything, and...thank you for it." He tells him, his usually snappy and irritated behavior dropping.
Before he can even think it through, Bramblestar nuzzles the space between Jayfeather's ears, Lionblaze suddenly joining in and rubbing his cheek against Bramblestar's forehead. Neither of them shrink away from him, like he'd expect them too, they stay, excepting the sign of affection, just like two sons would to their father.
It's a good moment.
…
Bramblestar sits on the Highledge, and, at first, it feels foreign – he's been used to watching Firestar preform these ceremonies but, finally, it's his turn.
"Let all cat's old enough to catch a piece of prey – I mean, their own prey – gather beneath the Highledge for a Clan meeting!" He shouts louder than he intends to, and foxdung he messed up on the announcement.
Cats begin to gather, and it seems natural to them. Watching all the cats of ThunderClan looking up at them with such respect is...new. It's not bad or anything, but for the first time, no one is looking at him like the deputy of ThunderClan, like he's been for the past seasons.
It makes him feel authoritative, for a lack of a better word.
Bramblestar straightens himself for what seems like the umpteenth time that day, before clearing his throat.
"It's come to my attention that I have two she-cat's in this Clan that are old enough to become apprentices. They've waited patiently, and now it's their time to shine. Seedkit, Lilykit, please come forward." He informs the Clan. He leaps down from the Highledge, landing the soft grass.
Lilykit immediately squeaks out, looking up at her mother with a delighted expression on her face, while Seedkit scuttles up to the Highledge, with Lilykit running after her. It reminds Bramblestar of Tawnypelt and him, both cats unable to contain their excitement as they were named apprentices of ThunderClan.
But that was then, and this is now.
Bramblestar offers the two she-cats a warm smile, watching as the two pause before him, bowing their heads in both respect and as a thank you. He takes in a deep breath, allowing a pregnant pause to fall before everyone in the Clan.
"Lilykit, from this day on, until you receive your warrior name, you will be known as Lilypaw," The new name makes the now-Lilypaw give Bramblestar a huge smile, her teeth showing only a little bit. "Dustpelt. You have been a warrior for seasons, and have proven to be greatly experienced in battle and Clan matters. I trust you to mentor Lilypaw, and train her to her fullest potential." He meows, stepping back.
Dustpelt's amber eyes light up, and he looks down at Lilypaw as the fluffy tabby-and-white she-cat bounds toward him. The two touch noses, and Lilypaw sits down next to her new mentor, yellow eyes vibrantly watching her sister become an apprentice.
Bramblestar looks to Seedkit. "From this day on, until she has received her warrior name, Seedkit will be known as Seedpaw. Sandstorm," And then their eyes meet – green and amber, and the grief that she expressed constantly fades away suddenly as she realizes that she'll be useful again. "You are a fantastic hunter, and you're experienced beyond your years. You'll mentor Seedpaw into becoming a fine warrior."
Seedpaw bounces to Sandstorm, the two pale ginger she-cat's touching noses. When Sandstorm looks back up at Bramblestar, her eyes express a million emotions, things that she can't say without babbling on for centuries.
So it all just comes down to a "Thank you."
...
The Gathering comes a few days later. Seedpaw and Lilypaw both seem excited for their first gathering, and Brackenfur has had to silence them a few times on the patrol toward the island when they became too loud.
It's a strange thing, getting used to being leader, but yet it's welcoming too.
He sees Tawnypelt at the island, and he immediately is bombarded by his sister, who nuzzles his cheek. Immediately, he knows that something good must have happened, because, though she was a sweet cat at heart, Tawnypelt has never been one for nuzzling her ThunderClan brother. They loved each other dearly, mind you, but both knew that they couldn't go on with acting like apprentices again, inseparable.
"Dawnpelt gave birth a few days ago!" she cries to him, her green eyes bedazzling in their brightness. She smiles wider than he's ever seen her, only beaten by when she told him that she was pregnant with Rowanclaw's kits.
"Oh, really? That's amazing!" Bramblestar jolts, rolling his eyes jokingly and watching as Squirrelflight bounces over, her thick tail a ginger plume over her back. "I hope they're healthy and strong."
Tawnypelt grins. "She has three sons; Wrenkit – a brown tabby – Aspenkit – a dappled gray – and Swiftkit – a black-and-white. Strong and healthy," Tawnypelt tells them, though he notes how her voice falters when she says the last kits name.
Bramblestar shares her grief; they're older half-brother, Swiftpaw, died by the same beast that gave Brightheart her scars. Though it was seasons ago, Bramblestar still shared some grief for the tom that showed him so much and encouraged him to be the best that he could be. Obviously Dawnpelt would have no knowledge of the apprentice, but still.
"Tell Dawnpelt that her uncle sends her the best of luck," he meows to her, and he bends forward, nuzzling his cheek against her face. They pull back, and he gives her a soft smile. "I can't wait to see them when they become apprentices."
Squirrelflight, whom Bramblestar had forgotten was there, took her turn to touch noses with the tortoiseshell. "Oh, I'm so happy for you Tawnypelt! Crowfrost and Dawnpelt must be very happy," she meows, and Bramblestar sighs when he realizes that the two will probably begin gossiping soon – something that he'd never been fond of.
Squirrelflight and Tawnypelt share a few moments of conversation, until Tigerheart, Tawnypelt's other kit, calls her over, and she tells them a heartfelt goodbye.
Bramblestar rolls his eyes as the walk away, and Squirrelflight proceeds to tell him about how cute they must be.
"You're such a softie when it comes to kits," he murmurs to her, flicking his tail over her shoulder.
Squirrelflight butts her head against his shoulder. "Oh, be silent. You know that when you have kits, I'll be running my mouth of and telling everyone about it." And she must not have realized she said it, because Squirrelflight continues walking.
Bramblestar stops, staring at the dark ginger she-cat. "Are you...?" He doesn't know whether or not she understands what he's getting at, but Squirrelflight only turns her head toward him, rolling her eyes and swiping at his ears with her white paw.
"We've been dancing around this for moons, Bramblestar. You know that I still love you...and you love me," Her 'stating the obvious' behavior is dropped, and Squirrelflight steps closer to him, giving him a fond smile. "I was never ready to say goodbye to you."
And his heart thuds against his ribcage as he leans toward her, the size difference they share always making it look awkward whenever he nuzzled her. But he does so, putting his muzzle against hers and purring.
"Ha! I knew it!"
They pull apart, Squirrelflight's fur puffing up in an embarrassed way, while Bramblestar's paws slip from underneath him as he attempts to get away.
Ivypool glares at Breezepelt, giving the black-colored tom a grin. "Told you!" she meows to him, and Breezepelt rolls his eyes.
"Oh shut up."
And suddenly, Bramblestar sees cats staring at the two of them, and oh crap they were nuzzling each other at the gathering.
When he sits at the large, old oak tree with the other three leaders, he doesn't miss the wink Blackstar gives him.
…
A few moons later, and new additions have been added to ThunderClan.
Dovewing gave birth to Bumblestripe's kits; Boulderkit's a large, gray-colored tom, Mintkit's a pale-colored gray she-cat, and Ternkit, a gray-and-white tom. Dovewing seemed happy, happier than he's ever seen her. She nuzzled her kits, cooing and purring, while Bumblestripe just grinned a big, goofy grin, wrapping his larger body as best as he could around his family.
Ivypool and Foxleap had also become mates, and, though there wasn't any talk about her being pregnant, Foxleap had begun to repeatedly tell her to cut back on her warrior duties (Ivypool was a senior warrior – the youngest, in fact, but she deserved it from all the hard work she did in the battle with the Dark Forest).
Cinderheart also gave birth to a beautiful daughter. Morningkit was a diluted tortoiseshell, and only a moon younger than Dovewing and Bumblestripe's kits, but already just as lively, taking a mixture of her mother and father's personality.
Purdy died a peaceful death of old age; he's body was buried next to Mousefur and Longtail's.
And at this moment, it was time for Amberkit, Snowkit, and Dewkit's apprentice ceremonies.
Bramblestar watched as the three kit's squirmed excitedly, waiting to be named accordingly to their new positions.
"Snowkit, from this moment on, until you receive your warrior name, you will be known as Snowpaw. Blossomfall, though you're still a young warrior, you showed remarkable strength and bravery in the battle with the Dark Forest. You will mentor Snowpaw."
Bramblestar watches as Snowpaw let's out an squeak, running toward the tortoiseshell-and-white she-cat and touching noses.
Dewkit looks up expectantly. The kit who used to think that he was his father now looks up with respect and delight. "Dewkit, you will be known as Dewpaw until you receive your warrior name. Berrynose, I mentored you and you've shown to be a good warrior – smart, quick, and not afraid to show our enemies that ThunderClan won't be pushed around. You'll mentor Dewpaw."
They touch noses, and Berrynose looks pleased as he stares at his old mentor.
And then there's Amberkit. Brightheart says that she looks up to him, that she aspires to be just like him. Amberkit loves to be around Bramblestar, even asking him personally more than five times if he'll mentor her, when the time comes.
"Amberkit, you will be known as Amberpaw. I will mentor you, and I hope that you can contain your bright personality and use it to become an amazing warrior." He jokes with her in that last bit, and Amberpaw doesn't hesitate to press noses with the leader, sitting next to him and raising her chin, looking almost too pleased with the end result.
He catches Squirrelflight's eye, and she gives him a wink.
…
Molepaw becomes Moleclaw and Cherrypaw becomes Cherrywhisker. Graystripe and Millie retire to the elders den, despite the fact that Millie still has a few good moons left in her. Dustpelt and Sandstorm say that, after they are done with Lilypaw and Seedpaw's apprenticeship, they'll follow them into retirement.
Ivypool has officially become a queen, and Foxleap is the proud father.
Thornclaw says that there was WindClan scent intruding into their territory, though Onestar denies it. Onestar's almost going to retire, as Bramblestar notes.
Squirrelflight whispers to him one night in their shared nest:
"I want to start a family."
…
Squirrelflight get's pregnant, but the kits die inside of her.
The grief is unimaginable.
…
Seedpaw becomes Seedfoot and Lilypaw becomes Lilyheart, and Sandstorm and Dustpelt become elders. The four elders are still helpful to the Clan, but the retirement that they share together was well put off, and they all now enjoy it.
Squirrelflight still sobs in her sleep.
…
Squirrelflight becomes pregnant again, but the kit she gives birth to is stillborn.
…
Everything seems to be crashing down on the pair – Squirrelflight might not be able to support kits, or StarClan's just that cruel.
But then, moons later, it happens.
Squirrelflight gives birth, but this time the two kits survive.
Lightkit's a pale ginger tabby she-kit and Hawkkit's a brown tabby tom. Bramblestar names him Hawkkit for the life that his half-brother was denied, for the fact that he was turned evil only by their father. Amberpaw wants to become one of their mentor's, when the time comes, and Sandstorm says that StarClan was just waiting for the right time for them to be born.
Bramblestar watches his Clan, the Clan that has experienced so much grief and pain, that has gone through so many times of turmoil and have never had a time of piece, since the time when Bluestar was born, all until the time that Firestar died.
Finally, everyone can just sit back, take a breath and just relax.