This is just a little something that was inspired by a few lyrics in the song Signs by Bloc Party and I wanted to address Adam's death and how Ros might cope with it. This is my first Spooks fic and I'm quite interested in the relationship between Ros and Adam, though I don't know how much justice I've done it here.
Disclaimer: I do not own nor claim to own any of the characters featured in this story, or the lyrics referenced to.
I could sleep forever these days because in my dreams I see you again ~ Signs - Bloc Party
"Malcolm, we have a problem." Ros relayed through her ear piece as she ran.
"Harbinson is dead but I did get the intelligence. I'm just running back to the car. Yes I'll -"
All Malcolm could hear was the screeching of tyres followed by a series of thuds and a vehicle driving off at high speed.
"Ros!" He yelled. the panic in his voice rising as he continued to try and get an answer from her but was met only by silence.
Ros had been running across a quiet country round, she hadn't seen the speeding car approaching.
Ros could sleep forever these days, because in her dreams she saw him again.
The first time was the most vivid.
She found herself in a white space, light and airy and he was waiting there, for her.
At first she was slightly shocked, starting and stopping dead as he turned around to face her, hands casually stuffed in his pockets and his face creased into a warm smile.
Ros stood there and drank him in, not even bothering to question why he was intruding her dreams. He was perfect in every way, his sparkling blue eyes, blond hair and slim build. But she knew he had been far from perfect inside. He had been broken, like her and that had been part of their problem.
But she found that didn't matter anymore. She felt so calm, it was peaceful, she was away from the stress and chaos of her day to day existence. And that was just how it felt, she just drifted numbly through each day, unfeeling. What saved her was her drive to do her job, if she didn't have that, she wasn't sure there was anything left her to live for.
Adam's presence was so comforting that she forgot this was just a fabricated illusion in her head, he was real. Ros walked up to him, quickly closing the gap between them until they were standing, impossibly close to one another. He wrapped his strong arms around her petite frame and pulled her to his chest. She clung on to him like she's never let go, she'd never let him go again. Laying her head on his chest, Ros breathed in his scent, it was like oxygen to her.
"I hate you for leaving me." She quietly admitted. A hot tear ran down her cheek.
"There were so many things I wanted to say outside the memorial, even though we said our goodbyes, we never got a proper one."
"Shhh." Adam murmured, gently laying a finger against her thin lips.
"I'm here now."
Ros pulled away and tilted her head back slightly to meet his eyes.
"Yes, but you're not real." She said simply.
A look of hurt flickered across his face, he slowly brushed the blond hair from her face and lent down, until he was inches from her face.
With a gasp Ros awoke, a single tear traced on her cheek.
As the weeks passed since Adam's death, the dreams became more frequent, but each time Adam became more distant, like he was slipping away from her as something would always come between them. When Ros woke, a familiar gnawing sensation would return to the pit of her stomach.
She began to wonder if she was gong insane. She stood in front of her bathroom mirror one morning and almost thought she saw him behind her reflection. She spun round, but the room was empty, she was alone. Gripping the sides of the sink, Ros cursed herself, told herself she was being stupid and she was stronger than this. Rage boiled up inside her, making her want to smash the mirror into hundreds of tiny little shards, appropriate imagery of how she was feeling perhaps, but she had probably smashed enough items in her safe house.
Occasionally, her mask would slip on the Grid. Little things, such as the morning Lucas was cursing the fact that they had run out of coffee filters again.
"There's blotting paper in Malcolm's desk." Ros offered, but remembered that had been Adam's solution one stressful morning. She faltered slightly, but quickly composed herself and carried on with the task at hand. Harry, however, knew Ros much better and noticed that something was wrong and pulled her aside in his office one day.
"Is everything all right Ros?" He asked in concern.
Ros gave him a quizzical look.
"Everything's fine Harry, why?" She asked coolly.
"It's just you seem…distracted." Harry explained, not at all perturbed by the frosty glare he was now receiving.
"I'm fine."
"Yes, well, of there's anything at all, you know you can come talk to me." He said gently.
Thanks, Harry." Ros murmured and stalked quickly out of the office, heels clacking as she headed for the toilets.
Ros ran into the bathroom and clutched at a sink, her knuckles turning white from the pressure. She was starting to let the cracks show, the wall she had carefully erected around herself crumbling down, exposing her true emotions. She was furious with herself, wanted to scream, to punch something. Turning on the tap, Ros splashed cool water over her face as she tried to regain her composure. She wasn't sure if she could do this anymore. Adam wasn't even alive and he was driving her crazy.
Two ravens in the old oak tree, one for you and one for me
Bluebells in the late December, I see signs now all the time
Ros blinked, upon regaining her senses, she found she was in a white space once more.
Great, don't tell me I'm dead.
But it wasn't entirely white, she realised, vivid blue patches were splashed about at random, like someone had thrown blue paint at a blank canvas. It was a winter landscape, she was surrounded by snow…and bluebells. Trust her come up with a screwed up scenario like this. She knew she was going slowly nuts.
Turning round, not too far away from her, Ros saw a statuesque oak tree, standing tall and magnificent, it's ancient, gnarled branches stretching out into the cold, grey sky. Two ravens sat perched side by side, peering down in curiosity from their branch. Ros started to walk towards it, but stopped when she realised a figure sat on a bench beneath the great giant, a figure who was oh so too familiar, sitting in wait for her.
She stepped hesitantly towards him, fully expecting him to vanish into thin air, but he didn't, just smiled as she drew closer and turned his head as she slid on to the bench beside him.
"I just can't seem to let you go can I?" She whispered to the ghost sat beside her.
"I think you know why that is." Adam said, gazing up through the heavy branches to the leaden sky. Ros smiled wryly as she followed his gaze, the sky perfectly reflected her current state of mind.
"You know, I never got revenge, not really. Arcady Katchimoff may be dead, but I only watched Harry shoot him. I wish it had been me who pulled the trigger."
"I know you blame yourself." Adam sighed, locking his blue-grey eyes with hers. Ros laughed bitterly, it sounded harsh as it echoed through her winter waste land.
"You're really my subconscious talking." Adam didn't let his gaze falter.
Ros sighed and stared ahead of her, not really seeing the sparse scenery in front of her in the timeless space.
"Sometimes I think that if I hadn't stopped you outside the memorial, you might have had enough time to get out of the car."
She thought about it almost every night, but never had admitted it to anyone before, but seeing as this was all in her head, she felt free to open up, more to herself than anything else.
Adam lent closer to her, a concerned look of pity etched on his face which annoyed Ros, she didn't want his pity, he was just a shard of her memory, her subconscious.
"But you didn't know."
"That's not the point Adam!" She snapped. Her face fell as she looked back into his eyes.
"I feel guilty Adam. I walked away from my own bloody funeral, I should be dead. You shouldn't." She furiously blinked back tears as Adam touched her hand.
"You don't have to hide your feelings here you know." He whispered, smiling gently.
"It just isn't fair Adam, we could've had another chance." Choked sobs escaped her throat.
"You said it yourself Ros, we were broken, it wouldn't have worked and we wouldn't be ourselves."
Ros nodded, wiping the salty tears from her pale cheeks.
"Time." She whispered. "We never had enough."
"I'll always love you." Adam breathed, leaning into her, his warm breath tickling her ear. Ros could feel her heartbeat quicken, blood rushing through her head.
"We can have that goodbye now."
His soft, warm lips found hers and Ros's senses went into overdrive as she responded to the action, deepening the kiss. She felt his hands move to the small of her back while hers raked through his thick hair. She didn't want that moment to end, but knew it must, and as she resigned herself to that, Harry's voice bled in through her head.
"Ros, please wake up."
They both pulled away from the kiss, and with his forehead rested against hers, breathing deeply, Adam whispered two words.
"Wake up."
Ros's eyelids fluttered open, squinting through the harsh light of the brightly lit hospital room. She felt numb, but strangely relaxed.
"Ros?"
Harry was sat by her bedside, looking utterly exhausted, she sensed he might not have left her side during the period that she had been unconscious for, however long that had been, A small mountain of polystyrene coffee cups had amassed in the bin beside him.
"Harry." Her voice cracked from disuse and her throat felt very dry.
"Nice to have you back with us." He smiled down at his second in command, she had pulled through. They had feared the worst, a head injury, several broken bones and internal bleeding had all been caused from the impact with the speeding car and no one knew how bad it was.
"I don't know if you remember, but you were hit by a car, you've been unconscious for the last three days. How do you feel?"
"Groggy, but better, much better." Ros smiled, she did indeed feel much better over the whole Adam situation. Harry frowned slightly, wondering what she meant, but dismissed it, she did, after all, have a head injury.
Then Ros remembered. "Did you get the files?" She asked. Harry sighed and rolled his eyes.
"It's all work with you isn't it?" You've been in a coma for the last three days."
"You can talk, have you even been home since I've been here, you look like you've hardly slept at all."
"Once or twice…" Harry skirted round the subject.
"And you still haven't answered my first question." Ros levelled with a hint of amusement to her tone.
Harry chuckled, knowing full well that Ros would make a speedy recovery.
"We did get them, after finding you lying in the middle of the road. You do know that it'll be a while before you can return to the grid, let alone to the field. There's no lasting damage, but it'll take a while to heal those broken bones."
Ros realised that her right arm was strapped up, and she must have a few broken ribs. She dubiously wondered how her legs had fared, but she had no energy to try and find out.
She yawned, her eyelids beginning to droop. "I know Harry."
Ros drifted off into a deep sleep, finally accepting that she would no longer see Adam, not even in her dreams. All she had needed was closure, and he had given it to her, well, she had provided it herself, in her own warped way. But she could live with herself now as she and Adam were finally at peace with one another.