The ending isn't how I wanted it to be, but every time I thought about how to word it and I try to tip it, all words fail me and I know nothing anymore. So we all have to life with this ending. In the real one the meeting between Ye Qiu and Sun Xiang is a bit longer and I say more about Sun Xiang's feelings... But well... I suck at writing so life with it. I will never learn how to put my well worded thoughts into my stories. I'm sorry. I suffer as well.
And yes, I am ending the year 2018 with a sad Sun Xiang/Ye Xiu story because I can and because I don't want to start 2019 with a sad Sun Xiang/Ye Xiu story. (It's not yet 2019 where I am!)
.
Never in his live had Sun Xiang thought, silence could be so frightening. This silence threaten him with eternity. He didn't want this silence between them to be eternal! One may think, all he had to do to interrupt this silence was to speak up, but he was afraid the other one wouldn't answer. Being ignored would make the silence even worse. He hated it. He hated, how he had nothing worth of saying. He hated, how the other one looked so weak. He hated, how things turned out this way, though it was only logical, since he and the other one – he and Ye Xiu – had no close relationship. He hated, how he was just an opponent to Ye Xiu. He hated Ye Xiu so much!
Why was the sun shining today? It wasn't fitting the mood – his mood. A thin film of sweat lingered on his body. Maybe because it was so hot. Maybe because he was so nervous. Every two minutes or so he wiped the sweat off of his hands onto his trouser leg. He was thirty. However, he ignored it and hoped to find a topic to talk about – hoped to find the words to express his thoughts and feelings. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? Did he even have the right to have any thoughts or feelings related to this matter? Towards Ye Xiu?
The reason he had started to play Glory, was Ye Xiu and his One Autumn Leaf. At first he wanted to fight alongside his idol, but through the time inside the game – all the praise from other players and finally the invitation to a professional team – he changed. Slowly his dreams from fighting alongside Ye Xiu turned into fighting against him and defeating him until they were about not only defeating the Battle God, but becoming the next Battle God!
Ye Xiu had never done anything to him and yet on their first meeting face to face, he acted out on his former idol. In the past few months he had thought about his actions. Had he acted out of disappointment, because his idol was so normal, so plain – Ye Xiu didn't look like a hero, like someone special or great? Or had he acted out of disgust towards the fact that this old man didn't seem to care – why had this man looked so arrogant, had looked down on him, when it was the old geezer that was about to be replaced with someone better?
Was he better than Ye Xiu? Once he would have answered to this question with a confident and absolute yes, but nowadays he wasn't so sure anymore. Or course, his APM were higher and because of his young age, he had more changes to improve and more stamina. Considering only those factors made it seem that he indeed was better than his idol, but how fair was it to compare them now? There was an age gape of eight years! He was young, while the other one was old. So, was he better than the young Ye Xiu? The Ye Xiu, who won three championships? Although Glory was already in its third server, when the professional league was created, there were still a lot of thing that had to be figured out by the players. Even nowadays pro players still found new ways of incorporating the features of the arena environment – like the sun light in some maps that could be used as cover – or created new skill combinations. The Ye Xiu from back than wasn't as knowledgeable about Glory as the current Ye Xiu was.
Sun Xiang was a lucky one, he didn't need to figure things out on his own – at least not as much as the first generation of pro players. Through trial and error the first generation, especially Ye Xiu, had discovered different skill combinations and tactics. Thanks to the first players the new generation had a better training program that ensured that they wouldn't make any unnecessary moves. They performance was beautiful, so they could please the eyes of the fans, and efficient. Ye Xiu style wasn't beautiful, but efficient.
No, Su Xiang couldn't compare himself to the young Ye Xiu as well. Their starting point and the circumstances were too different. Maybe it was better to not compare them at all! Even when he was considered better than Ye Xiu, Ye Xiu had achieved so many things by now – one of this things was the creation of the Battle God. And Sun Xiang? He still hadn't won a single championship – well he won the Best Rookie Award, but else there was nothing more. He had only inherited One Autumn Leaf and the title of Battle God, he had not created it and earned it. This fact had been pointed out by a fan once in the forums and at first Sun Xiang had been furious, until he realized that the fan was right.
Sun Xiang took a deep breath. Maybe he and Ye Xiu didn't really have a close relationship – or any relationship with each other at all – but it was thanks to Ye Xiu that he was here now. Without Ye Xiu and One Autumn Leaf making him dream about a career as professional gamer – without giving him the ambition to aim for more than just the top – he wouldn't be now one of the Gods of the new generation. To say that he was thankful was a bit of an exaggeration, but he acknowledged the other one's positive influence on him.
"Why?", he asked so gently that he couldn't even hear his own voice – had he even said anything or did he only think he had said it?
His gaze turned away from Ye Xiu towards his sweating hands. How pathetic! So pathetic! This was so totally not him!
"You … You know … Glory is not a single player game."
For the first time, since he sat next to Ye Xiu the other on reacted – slowly Ye Xiu turned his gaze towards Sun Xiang.
Alright, he had to follow up with something! But what? First his voice failed him and now his brain didn't give him a follow up to his previous words. It wasn't like he had no idea what to say. Honestly, he often had practiced this conversation, though never had he thought that the current situation would happen – he had thought he would be able to say this words in a different context.
"Yeah."
Ye Xiu's voice was weak and his response sounded more like a "So what?" than a "Yeah".
"Glory is not a single player game."
Sun Xiang took another deep breath.
"That's what you always said. What you preached. And what you taught not only to your teammates, but also to your opponents – to me, although I never treated you with the respect you deserved, although I looked down upon you. So I thought that teamwork is important to you. But now I feel like this isn't the case at all. I … "
"You're not here to talk about Glory with me?", Ye Xiu interrupted with such a firm voice that it took Sun Xiang a few moments to collect himself again.
He wasn't here to talk about Glory, but he had to start somewhere and the best starting point was Glory, because for him everything started with Glory.
"No, I'm not. I am here to talk about teamwork! I am here because I don't understand … Because I don't understand you."
An awkward silence appeared between them.
"Glory is not a single player game and neither is life."
"Life is not a game", answered Ye Xiu between faint laughter.
Sun Xiang could hear the pain inside it. Ye Xiu was in pain and yet he laughed about Sun Xiang's words.
"True, but life and games share some similarities – some important similarities. For example, in Glory you can decided whether you want to play with others or on your own. It's the same with life. You can decided whether you want to have contact with other people – whether you want to be friends with others or have a family. Of course, you cannot completely isolate yourself form others. In Glory you need to interact with other players, when you want you buy or sell stuff or when you're not skilled enough to solo a dungeon – and higher dungeons always require a group. It's the same with real life – even when you order your food and cloths through an online service, you need to interact with the delivery man. However, in the end it is up to everyone themselves how much contact they want with others."
Expectantly Sun Xiang looked at Ye Xiu, who only responded with silence. However, this silence told Sun Xiang more than a thousand words could ever do. But no matter how embarrassing or stupid this all was, he would see it through and say everything he had in mind – had prepared long ago what to say when there finally was a good opportunity and this opportunity was now.
"In Glory we can learn skills and upgrade them. Isn't it the same with people? When we are born, we can do nothing, but with time we learn to speak and walk and eat on our own. Talking, Walking, Eating those are our skills. The first skills you learn in Glory are stuff like swift run or roll. Not that far away from walking, right? Everyone learns those basic skills and later everyone starts to learn more advanced things and everyone goes their own ways. In-game that means people decide which class they want to play and gain skill points to strength their skills and level up to have access to new ones. In real life we also level up – we call it growing up, getting older. And we learn new skills and we specify ourselves. Some are good at math, while others are good at languages and some others are good at gaming. We all learn the same basic skills while we grow up and finish school, but later we all specify in an area we like or are good at."
Still no reaction from Ye Xiu, but at least he didn't start to laugh again. One had to happy about the small things in life! So Sun Xiang continued with his monologue.
"In a dungeon you have to work together with your teammates or else you will get wiped out. Isn't this what you did back in the tenth server? You were more than strong enough to solo those low level dungeons, but still stuck with those lousy teammates? During fights you took most of the pressure, but you never worked alone, you always incorporated them into your strategies. You and they were a good team, maybe not the strongest, but still good. A team helps each other, takes away the pressure, so that everyone can have fun and no one is hurt. Friends are the same, they are your teammates in real life!"
Sun Xiang knew about Ye Xiu's doings in the tenth server, because he had heard about it from the guild members – eavesdropping on other people's conversation wasn't nice, but it wasn't like he had intended to do so; the guild member were such a tiny bit too loud.
Ye Xiu did seem to be impressed or surprised, as far as Sun Xiang could tell.
"You thought that through, didn't you? However, in life your friends cannot always help you. There will be a lot of situations where you're on your own. So why bother other people with your problems? Isn't it kind of mean to make your friends worry?"
Of course Sun Xiang had thought this through. He had thought about it for quite some time – not just a few hours, weeks or months. Admittedly it all sounded better in his head and was more organized.
"It's not! What good is there to suffer on your own and make your friends worry about you, because they don't know what is wrong? That's just cruel! In a team competition you also would tell your teammates when you need help, so why not also asking for help in real life? Well, maybe they cannot fix your problem, but they can help you find a solution or at least give you some support. Knowing that others are there for you is comforting and reassuring. Wouldn't the world be scary without anyone to rely on?"
"You shouldn't project yourself onto others. Not everyone feels that way. Not everyone sees it that way. Your too naïve!"
"I am not projecting myself onto others. The others agree with me! You should have heard Huang Shaotian's rambling. He was really angry with you for not telling him anything. Weren't you two friends?"
Now Huang Shaotian was silent and this silence was worse than all of his trash talk combined – it said more than any word in the world could express.
"And Su Mucheng! Do you even know, how much you have hurt her? She was crying for days!"
She was still crying, thinking no one would ever know, but everyone knew. Sadly none of them had an idea how to comfort her anymore.
A mix of sadness and guilt appeared on Ye Xiu's face. It was the first time since Sun Xiang first met Ye Xiu that he had seen such emotion on the other one's face. Somehow it was strange and relieving at the same time. Strange, because he was used to that light smirk and the confident attitude of Ye Xiu. Relieving, because it showed that Ye Xiu wasn't so cold hearted as he appeared, that he cared for his friends, although he didn't tell them about his problems and most importantly that he had friends.
"Captain was so angry and sad that he gave us a lecture about teamwork and how we all are not only there for each other on stage but also off stage. I never thought that guy could talk that much … that he knows so many words! Well, he also tried to comfort Su Mucheng, but I think he failed. His words weren't enough for such a task."
A soft laughter escaped Sun Xiang's lips. In retrospect the image of Zhou Zekai trying to comfort someone with words was quite funny.
"Why are you telling me all this?"
Why? Because a certain someone seemed to have forgotten all of this. And truth be told, Sun Xiang had even more to say, he hadn't finished his speech yet.
"So you understand that you are not alone. That keeping everything to yourself hurts your friends. There are people that care about you! You're the one, who always preached that Glory was not a single player game, so why are you trying to go through life alone? You put so much importance on teamwork, but you fail to work in a team in real life! Thanks to your lesson I was able to become good friends with my teammates in Samsara and yet it seems that you are the one, who needs a lesson about teamwork! I don't understand you!"
Sun Xiang really couldn't understand Ye Xiu. Someone, who was so "obsessed" with teamwork in a game, should also be a good team player outside of the game, right? What good was there to keep everything bottled up? Such a thing caused more harm than good – looking at Huang Shaotian and Su Mucheng were proof enough. Even Han Wenqing had looked scarier than usual – knowing his rival prevented him from asking questions, since he wouldn't get an answer anyway, but this didn't mean he didn't worry; it made him worry even more.
Ye Xiu definitely wasn't a popular figure amongst the other pro players, but every single one of them respected him – alright maybe not everyone. The younger generations didn't think much of him until they were smashed by him. The older generation, on the other hand, had all been worried about their comrade, especially those who had a closer relationship with Ye Xiu.
"And you want to teach me that lesson now or what?", Ye Xiu mocked.
"No."
"Then what now? What do you want me to do now? What do you want to do now? I already told you, Glory is Glory and life is life. Maybe games and life do share some similarities, but in the end life is not a game! And there are a lot of things that one has to go through alone – friends and family are not a magical cure that will solve every problem. Is that really so hard to understand?"
"It's not. It is as easy to understand as is sharing your problems with your friends and family."
The silence between them was heavy. Sun Xiang wasn't good with words and he had no clue how to get through to Ye Xiu. Although he still had more explanations, how Glory and life were similar, he knew that saying more would change nothing. His dry throat started to hurt all of a sudden – or maybe it had hurt all the time, but he had simply ignored it. Sun Xiang looked down on his hands – he clenched his first just to open it again. His eyes started to sting.
Seconds passed, which felt like minutes. Minutes passed, which felt like hours. Ye Xiu didn't look at Sun Xiang. For Ye Xiu this conversation was over.
"Next time … "
Sun Xiang finally found the courage to say more, yet his voice failed him again. Sun Xiang finally found the courage to bring this conversation to an end – an end for himself, although he didn't like this end.
"Next time, just tell … "
… just tell me!
"… just tell someone, okay?"
His words were soft and pleading, hoping at least this last sentence would get through that thick head of Ye Xiu.
Without further ado Sun Xiang stood up, his gaze fell upon Ye Xiu. The other one looked so tiered – one could it even say Ye Xiu looked old. Su Xiang also felt tiered. This short conversation had cost him so much energy – and he couldn't relax now either. He had to wait until he was at home, only then he could break down and let all this frustration out, let all his anger and pain take the best of him and let him cry his eyes dry. Why did every interaction with Ye Xiu drive him insane? Why was it always so frustrating? He only wanted to help! Obviously, his help wasn't needed, wasn't wanted.
He was well aware that Glory was a game and that games and life also had some serious differences – in a game you could die as many times as you wanted, without any trouble, but in the real world, death was permanent. However, the point he had tried to make, was simply that one had to work together with others, no matter whether it was in a game or the real world – working with others and bonding with them made life easier. Unfortunately, it seemed that this point didn't get through to Ye Xiu. There was nothing he could do about that, besides hoping that maybe one day his words may reach Ye Xiu. Just like Ye Xiu's word had reached him.
He bade no farewell. His body felt stiff, but he wanted to leave now and so he walked towards the door. This was probably their last meeting. Their only connection had been Professional Glory League, now that Ye Xiu was not a part of the professional alliance anymore, they had no reason to meet again. It was a sad ending, but Ye Xiu didn't care and Sun Xiang cared too much. To Ye Xiu Sun Xiang had never been anything more than an opponent, but to Sun Xiang Ye Xiu had become so much more than that – and he had hoped, still hoped that they could go even further than that. It was kind of unfair and cruel and with no one to blame.
And the world just became a bit crueler. It could have been a clean cut – a clean runaway – yet just before he could reach the door someone blocked his way. Someone with an indifferent face, the same as the one staring at the ceiling in the only bed in the room. By now he knew very well that this indifference was only on the outside – underneath hid all the fears, frustration, sadness, pain and loneliness. Sun Xiang wished he had known it sooner. Even now Ye Xiu may look indifferent about everything, but he surely cared about all those he had hurt and maybe he even regretted his actions – or the lack thereof. At least that was what Sun Xiang deep down wished to be true – it was hard to tell, when Ye Xiu cared and when he truly couldn't care less.
Looking at this indifferent expression, those emotionless eyes, hurt. His heart began to ache. It was a grim reminder of all the thing Sun Xiang had missed, of all the things that could have been changed with someone had been able to look past it. Now that indifference was staring down at him, making him feel as if it was judging him.
With a hurried bow and biting his lips, he run. Sun Xiang's eyes stung more and finally tears fell down, when he stepped outside into the cold winter night. It was ironic that he had first met Ye Xiu on a cold winter night and now they bade farewell on one - both times they parted on not so friendly terms and both times the reason they met was not a happy one.