The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to a party. And here's another party from my mad, deranged little mind.
Charity Begins With Tunt
"Look I know we need the work," Lana said as she inspected herself in the mirror at the Figgis Agency. She was wearing an elegant green dress. "God knows we need the work but don't you think this assignment Cheryl came up with is a little odd?"
"Considering Cheryl herself is extremely odd," Ray chuckled. He was in a tuxedo. Along with Cyril and Krieger who were also in tuxedos. Pam was also there dressed in a stunning orange gown.
"Oh, come on Lana," Pam said. "Going to a charity event to help the homeless isn't exactly the worst thing Cheryl could hire us for."
Cyril groaned. "If we don't start getting more clients we may end up homeless ourselves."
"Yeah about that," Lana said. "Don't you think this whole charity thing is…?"
"Out of character for Cheryl?" Ray asked.
"Exactly," Lana nodded. "Cheryl doesn't give a damn about anything except where her next glue and gummy bear binge is coming from."
"Or her next choke sex orgasm," Krieger added.
Lana went on. "Why is she interested in this event? And why was she insistent that we escort her to it?"
"Who cares?" Cyril said. "We get to go to a party and do some networking for the agency!"
"And free food!" Pam added. "Ooh! Maybe there will be gift bags?"
"I love gift bags!" Ray squealed.
"Me too!" Krieger added.
"Gift bags," Lana blinked. "For a charity gala for the homeless?"
"You'd be surprised," Pam said. "Maybe she's hiring us for security?"
"Remember what happened at that Tinnitus Foundation event?" Cyril added. "You know? The one with the killer clowns?"
"That was different," Lana said. "That asshole Alan Shapiro was orchestrating a double cross the whole time. Unless somebody is planning the exact same thing…"
"In my experience," Ray said. "That happens to us more than I would care to admit."
"How much is Cheryl paying us?" Lana asked.
"Twenty-five grand," Cyril said. "And she paid in advance."
"And she said we could take as many grab bags as we wanted," Pam added. "Plus, free food and a party! I mean this is a great gig!"
"A little too good in my opinion," Lana said. "Cheryl's up to something."
"Well duh!" Ray said. "But as long as we get paid and get free food I'm not complaining."
"You realize that's what you said before the Sea Tunt Mission," Lana pointed out. "Where you got paralyzed for the second time?"
"You just had to remind me of that didn't you?" Ray groaned.
"This is not going to be like the Sea Tunt disaster," Cyril told Lana.
"It will be like some other disasters we've had," Pam added. "But not the Sea Tunt one."
"Are you guys ready to go?" Cheryl asked. She was wearing an elegant red dress and had her hair swept up in a glamorous hairstyle. She had diamond earrings on her ears and red shoes on her feet.
"Yeah did you get the limo?" Cyril asked.
"No need," Cheryl said. "We're taking Krieger's van."
"Why the hell do you want to go to a fancy party in the Misery Machine?" Lana asked.
"They're giving out tons of gift bags," Cheryl said. "Plus, Krieger's van has better traction for getaways."
"This does not bode well," Lana sighed as they left for the van.
Soon they had arrived at a very posh swank mansion in Beverly Hills. It was decorated with elegance and taste with gold and silver everywhere. Filled to the brim with the beautiful people. The wealthy people. And now the people from the Figgis Agency.
"This is a swell party," Cyril said as he drank his scotch. "Shame we don't know anybody here."
"I think that's a plus in our favor," Lana groaned. "Especially after Krieger accidentally swiped that Lexus."
"Yeah but we parked in the back so nobody saw it," Cyril said. "Smart of Krieger not to use the valet. We want to project an air of sophistication and confidence. And Krieger's date rape vehicle screams the opposite."
"I still don't get why Cheryl wanted us here," Lana looked around.
"Who cares? It's a party we're getting paid to attend," Cyril said. "And I'm going to make the most of this situation."
"What do you mean?"
"Look Lana," Cyril said. "The Figgis Agency needs clients other than Flame Princess. The best way to do it is to network. Which is what I'm going to do!"
"Please tell me you don't have any of Pam's pink pamphlets stuck in your coat," Lana groaned.
"Don't be ridiculous," Cyril said. "I made up some business cards." He moved away to try and mingle.
"Again," Lana sighed. "This won't end well."
"Great party huh?" Cheryl asked as she walked over to Lana.
"Not for much longer," Lana groaned.
"What do you mean?" Cheryl blinked.
"Cyril is trying to drum up business for the agency," Lana sighed as she saw Cyril talking to some annoyed people.
"Yeah that's what rich people at a party love," Cheryl snorted. "Some poor down on his luck dick trying to pry them from their money."
"I should stop him before he makes a complete ass of himself," Lana sighed.
"Where's the fun in that?" Cheryl asked.
Lana looked at Cheryl. "I'm more worried about you and the rest of the Legion of Dumb Asses causing chaos."
"Relax," Cheryl waved. "Pam is eating up the buffet. Ray is checking out the gift bags and any guy with a decent ass and Krieger…I don't know where he is. In the bathroom maybe?"
"Oh, that puts my mind at ease," Lana said sarcastically. "Do you know any of these people or…?"
"I know the host Holly Heatherton," Cheryl said. "Her maiden name was Collier back in high school. Or as she was known among the boys, Holly Call Her."
"You were friends?"
"I dated her brother for about a year," Cheryl waved.
"Dated or stalked?" Lana asked.
"Dated!" Cheryl snapped. "Why do people always ask me that question?"
"Because you don't really know the difference," Lana said.
"There was never a restraining order with him," Cheryl told her. "So it was dating!"
There was a clinking of glass. "Attention everyone!" A thin blonde woman in a cream-colored dress spoke in front of the crowd. "I have something to say."
"Big surprise," Cheryl whispered to Lana. "Holly talked more than Oprah, Ellen and Donahue during sweeps week combined."
Holly paused and then had a somber look on her face. "As I look out on all these faces tonight. I am reminded on how fortunate I am. But not everyone is fortunate. Some of us don't have homes. Some of us don't have as much as a blanket to sleep on. But I can do something about it. Tonight, I am going to be the change the world needs me to be!"
"If only she could change into someone with a personality," Cheryl grumbled.
"Tonight, we make a difference," Holly went on. "Tonight, we will take the first steps to achieve our goal. To shelter the homeless…Löwchen dogs."
"What?" Lana did a double take as a picture of a cute dog was shown.
"These pedigreed dogs often go months without a home," Holly said. "Some never even get to see the inside of a showroom!"
"After one of Holly's speeches," Cheryl remarked. "I would rather see the inside of a bathroom!"
"Me too," Lana groaned.
"These dogs desperately need a home," Holly said. "Each puppy needs a minimum 7 thousand dollars for their health and care. With your help we could save dozens of puppies!"
"Or hundreds of people who live on the streets," Lana was stunned.
"Yeah like people are such a priority," Cheryl scoffed.
"I don't believe this," Lana shook her head as Holly kept speaking.
"I know," Cheryl said. "I didn't pay that much for Babou! And as much as I'd wish he'd just run away forever even he's better than a dumb dog!"
"I think Babou wishes he could run away forever too," Lana gave Cheryl a look.
Holly was finishing up her speech. "Thank you all for coming."
"Phrasing!" Krieger was heard in the background.
Holly pretended she didn't hear. "I am so glad you came."
"Phrasing!" Pam called out. "Boom!"
"So please enjoy yourselves," Holly looked confused. "And give money to a good cause!" The crowd lightly clapped.
"They should give money to a real cause!" Lana fumed. "The money they are raising could do more than to help pedigreed dogs that aren't even really endangered anyway! I mean if you want to help animals, help the real endangered ones! Or if you want to help dogs there are tons of them at animal shelters all over the country! You could probably save a dozen dogs for what they're buying for one!"
"Lana," Cheryl said. "You are absolutely right!"
"I am?" Lana blinked.
"Yes!" Cheryl said. "In fact, you should be telling all these people that! Go on! Tell them! Spread the message on how hypocritical this event is!"
"I should do that," Lana said.
"You definitely should," Cheryl said. "Do it! These rich bitches don't know how good they have it! You are the one person here that can set them straight."
"I should do that," Lana said more definitely.
"You totally should!" Cheryl said. "I mean it Lana. Go and speak your mind to everyone! Especially if they don't want to listen! This crowd needs a wakeup call to reality. I can honestly say I can't think of anyone better to do this than you!"
"You're right," Lana said. "It's funny Cheryl I thought you were so completely self-absorbed that you didn't know what was going on in the real world."
"I know more than you think I do," Cheryl admitted. "Now get out there and tell these people what they should really be doing with their money!"
"I will!" Lana said as she went off on her mission.
Cheryl grinned. "And now this party officially has a pooper!"
"Speaking of which," Pam walked over to her. "I just left an upper decker in the master bedroom. Boy all this free fancy rich food really hits you fast and loose."
"No problem," Cheryl waved. "If you have to go again just use another one. Did you and Ray get all the gift bags?"
"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "As many as we could get. They're in the van. And we got some other stuff too."
"Like what?" Cheryl asked.
"There was this crate of champagne in the back just sitting there," Pam said. "I grabbed it and stuffed it in the van."
"That will cut down on our alcohol expenses," Ray said as he walked over with Krieger.
"Goody!" Cheryl giggled. "Krieger did you put the surprise in the garden?"
"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger nodded. "Nobody even noticed me. It's all set up and ready to go."
"I'm amazed Lana and Cyril didn't notice what you had in the van," Ray said.
"I put them in a box," Krieger told him.
"Good," Cheryl grinned. "Phase One of Operation Holly Hunter is complete!"
"Cyril and Lana haven't figured it out yet have they?" Pam asked.
"No, I want it to be a surprise," Cheryl said. "Besides its best that they don't know for now. The plan will go smoother that way."
"Good thinking," Pam said. "By the way I also spiked the punch bowl with one of Krieger's concoctions."
"Which one was it again?" Ray asked.
"My hyper decanted Krieger Valley wine," Krieger told him.
"Good thing the punch bowl was filled with Sangria," Ray snickered.
"Okay now for Phase Two," Cheryl said. "Ray, Krieger you two go steal all the toilet paper from the bathrooms. But save a roll for Pam."
"Already got a roll in my purse," Pam waved as she showed a small pocketbook that looked rather stuffed.
"Good thinking," Ray nodded.
"Pam you work the room," Cheryl grinned.
"Looks like I'm not the only one," Pam noticed something.
"But the Figgis Agency's services aren't just for surveillance and background checking," Cyril was following a couple of annoyed men across the room. "We also do security! And anything else you need!"
"We need you to leave us alone!" One man grumbled.
"Oh yeah," Cheryl giggled. "This is definitely working."
About twenty minutes later the party was still going. How it was going was a different story…
"What do you mean nobody can find the gift bags?" Holly hissed at her party planner. "You don't just misplace 245 gift bags! I even got an extra ten for extra people! What happened to them?"
"We don't know," A nervous looking female party planner gulped. "We're looking for them. We can't find them. Or the toilet paper…"
"The what now?" Holly asked.
"Your bathrooms are all out of toilet paper," The party planner said. "Where are they?"
"How should I know?" Holly snapped. "My maids are the one that do the restocking!"
"You want us to look in the closets?"
"No, Janice," Holly snapped. "I want you to do a toilet paper dance! OF COURSE, I WANT YOU TO LOOK IN THE CLOSETS!"
"I was only asking because it's company policy!" Janice told her. "We don't want to be wrongly accused of…"
"Okay, okay, okay…" Holly took a breath. "Sorry. Sorry. I know you have to cover your ass. Pun not intended. Just find the toilet paper for the bathrooms."
"Well the good news is we only have to find them for two of them," Janice sighed. "The master bathroom upstairs is out of commission."
"The one in my bedroom?" Holly snapped. "What do you mean by out of commission?"
"Apparently one of your guests made it overflow," Janice said. "And there's this smell…"
"A smell?" Holly snapped. "In my bathroom?"
"I would not go in there if I were you," Janice said. "We called a plumber on our emergency hotline…And we are officially out of pigs in a blanket."
"Okay, fine! Fine!" Holly sighed. "A lot of my guests don't eat anyway. And I've been meaning to get that toilet upstairs checked so…Fine!"
"And we're out of mini quiches and mini sausage puffs," Janice looked at the list. "And champagne…"
"What?" Holly did a double take. "I thought I ordered a whole case!"
"It's missing," Janice gulped. "We're looking for it! But the good news is the Sangria Punch is going over well so…"
"Just find the damn champagne and the gift bags! In that order!" Holly snapped. "Anything else?"
"Well," Janice looked at her notes. "Somebody damaged Bentley Belamont's Lexus and he's not very happy about that. Two guests have gotten quite tipsy already and thrown up on your rosebushes out front…"
"Which two?" Holly grumbled.
"Mrs. McClusky and Mrs. Finery," Janice explained.
"Those two freeloading drunks?" Holly fumed. "I only invited them because they're in the same country club as I am! I should have known better!"
"Mr. Binkwhistle left early," Janice said. "Apparently while he was standing outside smoking he was hit on the head with a Royal Doulton teapot."
"One of my Royal Doulton's?" Holly snapped. "How did that happen?"
FLASHBACK!
A man was standing outside smoking his pipe when suddenly a teapot crashed on his head. "I say…" He blinked before he fell.
Above him Cheryl Tunt giggled from an open window.
FLASHFORWARD!
"We've also been finding broken china all over the place," Janice admitted. "Mostly outside. It's like someone is deliberately throwing them and breaking them."
"Fine it doesn't matter. They're insured anyway," Holly sighed. "And I've been meaning to replace them. Did Binky donate any money before he left?"
"Before Mrs. Binkwhistle took him to the hospital to see if he had a concussion?" Janice asked. "No."
"Damn it!" Holly grumbled. "I'll have to get him later."
"WHEEE! HA HA HA!"
"Oh great," Holly groaned. "Mrs. Pruitt has taken off her clothes! And since she's 85 going on a hundred…"
"Funny," Janice blinked. "I've worked for her before. She's never been drunk before. She doesn't even like alcohol."
"Must have drank some of the punch by accident," Holly groaned. "I'll deal with this! Mrs. Pruitt! Please put your clothes back on!" She went to stop her guest.
Janice got a message from one of her workers in her earpiece. "What? How can we be out of shrimp puffs already?" She went to check on the kitchen.
Not noticing Pam walk by with Ray. She was holding a tray of rapidly diminishing shrimp puffs. "Let me have some more!" Ray grabbed one with his bionic hand.
"These are good!" Pam protested.
"I know," Ray said. "You ate three whole trays of them already! And almost all the pigs in a blanket and the mini quiches!"
"Good point," Pam let Ray have the last two. "I want to try the dessert bar next." She went off letting Ray hold the tray.
Ray put the tray down on a table and walked over to Lana. "How's it going?" Ray asked.
"Pretty good. I convinced three people to not donate to this cause and to donate to better ones," Lana told him. "Like the Red Cross or an actual animal shelter."
"How did you do that?" Ray asked. "Threaten them?"
"No," Lana admitted. "I told them they could get a better tax cut if they did."
"Smart," Ray said.
"Well you don't date Cyril Figgis on and off for a few years without learning some accounting tips," Lana admitted. "I hate to say it, but he knows his loopholes. Even got me a refund a coupe of times."
"Considering his entire career is filled with loopholes it's not that surprising," Ray chuckled.
"WHOO HAA HAA HAA!"
"MRS. PRUITT PUT YOUR BRA BACK ON!" Holly screamed.
"By the way Lana," Ray said. "Don't touch the Sangria punch over there. It's not very good."
"You are an expert," Lana said. "Hey are there any appetizers left or did Pam eat them all?"
"There's some left," Ray said. "If I were you I'd go get some while Pam is distracted by the desserts."
"Good idea," Lana said as she moved along. "Coming?"
"Phrasing," Ray smirked. "No, I think I'll mingle a little more. See what Krieger's doing. Or whom he's doing? Or in his case, what…"
"I get it," Lana groaned as she moved off towards what was left of the appetizers.
"I don't get it," Cyril groaned as he walked over to Ray holding some punch. "I can't get anywhere with these people."
"Pretend it's dating," Ray said. "Oh wait."
"Ha, ha," Cyril said as he sipped some punch. "Boy this Sangria Punch is really good."
"Uh Cyril I uh…" Ray paused.
"What?"
"Why don't you try those good-looking women over there?" Ray pointed.
"You think it will work?" Cyril asked.
"Take another drink of punch," Ray said. Cyril downed the whole glass. "Oh yeah that will do it. Go for it."
"Thanks Ray!" Cyril grinned. "I feel more confident already! But maybe you should come with me?"
"Noooope," Ray said. "You already have what you need inside you."
"Thank you Ray," Cyril got a little emotional. "You're beautiful man!" He went off towards the women.
"I know I shouldn't have done that," Ray said. "But I did it. Who knows? Maybe one of those women drank the punch too?"
"Pardon me," A well-dressed older gentleman walked up to Ray with an older woman in tow. "Do you know that man?" He pointed to Cyril.
"Never saw him before in my life," Ray said sincerely. "Why?"
"Well he's quite an annoying fellow," The older man said.
"Kept badgering my Reginald for some business at some grubby detective agency," The older woman said.
"Oh, we don't want to associate with those kinds of people!" Ray said in mock horror. "Thank you for warning me!"
"What I don't understand is why security doesn't do anything about it?" The woman said.
"Well…" Ray paused.
Meanwhile outside the house…
"Oh man…" A security officer in a tux hiccupped as he drank some Krieger Valley wine. "It was so nice of those people to give us some drinks. Wasn't it nice of those people to give us some drinks?"
"Some lady gave me a breath strip," Another security officer laughed. "And now I can hear colors! It's like listening to a rainbow!"
"Hey…" Another security guard said. "Hey! There's a pool over there! I wanna go for a swim! Anybody wanna go for a swim?"
"Why not?" The first security guard giggled as he started to take off his clothes.
Back to the party…
"Probably not considered a real threat," Ray added. "And I see their point."
"Well I don't want to be anywhere near that sort of person," Reginald shuddered.
"Good point," Ray said. "You should go. Right now. Before he corners you again!"
"I think he's right Reginald," The woman said. "It's probably for the best we leave."
"WE'RE GOING SWIMMING! WHOOOOO!"
SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH!
"PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON AND GET OUT OF MY POOL!" Holly was heard screaming.
"WHEEEEE!"
SPLASH!
"YOU TOO MRS. PRUITT!" Holly shouted.
"Oh dear," The woman said. "I didn't know it was going to be that kind of party. Come on Reginald we're leaving."
"Hang on," Reginald said. "I didn't give Holly any money." He took out some bills. "I forgot my checkbook. I wonder if five hundred dollars will be sufficient?"
"I'm sure it will be fine," Ray said smoothly. "I'll give it to her. Holly is good friends with my date. They've known each other since high school."
"Oh well then that's wonderful," Reginald gave Ray the money. "Give Holly my regards, shall you?"
"I'm sure she'll get them," Ray smiled.
"Good man, good man!" Reginald and his wife left.
Ray looked at the money in his hand. "Five hundred dollars, free food and champagne."
SPLASH!
"WHOOO HOO!"
"THIS IS THE LAST TIME I HIRE YOUR COMPANY!" Holly screamed.
"And seeing some fine naked security officers swimming in a pool," Ray grinned as he pocketed the money. "I've had worse nights."
Ray moved among the crowd past increasingly tipsy guests to go into another room. It was revealed to be a dining room. Cheryl and Krieger were throwing plates out the window. "How goes it?"
"Not bad," Krieger shrugged as he threw a plate. "I've had worse nights."
"What's going on?" Cheryl asked. "What's all that noise on the other side of the house?"
"The security team is enjoying the gifts we gave them," Ray said. "As well as Mrs. Heatherton's swimming pool. Sans bathing suits if you get my drift."
"This I have to see!" Cheryl giggled as she ran out to watch.
"What's going on here?" Ray indicated the plates.
"Plate throwing contest," Krieger said as he casually threw one out. "Yes! New record!"
Ray calmly picked a plate up with his cyborg hand and threw it. After a minute a crash was heard as well as a car alarm.
"Aw man," Krieger said as he looked out the window.
"Come on," Ray said. "Let's see if we can get some dessert before Pam eats it all."
"This party is fun," Krieger grinned.
Meanwhile…
"This party is a disaster," Holly groaned. "My security team is useless! The champagne is missing! And so are the gift bags! Hence the useless security team. My food is being eaten by that large woman over there."
"HEY! Where do you think you're going with those mini eclairs!" Pam shouted. "Get back here!"
"I haven't even had time to enjoy my own party," Holly groaned. "But it will all be worth it to help those dogs! How much money have we raised Janice?"
"Uh not much yet," Janice coughed diplomatically.
"And by not much you mean…?" Holly asked.
"None at all," Janice said. "Some of the guests have already left I'm afraid."
"Left? Why?" Holly gasped.
"Besides the ones that had gotten too drunk to stand?" Janice asked. "And taken home by their spouses? As well as Mr. Binkwhistle who had to go to the hospital?"
"Yes," Holly was clearly annoyed.
"From what I gathered it's three things," Janice said. "One the actions of some of the guests."
"You skank!" A woman was heard shouting drunkenly. "Stay away from my husband!"
"He was my husband before he was yours!" Another woman shouted. Sounds of fighting was heard.
"You mean the fights and the random nudity?" Holly groaned.
"That too," Janice said. "But apparently one of your guests is pestering them for some kind of business deal."
"How gauche can you get?" Holly groaned. "Where is he?"
"Over there talking to Mrs. Wallbanger," Janice pointed to an attractive forty something woman talking to Cyril. Both were laughing and having a good time.
"She should have been named Mrs. Bang Anyone She Can Get," Holly groaned. "I take it her husband is out of town again?"
"You surmise correctly," Janice said. "The good news is I think she's keeping that particular guest occupied."
"Knowing her she'll probably keep him occupied all night!" Holly groaned. "What else?"
"Second is the lack of appetizers and champagne," Janice explained. "And third, apparently someone is going around convincing people they should contribute to a better charity. I think it's the better tax break argument that's swaying them."
"WHAT?" Holly shouted.
"YOU SLUT! YOU SKANK!" Two women wearing fancy dresses were screaming at each other. Then shoving each other.
"Ugh, another fight!" Janice groaned. "Fred, I need you to break up another one!"
"I just got Mrs. Pruitt off a security guard!" Fred was heard saying over her headphone.
"Well there's another fight now in the living room!" Janice snapped. "It looks like Mrs. Glassberg and Mrs. Pappas are at it."
"We're not supposed to handle security!" Fred snapped.
"I know Fred," Janice sighed.
"We'd better be paid extra," Fred groaned.
"I don't understand," Holly remarked as she watched the two women fight. "Mrs. Pruitt I get getting drunk. The last time she had a cocktail was when General Grant surrendered. And some of these women are lightweights. But Kathy and Dedra? I've seen those women knock back more shots than a frat house. Something is not right here."
Holly then noticed more people were getting drunk and drinking from the Sangria Punch. One person had a drink and passed out. "I think someone spiked my punch."
"That does seem to be a strong possibility," Janice blinked.
"Good news," A female server approached them. "We found the toilet paper."
"Where?" Janice asked.
"On the front lawn," The female server said.
"WHAT?" Holly shouted. She and Janice went to see the front yard. Every tree and shrub and a few cars were covered in toilet paper.
"This is going to take a while to clean up," Janice winced.
"Who puts toilet paper on a lawn?" Holly snapped. "It's so…High school…"
"Ma'am?" Janice asked.
"Hang on," Holly realized something. "The front lawn TP'd. Excessively strong spiked punch. Random fights and drunkenness breaking out. Even security is intoxicated. Furniture and items being broken at random…The bathroom overflowing is new. And so is all the food disappearing but…I've seen this before. I know I have. All that's missing is…"
"Holly! Holly! We are out of here!" A red-haired woman and her husband walked up to her.
"What's wrong Candice?" Holly asked.
"This party is insane!" Candice snapped. "There's barely any food! Everyone is getting drunk…Fights are breaking out. Mrs. Pruitt is out of control! Actually, that part is kind of funny. Never did like that old bat."
"I really need to use the bathroom," Candice's husband groaned. "Honey could we wrap this up?"
"Some jerk just vomited on my shoes!" Candice snapped. "My new Louboutin shoes!"
"Candice I really can't wait much longer!" Candice's husband wailed.
"Why didn't you just go in the bushes like some of those other people?" Candice snapped.
"What?" Holly shouted.
"It's more of a Number Two situation," Candice's husband groaned. "Honey please!"
"Fine!" Candice groaned.
"I know we only live down the block but I don't think I can make it!" Candice's husband moaned.
"What's this about going in my bushes?" Holly asked.
"I'm sorry Holly but we can't contribute to this madness," Candice said as they left.
"Yeah we're going to do what that black lady said and give our money to a better charity!" Candice's husband moaned. "God! I'm starting to prairie dog it!"
"Wait, what black lady?" Holly asked.
"The one that came in with the red-haired woman," Candice said. "She said she was a friend of yours. Carol…? No…"
"HONEY!" Candice's husband wailed. "I can't go into the car! I'm running for it!" He ran as fast as he could.
"Well at least leave me the keys to the car!" Candice shouted. She ducked. "Don't throw them at me!"
"NO TIME! GOTTA GO!" The man screamed as he ran.
"I really should have his prostate checked," Candice sighed.
"Candice," Holly said. "What red haired woman? What was her name?"
"I don't…" Candice paused. "Wait. Cheryl. That's right. Cheryl…"
"Tunt?" Holly growled.
"That's it," Candice said. "Well this was an interesting party. I'll send you a bill for my shoes Holly…" Candice went to her car.
"Oh God," Holly realized something. "This is my Junior Prom all over again! I knew it! I KNEW IT! TUNT!" She stormed out to find Cheryl.
"WHO THE HELL THREW A DISH THROUGH MY CAR'S WINDOW?" Candice shouted.
"Ma'am?" Janice followed Holly. "What's going on?"
"My party is being sabotaged by the devil! That's what's going on!" Holly snapped. "You get rid of the punch! I'll handle this!"
She walked through the increasingly tipsy crowd. A man threw up on her. "Oh, dear God!" Holly screamed. "I swear to God…"
Meanwhile…In the study…
"I am going to wring your neck," Lana warned. "In a way that even you wouldn't like!"
"I highly doubt it," Cheryl said as she held a lighter.
"You are not burning Holly Heatherton's furniture!" Lana snapped.
"Why not?" Cheryl asked. "You let me do all the other stuff!"
"Wait what?" Lana did a double take. "What did you do?"
"Nothing," Cheryl teased.
"Give me the lighter!" Lana snapped as she started to follow Cheryl around. "Give me the lighter!"
"No! No! No!" Cheryl giggled as she ran around the room. Lana tackled her and threw her to the floor.
Just as Holly walked into the study. "Oh, for the love of Christ!"
"Give it to me!" Lana was on top of Cheryl, straddling her.
"No!" Cheryl laughed.
"GIVE IT TO ME!" Lana snapped.
"No!" Cheryl shouted.
"Oh God," Holly groaned in disgust. "You're still into that Cheryl?"
"If you mean burning things," Lana took away the lighter and got up. "Then yes."
"This is Junior Prom all over again," Holly groaned. "Except that my brother's arm isn't going to end up in a cast!"
"Well the night is still young," Cheryl giggled as she sat on the floor. "Where does your brother live now?"
"Don't even think about it!" Holly snapped. "After all that money my family paid to get him away from you! Do you have any idea how expensive hospitals are overseas?"
"I barely even touched his arm," Cheryl waved. "He broke it when he got into that fight."
"That you started!" Holly snapped. "You stalked my poor brother until he agreed to go out with you! And he only had sex with you because you opened your legs and he's an idiot!"
"Called it!" Lana said.
"And when he finally had the balls to break up with you," Holly snarled. "You burned down our gazebo!"
"What is it with you and setting gazebos on fire?" Lana asked Cheryl.
"The only reason you didn't go to jail was that your family paid my family off!" Holly snapped.
"From what I hear that's pretty much how your family made their fortune," Cheryl quipped. "How many times were you engaged before you finally found a rich dick?"
"Only twice!" Holly snapped. "My first fiancé died in a freak skiing accident and it turns out I was in his will! And the second one ran out on me so I got compensation! But that's not the issue here! The issue here is you showing up to ruin everything like you always do!"
"Please!" Cheryl waved. "Your party was a snore fest before I spiked the punch!"
"You spiked the punch?" Lana asked. "That explains why that woman was making out with Cyril in the hallway."
"You ruined my party!" Holly screamed at Cheryl.
"I did you a favor!" Cheryl snapped. "At least now people will talk about your party instead of forgetting about it! When Cheryl Tunt wrecks a party, people talk about it!"
"Yes!" Holly snapped. "Mostly lawyers and psychiatrists!"
Lana looked at Cheryl. "This is why you hired us isn't it?"
"Duh!" Cheryl laughed. "God, I hate Holly Heatherton! She was always such a stuck-up bitch in high school!"
"And you decided to crash her party uninvited," Lana guessed.
"No, that's the best part!" Cheryl grinned. "Someone on her staff actually invited me! Must have been a mistake."
Holly glared at Cheryl as she stormed in. "No, the mistake I made was listening to both my advisors and that jerk on your board of directors. Mr. Lee, I believe. He swore you changed! That you grew up! Which was obviously a lie!"
"Yeah it was," Cheryl laughed. "Okay Lana you can beat her up now."
"I am not beating up this woman," Lana said.
"You have a point," Cheryl said. "Why should she get all the fun? Trash her house then!"
"I'm not going to do that!" Lana snapped. "I'm not going to just trash some poor woman's house because you have a grudge!"
"Listen to your transsexual freak!" Holly said to Cheryl.
"First of all, I'm a woman," Lana looked at Holly.
"I'm sure you consider yourself one," Holly said.
"I had a baby!" Lana snapped.
"A human one…?" Holly blinked.
"YES!" Lana snapped. Cheryl was laughing like crazy. "Shut up, Cheryl!"
"I am going to sue you for everything, you crazy bitch!" Holly shouted.
"Try it!" Cheryl shouted. "Last person who tried to sue a Tunt got the wrong end of a cannon!"
"Enough!" Lana snapped. "Calm down! Let's talk about this like grown adults. Or two adults and one drunk toddler."
"Cheryl tell your servant to be quiet and let her social betters handle this!" Holly snapped.
"First of all," Lana glared at Holly. "I'm not her servant. And what do you mean by social betters?"
"What do you think I mean?" Holly groaned.
"You tell me," Lana's voice had an edge to it. "Do you mean because I'm black or because I'm not super-rich."
"Pick one," Holly looked at her. "Of course, we both know if you're one you're automatically the other."
Cheryl looked at Lana. "How about now? Can you beat her up now?"
"Yeah that works for me," Lana said as she moved on Holly.
"Wait, wait…" Holly moved backwards as Lana advanced on her.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"What the hell?" Lana looked around and saw a colorful burst out the window. "You organized a fireworks show?"
"No, I didn't!" Holly protested.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"I didn't order fireworks!" Holly shouted.
"I did!" Cheryl giggled.
"I wondered what that box was in the van," Lana groaned.
"AND YOU DIDN'T ASK?" Holly shouted.
"You don't know Krieger," Lana sighed. "It's usually best to not ask if you can help it."
"It really is," Cheryl nodded.
BOOOOOOOOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM!
"MY GARDEN!" Holly screamed. "MY PRIZE-WINNING BEGONIAS! THEY'RE ON FIRE!"
"They're now A-Gone-A!" Cheryl laughed. "Get it?"
BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"THERE GOES MY GAZEBO!" Holly screamed.
"EEEEEE!" Cheryl jumped up and down.
"Again," Lana asked Cheryl. "What exactly do you have against gazebos?"
BOOOOM! BOOOOOOOM!
"MY TREES!" Holly screamed. "MY GARDEN! MY…SWIMMING POOL! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET MY SWIMMING POOL ON FIRE?"
"Krieger's got some special fluid," Cheryl waved. "Hey, its not like the security guards or Mrs. Pruitt is still in there!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOMM!
"OH MY GOD!" Holly screamed as her backyard caught on fire.
"And now it's time for us to go!" Lana grabbed Cheryl.
"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS CHERYL TUNT!" Holly wailed as they fled the room.
"Get in line with the rest of us!" Lana groaned as she dragged Cheryl along.
"Aw come on!" Cheryl cheered. "I wanna see if the place burns to the ground!"
"GET MOVING!" Lana snapped. "RAY! PAM! KRIEGER! CYRIL!"
"Yeah we hear you!" Pam said as she ran with Ray and Krieger.
"The best part of being a good guest is knowing when to go," Krieger agreed.
"Especially since I overflowed another toilet," Pam nodded.
"Just get to the van!" Ray groaned. "Go! Go! Go! Go!"
The scene was pandemonium in the driveway. Half the guests were panicking and trying to escape. The other half was so drunk out of their gourds they just stood around watching and laughing. Or in some cases vomiting like crazy. Others were just passed out everywhere.
"Let's get out of here before the cops arrive!" Ray snapped as they got in the van. The sounds of sirens could be heard in the distance.
"No arguments there! GO!" Lana snapped as Krieger took off like a bat out of hell.
As he drove off he sideswiped another car and knocked out Holly's mailbox. "WHEEE!" Cheryl giggled.
"Oh, shut up!" Lana snapped.
The following morning at the Figgis Agency…
"Oh, stop worrying Lana," Cheryl remarked as she sniffed some glue in the conference room. "Holly knows to keep her big mouth shut. At worst my company will just pay her off."
"Wonderful," Lana sighed as she looked at all the gift bags on the conference room table.
"Still a fun night out," Ray shrugged. "And the agency got paid!"
"Basically, we were hired to destroy a party hosted by a self-righteous snob," Lana sighed. "That should disturb me more but honestly…"
"I know! Boy did we score!" Pam looked at the gift bags. "A Gucci wallet! Some face cream! Lip balm! Swarovski crystal earrings. Some luxury greeting cards! This will save me a trip to the card store! Ooh! A gift certificate to Nordstrom's!"
"Man, the Homeless Charity gig is a good racket," Krieger whistled.
"Homeless dogs Krieger," Lana pointed out. She took one of the bags and looked in it. "The earrings are nice."
"Take a bag or two," Ray said. "You earned it."
"I do need a new wallet for my purse," Lana admitted as she looked in the bag. "And that gift certificate to Nordstrom's will come in handy."
"I saved some of the toilet paper for the office," Ray admitted.
"It's that nice four ply," Pam nodded. "Good thinking Ray. That will cut costs in the office."
"Speaking of cost cutting where's Cyril?" Krieger realized something.
"I haven't seen him since…" Pam looked around. "I know I saw him at the party. After that…"
"Did we leave him behind?" Lana realized.
"Uh oh…" Ray blinked.
Meanwhile back at Holly's house…
"I tell you Harold darling, it's a miracle she didn't burn the house down!" Holly groaned into the phone. The mess from the previous night's party was evident in the living room. "My party was a disaster! And worse, I didn't make a single dime!"
Holly listened. "Call the police? Are you out of your mind? Half the country is practically in the Tunt Corporation's pocket. And the last person who tried to sue them got their head blown off! By a cannon!"
Holly paused as she went upstairs. "Harold trust me, it's just easier to call up Mr. Lee, complain and get paid off. It's the only way we'll get any money out of this debacle. I lost two toilets, a mailbox, my good china and my garden. I don't want to see what else I can lose."
"God, I thought I was rid of that horrible woman when I moved from New York! Now I have to move again! I don't know where. Don't we have a place in Florida? Well let's look into getting one! It's worth it to not be in the same state as Cheryl Tunt!"
"Fine. Good. I'll see you tomorrow Darling. I have to make a lot of calls today. And hire some cleaners. And someone to fix the pool. I don't know how she set it on fire! How does Cheryl Tunt do anything?"
She hung up the phone and started going down the hallway. She heard a noise coming from one of the spare bedrooms. She opened the door. "Oh, what fresh hell is this?"
"Hello," Cyril gulped. He was wearing half of his clothes. Fortunately, he was also wearing his underwear because he had no pants on. Mrs. Wallbanger was lying naked underneath the sheets of the bed. Clearly pleased with herself.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" Holly shouted.
"Afterglow," Mrs. Wallbanger snickered.
"Have you seen my pants?" Cyril asked innocently.
"What?" Holly's eye began to twitch.
"I found my wallet and my phone," Cyril said. "But I can't find my pants."
"Get…out," Holly gritted her teeth.
"Just as soon as I find my pants," Cyril said as he looked around. "It's weird because I have my shoes and socks on. And my underwear. But I don't have my pants…"
"GET OUT!" Holly shouted.
"A little loud, aren't you?" Mrs. Wallbanger groaned.
"GET OUT!" Holly shouted as she grabbed Cyril by the ear and dragged him away.
"OW! OW! OW!" Cyril whined. "I had a good time! Ow! Nice party! OW! Wait do I smell smoke? Was there a fire here?"
"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" Holly shouted as she threw him out of the house.
Cyril did a double take. "Do you know you have toilet paper all over your lawn?"
"Get out!" Holly shouted. "I have to go throw out my drunken whore of a neighbor next!"
"I WASN'T DRUNK!" Mrs. Wallbanger shouted from inside the house. "I ONLY DRANK A LITTLE WINE!"
"OH SO YOU'RE JUST A WHORE?" Holly shouted. "GOOD TO KNOW!"
"Uh if you find my pants," Cyril coughed. "Or need any services for security…"
"GET OUT!" Holly screamed as she slammed the door in his face. Sounds of screaming were heard from inside the house.
Cyril paused for a moment and decided it would be better if he calmly walked away with dignity. Well as much dignity as he could muster without pants.
"Well Figgis," Cyril groaned. "You're alone out on the streets because your friends abandoned you. You had sex with some strange woman after getting drunk. You can't remember half the night. And you have no pants."
"Eh," Cyril shrugged. "I've had worse nights."