Being Alone

Lady Adrienne Wolfe Gentry


I hate being alone, but that's what I am.

Alone, alone, alone. Always, there isn't anyone here when I need them. He is gone and he is not going to come back. I want him back though; I want that feeling of safety back when he held me. The only time I ever felt safe, the only time this crazy world of mine made any sense. The only time I wasn't alone somehow.

I never expected to fall for Sean Cameron. He just wasn't even on my radar until that day in detention. I was shocked with how easily he got my deepest secrets out of me, when even Marco, who knew me best, had to pry with the jaws of life to get me to tell him what Mom and I had for dinner the night before. Equally shocking was how easily he admitted the theft to me or that he wasn't freaked by me. Everyone else was, but not him. When he took my hand in his, I felt something, a little spark. It quickly grew to what it is now, a smoldering fire that refuses to go out even with knowing he isn't coming back.

It all happened so fast, like the fire the night of the dance. Both of us normally aren't dance-types, but it was fun to go for once. Poor Marco had all his hard planning go up in smoke, literally, though. And the sight of Paige and Hazel being dropped off by a police car is a sight I'll never forget. I danced with him that night, feeling on top of the world. He had managed not to leave, got his life on track, and was even going to help Mr. Simpson. Plus the fact he had his own apartment, which offered an escape from the hell my house had turned into. Dad still didn't know about Mom's drinking and I wasn't about to tell him. The slightest distraction could be fatal over there.

Sean's place was where I pretty much lived during the summer. I would go over there every day, even if it was just to have lunch and sit close on the couch watching bad TV. I lived for being close to him; it made everything easier to deal with. Even just breathing was so much easier close to him and his heavenly scent. We talked a lot during those lazy summer days about what we wanted to do. He even sort of asked me to marry him, we informally planned it all. He wasn't particularly religious and I had beliefs leaning towards neo-Paganism, so we were going to have a small Celtic ceremony, just the person to read the vows and a close friend to tie the ribbons of our hand-fasting. It was a nice tribute to his Scottish heritage and my Welsh on my mother's side. We also agreed on medieval clothing, since I have always loved it and he got to wear a sword. Deep purple for me, since white never looked good on me. My dress looked so beautiful in my head, just like he looked in the dream too. All black was so very nice on him.

It never really got much farther than that and the fact we both wanted it to be outdoors. School started again and we were still always together if we could be. Stuff got bad at home and after a nasty incident at Parent's Night, burning down the kitchen, and an ugly scene when she found out I hadn't been staying at Ash's like I said while they were cleaning the house up but at Sean's, I told mom what had been happening with my cutting, something I hadn't done since I promised Sean not to. We traded promises, I wouldn't cut and he wouldn't leave me. I was determined to keep that promise; I loved him and desperately needed him to love me to. After telling Mom, I packed and moved into my safe haven with guy I loved. Things stayed good and sweet for another month. Then the unthinkable happened.

Rick Murray, who had put Marco and Ash's friend Terri in a coma for a while, was back at Degrassi. To say people were upset about that was an understatement. Rick was treated horribly, something I'll never forgive myself for not trying to stop. It isn't right to just stand by like that. Things started to look like they were getting better as the Whack-Your-Brain contest was coming up, he was brilliant. Unfortunately, some people just can't let it go. I know what Rick did to Terri was awful, but maybe he really wanted to change and be better. Spinner always had a soft spot for Terri, but him and Jay were down right wrong to dump paint and feathers on him. After the other stuff everyone had done, I guess it was just too much. He went home and brought a gun to school. I still remember how Suave came and got Hazel to take her to the hospital where Jimmy was, then came back for me and let me go with Sean. We disconnected the phone and didn't turn on the TV or leave the apartment until we had to go back to school. We didn't talk either, just laid beside each other in his bed and held on to each other for dear life.

The day we came back he didn't want to, but did because I asked. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't asked. He hated talking about he was feeling in front of others, but I thought it would have been good for him. I didn't know he would flip out and drag Jay, Emma, and I to Wasaga. I wish she hadn't come, there was lots of unresolved mess between them and I knew it was a bad sign. He stayed there after an insane Jet Ski ride and us meeting the kid Tyler he got into a fight with before coming to Degrassi. The ride back home was the most awkward thing ever.

I struggle with cutting every single day. The way the side of me that wants me to give in sees it, he left me and broke his promise, so I should be allowed to break mine. I don't really want to, but the temptation is always there. All I can do is cry into the pillows. They still smell like him. I wish he will come back to me, but he isn't about to. I'm always crying when I'm alone it seems, for everyone affected, but mostly for me and the fact I won't have any of the life I dreamed of. I know Jimmy has less than I do, but I still just want to feel a little selfish every now and then. I try to put on a nice little act when at school and I think I'm doing a good job. I don't think anyone knows Sean's the only one I'll ever love, like I know he is.

I'm just a little bitter and angry now that it sinks in more. I don't know if I'll ever see him again, likely not. I don't trust myself to not ask the questions that I want to. I want to, but am afraid to. I think the answers might hurt me if I did ask.

I'd ask if he knew how much it hurt. I'd ask if he knew how many times I've wanted to cut again. I'd ask if he remembered his promise. I'd ask if he even cared. I'd ask if he knew how many tears I cried. I'd ask why he left. I'd ask if he knew how close I've come to just ending everything.

I don't think I want to know those answers. I can come up with the answers inside my own head well enough.

Alone in my own head. I really hate being alone.

A/N: Just some thoughts of Ellie's after Sean leaves. I'm a little depressed because I was supposed to be getting married today and now my ex-fiancé is engaged to someone else and not even speaking to me. It hurts pretty badly. I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own it.