The Girl He Chose

Every so often we long to steal,
to the land of what might have been,
but that doesn't soften the ache we feel
when reality sets back in
Blythe smile, lithe limb
she who's winsome,
she wins him,
gold hair with a gentle curl,
that's the girl he chose
and heaven knows,
I'm not that girl
don't wish, don't start
wishing only wounds the heart,
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl,
there's a girl I know,
he loves her so,
I'm not that girl.

As she ran into the night she could feel their eyes boring into her.
Their unvoiced pleas.

She had suffered at her twin's hands, but she wasn't supposed to blame her.
No, Jessica was sick.
She wasn't in control.
She had to suck it up and forget all she had seen.
All she had heard.

Only she couldn't.
She wouldn't.

She had made a promise to herself that if she got out of that room she wouldn't be put in this position.
That she would make them see the truth.
But she had failed.
Even Jared had sided with her family against her.

He had suffered in that room with her because he was a damned fool.
He had gotten them locked in. . . Well, she couldn't entirely blame him, she had after all hurt her ankle, but John sure as hell wouldn't have come to get her out without letting someone besides Tina know what was going on. . .

Not that John wasn't on her list too.

He hadn't believed Jared when he told him she was in trouble.
Had been too busy alternately screwing Blair and searching for his new true love, Marty. A part of her couldn't help but hope that Todd had enough of a head start to disappear with the insipid twit and start a new life with her, although she knew that John wouldn't give up on trying to find them. That would be his new demon she was sure, and if it kept the man out of her life she was well rid of him.

Crossing back over the land separating the house from the main road, she made a sudden detour. One place on her mind.

Suddenly, she felt herself running.

She ignored the concerned calls as she had for the last hour, only to run into her father's chest.

Exhaling sharply at the impact, she looked up into his eyes and fought the urge to roll her own as she pulled away from him and blew the hair out of her eyes. "Of all the selfish, unthinking things. . . do you have any idea how worried we've been, Natalie? Of the time we spent looking for you. And don't try to deny hearing us calling. Even you couldn't be that deaf!" he ranted.

Glaring at the man Natalie shook her head: "surprised you noticed I was gone. Wasn't like you did during the months your daughter had me locked in the basement. Oh, wait, you did, only you bought every single one of the lies that spilled from Tess's mouth because you were so ready to believe the worse in me that you couldn't even see that you weren't talking to Jess. Not even when Tina was trying to hit you over the head with a sledgehammer of a clue!" she shot back angrily as she pivoted and went to move around him.

Angry, Clint shot out a hand and grabbed his daughter: "you don't know. . ."

"She made me watch everything Clint. I'm sure Bo's finding the cameras now, if he hasn't already. But that and all the tapes and her threatening Tina with impending death and threatening to harm Sarah and make it look like Carlo Hesser did it doesn't matter does it?" she demanded as she pulled away. "I'm supposed to smile and say its ok and make nice. Let you or Mom take Bre in and go on with my life as if none of this ever happened."

"She's sick, Natalie," Clint sighed in exasperation.

"She also tried to kill me two times, one of which almost killed MOM! I mean, I know you don't give a damn about me, but Mom? Oh, wait you have Nora and Dallas at the mansion, so I guess she doesn't count either."

"Natalie, that's enough," Bo said as he approached from out of the shadows.

Turning to look at her once beloved uncle in anger she shook her head: "I don't think it's nearly enough. Hell, I haven't even started! But hey, at least you and Mom bought a clue and you two were barely around her!"

Clint shook his head: "Clearly Jessica is not the only one who we'll be needing to set up an appointment for. . ." he muttered.

"Oh, no. You didn't just go there," Natalie accused as she whirled back at her father and Bo shook his head. "You didn't give a damn about me getting help or having someone to talk to after all the times I was kidnapped, hell, you couldn't even be bothered to hop on a plane from London or make a phone call. . . not to me anyway.
I mean, don't you remember how we met? It was because I called you about Jessica. Always about Jessica . . .
Oh, you tried to play it off. Used the Buchanan charm to make me think I stood a chance with you. At having some kinda place in your life. Your heart. . . but I never did did I?" she asked bitterly, glad that the darkness hid her tears. "Jessica was and would always be your daughter.
She's the one you raised.
The one you chose over and over again.
Over me over and over again. . .
Even now.
Now when she's proven herself to be just as sick and twisted as her REAL father," Natalie spit out hatefully.

"I. Am. Her. Real. Father," Clint responded coldly, not giving any of her other words any credence or thought.

Swallowing, Natalie laughed almost hysterically as she swiped at her tears: "and why am I not surprised that that's the part of the tirade you latched onto?" she asked him.

"Natalie, honey. . . No one's denying that you've been through a lot," Bo started.

"Stay out of this Bo," Clint started. "Because she's the reason that. . ."

"That what? Jessica is Tess again? That Nash is dead? That BE went to Dorian?" Natalie listed. "Wrong on all counts. Ask Jess the real story behind Jared coming to town. Ask her when she reenters reality about how Tess had a wham bam thank you ma'am with him then framed him for theft. How that was why he came to town. Ask her about how she and Nash threw us together."

"I'm not letting you ruin your sister's name."

"Like she has mine?" Natalie wondered. "Newsflash, Clint, I was the good sister this time around. I had her back while she was turning the knife in mine.
And if you're not careful I'll make sure everyone knows the truth.
I'll spill to the press how Nash had her committed even when he knew she was faking being Tess to get to Jared," she reminded her father. "Forgot about that one, huh?
Makes getting her off on the kidnapping and attemptedmurder of your REAL daughter a little harder doesn't it?"

"You're not. . ." Clint started without thinking.

"Your real daughter?" Natalie challenged. "Tell me something I haven't figured out a long time ago."

"Natalie, don't do or say something you'll regret," Bo put in coming up to his niece and putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Like I haven't already?" she asked as she pulled away from him and threw back her hair. "There are other things she's done that you don't know about.
Sheconvinced me to help her against my better judgement.
I knew she'd do it alone.
I went along to try to talk her out of it and when I couldn't to watch her back.
And it backfired on all of us.
Gave Jared one more piece of leverage."

"What in damnation are you babbling about?" Clint wondered.

"How the hell do you think Allison got out of St. Ann's. Your precious little Jessica on a quest for the 'family secret.' Probably hoping that she was going to tell her that Mitch somehow her my DNA tests falsified."

"If anyone plotted that it would've been you."

"Right. Because I would let the woman who was responsible for the only real father I've known being killed to walk free," Natalie shot back angrily, taking some semblance of happiness in her father's blanch. "And for clarification, I mean Ben.
He and Bo have been more father to me than you could ever have hoped to be," she said before turning on her uncle: "only he never would've turned on me like you have. He would've understood. Stood by me. Gave me an understanding ear or shoulder instead of turning me away because I disappointed him one time too many. Or because it was what every one else was doing. Because it was what Jessica wanted. Because Ben would've seen that I was hurting too. That I needed someone so that I wouldn't fall back into old habits. Of staying with a guy just because I needed to feel loved. Hell, he would've figured out all of Jared's cons way before you and had him on his ass and out of town before any of this could've gotten this far."

Looking at his brother's sharp look, Bo jumped in with the only thing he could think of over the sting of Natalie's words, after all he had treasured his place as being her favorite uncle for sometime now, to realize that it was only because 1) his younger brother was dead or 2)she thought of said brother as a father when he had started to envision himself as taking on that spot when his older brother hadn't stepped up to the plate hurt: "Honey, your sister is sick. She needs help."

"And a trip to St. Ann's is going to do that? Really helped the last time. Hell, it really helped Allison too," Natalie commented sarcastically.
"And where was this understanding of someone being sick when it was Lindsey, seems you were all for Nora railroading her for Spencer's murder.
She saved Blair from being raped, but because it got St. Marty off and made you look like less of a fool you let Nora further her little vendetta.
I mean, really, do you think that Lindsey really didn't have some sort of breakdown, even she isn't that great of an actress, Bo.
Hell, even Jess slipped up.
When Nash was alive and when she had us locked up down there.
Oh, I know," Natalie said slapping her hand against her head: "she was trying to take back control and I just don't know enough about DID to understand that.
To understand that it was JESSICA telling me how she was going to make sure I paid for taking everything away from her.
But she was wrong, wasn't she.
She still has what I always longed for," she finished tiredly looking back at Clint. "She's the girl that'll you and everyone else will always choose. . . Me, well. . ." she shook her head and squared her shoulders. "I won't lie for you or her.
I won't let you get away with pushing this whole thing under the rug.
You try and I'll make sure the world knows about Nora's deal with Dorian. How she let her walk so you could have BE back.
I'll make sure they know how you put the whole Ray thing in motion.
How she tried to cover up for Marty but railroaded Lindsey.
I will become that worse nightmare you've all been dreading since the day you found out the truth about me.

I AM A BUCHANAN.
The real BUCHANAN," she said forcefully. "Grandpa said that from the first minute he met me and its time I started acting like it.

I'm not changing my statement, and I'm sure as hell am not giving it to some police officer that Nora or Bo chooses. I'm giving it to an FBI agent, in DC, where I'm going with Bre, per the paperwork that Jessica and Nash had drawn up.
It's legal because for all intents and purposes she was in her so called right mind at the time," Natalie finished. "And I won't be coming back here.

So you finally get your wish.

You have one little girl.

The one you chose.

You don't have to lie any more, and by g-d neither do I.
I'm not that girl.
I never was," she finished before she stormed off in the direction of the mausoleum to say goodbye to her father before grabbing her niece and getting the hell out of there, leaving her once favored uncle and her biological father staring after her wondering what had just happened and how things had gone so wrong for all of them.

But Clint knew the answer in his heart, if he'd ever admit.
Natalie had never been the girl he chose.
Never would be.
That was his Jessica, and now they would all have to suffer for the fact that he had been unable to truly accept his biological daughter because of the fear that he would be hurting the one he had raised.
When in truth, by not doing what he had once said he'd tried to he had cheated them all, because Natalie might not be the one he chose, but she was the one that was truly his daughter, even if now it was only in blood. . .

Song Credit: excerpt: "I'm Not That Girl" from Wicked