title: seasonal affective disorder
summary: Persephone, the king of hell, a cold throne, and the crown she didn't ask for. "Sometimes I think I've forgotten what the sun feels like." —Persephone-centric, PersephoneHades
notes: my love for greek mythology has been reawakened. and so this happened.
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In the beginning she doesn't eat anything he gives her for a week. Mostly, it's to spite him, because she's angry at him, because he tricked her and she doesn't want to be tricked again (fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, Persephone thinks and sneers at a bowl of fruit he presents to her).
Mostly, she wants him to know that she hates him for what he did.
Mostly, it's because the thought of eating anything from this place makes her want to throw up.
.
.
Sometimes Persephone wanders.
She can't stand being around him for too long. Whenever she looks at him all she can see is the one who stole her from the spring and the flowers and her mother, and then she thinks of her mother and then—
And then Persephone has to leave before she starts crying because the last thing she wants to happen is for him to see her cry (she does not want to look weak in front of him, for some reason).
Often times Persephone will walk by the pit of souls and peer into it. The ghostly, miserable faces of the dead spirits stare back at her and it's funny because before she probably would have been frightened but now Persephone just thinks that they aren't that much different from her.
.
.
He doesn't even talk to her and that's probably one of the things that frustrates her the most.
Isn't the reason he kidnapped her because he (supposedly) loves her? Because he wants to be with her? It doesn't make any sense then, that he hardly even looks at or talks to her.
What kind of marriage is this, she wants to ask, How do you expect this to work?
She holds her tongue though because it's not like she's making much of an effort in this relationship either.
.
.
They are sitting and waiting for the next arrival of souls when Hades looks over at her and very quietly says,
"I'm sorry."
Persephone's breath catches somewhere in her throat and she looks down at her feet instead of his face and doesn't say anything (it almost sounded like he'd meant it).
Her throne is cold like his hand on hers and Persephone wonders if this is what winter feels like.
.
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Once upon a time there is a boy named Orpheus who falls in love with a girl named Eurydice and when Eurydice dies (far too early), Orpheus can't let her go right away. He travels all the way down to the underworld to take her back home.
The king of the underworld agrees to it on one condition and the queen of the underworld secretly roots for him with a feeling like hope blossoming in her chest when he gets all the way to the top of the entrance out.
It would have been a great love story, the queen thinks back bitterly, if it hadn't ended in such a tragedy.
(because when orpheus fails, her hope dies too. so close, persephone whispers as eurydice vanishes and orpheus cries, but so far).
.
.
"If you left," he says one day, "I'd look for you too. I'd search every corner of the Earth and the darkest parts of the underworld for you."
Persephone stares at him with wide eyes. Her "Why?" comes out as a breathy exhale.
Hades just gives her this sort of funny look.
"Because I love you," he says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. As if it were that simple.
She looks away. Her mouth feels dry.
.
.
There is a day where Persephone can't hold back anymore.
It happens sort of randomly, when they're sitting on their cold thrones and waiting for more souls again. Hades is silent and staring straight ahead and Persephone is suddenly so aware of just how dark and cold and quiet it is here and if this is what winter is like then she hates it. She hates it a lot.
Persephone's heart pounds something horrible in her chest and she can't breathe and then she's crying because she hates it here and she hates winter (because she is a child of sun and warm weather and daisy chains and flower crowns and not—not this) and she still hates him.
"I didn't ask for this," she cries when he looks at her, eyebrows creased together in a concerned frown, "I never wanted to be a queen."
He sighs and says, "I know," in that (much too) gentle voice of his. Persephone balls her hands into fists and tries to keep her voice from shaking.
"No. You don't understand. You don't know anything," she says and oh gods she hates how he makes her feel this way, everything is all his fault.
He's looking at her with his sad, dark eyes and his mouth is curved into a frown and her heart does this weird twisting thing and she swears she can't stand him especially when he says, "I didn't mean to make you so unhappy," because that just makes her want to cry a little more.
He puts a hand on her shoulder and it feels like ice on her skin and harsh winds and frostbite and Persephone really does hate winter. She cries some more and doesn't care if she looks weak to him.
"Sometimes I can't remember what the sun feels like," she whispers in between sobs and Hades doesn't know what to do.
.
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"We could hide. Find an island for ourselves," her mother says when Persephone's allowed back on Earth for a little while, "No one would have to know."
And Persephone thinks about that for a moment. She really wants to say yes and stay where the flowers are and the sunlight and the warmth but then she thinks about how they'd get caught because they would get caught.
(—if you left i'd look for you too—)
Someone would know. Someone would tell.
(—i'd search every corner of the earth—)
And this isn't something Zeus would just let go either. A deal between gods is a serious matter and Zeus would probably have her mother punished in some horrible way because that's what he's like and it doesn't really matter if Demeter's his sister or not.
And then Persephone thinks of a lonely god with sad eyes on his cold throne in the silent darkness of the underworld.
(—and the darkest parts of the underworld for you—)
Persephone brings her mother into a tight embrace. She smells like earth and grass and flowers. She feels like warm sunlight on her skin.
"I'm sorry," Persephone says into her mother's hair, "but I can't do that to you." And really she's thinking, and I can't do that to him.
(—because i love you—)