Title: Romance According to Murata

Genre: Romance/Humor…mostly humor

Pairings: Various. Wolfram/Yuuri, Yozak/Conrart, Gwendel/Günter. Hinted Murata/Gisela (read a story with them as a side pairing once, thought it was cute.)

Rating: T

Official disclaimer: This is my official disclaimer, so I don't to keep reposting the cursed thing, stating I never will own Kyo Kara Maoh in any shape, way, or form.

Summary: Shin Makoku, influenced by some of its citizens visiting Yuuri's world, decided to make their own newspaper. Murata is asked to write a column in the paper, and the double black decides to do a romantic advice column. Now people all over Shin Makoku are coming to Murata for romantic advice! What's a reincarnated Great Sage to do?

AN: Okay, I know I should be working on, "The Back Handed Slap," but this plot bunny wouldn't stop bouncing on my head!

This is for letters/responses to letters.

----

Murata walked down one of the many halls of Shinou's tomb chuckling softly to himself. During the last trip to "the other world" Gwendel was quite amused by the local newspaper Yuuri's father was reading. True, the stoic man couldn't read a word of it, but Gwendel seemed to like the idea of creating a newspaper…as long as he didn't have to write it. Then, of course, when Anissina heard about it she was thoroughly convinced that having newspaper would better involve the women of Shin Makoku with current events, as well as education, and announced that she would create the first ever Shin Makoku newspaper.

Anissina then later thought the male population could use some of that education too.

In the end Anissina decided to name the paper, "The Voice of Shin Makoku". She was originally going to call it "Women's Voice" but Günter's begging, and agreeing to be her test subject for a week, convinced her to change the title. The redheaded woman then asked Murata to write something for the paper. He agreed, after all who was he to say no to a beautiful redheaded woman?

Especially a beautiful redheaded woman who use him as a guinea pig if he refused, despite the fact that he didn't posses any maryoku.

So that's how the Great Sage got drafted into journalism, for the first time in any of his lives actually.

"Hmmm…what to write?" Murata thought to himself as he entered his room. He then flopped down on his bed ideas flooding his mind. "Let's see something that can utilize all the knowledge I have gathered during my lives. What would that be? Sports section? Nah…it's hard to write about jousting, archery and sword play, and there aren't enough teams to write about baseball. Editorials? Nah…that'd be way too boring."

Suddenly a brilliant idea entered his head, and he practically jumped out of bed in excitement. What was Shin Makoku lacking in? No, it wasn't food, water, or any other necessity but romance! And lucky for Murata he's been reincarnated many times, and as both sexes, and knew exactly what it was that each gender finds romantic.

His life as Christine(1) were especially fun, and...romantic.

Snapping out of his memories, he grabbed for the nearest pencil…err quill and paper. As his quill touched the paper, Murata couldn't help the bubbles of laughter that threatened to escape his throat. Oh, how this would help the poor sexually frustrated mazoku, and what king of sage would he be if he didn't give his sagely advice?

Dear readers,

This is Murata Ken, your local Romantic Advice Columnist. I will help the citizens for Shin Makoku romanticize and seduce the mazoku of their dreams, and keep them too. Heck, they'll be begging for commitment if you do what I say! Before you ask, yes I am qualified to help in this department. In fact I am over qualified.

All that you need to do is write to me at the address that's already provided. I will answer any of your romantic questions and give the writer some of my sagely advice here in this column. If the writer feels bashful and does not want others to know that they're writing to me, please, feel free to use an alias.

This has been romance according to Murata.

Murata then leaned back and waited for the person from the newspaper to come and collect his article. He couldn't help but feel great. After all the people who wrote in would be one step closer to attaining the person they desire, and if no one wrote Murata wouldn't have to work. All in all it was a win win situation.

It wasn't like the paper was paying him anyways.

---------

Murata didn't know whether or not to be extremely joyful or surprised at the stack of letters, a short stack but still a stack of letters, sitting on his desk. Each and every letter addressed to him asked for his advice on matters of the heart. Who knew people would actually write in?

"Well I guess I should go ahead and get to work." Murata smiled to himself as he ruffled his hair in amusement. Grabbing the first letter on the stack, he ripped it open as he sat down in his chair.

Murata,

I have a problem, and I dare you to laugh. You see I have this fiancé who wouldn't look at me twice even if I set myself on fire, and ran around the courtyard in circles singing the national anthem. The wimp is too preoccupied with training with my brother, finding another artifact, flirting with other people, and playing that ridiculous game of baseball.

Seriously, what's so amusing about hitting a ball with a stick? Stupid stick and ball game! Who made up that asinine sport anyway?

Anyway, it seems like every time I get close to him he pushes me away. I've tried everything! I follow him on his adventures, and I even sleep in the same room! I have run out of ideas, what should I do?

The Lone Wolf.

"Wolfram?!" Murata squealed with laughter, clutching the letter. Shaking his head, with a wide, cheshire cat smile on his face, he thought aloud, "he must be pretty desperate to try and get my advice through the paper. Maybe he was too embarrassed to ask me in person and thought he would remain anonymous this way?" Laughing again Murata grabbed a sheet of paper and began to write.

Wolfram?!

Lone Wolf? Man that is a lame alias. Seriously, can't you do better?

Anyway this "mysterious fiancé" that you speak of, and the constant pushing away, is a fairly common problem. Why do wimps always have to make things so difficult? Am I right? Anyway it sounds like your fiancé just feels suffocated.

Before you get all angry about me saying the poor guy is feeling suffocated ,remember you even said you pretty much follow him everywhere. Now, what I suggest is that you give him space and let your fiancé come to you. Even give the wimp the cold shoulder if necessary.

When he does come to you, try to get involved with his interests. Like baseball for example. Then after a while you two can play your own special game of 'ball and stick' if you get my drift. Wink wink.

Give it your all,

Romance according to Murata.

Hoping the blonde wouldn't be too angry that he revealed his identity, Murata placed his reply on to top of the original letter in a folder so that both could be printed in the romantic advice column. After all, it wouldn't make sense to the other readers if he didn't post the question with his answer.

Grabbing another letter, Murata relaxed into the chair and began to read the next letter.

Dear Murata,

I am slowly going insane. There is this beautiful, bubbly, guy I work with, but I think he's in love with another man. A younger man of all things, and I honestly think that one of these days he's going to take my joke about tying this young man up and keeping him to himself seriously.

Okay, I know I shouldn't make jokes about these types of things. After all tying someone up against their will is a felony. It's just the man always bugs me when I am trying to work. And, in case you haven't noticed, I don't know anything about love, romance, or dating…it just all seemed so…so nonsensical!

Please help,

The Dark Horse.

Murata couldn't keep the laughter bottled up while he read the letter. Who knew Gwendel actually had hormones? Not only hormones, but the man had it bad for Günter Von Christ! A man who is not only excitable, but unpredictable. Biting his bottom lip, Murata grabbed for his quill and began to write his response.

Dear Gwendel,

Who knew you had it in you? Well first things first, you seem to be on the right track. I mean this guy actually feels comfortable enough around you to interrupt you at work, and talk. Not only talk to you, but complain to you too, congratulations!

Alas, you still have a lot of work to do before asking this guy out. Have you made an attempt to talk the guy about stuff that is not work related? Try that. Also, your constant frowning may be way to intimidating. Try smiling, or smirking, at this man while he is in your office. It'll not only show that you enjoy his company, but it'll be refreshing to everybody.

Best Wishes!

Romance according to Murata

Shoving both papers into the folder, Murata reached for the next letter. Murata's interest was piqued when he notice the envelope was slightly different that the others. It was crumpled up, with many different stamps on it. So it appeared that whoever wrote it had to have it sent through various mailers to get it to him. Cocking his head to the side with interest Murata quickly tore open the envelope.

Hey Murata,

How are things in your neck of the woods? Things are good here, wish I could tell you where here is. Sadly, it's a secret, ya know?

Okay kiddo, I'm going to get straight to the reason why I wrote to ya. I liked this guy for years now. We grew up together, fought in the war together, and still hang out. A lot. I also flirt with the guy. A lot.

But he's so freaking clueless!!!!!!!!!!!! All he does is smile that damned smile of his, and brushes it off, thinking I'm just joking around or something!

Did I mention people flirt with this guys a lot? Well they do and I'm pretty sick of it.

Got any suggestions?

Signed The Red Menace.

Murata snorted to himself as he read the letter. Who knew being the romance column guy would be so entertaining? Also, as an added perk, he was the first to know all the juicy gossip for once, instead of the maids.

"So Yozak likes Conrad, eh?" Murata sighed to himself, rubbing his chin in thought. "I should have seen that one." Dipping his quill in the ink, he began to write on a fresh piece of paper.

Dear Red Menace,

I'm not going to lie to you. Seducing Lord Weller will not be an easy task. It's not that he's hard to get close to, or that he's unlovable, it's just the poor guy doesn't have a clue about love. He most likely doesn't have a clue that people are interested in him, and thinks that they're just being friendly.

I'm telling you you're going to have to use a direct approach. You're going to have to march up to the guy and kiss him dead on the lips to get it through his thick head. After that, who knows what will happen.

Maybe he'll laugh it off, if that's the case keep kissing him every day until Conrart understands. If he kisses back congrats! If he just stares afterwards, explain your feelings and kiss him again.

If he asks you what the matter with you is, just say it was a joke and be content to be just friends.

Either way you still get a kiss.

Good luck…you're going to need it,

Romance according to Murata.

Dropping his quill, Murata shook his hand to lessen the cramp he was starting to feel. With his other hand, the double black placed the papers snuggly inside the folder. He then glared at the last letter.

"Ah well," he shrugged, lazily reaching for the last letter. "At least I'll be done for the day after this."

Dear Murata,

I'm in love with my commander. She's wonderful, helpful and likes to heal people, but extremely scary when she's mad.

How do I win her over?

The Bald Knight

Murata glared down at the letter. Like looking at it with enough hatred would cause the letter to spontaneously combust. Dorcas wanted to be with Gisela? His Gisela?!

Okay, she wasn't his yet, but he was working on that. He had to wait, he was still sixteen and there was no way Gisela would take him seriously! Also she wasn't scary! Gisela just knew what she wanted and how to get it accomplished. She was just…rough, and he liked that!

"He just doesn't get women with strength is sexy, that's all." Murata snorted, angrily grabbing for another sheet of paper.

Dorcas,

There is no way you could ever handle a relationship with Gisela.

Better luck next time,

Romance according to Murata.

With that final letter, Murata shoved the letter and response into the folder. The double black then stood up and stretched his arms over his head, and let out a loud yawn, "Uh, it's great to be done with work." Murata then shifted his weight and left the folder on the desk so whoever collected his work for the paper could find it easily. Murata then smiled in spite himself and began to walk toward the central garden of the temple.

After all, he heard Gisela was visiting the temple today…

---

Christine is a past life of Murata's. Turns out Christine was an adult film actress.

This was originally supposed to be a radio talk show, and I wrote four paragraphs before I realized that Shin Makoku does NOT have radios, and even if they did they don't have telephones to call in the problem…sigh.

Anyways read and review! P.S. If you can think of any aliases for any of the other characters, I'll gladly listen to them!