dark
dark
pain smell of blood help please niisan mommy anyone
useless
unneeded
dark
dark
sweet sickly stench of copper in mouth in nose on hands
dark
"So, Yuki-kun."
"What?" Shigure's eyes were twinkling behind his glasses.
"Are you planning anything for today?"
Yuki flushed. "No, I'm not," he said coldly, trying to telepathically send the message Don't even.
Tohru looked confused. "What's going on?" Shigure's eyes sparkled even more.
"Why, today is a very important day for this family!"
("We're not a family," Kyo growled.)
"What? I had no idea! What happened?" Tohru squeaked in alarm.
"Why, it's –"
"It's Shigure being stupid," Yuki said, even more coldly, blowing on his stinging palm. "Don't listen to him, Miss Honda. It's nothing you need to worry about. I'm finished." He pushed his chair back and went into the living room, where he sat down heavily. Stupid dog.
"Why'd you hit me?" Shigure whined from the doorway. His hand barely covered a huge red welt on his cheekbone.
"Why did you have to go and bring that up?"
"I would have thought you'd want to celebrate. Four years to the day since you came here." For once his voice sounded frank rather than teasing.
"I'd rather pretend I've lived here forever."
"You celebrated last year." There was a pause; then Shigure said shrewdly, "This is about Tohru-kun, isn't it?"
Yuki sagged. "She'd just worry. She doesn't know, Shigure. I'd rather keep it that way."
"But your dreams-"
"She knows I have them. I've never told her what they're about." He buried his face in his hands. "They've been getting worse."
He felt the couch shift as Shigure sat down. "Are they really that bad?" Gentle. Almost fatherly, the way his voice had sounded for a year afterward.
"Yes… yes…you have no idea…" The pain thickened his voice, and he looked up with haunted eyes. "Shigure. You – you saved me. And I'll always be grateful for that. But please…. please…"
Please.
yu ki
yu ki
what is yu ki dry whispered sounds falling
yu ki
yu ki
wa ka ru no it te ku da sa i wa ta shi da ha ru
meaningless sounds go away go away
hurts
soft restful whiteness
long soft jasmine darkness strands not bad darkness of room good darkness merciful oblivion
pain
dark
sounds leave alone again pain huddled on floor
dark
dark
cracking sound more pain oh please stop stop stop stop stop stop
broken
gentle sounds
light this is light
hurts
blind
yu ki yu ki yu ki yu ki yu ki yu ki yu ki yu ki yu ki
yu ki is broken pain huddled on floor
me?
yuki
shi gu re da bo ku wa i to ko
shi gu re shi gu re
shigure is soft gentle sounds
fuzzy grey shining blur begins to form
light doesn't hurt as much
sounds are words?
wa ka ru ka
wakaru ka
can you understand me
long buried meanings dredging up words not sounds
how to say yes
nod
wa ka ru yo kat ta
wakaru yokatta
you understand that's good
yu ki is "me"
"i" am "yuki"
i understand now
the words i've waited so long to hear
do you want to leave
leave
want to leave
do you want to live with me
nod
nod
yes oh yes i do get me out of here
no no!
don't leave don't leave don't turn and walk away
if i stay here i'll die i'll plunge back into insanity
i need to hear it
nod
nod
no that won't work say it
i can't the word won't come
just one word show me how badly you want to leave
i can't
at least try
try
try
yes yes i want to leave
walking away don't leave me here lunge grab hem of robes
ha
stops turns back
hope blossoms for first time in how long has it been
ha i
the dam breaks
dashite koko kara dashite
gentle hand on mine
legs weak
fall
lifted by slender arms
curl into man who saved me
I don't want to let go but I must when we reach the car
for the first time in how long has it been I see the sunlight
red gold leaves twisting down to the ground
crisp clean smokey scent
I turn to Shigure
ki re i
yes he says it's beautiful
~Author's Note~
That was very hard. I was sitting there the whole time going, "No capitals! You're not allowed to use capitals or periods!" (Although I guess that's a good thing?)
My intention was to write someone who has completely retreated into his head. There's a part in the manga (I think it's book 5) where Haru mentions that at one point Yuki was just like Kisa - he wouldn't talk at all. I started thinking, what if he didn't talk because he couldn't? My guess is that it would have been when he was going through the worst of the abuse, after Akito totally went off the deep end, and in self-defense his mind just...shut down, until he couldn't even recognize words as having meaning.
Note that although the anime does show Akito whipping Yuki at one point, in the manga it's never confirmed that there was physical abuse involved. My personal view is that it's possible and indeed quite likely given Akito's treatment of several other people, but the emphasis would most definitely have been on the mental and emotional aspects of the trauma.
Translations for those who don't speak Japanese (if you do, feel free to correct me):
Wakaru no? Itte kudasai. Watashi da. Haru.
Do you understand me? Please, say something. It's me, Haru.
Shigure da. Boku wa itoko.
I'm Shigure, your cousin.
Hai.
Yes.
Koko kara dashite.
Take me away from here.
Kirei.
It's pretty.
Thank you for reading!
-Yasumi