On the Cusp of Everything
By Chibimom
The usual disclaimers: The characters are not mine. No profit is made here.
Pairing: Lex/Clark; slash
Rating: R
Spoilers: None
Warning: Character death
Summary: Standing on the edge still means you can fall either way. Sequel to 'Fade to Nothing'. Please read that story before this one.
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so hard...
urges...
i can't, i can't, i can't...
i've fooled everyone...
everyone but myself...
*********************
He scrutinized his long, lanky, nude form in the full length mirror. Dr. Sayed would be happy... he'd gained another two pounds this week. Fuck her Lex spread his hands over his belly... the belly he hadn't had three months ago. Why? Why? Why was every ounce of weight he gained ending up on his gut? Jesus He looked pregnant.
What he couldn't see were the prominent rib bones, hip bones and scapula. Lex's weight rode the elevator up and down weekly. He sat on the floor and leaned back against his bed... he couldn't see his dick for his paunch. Well, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration. Maybe if he jerked off he would feel better. Lex reached for his cock and began to stroke it. After 30 seconds he gave up... the thing was dead... just like the rest of him. Closing his eyes, Lex sighed.
It was 7:30 and he had a meeting at the shit factory at 8:30. He would have to get his ass in gear to make it on time.
Denise, his secretary, met him as he entered his office. She had a tray with orange juice, coffee, a small bowl of plain mini-wheats with skim milk and artificial sweetener. Lex glared at her as she put the tray on his desk.
"Your breakfast, Sir." Denise smiled, ignoring Lex's stare.
Denise knew it was on his menu for Tuesday mornings. Lex had worked on his breakfast and lunch menus for the office with the help of Dr. Sayed's dietician. Sometimes he ate. Sometimes he didn't. Sometimes he ate some of it. On a good day he'd eat most of it.
Lex ate a few bites of the cereal and downed his coffee. He took his glass of orange juice with him as he left his office and headed down the corridor to the meeting room. He was surprised to find his father pacing around the mahogany table while Gabe Sullivan, the plant manager, and several other supervisors sat fidgeting in their chairs.
Great Just what he needed. Daddy.
"Dad... why are you gracing us with your presence?" Lex asked and sat in his mesh chair at the head of the table. Tipping the glass back, he gulped the last of his orange juice.
"I came to oversee your meeting." Lionel kept pacing, his black coat whipping around his legs. "Call it an audit of your continuing recovery."
Lex kept his steely glare, reaching deep inside for the resolve to keep calm. He mustn't let his father have the satisfaction of seeing his anger. How dare his father embarrass him in front of his staff.
"Gabe, everyone... we'll reschedule this meeting. Denise will call you." Lex's foot was tapping wildly under the table. He had to get his anger under control.
"Uh, sure Lex... no problem." Gabe attempted a smile, then ushered the group out of the conference room.
"What do you really want, Dad?" Lex's voice cracked slightly. Damn, Lionel would immediately pick up on that slip.
"I want to take over responsibility for the plant while you're still sick." Lionel sounded like he was asking for tea and biscuits instead of asking to take away Lex's hard earned Company.
"You have to be out of your mind, Dad. The plant was in the care of Gabe Sullivan while I was in the hospital. At least Gabe didn't try to steal it away from me. And I actually had a company to come back to." Lex stood and strolled to the bar.
"Isn't it a bit early for a drink, son?" Lionel smirked.
Lex ignored him and retrieved a bottle of Ty-Nant and returned to the table. If Lionel felt slighted at not being offered something, he didn't show it.
"I think it's time for you to leave, Dad." Lex held on tight to the blue bottle to keep from shaking. "LexCorp will be fine. I'm fine. Now go"
"Such an unpleasantness, Lex." Lionel rose and headed for the door. "I was only offering assistance to my beleaguered son in his hour of need." With a twinkling in his eyes, Lionel pulled the door shut behind him.
Lex thought he would break the Ty-Nant bottle in his bare hand as he gritted his teeth together.
*******************
"father no"
"shh, it's okay..."
"our little secret..."
"don't bother Mother, she's sick"
pain...
shame...
nightmares...
oreos...
maybe just two...
beloved spoon...
just where i left it...
*********************
Clark opened the back door quietly, carrying Lex's produce into the mud room where he wiped his boots. Opening the door to the kitchen, Clark came to a screeching halt at the sounds coming from inside.
Retching... The garbage disposal was going and Clark saw Lex's long thin body bending over the sink sticking a spoon handle down his throat. Clark immediately looked away and set the produce box on a shelf in the mud room. He waited until the disposal and water were turned off. Not wanting to confront his friend, Clark picked up the produce and re-entered the kitchen.
"Oh, hi Lex." Clark smiled brightly. "I have some great strawberries from the greenhouse this week."
Lex looked like a doe caught in the headlights of a very big car. Clark watched as Lex quickly pulled himself together and strolled over to see what Clark brought this week.
"They do look good, Clark." Lex picked up one and popped it in his mouth. "Wonderful Did you just get here?"
Clark thought about his response carefully. Should he lie and give Lex his privacy? Should he tell the truth and humiliate Lex? God he wanted to help... he just didn't know what to do. In the end he went with the truth.
"No, Lex, I've been here for a few minutes."
"Oh." Lex turned from Clark and wiped his mouth on his arm. "I never wanted you to see me like that. Disgusting, wasn't it?"
"Lex, you are never disgusting." Clark immediately pulled Lex to him and wrapped his arms around the still too-slim body. "Dr. Sayed said it would take time. What triggered the binge this time? Lionel in town?"
"God, Clark, I let him worm his way under my skin. Today he tried to take over leadership of LexCorp." Lex nestled his head against Clark's warm flannel-covered chest.
"You're strong, Lex, you don't need him." Clark rubbed large circles into Lex's back. "If you aren't busy tonight, Mom said I can stay over. I've finished my chores. I just need to be home by 5 pm tomorrow afternoon."
"That sounds really great, Clark. I need to brush my teeth. Meet you in the entertainment room in a few minutes?"
Clark smiled and nodded. "I'll just put this produce away."
Lex trudged slowly out of the kitchen. He looked like a fallen warrior. Clark saw the dark purple shadows under Lex's grey eyes and the defeated slump of his shoulders. Lex was struggling... flailing... desperate. This was not about weight. It was about self-confidence and Lex had none. It was about control and Lex seemed to have little... just what went in and out of his mouth.
Clark sighed as he put the strawberries in the refrigerator. He pulled out a Pepsi and popped the top. How could he help Lex regain some of his self-confidence? How could he convince Lex that he did have control over his life? He just had to reach out and take it.
Lex had even lost his confidence in bed and had tried to drive Clark away with anger and hostility. How could a Luthor admit to impotence? An eating disorder was bad enough. Clark refused to let his friend push him away. He took everything Lex threw at him and still came back for more. Clark didn't care if they weren't intimate... holding and caressing were just fine by him.
Taking a sip of his pop, Clark walked down the hall to the entertainment room. The TV was already on, but Lex was nowhere in sight. Clark went upstairs, taking the steps 2 or 3 at time. Lex wasn't in his bedroom or bathroom. Hmmm. He x-rayed the area and found his friend in the rear of his huge walk-in closet sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest.
"Lex..." Clark called softly, pushing aside designer clothes, trying not to trip on $5,000 pairs of shoes.
"Clark, please... just go. I want to be alone." Lex's voice was so quiet, Clark barely heard him.
"I'm not leaving Lex." Clark stumbled and ended up on his butt, right next to his friend. Clark laughed at himself, but Lex hid his face in his hands. "Anyway, I don't think you really want to be alone."
"Fuck you." Lex said quietly. "You don't know what I want."
"Well, maybe not. But I'm not leaving you alone. Do you want to tell ghost stories here in the dark?
A half chuckle rumbled deep in Lex's throat. Clark smiled at how easy it was for him to raise his friend's spirits when no doctor could.
"Did you bring a flashlight, Clark?"
"Flashlights are for sissies, Lex. We don't need one." Clark pulled Lex to him, settling the older man between his legs, back to Clark's chest. Clark cradled Lex's head under his chin.
"Okay, I'll start," Clark said. "Hmmm. Let's see. Have you heard the one about the psycho surgeon who removes people's kidneys and...?"
"Clark," Lex began, frowning. "That's an old urban legend..."
"No It really happened to someone at school."
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Lex felt like he was on stage. Everywhere he went people watched him. He could feel eyes burning into his back and he couldn't help but look over his shoulder. Of course whenever he looked, no one was staring. Fuck them all... they always knew when to turn away
While tramping around the plant, he walked up to Gabe and leaned into his manager's personal space. Gabe was checking some readings above a valve against notes on his clipboard.
"Why were you staring at me?" Lex demanded, anger and contempt obvious in his voice.
"Sir?" Gabe was startled. "Lex, I didn't even know you were there. I was checking these..." Gabe held up his clipboard in defense.
"Like hell..." Lex mumbled, walking off, leaving Gabe with a puzzled expression.
Lex stormed back to his office. Denise was waiting as he entered.
"Mr. Wong is here to see you." She stood to speak. "He's not on your schedule... I assume you arranged for his appointment?"
Lex saw right through her little charade. Denise noticed that his clothes were getting tight again and asked Wong to come over unannounced. Lex was furious. He threw open his office door and saw his tailor arranging fabric swatches on Lex's glass desk.
"So you think I'm getting fat too?" He whipped around the smaller man, sliding into his leather desk chair. "I can wear what I have now. I don't need anything new."
"Good morning to you too," Wong said dryly. "Actually, I came by to show you the latest fabrics and styles for Spring. I thought you might want to pick out a few things. Also, Christmas is just a few weeks away. Do you want a new tux for your Company Christmas Party?"
"Sorry." Lex couldn't look Wong in the eyes. "Yes, I need something new. New Year's also."
"Fine." Wong took his tape measure and Lex stood up and removed his suit jacket to have his measurements taken. "I don't want to know what they are." Lex grimaced as Wong wrapped the tape around his chest.
"Okay... now... what color shirt were you thinking of? I have a very nice pale mulberry..."
****************************
nooooo...
too soon...
party...
terrified...
must go this year...
pain...
"no son..."
"daddy...
it hurts..."
"daddy loves his little boy..."
"nooooooooooooo..."
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"You aren't going to dump me for Lana again, are you?" Lex scrutinized Clark as the boy stacked straw inside the barn. Immediately, he knew it was a catty remark... an undeserved one at that. But he couldn't help himself. Damn. He'd come here to see if Clark needed a new suit for the Christmas Party. He knew Clark had grown since last year.
Clark's shoulders slumped, turning to face Lex who had just entered the barn.
"No." Clark sat on one of the bales, hung his head and chewed on his lower lip. "That was low, Lex. I've tried to make up for hurting you."
"Just checking." Fuck... why did he say that? He sat down beside Clark on the bale of straw. "I'm sorry, Clark. You didn't deserve that." Lex absently picked at the straw.
Lex watched as Clark turned to him and searched his sad, grey eyes. Slowly, Clark leaned over and placed a kiss on Lex's cheek. He pulled the older man to him and began to kiss his face. Lex sighed and opened his mouth to Clark's insistent tongue. A look of rediscovery of a taste he couldn't live without sent shivers down Lex's body. Lex moaned and that was all Clark needed.
Clark dropped to his knees in front of Lex and slowly undid the expensive, lizard belt encircling the waistband of finely tailored slacks. The popped button shot across the loft and suddenly Clark was nuzzling Lex's groin, inhaling the clean, pure male scent.
"You smell so good, Lex."
"Clark, no," Lex protested softly. "Don't..." His body tensed under Clark's hands.
"Lex, please, let me do this. I need you. I need to taste you." Clark looked up at his friend with pleading hazel eyes. The lust in his voice was unmistakable, his hand encircling Lex's limp cock insistent.
"Clark..." Lex pushed him away, panic rising in his throat. "No. I can't... you can't... stop."
"Why?" The boy kissed the head of Lex's cock and took it into his mouth, but the organ remained soft.
"I said NO" Lex pushed Clark away with all his strength, sending the boy sprawling across the rough floor of the loft. Lex stood, zipped up his slacks and picked up his belt. He headed for the stairs, embarrassment and anger raging inside.
"Lex" Clark called after him, scrambling to his feet. He beat the older man to the bottom of the stairs and blocked his retreat. "I'm sorry. I just thought I could make you feel good."
"Get out of my way, Clark." Lex's eyes were mere slits.
Clark moved and Lex strode out of the barn to his Porsche which was parked in the Kent driveway.
"Please, Lex. Don't leave like this. I'm sorry." Clark watched as Lex got into his car.
Lex hesitated, resting his forehead on the steering wheel. "Clark... everything will be okay." Lex sighed. "I just need time." He turned the key in the ignition and the Porsche roared to life.
"Okay." Clark's mouth smiled even if his eyes couldn't. He stepped back as Lex turned the car around and sped down the driveway.
Jonathan was watching through the screen door when Clark went inside. A hand on Clark's shoulder kept him from running upstairs.
"What was that about?" Jonathan's voice was deep and wary.
"Nothing, Dad." Clark looked up. "Lex had something to take care of."
"Son." Jonathan searched Clark's eyes but didn't find what he was looking for. "Be careful... Lex..."
"Don't Dad," Clark said, stepping away from his father. "Just... don't." He pulled out of Jonathan's grip and went upstairs to his room.
*************************
The painted lines on the highway mocked him as they danced brilliantly in the glow of the halogen headlights.
"You're okay. You're okay. You're okay." The bright yellow lines chanted.
Lex pressed the accelerator to the floor in an attempt to outrun the mantra in his head. He wasn't okay. He was far from okay. He would never be okay again. Luckily there were few cars on the highway tonight. Not many people heading to Metropolis at 10 o'clock on a Tuesday night. He could now see the outline of the city's skyscrapers against the clear, black sky.
Pulling into the Luthorcorp building, Lex left the car with the valet and rode the elevator to the 34th floor. He punched in the security code outside the penthouse apartment and quickly went inside.
The penthouse held some of his finest club clothes from the 'old' days. He rummaged through his closet and found a pair of black, skin-tight leather pants. Lex chuckled, knowing how tight they would be because he'd gained a few pounds since Wong had made them. A nice stretch silver-blue sleeveless, waist-length tee-shirt would work well, he thought, quickly pulling it over his head. He stepped into the slacks and sensuously tugged them up over his hips. Standing in front of the three-way mirror, Lex appraised himself. Not bad... he was still fat, but if he painted his face just right, no one would be looking at his gut. He fingered his stomach and looked into the side mirror. The mirror reflected a concave abdomen, but lying eyes saw a huge bulge. Carefully applied make-up made him look like 18 year-old hard trade again.
Lex smiled as he glanced over the dance floor of Anubis. Many of the same people where here that were here six years and more ago. Lex gave them the same disdainful looks. Even the music had changed little. The beat and pulsing lights only intensified the sexual tension in the air. He leaned back against the bar, carelessly, feet crossed in front of him. Clouds of arrogance engulfed him. Here, he had no condition. Here, no one told him what to do.
Lex felt in his element. Men flashed admiring glances his way, but Lex ignored them. One of them held up a thousand dollar bill and Lex licked his lips, but mouthed 'fuck you'. The man flipped him off, cursed and returned to the undulating mass.
Another scotch arrived and Lex downed it just like the three before it. With nothing in his stomach but the alcohol, he was beginning to feel the effects... he wanted more.
Lex meandered through the sweating, pulsing crowd toward the restrooms. Like the Red Sea, the dancers parted before him, not even realizing what they were doing. Lex smiled slyly. These people knew who he was. He was respected here. Once inside the bathroom, he retrieved a syringe, a packet of white powder and a tiny flat spoon from the concealed flap in the waistband of his leather pants. A gentleman standing next to him offered a latex band to tighten around his arm and a lighter to liquify the powder. How gracious, Lex thought. He filled and plunged the syringe into a nice plump vein and loosened the band. The rush was ecstatic. God... why had he ever quit?
The dance floor now rumbled his name sultrily to him as he sauntered toward the strobe lights and sexual anxiety. As if a part of the music, his hips swayed in time with the beat; long slender arms held high, clasped above his head. His face shone with a fine sheen of perspiration. He licked his lips and closed his eyes. I'll never give this up again...
The man with the thousand dollar bill moved up behind Lex and ground his erection into Lex's hard ass. Lex's arms moved down behind him to tug at the man's hair and encircle his head. The man reached around Lex and rubbed his chest through the fine silver knit. He carefully pushed the thousand dollar bill into the waistband of Lex's pants. Lex fingered the bill and pushed back against the hard cock.
"Change your mind?" The sexual whisper tickled Lex's ear.
"Hmmmmmmmm," was as coherent as Lex could muster.
The man reached around with one hand and cupped Lex's cock, stroking it through the tight leather. Lex moaned and leaned into the touch. With the other hand, the man pinched Lex's nipple. A hearty groan escaped Lex's throat.
"Got someplace we can go?" The man asked. "You deserve better than the back hallway, my beautiful boy."
"Uh huh," Lex moaned, taking the man's arm to lead him out of the club.
***************************
red glitter blush...
thick black eyeliner...
smeared...
smiling...
more smack on the table...
thousand dollar bill soaked in spunk...
satisfied with the pain...
pain makes you worthy...
pain makes you whole...
"why daddy?"
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