Just something I wrote a while back and decided to post. I hope you enjoy it. Reviews are certainly welcome but not required. Pairings: mentions of Will/Djaq and Allan/Djaq. Disclaimer: Now come on! If I owned Will Scarlett or Allan A'Dale would I be sitting here writing silly stories about them? Unfortunately, I own nothing.
They were sitting at the edge of the stream, washing their hands. The herbs that they had spent the last few hours collecting were spread out in piles behind them on a square of cloth.
Djaq found the trickling flow of the water somewhat soothing and used its sounds to try to wipe away the dark thoughts that had been occupying her mind lately.
It had been several weeks since the discovery of Allan's betrayal and, much to Djaq's bitter disappointment, things seemed to be getting back to normal for the gang.
She had been sure that Allan would return to them within a matter of days after being banished.
She had actually expected him to try much harder to be reinstated...to earn Robin's forgiveness.
But, with the exception of the one time they had come upon him searching for the coins he had buried, he seemed content with his choices. How could that be?
She had certainly never expected him to take up openly with Gisborne, despite his former covert associations with the man.
She had been so sure that he was repentant. But now she had begun to doubt her own convictions. The rest of the lads, however, seemed more than happy to pretend that Allan did not exist, for the most part.
And now that Marian was living in the camp and sleeping in Allan's bed, it was even easier for them to ignore the hole in their lives.
Djaq closed her eyes, letting the cool breeze carry her worries away, and involuntarily sighed aloud. Her companion took this as an invitation and asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"
She did not. "There is nothing to talk about. I am fine, Marian. Only a bit tired. Thank you for asking." She answered as politely as she could.
It was not the first time that the other woman had attempted to invade Djaq's private thoughts. She routinely tried to have 'girl talk' moments whenever the two found themselves alone together.
In fact, Djaq suspected that Marian had volunteered to join her in collecting herbs today for the sole purpose of sisterly bonding.
While she genuinely liked and respected Marian, Djaq had no interest in becoming giggling best friends with the woman. That kind of relationship had never been a part of Djaq's life, and she had always preferred it that way.
She found the idle chatter of women irritating and impractical. She was not fond of gossip and had no desire to bare her soul to anyone.
"I know that it must be hard for you." Marian continued, oblivious to the polite brush off. "So many things have changed in such a short time. Allan's gone and I'm here. I know you and he had a special relationship. I'm sorry, Djaq."
"Why should you apologize? Allan made his own choices. He is still making his own choices." Djaq responded a little more sharply than she had intended.
She knew that Marian was trying to be kind and she did not wish to be rude to her. She wanted her to feel welcome and was actually glad that she was in the forest with them now.
Robin was a lot more focused and a lot less careless now that he could keep tabs on her whereabouts and, especially, now that she was away from Gisborne. So Marian's presence was good for all of them.
Still, Djaq was used to men. In one way or another, her whole life had been lived in a man's world. A world of science, of logic and of war. It was a world into which she fit nicely.
Men did not ask what you were thinking. They did not intrude when you were introspective or quiet and then try to cheer you up and make it all better.
Hell, they barely noticed a change in mood unless you shouted or threw something at them. And men most certainly did not share their feelings.
"Well, that doesn't make it any easier, does it?" Marian asked gently, seemingly determined to dissect the matter thoroughly. "You...care for him."
The last statement was voiced as a cross between a question and an accusation. At least that's how Djaq perceived it. The hesitation with which it was said was what grabbed her attention.
She wasn't exactly certain what was being implied and she did not like it.
"Of course. As I care for all of them. Should I stop caring because he has made a grave error in judgment? Should I write him off as the others have done?" Djaq was becoming angry and she inhaled deeply and steadied herself.
She had had nearly this same conversation with Will and Much, both separately and together, several times recently. They were incredulous that she could still defend Allan after all that he had done and was still doing.
It did not matter how many times she tried to explain that she was not defending what he had done, she was simply not giving up on him.
Still, Djaq rarely, if ever, lost her temper and she would not allow recent events to change that. Within a second she had regained control and looked over at Marian for the first time since arriving at the stream.
"You...don't have..." Marian began but could not meet Djaq's eyes and turned her head to look out at the water instead. "...special feelings for him?" She sounded as if she could not quite believe this were possible.
Aha! Now everything clicked in Djaq's mind. How could she have been so blind and foolish? Her previous conversations with Will and Much took on a whole new meaning when viewed in this context.
So! The common belief was that, if she defended the idea that Allan was still a good man, then she must be in love with him. Could these English really have such a limited view of human relationships?
She was tempted to ignore the question. It was none of Marian's or anyone else's business and she really preferred to keep her personal matters...well, personal.
But she knew that no answer would be taken as confirmation and she wanted to put an end to these false speculations at once.
"Special feelings, Marian? Is that the English translation of love?" She smirked. "Allan and I are...were comrades. We were friends and he still means a great deal to me. As I have said before, I still have hope that he will see the error of his ways and find a way back. That is all there is."
Marian said nothing as she seemed to be considering Djaq's response. Considering the matter closed, Djaq turned to the herbs and began stuffing them into her pouch as she said in a deliberately lighter tone, "We should be getting back. Are you ready?"
Djaq rose, brushed herself off, and started walking back towards the camp. Marian was still lost in thought and was a bit slower in getting moving. As the two women made their way through the trees, Marian tentatively resumed her questioning.
"So then what about Will? Is he a comrade too?"
This time the implication was clear. Djaq knew exactly what Marian was asking and why. Djaq herself had seen the look in Will's eyes when he spoke to her. She had seen the way that he kept a concerned eye on her in battle.
His feelings for her were written all over his face. She was pretty sure that he'd had...What was the English term? Oh yes...special feelings for her for quite a while.
Djaq noticed that Marian actually took a big step away from her as the question left her lips, as if she were afraid that she had gone a little too far this time.
And, in truth, the question did make Djaq's heart thud so loudly that she was glad for that extra distance between them, so sure was she that it could be heard.
But she was a master at concealing her emotions, so she calmly continued walking, keeping pace with her companion and allowing no change in expression to cross her face. She did not, however, give any answer.
There was no simple answer. And Will was a topic she was sure she could never be at ease discussing openly. She did not even give any indication that she had heard Marian's question.
She was certain that she saw a smile dance across Marians lips, but she ignored it and they walked on in silence.
She could not deny, to herself at least, that there was a part of her that found his esteem flattering. No, flattered was not the correct term for what she felt. In truth, part of her was deeply touched that a man who was so inherently good would settle his heart on her.
However, she cursed that part of herself often. That tiny foolish piece of her heart that had been sparked by him months earlier and that now fluttered and thumped madly when she caught his eye.
She knew, without a doubt, that there could be no future for her with a man like that. She knew that, even if she had been the kind of woman who fell in love and indulged in romantic fantasies, she could never trust her heart to such a man as Will Scarlett.
Oh, she knew that he would never deliberately hurt her in any way. Far from it. A promise from him was something you could bank on. He was as honorable as the day was long.
But she had seen first hand the way in which he viewed the world. He put people into one of two categories: good or evil. Everything was either black or white with him.
And Djaq was nothing if not gray. She had learned early on to take people as they come, the good with the bad. Herself included.
Will expected everyone to strive for perfection the way that he did. And, she had to admit, there was not a better man alive. Although Will would be the first to deny it.
But she had no desire to be perfect. She never had. She would not spend her life beating herself up over every misstep the way that he did. She was who she was and she made no apologies.
But she knew that when Will looked at her, all he saw were her strengths. He loved her and saw her as something precious and perfect.
He believed in love the same way he believed in truth and justice. As one universally accepted idea. No wiggle room. No compromise. No half way.
He was blinded by what he felt for her and could not see her flaws. And she knew how he regarded flaws. They were unacceptable to him.
He could not see that imperfections are what makes one unique. That they can even be beautiful.
She had watched him, on many an evening, quietly whittling a piece of wood that he had picked up at some point throughout the day. He would sometimes spend hours gently stripping away a sliver at a time until something beautiful emerged.
Then he would examine his work closely and, more often than not, find some tiny imperfection that no one else could see and discard it as if it were trash. Just toss it aside without a second thought. All of that time and effort and concentrated care gone in the blink of an eye.
Just look at his reaction to Allan's betrayal, she told herself. He would not even agree to hear Allan's side of things. He was simply done with him. The man had been as close to him as his real brother, perhaps more so, and yet he could shut him out without so much as a look back.
So she had already made up her mind that she would not love him. It would not make sense to do so. It was a risk she was simply unwilling to take.
She had never been a gambler and she she would not begin by gambling her heart away on a man who had her on a pedestal from which she would surely fall eventually.
A man who would one day wake up and see her for who she truly was and view her with as much scorn as he'd shown for something he had created with his own two hands. Or worse, try to whittle her into someone she wasn't and could never be.
So as she and Marian approached the camp, Djaq steeled herself and tucked her feelings for Will deep down where they belonged. Just as she had always done with thoughts and emotions she deemed useless and in the way.
A weaker woman might have mourned the loss of what could never be, but not her. No. She was far too practical for regrets.
And as she strolled into the hidden shelter and began to store her herbs, business as usual, she was confident in her conviction that there would never come a day in which she would be tempted to open her heart to him.
That, at least, she could be sure of.