Remember To Feel Real

If you haven't read, The Bench At The End Of The Sidewalk, you need to go do that now, otherwise this story will make no sense to you. It's okay, go read it now, I promise we'll be waiting for you when you're done.

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie and no other, not even me, no matter what the press tells you. Today's song is Remember To Feel Real by Armor For Sleep.

BPOV

It had been two months, two days, two hours and two minutes since I had returned to Forks and I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was surrounded by Noah's Ark rejects with the way everyone around me was paired up. Everywhere I went, everywhere I looked, there were couples in love and it was just too much. I was fairly certain I was dangerously close to spontaneously combusting.

Since my return to Forks things had been, tense. The news that Edward and I were not getting back together had left the family stunned. I guess they had just assumed that because the Volturi were gone we could have our storybook ending but real life just doesn't happen that way.

These days Carlisle and Esme were arguing more often, Emmett was less jovial, Japer was getting overprotective, Rosalie was even bitchier if possible, and even Alice was fairly subdued. I wasn't really sure about Edward and Bree as I was avoiding them like the plague. Well actually, I was avoiding Edward like the plague and since Bree followed him around like his damn shadow I had almost no contact with her either and I wasn't complaining.

I knew when I returned to Forks that things would be different. How could they not be? After Jacob's death and the events that transpired while in Italy change was unavoidable. What I hadn't expected was the alienation and emotional detachment I was experiencing. I knew that I loved my parents, my family, and Edward but I was having a hard time feeling, well much of anything really.

I can't be certain but it seems like something similar to the effect Novocain has on humans, I was simply numb. The feeling was nothing like what Jasper could do. Each time Jasper had used his influence to subdue me, I had sunk into a state of numbness but it was more comforting, more warm somehow. The numbness I was subjected to now was nothing of the sort. It was so cold and so harsh that it was almost painful.

Many times I found myself questioning whether or not all of this was real or just some incredibly strange and strikingly vivid dream. At this point I wouldn't have been surprised to find that I was still laying on my deathbed in Coldbath Field hospital, hallucinating. The only time I really felt anything, other than frustrated and stifled, the only time I actually felt real, was when I hunted, when the monster within me came out to play.

The first time I had hunted, after returning from my hiatus in the sea, the monster inside of me had broken free but I had been able to rein it back in with Jasper's assistance. Now things had changed. Every time I hunted the monster came out to play and it was getting harder and harder for me to stay in control. What was most disconcerting was the fact that I wasn't entirely certain that I wanted to be the one in control. The monster didn't feel hurt, it didn't love, and it didn't care about anything other than survival and the hunt. It was the one time some part of myself was truly free.

I had been feeding alone, almost daily, for weeks and as I did so the old Bella had begun to slip farther and farther away. In her place was left a much rawer, far more volatile, version.

I had begun hunting alone because when the monster reared its ugly head, I didn't want anyone around for fear that I would attack without warning. Sadly, my worries weren't unjustified. Since quenching the fire of my bloodlust the first time flames in my throat had grown in ferocity, demanding to be fed constantly. That is why, almost five weeks ago, I found myself agreeing to a hunt with Jasper and Alice. I was confident that Jasper could tame the monster if needed and Alice would see any problems before they arose so I didn't think twice about allowing Alice to accompany us. It was a terrible mistake that I will regret for eternity.

Once I caught the scent of blood the monster had again broken free of its shackles with a roar and attacked a poor elk with such ferocity that the first bite beheaded the animal completely. After draining the carcass, the monster had lusted for more blood to cool the ever raging inferno. Alice, thinking it was done, had happily approached while Jasper was distracted. Her approach startled the monster enough to cause it to attack.

Alice was taken completely by surprise and was nearly beheaded for her intrusion. Jasper, having heard her screams and felt her terror, arrived just in time to see his baby sister sink her teeth into his fiancée's neck and begin tearing wildly at her stone flesh. Thinking quickly he had rushed at the monster from behind, knocking Alice out of its grasp before its shield was thrown up defensively.

Alice had been lucky, another moment longer and she would have been torn to shreds. It had taken over an hour for me to control the monster enough to lower my shield and allow Jasper to help calm me down, twice as long as it had any time before.

After Jasper calmed me down and Alice convinced me that she wasn't mad, she and Jasper managed to talk me out of leaving and brought me back to the house. When the story was retold in explanation of Alice's injuries I was met with fresh looks of horror. No one could believe I would do such a thing, let alone to Alice, myself least of all. I knew I was a monster, I just hadn't known to what extent.

After the attack I had begun to hunt alone, unable to stomach the thought of hurting someone else. Even when I was home I purposely isolated myself from the rest of the family and was met very little resistance. No one wanted to admit that they were scared of me but I knew they were. It seemed that even Edward had begun to look at me differently.

The wide berth everyone afforded me was both wanted and hurtful. I no longer felt like a part of the family, I didn't deserve to be. I couldn't even bring myself to call Esme and Carlisle Mom and Dad any longer even though I knew it hurt them. I justified it by reminding myself that I was simply a dangerous burden, a shell of the girl they once called their daughter.

My entire personality had changed. No longer was I the calm, more responsible one. Now I was irrational and easily provoked, lashing out at anyone that rubbed me the wrong way. Bree wouldn't come anywhere near me, not that I'm complaining, for fear I would lash out at her as I had been whenever she would come to close. I should wear a sign around my neck that says 'Don't poke the bear'.

"Knock knock," drawled a honeyed voice from the doorway of my new room. "May I enter Miss Bella?" Jasper asked. I tore my eyes away from making shapes of the paint swirls on the ceiling long enough to turn my head and nod.

Once I had returned and found Bree living in my room I had laid claim to the attic. It was ironic really, only a few months before Jasper had locked me in the attic to avoid Edward and now I had voluntarily done the same thing. The attic was peaceful, quiet. Residing several floors above most of the house's other occupants had its advantages, the biggest one being that it was much harder to accidentally run into Edward. I had taken to coming and going through the attic window so I was almost never found roaming the lower levels as I once had.

Jasper glided to where I had sprawled myself out on the dusty attic floor and settled himself into a similar position to my own. He placed his hands behind his head and waited a moment before turning his shaggy head to face me and speaking again.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

I closed my eyes for a moment before responding. "I'm lost Jazz. I can't be who everyone wants me to be, at least not right now, and I'm not sure what to do next," I explained, unafraid that anyone would overhear my confession since they had all left for a 'family hunt' earlier in the day. I had of course not been invited.

Jasper pursed his lips and turned his face back toward the ceiling. "I've been there myself more than a few times," he admitted.

I bobbed my head in understanding. Jasper had always struggled with our diet more than the rest of us I knew he had wondered more than a few times if it was all worth it. It was something I had never really understood, until now.

"Maybe you should head up to Denali. You know, go on vacation," he suggested.

I shook my head. "No thanks Jazz. I have my fill of sickeningly happy couples right here. I don't need to witness firsthand Tanya and Riley's exploration of their new relationship."

"You're right," he admitted with a wince, "I'm sorry, I didn't think. I know it has been hard for you and I can't help feeling responsible. What with me and Alice …"

"No, please Jazz, don't. You and Alice are great, I'm really happy for you, truly. It's just … ugh I don't know … too much sometimes, you know?" He looked guilty so I quickly explained no need for anyone else to be miserable. "I'm just jealous that I can't have that. I know Alice and Esme would disagree but I can't pretend nothing has changed between Edward and I."

"For what it's worth, I agree with what you're doin'," he said solemnly.

"You do?" I asked, astounded. No one in my family seemed to really understand or support my decision not to jump back into Edward's waiting arms, even Carlisle. Heck, the only times anyone had approached me lately was to try and convince me to take Edward back. No one seemed to respect the fact that my decision not to take him back was due to the fact that he had hurt me, lied to me, and been a catalyst in Jacob's death as well as my transformation into the monster I had become as of late. All they could see was what they thought was best for me, urging me just to forgive and forget.

"Of course I do. Sure, I wish you were as happy as I am but I'm glad you've held your ground and stayed strong instead of just giving in. I'm really proud of you Goldie, you've got moxie. Make that Yank work for your trust. Hell, he may love you," I opened my mouth to protest but Jasper ignored me and kept talking. "Don't try to argue, I know for a fact he does but that doesn't change anything in my book. He deserves whatever you dish out as well as one hell of a beating for what he did to you. I can't imagine myself doing what he did with Bree and ever thinking Alice should understand, let alone forgive me for it."

"Er, thanks Jazz," I replied lamely, not quite sure of what to say to him.

"Sure thing Bells. Now what are we gonna do with you darlin'? Bein' around this mess sure ain't helpin' you any."

Sighing dejectedly I rolled to my side and propped my head up with my arm so I could face him better. "I don't know Jazz, I really don't. All I know is that I can't take this much longer. I'm a pariah in my own home. I'm terrified that I won't be able to control the monster much longer, no one can even look at me anymore, and Bree … well don't even get me started."

"Now Bella, you know we all love you, no matter what and we all want you here, well except for Bree but I think the feeling is mutual?" He asked with a smirk. I nodded vehemently. I was so close to taking down that pest once and for all. In my book Bree Tanner was an endangered species, soon to be an extinct one if she didn't watch herself. "But I understand why you feel this way," he continued. "Every time I've slipped, I've felt the same way but you've always been there for me and I promise to do the same for you. As for your control over your impulses, I agree, they are getting harder to control and I can't help but wonder if some part of you doesn't want to give in."

For a brief moment I was terrified that Jasper had gained mind reading abilities before I remembered that he was just extremely perceptive. After a moment of internal debate I decided to admit it. Jasper was my closest confidant, now that Jacob was gone, and no one would understand better than he would.

"I do," I whispered, hiding my face behind a veil of hair in shame.

"Hey now," he admonished gently, "no need to hide that pretty face. Don't forget who you're talkin' to here darlin'. I know how it feels to let go, to give yourself over to the power and freedom. I spent almost a century livin' like that and let me tell you," he dropped his voice, "if it weren't for the things I did for Maria and this damn gift, I never would have stopped. I would be a hypocrite if I told you not to give it a go. I think you've reached your breaking point Bells and it's going to come out one way or another. Wouldn't it be better if it were on your terms?"

My mouth hung open in response to his admission. Was Jasper actually telling me it would be okay if I let the monster take over completely, at least for awhile? "Jazz, are you actually suggesting I just, stop fighting it?" I asked in disbelief.

He shrugged nonchalantly before getting up and walking to the door, "I guess I am."

He was right of course, Jasper usually was. I was so sick of being treated with kid gloves, sick of trying so hard and I had reached my breaking point. The monster was only getting stronger. There was no way I could continue pretending to be someone that no longer existed. It wasn't fair to anyone, especially not to me.

I continued to stare in the direction of his retreating form for a moment longer before I flopped onto my back and threw my arm over my eyes. I needed to think about what he had just said and there was a lot to think about.

Downstairs I could hear movement, voices, and laugher. Apparently the family hunting trip was over. It was strange to realize that I was no longer counted as a member of the family, even by Carlisle and Esme, having not even been invited along. It's not like I would have said yes but it's the thought that counts and it was blatantly obvious that no one really wanted me around any longer. I lay silently on the cool attic floor for awhile longer, mulling over my conversation with Jasper before I realized that I had already made up my mind.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Hey, thanks for joining me with this new chapter of Bella and Edward's lives! I just wanted to start out by apologizing for not posting this last week when I finished The Bench but it really needed to be tweaked. Anyway it's up now and I hope you enjoyed it. The next chapter, The End Of A Fraud, will be up next week so keep your eyes peeled. As always please review and let me know what you think, your questions and comments are always appreciated!

XOXO,

Bellarella