Chapter one-Dawn
Whoever said that it is better to have loved once and lost than never loved at all must have been out of their minds. To have your heart ripped out your chest the week before your 18th birthday haunts me still every day. I dream about him every night. In my dreams he still loves me. He still looks at me with his warm chocolate eyes and says, "I love you and I can't wait to fly home and be with you." But it is all a lie and when I wake up my heart remembers that it is over. My breath shallows and I begin the daily task of wiping away silent tears before I lose it yet again.
"Rise and shine. Time to get up and get to work Dawn" Mom says walking past my room. I mumble something back acknowledging that I am awake, but really what she doesn't know is I have been awake for an hour before her wakeup call writing emails to Andrew I know I will never send. I click on the delete key one letter at a time watching the words disappear until I stare at a completely blank screen. Wiping away my tears, I get up and wash my face. I look at my red rimmed blue eyes in the bathroom mirror and wonder when will I be able to function like a normal person again?..
Reflecting back, I realise that my life has been a constant stream of changes. I have spent my whole life moving around the world. My father works in marketing and his skills are needed worldwide (apparently). When we moved to England, for yet another new position of his, my parents decided to put me in another private school. This private school catered for international students from around the world it was small but beautiful. Moving to a school like this was good for me as it was filled with kids all used to being dragged around the world by parents. Kids whose parents were in the army, high flyer executives and ambassadors children from their home countries made up the content of the community at the school. The school was built in a converted manor house. The rooms all created a sense of old world wonder with intricate borders on the ceilings and stained glass windows. I loved mixing with people from around the world. In our school, we found one place where we made our own community. Instead of the usual jocks or the geeks or the druggies, we had cultural groups and occasionally, these mixed allowing for glimpses into a world we never even knew existed. I guess my parents wanted me to experience 'quality' and this in their eyes meant people with money and experiences as crazy as my own. This time, they were right. I loved going to school even more than I did being at home.
On my first day at the new school I saw him and he absolutely drew me in with his good looks, his extrovert personality and his larger than life persona at school. He didn't even know I existed for the first year I was at the school and being a year above me, I got to look from afar. I found out everything I could about him. His name was Andrew and he had moved here from New York with his parents and younger brother. He loved sports and played basketball, soccer and baseball. He liked going clubbing in London with his friends. He constantly had a girlfriend all of whom he wooed and won over with his charm and then left them heartbroken and distraught when he moved on a couple months later. Despite this, when he dated his girlfriends, he was pure charm. They received flowers, love notes, attention that they wanted and above all a 'hot as' boyfriend! I would watch from afar with my best friend Cailyn scowling at me and telling me daily to get over it but I couldn't help it, I was drawn to him and desperately wanted to be with him.
One summer, I housed a girl from a neighbouring school who was visiting our school for a basketball tournament. Andrew was interested in her and because of this, we became friends. I slowly worked my butt off to make him see me as something other than a friend. I made sure I brushed my straight long brown hair and left it to hang loosely down my back. I bought short skirts and heels and took extra care with my make up every time we went out together. It took some time, but finally, one night after clubbing in London, I made my feelings known by literally throwing myself at him. I am not sure what he thought of that, but before he had the chance to change his mind, I had him hooked! The last six months of his senior year with me was bliss. We were the 'golden couple' and I felt like the 'queen' of the school. For some reason, as I always believed it would, Andrew and I got pretty serious and he actually stayed interested in me instead of looking elsewhere! At the back of my mind, I always knew that Andrew would go back home after he finished school. I remember the day he left like it was yesterday because on that day he took a piece of me with him…...
I come back to my reflection in the mirror. I go closer and inspect the fine sprinkling on freckles on my face God how I hate those! My blue eyes stare back at me slightly puffy and red. I wash my face and tie back my long brown hair; I want it off my face. As I do this, I remember back to the day just before my summer break started. The last real summer I knew how to feel happy. I remember walking to my locker, books in hand, my buddy Cailyn next to me talking endlessly about her college application. Andrew had left the term before for University but I knew he was due back at the end of the week.
"Dawn, can you believe we only have a couple more weeks to go and then we are out of here?" Cailyn was off to college in the good old U.S. She was leaving and couldn't wait. I remember thinking how odd this was as her boyfriend Chris still lived here and had no plans to move anywhere else. I remember thinking if I could swap places with her and have Andrew close by, there is no way in hell I would be going anywhere! I was also thinking how much I was going to miss her and her endless honesty and support.
"So, you decided what you are doing yet?" Cailyn asked me (yet again). She had known my folks had sat me down at the beginning of my senior year and had asked me repeatedly what I wanted to do after school. I knew my Dad didn't think I was smart enough to go to college and I also knew that my Mom wanted me to stay close by. Not having money or many options, I had no real idea. I had decided (with the college counsellor sighing in my ear) that I would go to a photography introduction course to learn how to work a camera professionally (as this was my one passion). The course was only a year long so I knew if I did it, I could then move closer to Andrew sooner.
"Actually yes" I had replied cockily. "I am going to study photography and then I am moving in with Andrew and going to find a job there."
"Does he know this?" she had said looking at me sceptically.
"Um, no not yet. This is something I want to tell him to his face BUT as we want to be together sooner rather than have to wait four years by the time I finish college, I am sure he will be over the moon." I had replied pushing my hair out of my eyes.
"Great, well good luck with that" Cailyn said to me looking up ahead and then giving me a funny smile. "Maybe you will get the chance to tell him sooner than you think" she mumbled smiling coyly and then waving goodbye as she headed off to her next class.
"What? Wait. He is not due back until the end of the week" I had said to her back but then I looked up and stopped dead. There standing by my locker, my eyes instantly drawn to his was Andrew. His big body filled the space around him making everyone who had stopped to welcome him back fade away. His beautiful eyes smiled warmly at me and his gorgeous brown hair had been cut differently from when I last saw him so that it curled just above his ears. He looked larger than life. I dropped everything and started running toward him not stopping until I was right in front of him. I jumped up at him wrapping my body around him. He swooped me up and started kissing me all over. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. I was home.
Chapter 2-Dawn
That summer I got to go home with him to New York. It was my first time in the states and I fell in love with everything. I tried New York style hot dogs for the first time. I went to a baseball game. I visited the lake house and all the time I was there I planned the rest of my life. I made love with Andrew every night trying to bring him closer to me, with me. We tried to hide it from his parents but they must have known. Andrew even took me to his college and bought me a college sweatshirt to make me feel a part of his world. I met his new friends and tried not to die of jealousy. Andrew knew everyone and everyone everywhere always loved him back (just like at school). I saw the girls checking him out constantly. How could they not, he was gorgeous. My insecurities screamed back at me and I tried, I really did, to push them back but by the end of the summer, when I knew I had to go back. Alone. I started the fights. I couldn't help it; it was like all my perseverance instincts kicked in. I wanted him for myself and I didn't want to leave. I wanted someone to fix this ache, but no one did and I knew, just knew, it was all going to come crumbling around my head.
"Jesus Dawn! Give me a break!" Andrew said when I asked him yet again, when I could move to New York with him.
"Babe, I love you but I am 19! I can't get married now. I am starting my second year at college and I am joining a fraternity for f's sake" he continued, wiping his hair off his face in frustration. "Look I will be in England this Christmas ok? Let's just take it one holiday at a time. We will work it out" he said as he grabbed me closer to his body.
I snuggled up to him placing my head on his chest and crying silently. "Ok, but don't forget me" I whimpered. I hated myself for being so weak but maybe in my heart of hearts, I knew this was the end. That day we lay on the floor and took stupid pictures with my camera holding it out in front of us and kissing and hugging and just being dicks. They were the last pictures I have with him.
I shake myself out of my daydream and get dressed I know that this perverse history lesson needs to stop, but I have no idea how to stop the camera rolling behind my eyes constantly. I throw on some black pants, a light pink blouse and some simple shoes for hitting the streets of London. My job is in London and I have to take the train for an hour to get there. I get dressed and run out the door as fast as I can. My parents don't really understand why I still can't get myself out of this hole I am stuck in. When Andrew dumped me they tried they really did but after a year, they have had enough and they expect me to snap out of it. I wish I could.
I have only just started my job as my photography course was a yearlong and although I have been a zombie throughout the year, it is the one ray of light that has kept me sane. I actually like working behind the camera. I capture other people's faces, thoughts and feelings and can use them to pretend that mine don't matter. I start to feel like I have a purpose. I get on the train and find a seat amongst the people all dressed in their suits off to work. I close my eyes and drift back to the day I died.
"Honey, it's Andrew on the phone" my Mom had called to me. I grabbed the extension in my room.
"Hi" I said into the handset breathlessly "think you will remember this call?" I said laughingly remembering his call when he woke up the whole family and was drunk after a big fraternity party. He had even fallen asleep talking to me I remembered fondly.
"Hi back" he had said, but he sounded off, not quite right.
"My 18th birthday is next week, you going to surprise me?" I said with a smile in my voice trying to get the conversation flowing better.
"Um, yeah of course" he had said sounding distracted. "So I am calling about the Christmas break" he continued but then stopped.
After an awkward pause he continued "I am not sure I want to come." My heart stopped. I mean literally I died right then.
"What?" is all I could say.
"Well, we haven't been getting on so well lately with you being all jealous and angry all the time and the frat boys and I were thinking about a Christmas break somewhere together. BUT I think maybe I should come there and then we can see if we can work it out or something" he quickly added.
"Andrew. Do you still love me?" I asked in a small voice, hating my weakness and wishing I could just tell him to piss off.
"I really don't know" he slowly replied back.
"Well then, unless you are sure. Don't waste your parent's money flying back." I said finally losing it and then I wanted to crawl down the line and take the words back as I knew before he even said a word, what he would say. I knew I had finally given him his out.
"Ok. Then I think I will stay here. Sorry" he said sounding more relieved that actually sorry.
"Ok. I have to go. Bye" I stumbled tears already streaming down my face as I hung up.
I remember throwing the phone. My parents startled expressions and my screaming. Then I remember nothing except the loneliness and emptiness around me. I remember my birthday through a haze of pain. The flowers that arrived from Andrew giving me mock hope that his call was all a joke. This was my surprise I wonder? But nothing changed, no call, no letter, no emails. He was gone.
I open my eyes and get more comfortable on the train. It is filling up fast and I look around to make sure that there isn't some old lady who needs the seat more than me. After a year of taking the train in to London, I know that most of the people on it won't move for anyone. Space is a luxury on the morning train into town. Usually we are all stuck together like glue all trying not to stand on each other or look each other in the eyes. England is my physical home and has been for over three years now but I still like a visitor. I have no sense of belonging to this place or with the people. My accent is different, my style is wrong and I just don't 'feel' British. I have no sense of identity and wish I could just fade away. No one looks like they need my seat so I return back to the nightmare that has become my life.
That Christmas I remember praying every day that Andrew would realize his mistake and surprise me again, like he did in the summer. He doesn't. Cailyn is back in the States and so far removed from my world now, that I don't call her. I can't, she would only tell me that she "told me so" from the day she knew I was interested in Andrew! Instead I hang out with Chris her (ex) boyfriend who stayed here. He and his friends take me out regularly (probably out of pity). It falls into a pathetic pattern where we go clubbing, I get wasted and then fall upon the first guy I can find. I guess it's because I hope that they can fill my emptiness but they can't and all I can feel is dirty and empty the next morning. I wonder when I stopped loving myself too? BUT the next weekend, I am back for more and this just goes on and on until I feel completely numb. Eventually I stop. Not because I want to but because Chris stops letting me tag along. I guess he starts to get embarrassed and possibly fed up of babysitting me.
I realize that I have no one left. Even at the photography college, the dark cloud hovering over my head is a beacon to all to STAY AWAY. Depression makes you learn who your friends really are but I can't blame them, I hate my maudlin ways even more than them. I used to be the life of the party at school. You know the girl who hangs out with all the guys but has good girlfriends too. The girl who is athletic, can drink most boys under the table and who can laugh and joke through it all. This is the girl I miss. This is the girl I lost when I let Andrew break me.
Ok enough. I try and sit up straighter and look out of the window. I see the landscape change from golf courses and farmer's fields to apartment blocks and warehouses. I know I am getting closer to London so I get up and stand closer to the doors pressing my forehead to the cool windows. I know that they probably have enough germs on them to kill me, but I don't care, I need to clear my head. Luckily today the train hasn't been delayed because of icy tracks or swans sitting on the railway lines!
I arrive at work and go through the motions. When the day ends I go home. Have dinner with my family ensuring I smile at the right times and talk when necessary. Then I go into my room, shut the door and die all over again.
"Dawn" I think to myself, 'this is your pathetic life".
Chapter Three-Michael
Sometimes I pretend that I have no family and that I am surrounded just by the things I like. I imagine my life if I shared a flat with Dave. We would go to work, spend the day pissing about, come home, get changed and go out to the pub to drink beer and hang out with our mates. We would talk about soccer and who is at the top of the league then we would crawl home, eat fish and chips and play X-box. Sadly, I not only have a family, but a massive one and sometimes I think I am the only one that actually gives a shit about them.
"Mikey, you coming to weed this bed or you going to day dream all day?" Dave yells over at me.
I snap out of it and get busy. I love working on this estate. The grounds are so beautiful with English plants all over it from roses to fox gloves and beds of lavender. Huge Oak trees and sculptures are scattered all over this property and I love that we have visitors coming from around the world to look at the beauty here. While we work I often see deer hiding in some of the beds. The second they hear us, they pounce away going to find another hiding spot. Sometimes when I am working, I can see Little Owls hiding in the trees fast asleep and I try to get as close as I can before they spot me and disappear. I never tell anyone here how I feel about the nature I see around me, they would just think I am gay and give me shit. Dave, I think, has some idea as he is the one who works closest with me but he never says a word to me about it.
"So did you watch the game last night" Dave shouts over to me.
"Yes f-ing Chelsea, can't believe they lost that penalty' I reply back. This is Dave and I at our best. We have known each other since our families moved on the council estate together when I was ten. We always just talk shit but I know we have each other's backs.
We finish up at 5pm and head home together. I go with Dave as I don't quite have enough money to buy my own car yet. I am close to getting the car I want off my sister's boyfriend, Jack, but I have to spend money on food for the family and I just can't seem to get that last two hundred pounds that I need. We get to the council flats and Dave parks in his usual spot. We live in a small village about a half an hour out of London. Our village has grown over the years with a small grocery shop, butchers, pub and Chinese take-away's just down our road. Our side of the village is all council flats and houses, the side across from the shops is 'millionaire row' where all the snotty Londoner's move to be close enough to get to work in London on the M25, but far enough away to live in the beautiful countryside.
"See you tomorrow mate' Dave says patting me on the back and then heading into his house.
I walk to our home and before I get to open the door, I hear the tell-tale sound of the telly blaring. Great, mum's home, I sigh thinking to myself.
"Hi everyone" I call coming in and chucking off my work boots and keys.
"Did you buy milk?" my mum shouts back.
"Mum, I've been at work, why didn't you get it?" I reply going into the lounge. I see Carrie, Ben and Ash, my younger brothers and sister all sitting on the floor with a piece of paper between them and a pencil which Carrie is using to draw. I go over to all three of them and kiss them on their heads. I then walk over to my mum to kiss her too but she waves me away.
"Ah Mikey, I've been brushed off my feet" she sighs dramatically. I look around at the mess around me. Clothes are all over the floor, the dishes are piled up all on the sideboard. I can only imagine the state of the kitchen.
"Yeah I can see that" I deadpan.
Mum points her finger and me and starts to get mad, "Don't get uppity with me Mikey, you know how weak I am." Her words make me feel bad. I know she has been through hell and back. I guess buying milk is not such a big deal.
"Ok, mum, I am sorry. I'll go to the shops and be back in five." I look over at my siblings.
"Hey you want to come with me?" I ask them. They all jump up and come to me. I go and find them some shoes and some clean-ish tops and off we go. We have to go through the park to get to the shops down the road. I stop and let the kids have a play. I love hearing them giggle and laugh and I realize, I just don't hear it enough.
When we get home I start to pick up the house. I hate all the stuff lying around and know that if I leave it, it will just get worse. When I am done, I open a tin of baked beans and heat them up in the microwave. I spoon enough for Carrie, Ben and Ash and give it to them in a small bowl in the lounge. I wish there was more food, but there is none. Mum looks up at me and then I notice her eyes.
"Mum" I whisper at her so the kids won't hear "are you stoned?"
"Ah come on Mikey" she whines, "You know it helps me feel better." With that her head rolls back and she starts drifting away. I want to shake her awake but I know it is no good. I guess I will be the one putting the kids to bed. I hear the door open and I brace myself but it is just Sarah, my older sister.
"Ah for F's sake!" she shouts when she sees mum. I glare at her and point to our younger siblings. She rolls her eyes at me but just stalks off to her room. I know that she has no sympathy for my mum and I know that the second Jack lets her move in; she'll be out of here.
I help the kids to tidy up and then I wipe them down and get them into their bed. I kiss them lightly on their heads and close the door behind me. I go into my room and fall onto my bed. I am asleep in five seconds. I don't even take off my clothes.
11