Author's Note: Omg! Not-KH! This just half started forming in my head. Lupin has been one of my favorite characters since he was introduced and the more I think about him the more I love him. This is just sort of his reflections on major events from Lily and James' death to his finding that Sirius was innocent. I wrote this while I was kind of tired so it probably has bits that don't make any sense. Still, I hope you enjoy. Please comment!
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
Wolfish Reflections
It's amazing how everything can be swept away from you in one night.
Well, I guess that wasn't the truth, but that was how it felt, and that was what I thought for twelve longs years.
Life had never been easy for me, being what I am, but I had always felt that I could get through it as long as I had those three friends of mine by my side. The four of us could do anything, face anything. There was always someone to talk with, to laugh with.
When we got out of school things were the same. I had difficulty with everything because of my condition, that furry little problem of mine, but I still got through it all. I still had my three best friends. The four of us, marauding even now in our adult lives, could take on whatever life threw at us.
That was what I had thought.
I guess I was wrong.
It's amazing how everything can be swept away from you by one man.
I remember the night with vivid clarity. Halloween. I was in my apartment, reading a copy of the Daily Prophet, looking for a job when an owl fluttered through my window. The letter it held was simple. Three sentences.
"He found Lily and James. Harry lived. He has disappeared."
I could hardly believe my eyes, but what else could this mean? Such loss. I won't lie, I wept. I lost myself and broke down. The next morning, I decided I had to go meet with my other two friends, see how in the world it all could have happened. There had to be some comfort in meeting them. What more could be taken away from me?
Life has a funny way of answering those questions.
Just before I left another owl brought my morning edition of the Prophet and there was the story, there was the headline in bold black letters.
"Pettigrew Killed Along with Several Muggles
Black Imprisoned for the Murders"
I had lost everything. Everything! In less than twenty-four hours my three best friends had all been taken from me. I didn't think I could make it any farther. What was left if not my friends?
I think it was Sirius who hurt me the most. The other two had been killed but Sirius… it had been his fault. He had betrayed them. Betrayed us. Betrayed me. How? It just didn't make sense but it was.
It was the first time I seriously considered suicide. When I had been younger, the thought had danced fleetingly across my mind because of what I was, but it had never been more than a vague thought.
But now…
Now I started brewing the poison. It was a rather complex one, but I wanted it to be something that acted quickly and without mercy. I had almost finished when Dumbledore showed up.
He seemed to know that I would try something so stupid and cowardly. He talked me out of it. I'm glad he did.
Years passed. Deep wounds healed, but they left scars, and they still hurt sometimes. I made myself keep going, though. Everyday I found a reason, every night I was still alive.
And then came that fateful year.
A job was open at Hogwarts, and I got it. Me! And then came the news of Sirius's escape. I was reminded of how I had betrayed Dumbledore's trust back all those years ago. I was reminded how I was still indirectly doing so. It hurt. I remembered how much I had had. How much I had lost.
Time went on. I convinced myself that I wasn't hurting anything. The pain started to fade. And then term started, and I met Harry.
Every time I saw him, I remembered. Every time I thought of what had been. I hope it never showed. Little things he did made me think of James. And of course he was Prongs's spitting image.
Then that day came when I helped Harry out of a tight spot with Snape. He had found the Map. The Marauder's Map. When I had seen it, a thousands things had come flooding back to me. Those four names together on the top almost overwhelmed me. But I had to keep my focus.
That evening, after everything was cleared up, I stared at the Map for hours. Little things I had forgotten about I suddenly remembered. It was bittersweet. I'm not sure which outweighed the other.
Time passed. Then came that day, the day when Hagrid's hippogriff was to be executed. I watched the map as Harry and his friends went down to the cabin, and when they left, I could hardly believe it.
Peter was with them!
If I was to be perfectly honest with myself, Peter was not my favorite out of my three friends. For a moment I almost felt bad that of all of the friends I could have gotten back it was Peter. Then I felt sick. I had to find out what was going on.
Then Sirius entered the picture. I had to do something. So I left, I went to go save Peter. Something was wrong, though, when I caught up with everyone at the Shrieking Shack. When I looked into Sirius's eyes I could see the hollow look the Azkaban had given him, but there was nothing evil there. I had seen evil eyes before, and those were not them. Something was wrong. I had missed something important.
I would figure it out.
For now, Peter. But when I saw that he was still transformed things started clicking. Peter was alive, but he had never shown himself to be. That made no sense. If Peter had survived and Sirius taken away, it should be fine and safe for him to come back. Why hadn't he?
But what if… what if it wasn't safe? What if he was hiding? But what did Peter have to hide from? What did he do? Unless… unless it was Peter. Unless they had switched the Secret Keeper without telling me. Unless they had thought that I was Voldemort's spy and they hadn't told me.
It all made sense!
Sirius would never have betrayed James. I had always known that in the back of my mind but the whole issue had been too painful for me to look into it any deeper. I had accepted it as it was, but now I saw how much had been wrong.
And now it all made sense.
And now I had Sirius back.