So I recently got back into The Mighty Boosh – my absolute favourite thing back when I was a carefree teenager, which has been cheering my up immensely now that I'm a sad and unemployed young adult – and, as usual, the only way I can really express how much I love a thing is with fanfiction. Fluffy, smutty fanfiction.
Fun fact: Howince was one of my first ever otps, and the subject of one of the first fanfics I ever published back when I was too embarrassed to publish actual smut on here. Oh, how times change.
Anyway, much like the wearing of a poncho, it is impossible to be unhappy when receiving reviews. So chuck some at me.
And as awesome as it would be, I do not own The Mighty Boosh. Owning Noel and Julian in my head doesn't count, apparently.
A Way With Words
It was a week before Valentine's Day, and Vince Noir was stressing out big time. This was going to be his first Valentine's Day as part of a proper couple, and he wanted to do it right. After all, if anyone deserved real, heartfelt romance it was jazz maverick and renowned cream poet, Howard TJ Moon.
Vince sat at the kitchen table, his raven black hair in a right state from raking his fingers through it so much. The table was a mess of crayons, felt tip pens, spilt glitter and construction paper. Vince had spent all morning making the perfect Valentine's card while Howard was down in the shop, but now he was stuck. The front of the card looked genius – he'd cut out lots of little pictures of trumpets and glued them onto the card to make the shape of a heart, in the middle of which was a little cartoon of Vince and Howard holding hands, and above the trumpet heart were the words 'Be My Valentine' written in red and silver glitter. It looked perfect. Vince just didn't know what to write inside it.
Vince didn't really have a way with words. That was more Howard's thing. He was the writer, the novelist, the jazz poet or whatever. Vince was expecting epic romantic poetry from Howard, something that would bring tears to his eyes. But Howard was the one who really deserved all that mushy stuff. Howard, who didn't like to be touched by anyone but Vince, who took such good care of Vince and rarely got anything in return, who always got the raw end of the deal, who was so used to being insulted that even when Vince paid him a compliment he assumed it was just a joke – this man was long overdue some adoration. But how in the name of Brian Christ was Vince supposed to put how he felt into words?
Vince decided to write a practice one before writing anything on the actual card, which turned out to be a very good idea on his part, as the scrunched up pieces of paper began to gather around his feet. He'd chewed up the end of his sparkly purple gel pen and bitten most of the black nail polish off his fingernails as he racked his brains.
Dear Howard... no, that was rubbish. Hey, Howard! No, that was terrible... Happy Valentine's Day, Howard, you sexy beast! Ugh, no, that was even worse. He was having a shocker. Why did he have to be so bad at this?
Vince was still trying to get his head around the fact that Howard Moon was his boyfriend now. The thought of Howard being anyone's boyfriend was, of course, hilarious. The man wasn't exactly alluring. He hadn't even kissed anyone until that surprise snog on the rooftop during his... ahem, 32nd birthday party, that kiss that had ended up being a hell of a lot more meaningful than Vince had intended. When Howard Moon made the leap across the physical boundary it really was forever, and Vince was a lot happier than his single brain cell could even begin to comprehend. They were in love, and it was genius.
Genius, but ridiculous, if you thought about it for too long, which Vince tried his best not to. They weren't exactly the most obvious couple in the world, were they? Howard was as far away from his type as it was possible to get. His wardrobe was a corduroy nightmare, a wonderland of dull roll neck jumpers and ugly muted Hawaiian shirts incorporating the entire spectrum of brown. He liked jazz, for God's sake, a genre of music so terrible that Vince was literally allergic to it. He read dull magazines like The Global Explorer, instead of decent publications like Cheekbone and Dazed & Confused and NME. He preferred to spend his evening faffing about with Stationary Village instead of going out to night clubs and having a laugh with cool people. Howard Moon was boring. But Vince wouldn't have his big jazzy freak any other way.
They'd been best friends for pretty much their whole lives, they were more comfortable around each other than Vince was with any of his cool Camden mates, so it was little wonder that people had called them a married couple long before they became actual boyfriends. Back in those days, Vince had been secretly pleased when he was called Howard's wife or girlfriend, even if the pronouns were a bit off. And at least nowadays Howard didn't have to correct them. It sounded nauseating, but Vince's chest went all fluttery thinking about Howard, thinking about being Howard's actual boyfriend. They were a couple now, imagine that!
Vince smiled to himself, thinking about the big Northern weirdo he was in love with. He was down in the shop now, probably trying to flog one of his moody jazz records to some unsuspecting Shoreditch trendy. Or doing the stock taking, whatever that was. If Howard was the one writing up a Valentine's card, he'd just be honest. He'd let his feelings out for all to see. Although not out loud, obviously. Howard was rubbish at talking about his feelings out loud, except when they were alone together, curled up in their brand new double bed that they'd replaced their two singles with. They could always be honest with each other then.
So that was it. Vince just had to be honest. Easy!
Finally it was Valentine's Day, and Vince had already nearly burned the flat down trying to make breakfast. Howard still smiled appreciatively as they tucked into their slightly charred bacon and eggs, looking pleased with himself as Vince cooed over the large tub of assorted pick'n'mix and the big bouquet of garishly bright, multicoloured flowers he'd just been given.
"Wow, there's everything in here! Even raspberry bootlaces! And these flowers are genius, Howard, thanks!"
"No problem, little man," said Howard, sipping his tea. "I saw them and I thought of you. Did you get me anything?"
"Of course I did!" said Vince earnestly. "I spent hours and hours making it, but I want it to be a surprise, yeah? I'll give it to you at dinner later."
"Will you now?" Howard said with a smirk and an arched eyebrow.
Vince chuckled and shook his head. "Dirty jokes, big man? Really?"
"You only have yourself to blame for that, sir."
It took Vince just over three hours to get ready for their date. After getting his hair just right (straightened, backcombed and Root Boosted, framing a cheeky fringe) and his makeup spot on (a smudge of black kohl, a touch of mascara, silver eyeliner to match his nail polish, and the strawberry flavoured lipgloss that Howard liked the taste of), Vince spent the next two hours picking out the perfect outfit. After turning his half of the bedroom upside down searching, trying stuff on and then changing his mind, he finally settled on a floaty baby blue tunic with silver thread in the big flowing sleeves that shimmered when he moved and brought out the colour of his eyes, white skinny jeans that weren't too difficult to take off in a hurry should he have to, and black cowboy boots with heels just high enough that he'd only have to tip-toe a little bit to give Howard a snog. A few choice accessories and a black and white fur cape on top, and Vince had perfected his look. Finally.
"That's what you're wearing, is it?"
As sarcastic as Howard sounded, his tiny eyes still lit up at the sight of his boyfriend. Vince could feel a blush coming on from all the attention. Attention from normal people always made Vince preen like a peacock, but when Howard looked at him like that it made him go all shy and bashful. Howard looked extremely handsome himself, in his corduroy suit in a very aggressive nutmeg. Like a sexy supply teacher.
"Yeah," Vince replied. "I thought I wouldn't make too much of an effort, we're only going to dinner."
Howard chuckled as he leaned down to kiss Vince on the cheek, before leading the way down the stairs. Vince pretended to look in the mirror one more time, and quickly hid the Valentine's card in the inside pocket of his cape.
They took a cab to a small restaurant in town, one that was trendy enough that Vince was willing to be seen there, but not so unbearably cutting edge that Howard would feel uncomfortable having a romantic meal there. They sat in a quiet corner booth, Howard frowning and Vince grinning at the garish Valentine's decorations. Howard tried to show off his expertise in wine to impress both Vince and the pretty waitress, but the waitress was much more interested in Vince, especially when he ordered his meal in perfectly pronounced French (his uncle was a French Duke, after all). Howard rolled his eyes as the waitress went all red and giggly, looking over her shoulder at Vince as she walked away.
"Having fun?" he asked with an arched eyebrow.
"Oh, stop being so jealous," Vince said with a giggle. "All I did was tell her what I wanted to eat. It's hardly my fault if she fancies me."
"Everyone fancies you," Howard grumbled.
Vince shrugged. "Well yeah, but I'm here with you, ain't I? Everyone might fancy me, but I fancy you. I fancy the absolute pants off you, Howard, so stop being such a grumpy bastard. It's Valentine's Day, yeah? It's meant to be romantic!"
"Right. Yes. Of course," said Howard, clearing his throat awkwardly. "Romantic. I can do romantic. Howard Moon knows a thing or two about romance, no doubt about it, sir."
Vince just laughed.
Once their food arrived they easily relaxed into their usual banter, talking and joking and quietly singing a little crimp about the salt and pepper shakers. After sharing a rich, chocolaty dessert between the two of them (ever the gentleman, Howard allowed Vince to eat the lion's share), Vince finally decided the time was right to give Howard his gift. He handed over the big pink envelope, feeling surprisingly nervous.
"I made it myself," said Vince, anxiously playing with his hair as he watched Howard open the envelope. "I know it's not much, but it took me ages, I can't remember the last time I worked so hard on anything. I even double checked to make sure I spelt everything right."
Howard smiled as he looked at the card, his smile getting even wider as he opened it and read the surprisingly long message inside. Every sentence had been written in a different coloured felt tip pen in Vince's adorably childish handwriting, made slightly smaller so it all fit, and every word had indeed been spelt correctly.
Howard
Whenever I'm nice to you, you always think I'm joking or something. So I thought I'd write you this so that if you ever doubt even for one second that I don't love you as much as you love me, you can read this card and realise what an idiot you're being.
I've loved you for years, Howard, ever since the zoo times. But I always thought you were off limits because we were best mates and you didn't like being touched, even when we were nippers. So I was cool with just being mates because that was what you wanted, and I wanted you to be happy. You being happy is all I want in the world. You deserve it. And now that I'm your proper boyfriend I'm going to do everything I can to make you happy every single day because I really, really love you.
I love how much you take care of me, and I like to think that I take care of you too. I know we're well mismatched, but I'd be nothing without you. You're like my other half, and together we make one really brilliant whole person. My life would probably be rubbish and dead boring without you. Yeah, I like to go out to clubs and parties and that, but I love having you to come home to. I love going to sleep with your arms around me like a big Northern teddy bear, and I love waking up next to you. I can't even sleep without you in the same room as me, it gives me bad dreams. But hopefully I won't ever have to worry about that, because you and me are forever, aren't we?
You and me are going to spend the rest of our lives together, I just know it. Maybe even get married someday, but only if you want to. I don't really mind either way, to be honest. I mean, we're already basically married, yeah? So it's not like we need all the paperwork (although having a wedding would be brilliant, imagine all the costume changes I could have! It would be genius!). But if you wanted to I'd totally be up for being your husband. Just saying.
My point is that I love you, Howard. More than Jagger and Gary Numan combined. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I'm going to love you forever, no matter what.
Happy Valentine's Day, shrimp eyes!
Lots of love and cuddles and cheeky snogging, your Vince xxxxxxxx
"So... do you like it?"
Howard looked up from the card, his little eyes looking a bit wet. Vince had never seen him look so overcome with emotions that weren't sadness or stress or paranoia. Howard looked happy, incredibly so. He reached across the table and took Vince's hand in his, giving it a squeeze as he smiled warmly.
"It's amazing, Vince," he said. "Really, it is. I love it. It's the best gift you've ever given me."
"What, even better than the bouncy castle?" said Vince, smiling back.
Howard chuckled, kissing the back of Vince's hand. "Miles better than the bouncy castle."
It was a cool, clear evening and they weren't that far away from the flat, so they decided to walk home. Vince knew that Howard wasn't really one for public displays of affection, so he was pleasantly surprised when Howard reached over and took his hand, holding it tightly as they walked side by side. As always, the moon was full in the twinkling night sky, bright and milky white, and as Vince looked up he was sure he could just faintly hear the moon singing Bella Notte from Lady and the Tramp, although it didn't seem to know all the words and sort of was making up its own. It was all very romantic.
Howard suddenly broke the comfortable silence between them by asking "Would you really not mind being my husband one day?"
"'Course not," said Vince. "Everyone already think we're married anyways. I'm always either your beautiful wife or your ugly girlfriend. Personally I prefer 'beautiful wife', but whatever."
"So," said Howard slowly. "You'd be okay with being... Vince Moon-Noir?"
"Why does it have to be that way round?"
"It's alphabetical."
"Oh right, okay. Well yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Besides, Moon-Noir sounds like a fancy red wine or a dead expensive perfume or something."
"Wait – was the card your strange little way of... purposing?"
Vince laughed, hooking his arm around Howard and resting his head on his shoulder. "Nah, it's way too early for all that! I wanna enjoy being boyfriends for a bit longer. And when it does finally happen, I want you to purpose to me. And I want the whole shebang, yeah? I want the grande public gesture, tons of flowers, a big romantic speech in front of loads of people applauding, a diamond ring the size of a small Pacific island, the works! I wanna be swept off my feet, big man, so don't let me down!"
"Wouldn't dream of it, Vince. Your man knows how to deliver, yes sir. It'll be a proposal that will go down in the history books."
When they got home they had the flat to themselves (Bollo was DJing at Fabric, and Naboo had some rather vague sounding shaman business to attend to), so Vince and Howard made their way straight to their bedroom without much preamble. Howard sat on the bed, bringing Vince down with him to straddle his lap as they kissed.
Vince adored Howard's kisses. You'd never guess that Howard had only kissed one person in his whole life, because he was brilliant at it. He was intoxicating – his soft lips applying just the right amount of pressure, his talented tongue, sometimes slow and sensual but sometimes rough and dominant, his moustache tickling Vince's skin in the nicest way, his big hands holding Vince close and touching him everywhere. Howard Moon, Man of Action, was a real snogging genius.
They undressed each other quickly, like excited children unwrapping Christmas presents, touching every inch of skin they could reach. They had had sex a load of times (Vince wasn't sure how many times exactly, but he figured Howard was probably keeping count), but every time still felt as exciting as the first time. Not nearly as awkward and fumbling as the first time, but just as exciting.
"How do you want me, big man?" Vince whispered into Howard's ear, straddling his naked body.
Howard cupped Vince's bare arse with his large hands, spreading his cheeks to rub a calloused finger over his hole. "I want to be inside you. I want to fuck you into the mattress like the cheeky little vixen you are."
Howard's voice was a deep, toe-curling growl that made Vince squirm on top of him. Howard Moon, Monsoon Moon, was a lot sexier than he gave himself credit for. Vince sat up on Howard's lap, grinding their leaking cocks together to make them both moan as Howard reached over to the bedside cabinet for a bottle of lube. Before he could grab a condom, Vince batted his hand away.
"Not tonight. I wanna feel all of you tonight, and I still wanna be feeling you tomorrow, yeah? I don't wanna be able to sit down."
Howard grinned, drizzling plenty of lube over his fingers and reaching between Vince's legs. He smeared the cool liquid onto Vince's puckered hole, slowly pushing one slick finger inside. Vince whimpered at the intrusion, biting his lip and rolling his hips down against Howard's hand.
He could feel Howard's eyes on him as a second finger was added, twisting and scissoring inside his tight hole, and Vince decided to put on a bit of a show. He was one of the great front men, after all, and he could never pass up an opportunity to throw some shapes. Bracing himself against Howard's chest, Vince rode the fingers inside him, throwing his head back as he moaned his boyfriend's name, arching his back and running his hands through his messed up hair.
"Beautiful," Howard whispered, making Vince smile shyly behind his fringe.
Vince let out a squeak of surprise as he suddenly found himself on his back, fingers still inside him and Howard kissing down his pale, slim body. He held onto the back of Howard's head as the older man sucked on his nipples, running his fingers through the fine brown hair (so fine it was practically nonexistent, but it felt like silk between his fingers). Vince spread his legs wider, Howard making his way lower and lower down, biting and kissing his skinny hips and licking a strip up the length of the leaking erection, making Vince shudder. Howard's tongue travelled lower, until it joined the two fingers stretching out Vince's hole.
Vince was a writhing, whimpering wreck, swearing and crying out Howard's name, both hands twisted into the bed sheets as his arse was absolutely worshipped by the jazz maverick. There were three fingers inside him now, teasing over his prostate, that skilful tongue lavishing his rim and the other hand very slowly stroking his cock. It was all way too much.
"Oh fuck, Howard, I'm not gonna last long if you keep that up..."
Howard chuckled against Vince's skin, sucking a pretty big love bite into his inner thigh as he very carefully removed his fingers from Vince's hole. Howard was a genius at love bites. He'd once given Vince a bite on his neck that was almost in the shape of a heart. Vince had made an effort to show it off as much as possible until it finally faded, which made Howard blush bright red when they were dealing with costumers down in the shop.
Vince pulled Howard back on top of him, kissing him hard and wrapping a hand around his cock. Vince didn't call Howard 'big man' just because he was tall. He could just about get his delicate little hand all the way around Not-So-Little Howard, and it was so long that Vince could only get about half of it into his mouth while giving him a blowie before he felt like he was choking. Vince guided that big beautiful cock to his entrance, wrapping his legs around Howard's hips as he encouraged his boyfriend to slowly push into him, both of them groaning into each other's mouths.
It wasn't really fucking, what they were doing. Or shagging, or bumming. No, it was making love. Vince knew the difference now. Howard TJ Moon only ever made love to you, sir, even when he was bumming you silly. In no time at all, Vince was an incoherent mess, scratching his painted nails down Howard's back, swearing like a sailor and completely unaware of just how much of a racket he was making. Howard had one large hand hooked around Vince's thigh and the other stroking his cock in time with their feverish thrusts. Neither of them was going to last long, but that hardly mattered.
One hard thrust at just the right angle and Vince was a goner, his orgasm taking him by surprise. He threw his head back with a kind of silent scream, clinging onto Howard's arms for dear life as he came all over his stomach and chest. He shook violently as Howard continued to thrust into him with all his might, hard enough that the headboard was banging against the wall, until he finally fell over the edge too, filling his lover with his seed with a strangled cry of "Oh God, Vince!"
After lots of sloppy kisses, breathless I-love-you's and a quick clean up, the couple snuggled under the duvet, sated and satisfied. Vince rested his head on Howard's chest, sighing contently as Howard held him close and played with his hair. This Valentine's Day has been top, and he was ready for a little sleepy in the arms of his big Northern teddy bear.
"Vince Moon-Noir..." he whispered, smiling to himself. "Mr. and Mr. Moon-Noir... alright, I'm Vince Moon-Noir, Rock an' Roll Star, and this is my poorly dressed, stationary loving, small eyed jazzy freak of a husband, Howard..."
"Can't you be a bit more complimentary when you introduce me as you're husband?" said Howard, stifling a yawn behind his hand.
Vince chuckled. "Fine, how about '...and this is my charming, handsome, well endowed sex god of a husband, Howard'?"
Howard gave Vince a little squeeze, kissing the top of his head. "Much better, little man."
Hope you enjoyed, Humble Readers.
If you did, prove it in review format.
xxx