Author's Note: So, I've been working on this story for a while now...probably since a few weeks after Season 5 premiered, and I've had this goal to get it completed before I posted it, but that goal fell through. It's not completed, but I do have a lot done, and I wanted to go ahead and start sharing it. It starts out after Haley tells Nathan that he will have nothing if things don't change...I wanted to write what would happen if Haley did really leave him. So here you go...hope you enjoy and feedback is always appreciated!

-Lindsay

This is getting so hard. All of it. Nathan's drinking. Jamie's running into my bedroom every night. All the crying I seem to spend my time doing. All the bottles that are chucked into the trash can every day. None of this seems fair. I don't understand why this had to happen to us.

I sigh, leaning back on my pillow, thinking of the day's events. Nathan and I got into it again. Finally, I told him that if things didn't change, he would have nothing. Jamie and I would leave him. And quite frankly, it's looking that way now. I don't want to put my son at risk because his father is an alcoholic. But I'm being selfish about this too. I don't want to stay here because Nathan is breaking my heart.

"Mama! Mama!" My little four year old son jumps into the bed I used to share with his daddy. "Daddy's throwing things again!" he exclaims, snuggling into my side.

"I know, Jamie." I put my arm around him and pull him as close to me as possible. Jamie's a comfort to me these days. He's about the only person I want to see anymore. He's the only one that can make things seem not as bad as they really are. "Let him do it," I say softly.

In the beginning, when Nathan started throwing these temper tantrums of a twenty-one year old man, I fought them. I didn't want him throwing things around our house and ruining them. Eventually, I got sick of fighting him on them though. I just let him do whatever now. I can't fight him anymore. It's not worth it, consideringall he does is throw an even bigger one when I ask him not to.

"He's gonna break something, Mom!" Jamie protests, his eyes wide and questioning. "He already broke my basketball hoop! Remember?"

I nod. Jamie is pretty smart for his age - smarter than most four year olds. He is very observant about what goes on around him, and he knows when things are wrong with me or with Nathan. He's known for months that something is wrong with his daddy, and it's not just because Nathan's wheeling himself around in that damn chair all day and not even trying to walk again. Although, I'm sure that contributes to it.

When I hear glass shatter, I've had enough. He can throw as much as he wants, but when things that I'm almost positive mean something to me are breaking, Ican't handle it. "Jamie," I say sternly. "You stay in here, okay? Mama's going to shut the door so I can talk to your daddy."

I look down at my shorts and tank top, wondering if I should put on a robe before I go downstairs, but then again, what's the point? Nathan doesn't care, and I sure as hell don't. It doesn't matter what I look like to him. He's still going to throw his tantrums. I could put on a wedding dress and beg him to marry me again, and he wouldn't even blink an eye.

I used to have this effect on Nathan when we were younger. I was the only one who could get through to him, the only one who could calm him. That kind of eased off when our son was born. I still held that power, but usually all Nathan had to do was look in Jamie's eyes, identical to his own, or pick him up, and he would be fine. And now, no one or nothing can help him.

"Nathan?" I ask tentatively. I know exactly what he's doing, but I'm still nervous to go around him. He's pretty volatile these days - ever since that accident right after he was drafted into the NBA. Nathan was thrown through a window because of fighting in a bar. He got a pretty big chunk of glass lodged in his spine, and he's temporarily paralyzed. It will probably turn permanent though, with the way he completely ignores the rehabilitation process. I know it's a lot worse than I'm making it sound, but it's been like this for four months now. I'm used to it. "Hey," I say when he wheels around to face me, dropping the picture frame that he's holding.

Crash. Well, there's more glass for me to clean up later on.

"What?" he asks gruffly. I know he doesn't want me around him. I know he wants to sit here and throw everything, but these pictures and memories belong to me too, and I won't have him destroying them. They were the happy times - the times I would give anything to have back.

"You, uh, you want to tell me what you're throwing now?" I question, unsure how to begin this. We've had these fights a million and one times, but what do you say in situations like these really?

"Pictures," he says simply and turns himself around. When he reaches for another one off the coffee table, I storm over and take it from him. "Haley!" he objects.

"These are MY pictures, Nathan! I took them, I framed them, and I don't want you ruining them!"

"I'm breaking the glass, Haley," he replies, rolling his eyes. He reaches around me then, and grabs his beer. Lovely.

"You could be scratching the pictures!" I yell. We both know this isn't about the pictures though. It's about something else. Something deeper that isn't going to go away by sweeping it up like I will with the glass after Nathan drinks himself into a stupor.

"Well I don't give a shit," he says stubbornly. "I'm sure it was my money that paid for these frames anyway."

"Whatever, Nathan," I mutter, bending down to pick up some of the larger pieces of glass.

"What do these matter for?" he asks, stopping me from what I'm doing.

I look up at him. "What do you mean?"

"They're pictures of people that we used to be. That guy there" -he points to himself in a photo on the day Jamie was born- "he doesn't exist anymore."

"He used to, and I don't want to forget that he did." I resume what I'm doing. I sigh when I see the five empty beer bottles thrown on the floor as well. Will this hellever end?

"Doesn't matter. He's never gonna be again. That guy there…he could walk and run and jump, and he was a basketball player. He was going into the NBA. He gave his son piggy back rides and carried his wife to their bed when they were going to screw around while their son slept. You know that guy anymore, Haley?" he asks me, looking down and taking a sip of his beer. He looks back up at me. "Because I sure don't."

"If you would just try this rehab thing!" I scream at him. I can't take it anymore. All I want to do is yell and scream at him. Nothing is ever easy with him. It never hasbeen, but we've always worked through it, and now…now I'm not so sure. "If you would try this, Jamie would have his father back and I would have my husband! But you're too damn stubborn to try!"

"It won't do any good!" he shouts back. "I failed, Haley! I failed you and everyone else! I'm done!"

It really breaks my heart to hear him saying this. Nathan, no matter what he thinks, has never failed me. He has never given up when things have gotten hard. He hasalways just pushed and pushed to make it, and make things good for our family. It's who he is….well, who he was, I guess. He's apparently done now. "You're done?"

"Yeah. You might as well move out, Haley. I can't be who you want me to be anymore."

And there it is. Nathan has finally spoken what I have thought about so many times these past few weeks. He told me to move out, and you know what? Maybe it is for the best. This circle we're running in…it's getting us nowhere.

"Okay." I nod. "I'll, um, I'll get some things together for me and Jamie, and we'll leave in the morning." I mentally start running through what I need to take withme…as well as where we're going to stay. I start to think of the hotel across town, but Tree Hill is a small town, and I don't want everyone knowing that Jamie and I left Nathan when he's at the worst point in his life. Then I remember that Karen and Lily are out of town, and Luke is staying at their house. That's when I decide Jamie and I will go there. Jamie loves his Uncle Lucas, and plus, he's my best friend. That's a bonus.

"Okay," he answers. I know that the conversation is finished then and there. I want him to beg me to stay. I want him to tell me that things will work out eventually, and that he'll try to do the rehab. I want him to say that he'll do whatever it takes for all of us to be okay again. But he isn't going to say any of those things, I realize, as I stare at the back of his wheelchair.

--

"You're sure it's okay that we stay here?" I question Lucas that afternoon. Jamie has surprised us both by falling asleep, but then again, I should have known. He was up late last night with me. He couldn't sleep with my sobbing, and I was too selfish to let him go back into his own bedroom.

"Haley, you're family. It's fine," he assures me. "You know Mom's not going to care at all, and I love having you two here. It's easier on Lindsey too, you know," he says, talking about his girlfriend. "She hates when I'm by myself."

"Nahh." I shake my head. "She's just afraid that some young novelist like yourself is going to run out and meet a bunch of adoring fans."

He scoffs at that. "I haven't been able to crank out anything in terms of writing in months, Hales. I highly doubt I still have adoring fans."

"Me!" I exclaim happily. Really, my best friend is talented. It's amazing that he wrote a novel before he was even done with college. I had no idea he was writing it either. It really surprised me when he showed me the copy of it his mom had bound together for him as a graduation present.

"You don't count. You have to like my book. You're in it," he points out, ruffling my hair. He used to do that when we were teenagers, and I get nostalgic for a minute. I wish we could go back in time, if only just for a minute or two. I wish we could go back to the good old days, when it was just me and Luke. Us two against the world. I miss that.

"I would like it even if I wasn't in it," I tell him honestly.

"Thanks." He smiles and me and we make our way into his bedroom. It's pretty much been our hang out since we were little kids. Plopping down in his desk chair, his expression turns sour.

"What?" I shouldn't have asked; I'm sure I already know what that expression is about.

"Haley…" He waits until I get settled on his bed and continues. "You and Nate…what's going to happen?"

I shrug. I can't form any words right now…at least words that make sense to Lucas. And plus, I know as soon as I start talking about this, I'll cry. And I hate crying in front of him. I know he's seen me cry a thousand times, but I still don't like him to. "My main focus is Jamie," I manage to get out. "He has to be, Luke. I tried with Nathan."

"I know, but there's got to be more you can do!" he fights me. "Take him to counseling, Hales. Do something!"

"Lucas!" I nearly shout at him. "What am I supposed to do?! Nathan doesn't want help. I tried and tried. Everyone tried with him, and no one could get through…noteven looking at his son made him want to try."

"I don't buy that." He shakes his head. "Why is this happening?" he wonders out loud, and as I look into his eyes, I know how much he is hurting over this. He and Nathan were extremely close, and these days, Nathan won't even give him the time of day.

"He drinks a lot, Luke, and-"

"NO!" he interrupts me. "Don't you make excuses for him, Haley Scott. Do not absolve him in any way. He doesn't deserve it anymore. Nathan doesn't deserve you as a wife, and he doesn't deserve to have fathered Jamie!"

That does it. I may be extremely pissed at Nathan. And I may have moved out of the house I shared with him, and I may have taken his son away from him, but that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to have fathered Jamie. Nathan was the most amazing father to Jamie until all this crap went down. I know Lucas knows that. "Take that back," I whisper fiercely. "He loves him. I know he does." Maybe I'm saying that more for my benefit than Lucas's…Nathan hasn't showed anyone that he loves them for a long time now.

"I'm not saying he doesn't!" He throws his hands in the air. "All I'm saying is, Jamie and you deserve better. I hate sitting here looking at you hurting and knowing that my brother is the cause of it!"

"Yeah, we all deserve better than the hands we got dealt," I mutter. "And you're hurting too, Lucas. Don't pretend you're not. I can see it every time I look at you. I know it's killing you that Nathan's going through it and you can't do anything about it."

"Of course I'm hurting," he says. "I'm not saying I'm not. What I'm saying is Nathan has hurt you far more than me because I'm not his life partner…and Jamie…Jamie is the one who will suffer the most, Haley. That's what upsets me…the man who helped make that little boy in there" -he jerks his thumb behind him, motioning to Karen's room where Jamie is sound asleep- "is hurting him that much."

"I don't know what to do," I admit softly. "I don't want to stay there with him, but I don't want him to be alone either. I don't want him drinking himself away. Jamie needs him, Lucas. And I do too." I know my voice cracks on that last part, and I can feel a tear make its way down my cheek.

"Then you have to get him back," he tells me, and I know he's right. I've always known I have to get him back. I guess I needed Lucas to say it for me. Now all I have to do is figure out how…and it's easier said than done.

--

Lucas looks over at me from the driver's seat of his car and gives me a little smile. "You sure you're ready?"

It's been a little over a week since I packed up Jamie and left to stay at Lucas's. Lindsey is back in town for a few days, so I decided that I would go talk to Nathan for a few hours so they can have some time alone. Jamie is staying with Peyton and Brooke for a little bit, and they absolutely adore him so it really doesn't matter how long I leave him there. They'll keep each other entertained. Ever since Peyton and Brooke came back to Tree Hill, they have wanted to spend time with Jamie, and they haven't gotten much of a chance, what with everything that's going on…so I decided to take them up on their offer of watching him.

I haven't really spoken to Nathan since we left either. I know Lucas has been by to see him. He said the house is a mess, but I'm not surprised. He also said that Nathan was pretty drunk when he was there, but I shouldn't worry about it because he's almost out of alcohol and he has no way to get any more. He can't drive, obviously. I let Jamie talk to him a couple of times on the phone also, but they were very brief conversations. I wasn't sure how drunk Nathan was when they talked, and I didn't want to subject our son to that. I speak to him for about the span of two minutes when I do call him. There's not really much to say at this point.

"I'll be fine, Lucas." I return his hesitant smile and jump out of the car, unlocking the door to our house. I remember the day we got this house. Nathan told me that we should get it because it was time to get used to the fact that dreams were coming true for us. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare now.

As soon as I enter the foyer, I am overcome by the smell of alcohol. It completely reeks in here. I walk into the living room, and Lucas was right - it is trashed. There are empty bottles everywhere along with shattered glass and torn up pictures. Nathan was throwing fits again. How wonderful. I hope he's okay, and that the glass didn't cut his hand. "Nathan?" I call out, hoping he'll come right out and tell me he's sorry. But he won't, and I know that. "Nathan!"

I hear some coughing and I know exactly where it is coming from. He's outside on our back patio. He left the door open; that's how I could hear him. "Hey," I greet softly when I walk outside.

"Haley." He doesn't even look at me. He just keeps staring at the pool. I know he's been in it since his accident. The doctors were even hopeful that it would help with his rehab, but Nathan never even attempted it. He just kind of floated around.

"How, um, how are you?" I walk around his wheelchair so I can see his face. He looks horrible - like he hasn't slept in days. His hair was already ridiculously shaggy, so there's nothing new there. But the scruffiness of his face seems to have gotten worse. It breaks my heart to look at him like this. It really does. This isn't the Nathan I fell in love with.

"What do you think, Haley?" he snaps at me. I take a step back, like the words are hurting me physically. I can't help it. They just feel like a slap in the face. "You take my son away from me, and I can't walk. How am I supposed to be?"

"Jamie doesn't need to be near you when you're like this, Nathan," I say calmly. "I've had enough of him running to me every single night because you scare him. You know, both of us haven't had a good night's sleep in God knows how long because of you…and now we're at Luke's and Jamie's sleeping through the night, and that's great. He's four, and he doesn't need to stay up all night listening to you throw tantrums." I know I am being harsh, but I just don't know what else to do or how else to act. We've all let him get away with too much for too long now.

"Okay, but to take him away from me completely? To take a child away from his father completely? That's okay?" He scoffs at that. "I didn't think you had that in you, Haley, I really didn't. You know how much I need Jamie, and I know he needs me too." For a brief second, I think I can see the regret flash in his blue eyes. But it is gone so quickly that I think I've only imagined it.

"I know you need him," I respond softly. Of course he does. Jamie was Nathan's sole purpose for waking up every day, I know that. But once the drinking started…well, that was why Nathan woke up. So he could get a fix. Not so he could see his little boy. "And he does need you, Nathan, but not like this. Not when you're drunk and moody. No one knows what you're going to say or do next, and I don't want Jamie in that position!"

He just nods, and I think for a minute that I'm getting through to him. Those thoughts disappear when he starts laughing. "You are hilarious, Haley. You really truly are. I get paralyzed and lose something I have been working my entire life for, and then you decide to take my son away. That's really rich."

"Okay, let me get this straight." I sit down on the patio steps which are facing the pool also. I don't have to look at his face this way anymore. "If this was happening to me…if the situation was reversed, and I was getting drunk all the time and throwing things everywhere, what would you do? If I was being as volatile as you are, would you want Jamie to be with me? No, you wouldn't," I answer for him. "You would take him away Nathan, because that is what's best for him, and I'm sorry that the best thing for Jamie right now is to be away from you." I shake my head. "I know it hurts you…it hurts all of us…but I don't know what else to do."

"Why couldn't you just stay here, Haley?!" he bursts out. "You leaving…do you think that makes me want to be on the path to righteousness? You think that makes me want to fix all these mistakes? No, it doesn't."

"You told me to go, Nathan!" I roar back. Okay, enough of trying to talk this out calmly. If we're going to work things out, it's gotta get worse before it gets better.That's the way things have worked with Nathan since I was sixteen, and I am pretty positive that things will work out that way for the rest of our lives together. If we have one together. At this point, I'm really not so sure. "You told me that you weren't the same person anymore, and that I should move out!" I cross my arms stubbornly. "Don't even act like you didn't! I will never forget that!"

"So you've never said something that you didn't mean?"

I turn around and gape at him. He is acting so calm all of the sudden…like the previous shouting didn't mean anything…like it was never there. And he did mean it that night. I could tell by the way he was looking at me. Nathan did mean it. He meant every word. "Don't give me that," I say bitterly, my voice lowering several notches from its previous high. "You meant that, Nathan Scott. Don't pretend you didn't. You were sick of me pushing you and wanting you to be you again. You're still sick of it."

"You're right, I am," he tells me, his blue eyes that used to be full of love for me now full of anger and hatred. He gives me a hard glare before wheeling himself away from me and into our home.

I sigh and stand up, brushing the dust from my pants. We have a long road ahead of us, and I am definitely not prepared to deal with this. As much as I hate to think this, I'm not even sure I want to deal.