I do not own any of Janet Evanovich's characters or storylines, sadly enough. I also don't own the song that I based this songfic on, Reflections by Christina A. Hope that everyone enjoys this story- its my first Janet E fic ever! Rangers POV, thoughts, no verbal action with anyone.
Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am but
You'll never know me
Every day it's as if I
Play a part
I pace the room as I think, somewhat like I know Steph lays down to think. I can't stop thinking of her. How I feel, how I act around her. Why can't she just see who I really am? I'm not really batman, or even Ranger. It's Ric that she doesn't see. Ric, the man I am, the man in love with, . . . well, with whom else but Stephanie. My bombshell, my babe, my heart. Heck, no one, except Tank and the guys, really takes the time to see Ric instead of Ranger. It's like I'm bipolar or something. Two men in one body. God! Why can't she see me for once? Are there really so many fish in the sea that she completely skips over me?
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that "guy" I see?
Staring straight back at me
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
I catch myself standing in front of the mirror. Damn, I'm getting scruffy. Better shave, I guess. I mean, I've tried the street look, the army look, the domesticated look, and the executive look. All come up short with her. Nothing seems to work! I can't keep up with my disguises, for that's what they are. I'm becoming consumed by my loneliness, the emptiness. I just can't keep it up anymore. I don't even know the man I see in the mirror. He's just simply a person that I see, a reflection. Nothing more, nothing less.
I am now in a world
Where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world
What's inside my heart and be loved for who I am?
Combing the streets for dangerous men, doing good deeds, and risking my life every time I leave my home isn't the life I want. I don't believe that it works anymore. I rid the streets of one, and five more spring up from the void. It's not working at all anymore. If only they'd stop taking money from the schools and put more into them. That is how we could stop this problem. No one sees it though. I mention my ideas to anyone, and for all my troubles, I get laughter thrown right back into my face. I can't tell Steph how I feel for her - she'd run screaming mad from me. I still remember how she looked when I thought I was collecting on my "debt" with her. Such fear, I don't think I've ever seen anywhere. I only need to get her support and assistance, then I could get the backing I need, politicians to listen, to agree with me. Somehow I need to get her to love me for who I am, because with her, I can do anything.
Who is that "guy" I see?
Staring straight back at me
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with the need to know
The reasons woww
I have no idea what to do. Should I keep my feelings hidden from Steph, or should I tell my babe how I really feel for her? I am so confused and I don't want to throw our friendship away just 'cuz I messed up. Sometimes I just feel so alone in this world, so depressed. Then I see her, and I am on top of the world. I can't keep up with the pretenses anymore. I have to tell her how I feel, or I am going to go crazy. At the moment though, neither idea sounds very appealing to me. I think I will make plans to tell babe everything, once this threat is over with. I don't want to overwhelm her with my feelings toward her, and then have her killed because she wasn't paying attention to the dangers that surround her. Ok, this sounds like a good plan. Now, how am I going to tell her? What should I say? Something like, "Stephanie, I know I told you that you were just entertainment but what I really meant by that was you make me happy and I, well, I love you."? Should I say that? Or is it too corny? Maybe I should get Tank to help me with this. I can't do it correctly, obviously. Ok, that's a good plan, let Tank give me tons of pointers.
Why must we all concede what we need
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide
I won't pretend that I'm someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside.
Man, do I feel so much better now that I made that decision to tell Steph how I feel toward her. It's this major weight off my chest, now that I'm not going to pretend to be someone else to her. Let's just hope that it all works out the way I really want it to. If she declines me at all, I don't know what I will do. Probably leave Tank to run RangeMan, and leave this continent. I couldn't stand to be around her and never have her. That would be the cruelest thing that anyone has ever done to me.
Ok, now for some clarification. This fic is set near the end of TBO, and of course, it is all Ranger's thoughts. To me, he is thinking all this while he watches Steph sleep, when she's staying in his apartment. Now for the good news to all the US fans of Janet Evanovich- books coming soon! YES! I was on her site, and was checking to see if the release dates were up, and they were! April 5 is Full Bloom, one of the Full series. June 21 both TBO is out in paperback, and the next one comes out- Eleven on Top. March of '06 is Metro Girl 2.
How cool is all this!