This is the story about a Titan named Joe. Joe's actual name was Kabijoshi, but that's a story for another time. For eons, Joe was stuck in the igneous rock of the caldera of Abaddon's Mouth, doing simple things to pass the time, like twiddling his thumbs or whistling a merry little tune. Like the other Titans, he was waiting for the Door of Komalie to be opened so that the Flameseeker would control them and give them something to do.
One day, Joe was thinking that he would rather like a nice, plump human to eat, when suddenly the rock around him started to rumble and tumble. He crawled up to the surface of a lava pool to see who was disturbing his quiet time and poked his fanged head out and looked around. A little ways away, a group of eight humans were standing and looking exhausted, afraid, and confused. Joe's mouth watered at the sight, although the moisture would immediately evaporate off his tongue.
He pulled his three long, claw-like legs out of the ground and made his way onto the more solid rock. He towered over the humans and they watched his progress with wide eyes. A dead-looking figure that Joe hadn't noticed before turned to him and held a weird-looking stick in his face. The creature was hideous and Joe didn't know why he was waving the stick around triumphantly. He stood still, hoping it would encourage the nasty little man to leave him alone. A sick grin formed on the rotting face and he (at least Joe thought it was a 'he') said in a growling voice, "Excellent, the prophecies were true!"
Joe didn't know what he was talking about. He turned back to continue gazing hungrily at the humans. There were two men and a woman covered in armor, a pale man with a rotting, fleshy beast shambling about beside him, two women with white hair and colorful clothing, a man with a stupid-looking mask on his face, and a scared little woman dressed in white robes with her hair up in buns. The latter looked soft and chewy with her large eyes smooth skin. She would probably make a nice breakfast, Joe decided.
The undead figure beside Joe rambled off some statements about the ending of the world being inevitable and the hero's work being in vain, but Joe wasn't paying attention. Other Titans had started emerging from the lava as well, yawning and shaking the lava from their burning bodies. They growled a greeting to Joe before casting hungry glances to the humans as well. Joe waved at them and started forward, but gave a little yelp when he felt the crack of something hitting his back. He turned around indignantly to see the disgusting undead thing glaring up at him.
"You will do as I tell you, when I tell you," It said.
Joe snorted and pouted, although to the humans it looked more like he was ready to pounce on them and attack. The warriors fell into their battle stances as the undead man turned back to them.
"Unfortunately, I am very busy at the moment, so I will bid all of you adieu. Have fun with your new playmates," He hacked-laughed before disappearing. Joe was confused. He didn't want playmates. He wanted breakfast!
Joe watched as the other titans moved forward and started punching and slashing at the group of humans, who instinctively started punching and slashing back with metal objects and bright lights. Joe thought the entire thing looked very unpleasant and hung back to avoid getting cut and his inner-magma leaking out.
Slowly, the humans started gaining the advantage, although they looked as though they were getting very tired. Joe decided he would wait to eat them. He didn't really want to fight for his breakfast, although his molten stomach niggled at him.
After ten minutes of fighting, all that were left on the battlefield were two Fists and one Hand of the Titans and Joe. He heard one of the warriors call out, "We're almost through, keep going!"
The undead man popped up beside Joe, its face a world of annoyance as he watched the last of his troops cut down.
"You may have won this round, but there are now portals for more of my servants to attack your more precious cities. There is nothing you can do against me now," It threw back its head and left before turning and whacking Joe in the back again with his big, fancy stick to spur him onward. Joe rubbed at the spot. Really, there wasn't any need for such violence.
The humans looked up at Joe wearily. One warrior with flaming red hair said, "Wonderful, what do we do now? Tyria is doomed!"
The woman dressed in white stood up and demurely made her way up to Joe, much to the astonishment of everyone present. She tugged at the coolest part of his rocky arm, encouraging him to bend down to hear her speak.
"E-excuse me," She said, her eyes impossibly large as she trembled with fear. "Will...will you please not fight or eat us, mister Titan? It hurts when you do." Her expression suddenly lit up as she got an idea. "I'll give you a cookie if you don't."
If Joe had eyes, he would have blinked at the request. As it was, he just watched as the little female reached into her bag and pulled out a round, brown, flat thing that looked none-too appetizing. Nevertheless, she had made the nicest offer anyone had ever made to Joe. It would be awfully impolite to refuse her. He took the 'cookie' and tossed it into his mouth. It wasn't that bad, really. The cookie was sweet and rich on his flaming tongue, much as how he had imagined she would taste like. Joe made a noise of contentment and patted the female on the head, accidently singing some of her hair.
The Lich Lord's jaw was on the ground and the humans were paralyzed with shock as Joe turned away from them and walked down the mountainside. He wanted to see if he could make more of these cookies. Really, who wanted to go through all the trouble of killing a human to eat them when they could make food that wasn't stringy and would get caught between rocky teeth? Joe would start experimenting right away!
Later, after the Lich Lord's humiliating failure at destroying the world, the heros were on the boat making their way back to mainland Tyria. The group's monk Lydia was leaning on the railing, watching the volcano explode, her chin in her hands. Berjyl, the team's red-haired warrior came up behind her and said, "You should get some rest, it was a hard battle back there."
"I know, but I'm just worried about that nice Titan. I hope he's alright," Lydia said, unsurely, looking into the water.
"Are you kidding," Berjyl said incredulously. "Tons of lava and ash raining down on him...he'll love it! You don't need to worry about him, believe me."
He put his arm around her shoulders and guided her away from the rail and into the interior of the ship. She leaned wearily against him and said, "All right, if you say so. I could actually do with a glass of water. It was so hot on that island..."
And so Tyria's peace was restored. With the Door of Komalie closed and the Lich re-dead, no more evil tormented the land. It was then a new craze hit the continent. Joe started a pizzeria on the Ring of Fire Island chain and became a successful entrepreneur . His business was successful across the lands of Tyria, Cantha, and Elona. Humans, Norn, Charr, Asura and all sorts of other creatures came just to eat and mingle. The place become the favorites of the Five Gods (especially Grenth and Dwayna) and even Abaddon took breaks between eternally tormenting his prisoners in the Realm of Torment to eat at "Joe's Pizza".
And thus we learn that even a cookie and a little bit of kindness can restore peace and harmony to the world. Now if only our heroes could figure out what it is those Destroyers in the Eye of the North like to eat...
A/N: Aint't it the truth. I just finished Prophecies yesterday when this little ficcie popped into my head. Cookies make the world go round, baby! No wonder those Titans had such a temper. They didn't have cookies! They were a pain to kill, too.
Shiro: -Rubbing his forehead- You are going straight to PlayNC heck for this one. Just don't try that trick with me.
K&B: Oh you don't have to worry until I finish Factions.
Shiro: Oh joy...
Abaddon: -Stuffing his disembodied face- It's not that bad, you know.
K&B: Just don't eat too much. You're gonna be having a dance party when it's your turn. Don't think I haven't seen that Easter egg on Youtube!
Feedback: Heck yeah!