A~N: You do realize that I don't need to tell you to let you know that I don't think you don't think that I don't own Naruto. Translation: I don't own Naruto, period.

Kakuzu's Sewing Guide

Prologue

Kakuzu sat at his sewing machine. He was doing nothing. Nothing important. Not at all, because Pein had put him(and Hidan) on a vacation.

It irked him to no end.

Having nothing to do except count your money(and he had already done that) can do that to a person. There were no bounties. The ones he hadn't brought to the bounty station needed a great physical strain. Kakuzu was not in the mood for great physical strain. He left all the physical strain to Hidan, who was actually stupid enough to take the bait.

Also, physical strain endangered his hearts to the point of cardiac arrest. He was also not in the mood for cardiac arrest. (In fact, who is?)

And so, he dissected his available options to do something, and which ones of them would not take Great Physical Strain. (At this point, Kakuzu was referring to it with Capital Letters.)

Deidara-and-Sasori-argument-prompting was cruel enough to be entertaining, but it also put a Great Physical Strain on his ears, and therefore, his brain, which would lead to headaches.

Kisame and Itachi were in Konoha. Probably off to not capture the Kyuubi jinchuuriki. The weasel was probably excusing himself to go take a pee and let Naruto escape. (In fact, Itachi was 'distracted' by a dango shop, but Kakuzu's thoughts were almost there.)

The senior management offered no entertainment, unless Kakuzu wanted to be on the wrong end of one of Leader's torture devices. And that would take Great Physical Strain.

Anything including Hidan was out of the question. The Jashinist was that annoying.

And so Kakuzu started prowling through the halls; he was that desperate.

The stitched man had stumbled upon the Eleventh Door(contained a Predator), the Sixth Door(a white room full of nothing), and the Twenty-first Door(a world full of rainbows and lollipops; a possible torture chamber) before he veered off into the kitchen. When you enter the kitchen, embarrassment or unwilling cannibalism(or both) ensues. You are not allowed to pick one.

-KSG-

"Why don't you write a book?" Konan suggested. Kakuzu almost had a heart attack. Close call.

"I am very sorry, Konan, but that is a useless thing to do. Thus, I will go find other things to do now."

"He—hey, wait!" She had grabbed onto his shirt-curtain-thing. Not a very dignified thing for an 'Angel of God' to do. "You could write something useful."

Kakuzu sat back down. "I suppose. Yes, I could do that."

How he hadn't been embarrassed or eaten any human body part was odd.

"Kakuzu, you're eating a foot."

I spoke too soon.

~KSG~

And so Kakuzu sat down at the computer he usually used for writing economic lectures and contracts, which had a lot of fine print in a very, very, very small size. (.02, to be exact.) This computer was one of the only three computers in the base. Only Kakuzu, Sasori and Deidara, and Pein had them. Well, there were also a few laptops scattered inside the Doors, only obtainable when you 'finished' the level, but that is another story completely.

He did a few warm-ups. Motivation, mostly.

'Hidan is annoying.'

'I love money.'

'I hate cardiac arrest.'

Somehow, the phrases got mixed up and now it was "Hidan I love cardiac." He quickly erased that.

~KSG~

Our favorite stitchy-dude cracked his knuckles. After a long, satisfying bout of work, he was now completely pleasured with having finished the thing he had been working on not only two hours ago.

And now, I will not show you what he wrote so far.

The end.

I got you, didn't I? Oh, I didn't. So you snuck a peek? How dare you!

Here's the beginning:

Kakuzu's Sewing Guide

By Kakuzu of Takigakure

Read if you have the money.

A~N: TWO CHAPTERS IF I WANT TO. OR THREE. OR YOU CAN SUGGEST SECTION NAMES. Sorry, I couldn't get my finger off the Shift key. I don't use Caps Lock, as it is too overrated(read: overused).