Not Another Bloody Quest!
By Kingdom of Deke
Summary: Bored with living the good life in a massive castle, Zidane and Garnet decide to get the old team together for one final mission. It'll all end in tears…
Timeline: Takes place three years after the ending of FF9.
Disclaimer: I don't own FF9, Squaresoft does. Wish I did though…
Reviews please!
Chapter 1: Say, I've got a great idea…
We start off in Alexandria. The people of this fair burg are enjoying life as they should be; singing, laughing, loving, basically everything you'd expect people to do before TVs were invented.
Let's see what a particular young couple are up to shall we?
Robert: Rinoa, there's something I've been wanting to ask you for sometime now…
Rinoa (NOT the one from FF8): Really, Robert? What is it?
Robert reaches into his pocket and produces a small velvet covered box.
Robert: Rinoa Almasy, will you m- URK!
Robert collapses face first on the ground.
Rinoa: ROBERT?!
She kneels down next to him and spots the tranquilizer dart in his the back of his neck.
Rinoa (turning towards the castle): DAMN YOU, YOU BIG SHOT ROYAL TYPES! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
*****
Cut to the highest tower in the castle, where Garnet and Zidane can be seen at the window. Garnet is holding a smoking tranquilizer gun.
Garnet: HA! Got one!
Zidane (looking through a pair of binoculars): Don't be too happy. It was only a peasant.
Garnet: Wha? (takes binoculars) Ooh, wait though! I still get double points for the angry fiancée hopping around, so that leaves me with a grand total of…
She walks over to a big white board which is inscribed with both Zidane and Garnet's names. Under each one is a number corresponding to a target. The targets include 'Peasant', 'Butler', 'Solider' and 'Visiting Dignitary'. Garnet writes in her score under her side of the board and counts them up. She smiles.
Garnet: YAHOOIE! I win!
Zidane: Ah man!
Garnet prances around the room in a frenzy of ecstasy. After five minutes she stops and stares at Zidane who stares back.
Silence.
Zidane: Soooo…what now?
Garnet: I dunno.
After a few more minutes of staring and silence they sigh and sit on the king-size bed.
Garnet: When we got married, is this how you envisioned we'd spend our weekends together? Playing a few games of 'Shoot the Subject'?
Zidane: Meh. I never thought I'd live this long.
After a few more seconds of silence Garnet jumped off the bed.
Garnet: GAH! An oglop!
Oglop (coming up from under the sheets): Oglop noise! Oglop noise!
Zidane picks up the cute little critter with both hands, carries him over to the window and boots him out of the castle.
Oglop: Scrrrrrreeeeeeewwwwww yyyyoooouuuuuuu ggguuuuuuuyyyyyysss!
*****
Rinoa watches as the Alexandrian Ambulance takes Robert away.
Rinoa: Fear not, my love. Even if it takes me till next week you shall have…REVENGE! HAHAHAHAHAHHA-
The oglop comes crashing down on Rinoa's head.
*WHACK!*
Rinoa: URK!
*****
Back at the castle…
Garnet: Well, that was fun. Anyhoo, I've just had a great idea! Let's go on another quest!
Zidane: Another quest?
Garnet: Sure! We could get the old team back together and then head off on a wild, exciting, CGI filled adventure to find some mystical do-hickey or other. It'll be fun!
Garnet can see Zidane isn't really into it, so she snuggles up next to him.
Garnet: C'mon Zidane it'll be great! I mean, there's got to be more to life than fantastic sex fourteen times a day right? Let's go find (looks at a brochure) the Eye of Losstarot! It's bound to take us 60+ hours to find, plus we get to listen to that kick-ass musical score again.
Zidane: Alright, you've convinced me! Watch out world, here we come!
Both: YAHOOIE!
*****
Meanwhile, on a grassy hill not far from Alexandria, a flaming portal opened up in the ground. After much grunting and swearing, three figures climbed out. Although badly singed, we can recognize them as Black Waltzes 1, 2 and 3. They are wearing expressions of both unbridled glee and intense pain.
Black Waltz 1: See, I told you I could zap us out of hell!
Black Waltz 2: Yep, that you did.
Silence.
Black Waltz 3: Anyone else fancy blacking out?
Black Waltz 2: Ooh yes, that would be lovely.
They do so.
To Be Continued…