It couldn't be possible, yet there it was.
Everything stopped and went into motion all at once.
The scream that came out of my mouth was foreign. It was so full of pain that it spooked me. It felt like I was watching everything from outside my body.
He was gone. My husband, my love, my best friend, was gone.
The battle took place, and I fought, but only out of vengeance. I couldn't feel anything else.
When it stopped, Alice and I were the only ones left without our mates.
I know she felt exactly what I was feeling, and I held her close as we cried together. We shrieked, sobbed, and wailed together while the rest of our family and friends watched from a distance. They knew there was nothing they could do to ease our pain.
The pain ripped through me and paralyzed me.
I made it upstairs and collapsed onto the bed Carlisle and I shared. It was still saturated with his scent. I didn't move. I couldn't breathe. It was like someone was continuously running over my chest with a monster truck. It hurt so much.
Memories flooded my mind and flashed by in a fury. The dim memory of seeing him for the first time, waking up to his face, our first date, his proposal, our wedding, our honeymoon, those first days with our family.
I sobbed impotently as the memories came faster and faster until there was no rhyme or reason to them. I couldn't face my family right now. I loved them so dearly, but there was no way I could handle it without him being there.
I don't know how long I stayed that way, but somehow I stood and walked to Alice's room.
I went in and sat with her as she sobbed over her wedding photo of herself and Jasper.
"I can't believe he's gone." She whispered. I nodded.
"Me neither."
We cried together some more, and I felt so sick- like I was going to throw up. I could have never fathomed this level of pain existing. I kissed Alice's head and moved to give her time alone.
Absently, I went into Carlisle's study. Nothing was out of place. I picked up his iPod and tried to find a song to fit my emotions. The slow Version of My Immortal by Evanescence started to play. The irony of the title was not lost on me, but I couldn't smile. As it filled the room with music I curled up in his chair. It was too much. I couldn't remove this feeling of having a giant boulder on my chest.
I examined his desk and my eyes locked on our wedding photo. It was the happiest day of my existence. Now it seemed like a cruel reminder of all that I had lost.
I wanted to get up and maybe shower, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. These clothes were the last things he touched.
Never had I been so grateful for not needing sleep. I didn't need the fear of dreaming of him added to all of this. It was already too much as it is.
I could hear Nessie crying downstairs. Part of me wanted to go to her, but there was no comfort I could give. There was no comfort that I could take, either.
No one bothered me, and for that I was grateful. I think I might have snapped if someone tried to talk to me. I wished I could be numb, but I needed the pain. To know that he wasn't a dream. To know that what we had was real.
I wish that I could just be angry, but that was what the battle was for, though I couldn't enjoy it at the time. The shock was too new then. Now, sitting here, I thought of Aro, and how he was the cause of this pain that tore me apart. I could truly demonize him for the first time. I had never been one to hate people, but for the first time I felt pure and undiluted anger rip through me like I'd never felt before. A snarl ripped through my teeth as the anger flowed through me. If I had the chance I would have crushed him to bits.
Abruptly, I stopped. I could practically hear Carlisle's voice in my ear, telling me as he so often told our children "Anger helps no one and harms only you."
The thought was sobering, but it was also the straw that broke the camel's back.
A choked sob made it's way from my throat. Suddenly, I was running. Faster and faster until I was in the forest, flying past the trees. There was a cliff nearby, and all I wanted was to jump. I knew it wouldn't kill me, but it felt like the only way to complete the circle.
I desperately wished I was human so that I could be with my husband again. It was the first time in over eighty years that I wished I was dead.
After I jumped and resurfaced, I felt slightly better. I got out and sat down looking at the waterfall. It was a scant moment of peace in an ocean of pain.
I wanted to die, but I had a family now. People depended on me. I couldn't let them down. It was my job to care for them. It's what I was best at- and it's what Carlisle would have wanted me to do.
I heard my family racing through the forest, and saw their looks of relief when they saw I was fine.
"Mom, are you okay?" Edward asked. I stood up and went over to him, squeezing his arm. My eyes flashed to Alice, who was still clearly crushed by grief, but worried about me.
For the first time since my husband's death, I smiled.
"I'll be okay." I still had my family, and I knew my husband would be watching over us from heaven. I would never love again, I knew that much, but I had the greatest love of all time, and somehow that would be enough to get me through the rest of eternity.