fandom: Vampire Knight
title: born weak.
pairing: Shizuka + Ichiru
rating: pg-13
description – The moment Shizuka died, Ichiru understood why his body had been separated from his twin's…
Disclaimer – The poem is mine but Vampire Knight isn't. I just am enamored by Shizuka and Ichiru so that's why we're here.
The soldiers are pounding their drums
In an orderly fashion,
An unspoken chant leading
To the End.
I stand before the rocky cliff
Overlooking the valley I ran through,
Realizing that it was such a small space of the world
And no one would remember my steps
If they tried to retrace them.
Still, this canyon is beyond
Beauty itself.
The blue blue sky above
Whispers something through the breeze
And I know you're waiting there.
It's your voice
I long to hear
Above everything else
In this wide world.
No matter where I look now,
And the countless deeds I committed myself
In the name of your existence,
To come back to life,
Even the spells couldn't
Bring anything to return Life itself,
My soul bleeding all over
The valley I hold so sacred.
I can't let you go
And yet I cannot live without you
Though we only shared
a forbidden dream.
Jumping off,
The chains of your words bound me
Even when I try my hardest
To fly to
wherever you are,
above or below this canyon.
born weak.
by Miyamoto Y.
For the past several days, the little white-haired boy said he'd heard something from the direction of the sea. It was a light cry in the breeze, a faint spray in the waves that was unnoticeable to the human ear…
…but not to a hunter of vampires.
He looked as his brother, who mumbled, "Stop squirming. Are you worried about that voice again? I told you it was nothing."
The older brother pretended to be sleepy but all the while had one suspicious eye open.
His amethyst eye stared at the wall while his younger twin kept his eyes tightly shut, holding onto his brother with his fingers grasping helplessly in between the older twin's blue pajama top.
"But there's a woman crying," the younger one replied through the muffle of cloth. "It's the same one every night."
"Why would someone make themselves an open target like that? Besides, if you're scared, mom and dad will protect us. They would know."
"They would know…" the whisper drifted off into the sheets but his eyes opened to glance at the closed window which showed nothing but shadows of trees and the moonless night.
One night, he got out of bed out of curiosity and moved towards the white windows, unlatching the lock as carefully as he could so that his brother couldn't hear.
He stared out and saw the pine trees swaying along with the breeze, but there was a soft light in the distance towards the shore, a tree hanging over the cliff.
He knew that was where the woman was singing from.
He turned to look at his brother, who was dead asleep, turning over and mumbling incomprehensibly. His head quickly glanced at the light once more until he went to the closet to change. When he was finished, he leaned close to kiss his brother's ear. The older brother winced but snored gently all the same.
From the hallway, he heard his mother and father talking about the 'future', or rather 'the dividing border between his brother and himself'. Everyone had a purpose in this society and without a role in the social ecosystem, he was virtually paralyzed. From here, there would be one blocked path leading to another dead corner in the maze until he would find himself in a trap with all four walls closing in on him.
The only option was to keep running from place to place like a laboratory Level E or to break a wall and fall off the maze all together. He had to choose or it would be chosen for him. The extremist situation would be that his own parents would destroy him, and knowing this, they lavished all their affections on the healthy heir, the one who carried the stronger body. Zero would take everything for nothing could be divided into two inside this world.
He whispered into Zero's ear, "Probably, in another reality, to be born a twin would mean something remarkable instead of here where two lovers committed lovers' suicide and then were reborn to not be able to live together.
"The same soul can't be cut smoothly."
Ichiru loved Zero until the point he hated so much that he couldn't keep him forever next to him.
"This…this will never change." He kissed his brother's mouth lightly and turned away towards the door.
Crossing the hallway as quietly as he could, he finally got to the kitchen door and left towards the call of the Siren.
+/+/+/+/+/+/+/
His feet felt every prickle of leaves and cones Fall left on the ground until the light became stronger, ghastly in its unfathomable illusionary mist. It made his mind go into a complete daze. Was it a dream? Was it really that easy to get here?
Through the thrush, he pushed his way until he saw a silver-haired lady in the branches. The sakura that bloomed out of season fluttered to the ground like paint brush strokes.
It was her. She was the one they had seen when they bid farewell to their master that day. And now, she was sitting on one branch in her rose pink kimono. Her white obi was lined with red on the top and bottom. Her shirt underneath had frills that lined against her neckline. Again, her long hair was untied, but she wasn't crying like on that day.
His feet refused to take a step further as his head lifted up even more, mesmerized to once again meet the most beautiful vampire he'd ever seen. Even the portraits of the likeness of the oldest vampires taken by their human lovers and were auctioned secretly in private transactions couldn't compare to the woman who looked at him. Her lips held no smile nor frown, but her eyes…
Those deep sakura eyes held an anger and emptiness within them that even if she wanted to cry, the tears were so buried, they couldn't reach the surface of her eyelids. He didn't even notice she'd stop singing until she opened her mouth and tilted her head to one side.
"So you are the one who heard this song." With this remark, her eyes misted over but didn't say what was exactly in her mind. "How long did you make me wait?"
Ichiru's heart fell to the ground as it crushed itself from within. Without words, he knew what this woman felt. She had the same look he stared at everytime he forced himself to look at the bathroom mirror everyday. His hands reached out to the tree before him. He walked out towards it blindly, looking up at the lady hoping she wouldn't disappear if he turned around for even a second.
"You sounded so sad."
"I thought only my lover could hear this song I'd created for his ears…even if…"
"Even if…?"
"That no longer matters." She floated down with her feet touching the petaled ground like a one-winged fallen angel before her kimono covered her ankles once more.
Her kimono glimmered, making the cherry-blossoms seem paler than ever. She held her hand out to his cheek and he winced at how frigid it was while she pushed her hand in more wanting to absorb the warmth of an Innocent. Her thumb brushed against his cheek before pulling her hand away. She'd forgotten what that feeling was like after so long. It seemed eons ago. And considering how long she lived and her many sleepless nights, time passed so utterly slowly in her world.
"Who are you, little one?"
"Ichiru-"
"You need not tell me your last name. Your label is fine."
"Label?"
"Labels, names…They are useless."
"Why?"
"Because others gave them to you. It isn't who you are. Now tell me what you wish for?"
"I want…" his voice faded into the breeze as he touched her obi, holding onto it desperately. She covered his hand with her own.
"No one ever asked me that before."
She held out her left hand to him and said nothing more. He glanced back at the path he'd come from and looked to the face with the cold, melancholic eyes. Ichiru let go of her obi and clasped onto her hand. When he did, she said in a harsh voice, "You can never go back to them if you come with me."
He gripped onto her hand. "They don't care about me."
She leaned down and smelled the hair that seemed to hold the same sunlight smell as her lover's. She found herself pushing the tears down to don the prideful lifeless mask of who she was known to be:
Shizuka.
But at that moment, she was the woman her lover had made her out to be. It was the name he'd given to her and she kept it inside of her to give her 'life' even at times she clearly didn't want it.
Then, everything became hazy as he blinked his eyes sleepily and woke up next to Zero but with a sakura petal in his hand.
+/+/+/+/+/+/+/
A few weeks later, he finally cut the thread that connected him to Him.
Zero reached out his hand towards his brother as Ichiru stepped forward from standing behind Shizuka when she killed his parents. Those pleading eyes kept begging, "Why?"
And his smile returned the favor of a twinkle that answered, "Why not?"
Why must I sacrifice myself because of the body they themselves gave me? As if…as if you didn't know the answer…
When they ran towards the mountains, it was the start of the true restlessness. Though he was still in the maze, it had somehow become extended.
Suddenly, along the way, his heart would give out sometimes but she never complained. Shizuka held him as they glided through the tar streets that finally led to many tree branches.
They arrived at the wooden house near the mountains around three in the morning. There was already a fire waiting at their arrival though all the lights were off. It was like a box with a living room facing the door and two aligned rooms in the back. To the left was the bathroom and the right was a small open kitchen, which was next to the fireplace.
Paradoxically, the house held the darkness of the night within it and the only light it grasped for came through the door where they stood and the red of the fire.
He closed the door behind him and Shizuka lit lanterns because all the windows had been covered with blankets and heavier curtains to block the daylight. As soon as she circled the house, she collapsed to the ground in exhaustion with her hands to the floor. Ichiru watched her from his place since he couldn't really see anything and followed the silhouette of her white kimono and the scent of blood around her.
"Come here," the voice sweetly called to him in the near abyss as she untied her hair. She was no longer 'Shizuka', but the crying woman he had met when their master waved goodbye to them on the cherry-blossom tree lane.
She put her hands on his shoulders and brushed the snow away, absorbed by the wooden floor. Then, she pointed towards a room to the left. "This will be your room from now on and change your clothes. We'll burn those afterwards."
He nodded his head quickly and she touched his cheek again, looking up to those purple-jeweled, transparent eyes.
While he was changing, she got up and went to her own room, which was on the right. She untied her light bluish-purple obi and white kimono, looking at her naked body in the full-length mirror. Specks of blood were on her breasts and she wiped them with a cloth before changing into her pink kimono, the one she had on when they first met.
When she left her room, Ichiru was still staring at the sheets of his new bed and crunching his clothes under his fingers.
"Why haven't you changed, little one?" She walked over to him and stood beside him.
His face turned to his right and she smelled the tears that ran down his cheek. There was a part of her that almost wanted to feel guilty for what she had done.
"You bought these for me." He lifted them up to show them to her. They were vibrant colors: A red pullover with white pants and a sleek black overcoat. He'd always worn his brother's throwaways for their parents gave him first pick of everything.
She began to giggle. "You cry for the silliest things, Ichiru."
With that, she turned around to go back to her room. "Good night."
Her tabi socks slid softly against the wood making a 'swish swish' sound as she walked away from him. He could only glance back at her back as she went away. Then, he changed his clothes and went over to the kimono that was hung to one side of the living room. It hung on the pole and the fire gave it a hazy shadow.
Hanging the way it did, it looked as if it were a trophy for all the time her hate festered towards his parents.
He touched it in between his fingers. It was so soft and it had the scent of jasmine mixed with blood. Without thinking if she would get mad, he took it off the pole and brought it to the bathroom. Turning on the water to its hottest, he dipped it in and tried to wash out the blood from the white cotton material. With his little hands, he rubbed harder and harder until the skin on the top of his knuckles came off.
Ichiru could only think that Shizuka shouldn't be reminded of them which caused her pain. He thought of his parents' faces turning away as they fell and he stood in back of her blinking his eyes.
He was just as guilty as she was for the only thing he couldn't deny: His indifference. The apathy of seeing his mother and father, who kept their distance from him, bleed on the ground was the opposite of how he smiled though his heart strung out the hurt that invisibly tied his brother and him together. Those eyes which watched his betrayal emptied out every emotion he ever felt in his life.
And when he drained out the water from the tub, he held the kimono in between his hands though it was heavy. Shizuka's white hands went over his and took the kimono up to the steel pole above the tub. She hung it up and while it dripped to the floor, she took his hand and they left the bathroom.
Without saying a word, she picked up the comforter she had dropped in front of the bathroom and went towards the fireplace. Before it, she sat down and hugged him, covering their bodies with her green comforter. Kissing the back of his head, she held him closer than ever. "Thank you."
Ichiru smiled as he leaned back and fell asleep. Since then, they always slept that way.
+/+/+/+/+/+/+/
A year later, the night before they had to leave the wooden house and look for another sanctuary, Ichiru's head moved from side to side frantically.
"No!" he shouted and the moon hit his face. Shizuka had been staring at him as he slept protectively between her arms. She shook his head and cooed him to become quiet.
He opened his eyes and shouted, "Shizuka-sama, they tried to take you away!"
"The next time you dream that…show them how you will protect me. I trust you. Only you, Ichiru."
He fell back into slumber as her mouth hung open with nothing coming out. She thought her heart would corrode from seeing the look on his face and yet she was delighted as much from it. Her eyes searched around the room for something to transform her back to "Shizuka", the one who coldly didn't care for anything.
"Shizuka-sama…" he kept murmuring. "Shizuka-sama, I will become stronger." If he could do only that, they could live as far as his hands could protect her. He'd do anything…
+/+/+/+/+/+/+/
"It is time we meet Zero." Shizuka's eyes lit up and her enigmatic lips looked satisfied, waiting for a meal she had prepared over a long period of time.
She was looking out through the window of the abandoned building. The curtains swayed when she turned around to him, who frowned under his mask. His honesty made her smile, touching her thumb to his lips.
"Let's go meet her."
And when they walked to the forest behind all the familiar buildings, they found the girl. The girl smiled as she sat down on the grass when Shizuka took out her fan from her obi. It had a silver sakura fastener on the bottom, a gift from Zero years ago in the cabin in the woods.
She stepped a few feet away from Zero and Zero was confused on what was going on. But the trees around them knew and they looked like they were waving their arms with the cool wind passing through.
He stood in his place as she opened the large dancing fan. It had a shimmering gold background with red peonies to the right, petals flying. Shizuka's hand extended towards the moonlight and the fan sparkled as her face turned towards the ground. She bent her right knee into her left one and kept the pose before turning around. The fan waved back and forth as she turned her body to face them again. Kneeling to the ground, she brought her arms up and waved them back and forth, back and forth.
Standing up one more, she lifted her head to the sky as the fan pointed towards the ground. Looking at Zero, she knelt to the dirt floor and set her fan to her right before pointing her hands forward to bow.
"I wanted to show you this ever since you were young, Ichiru. This is the dance to the song I sang to you long ago."
Ichiru was speechless, almost forgetting to breathe. He thought he had known everything by now, but like the moon, there were dark areas which were still left unexplored. His heart beat wildly, a feeling he'd lost along the years, at the gracefulness of the woman before him. She was the one he followed and yet, this woman was not 'Shizuka', but a deeper part that he was finally able to touch. Her body conveyed all the words she never wanted to say to anyone, especially to him.
The dance told him of the woman inside Shizuka-sama: The one stripped of all her vampire blood.
As he was about to say something, Shizuka-sama's body fell to the ground as her soul pressed itself into the body of the girl before him. He closed his eyes and sighed at the fact that she would go so far for his brother.
He turned away from the new Shizuka and the trees too became still. His whole body became cold as her kisses.
+/+/+/+/+/+/+/
The way the warmth of his blood drained away the night Shizuka gave up her original body was nothing compared to how his heart now wanted to tear itself open out of madness. Yet, he was calm as she trained him to be.
"Even now, why do you want him and not me?"
"You're not worthy."
Those words were the final thread that split his heart and soul all together. His tears ran down his cheeks childishly. He hated himself for it.
Hadn't she respected him at least now? She held his cheek and pulled his ear towards her mouth. "Before I became what I was and I was given the name I'd be known for…my name was…"
Ichiru's eyes opened widely in shock as he looked at Shizuka.
It sounded familiar…
…as if he'd always known…
…it was the name she guarded her whole life…
…and gave to him.
But when she floated into air,
he apologized for the fact
that he'd lost his purpose to live
and would return
the part of himself,
the one untainted by everything
that had passed
back to his only brother.
His soul promised to one,
and his heart bound to another,
of course his body,
pulled apart and held together
by these two directions,
was born weak.
Realizing all this,
he then set out to head towards
Zero.
Owari. / The End.
Author's notes - I had two other fics before this but they were unfinished and wiped out with the hard drive a few days ago. Of all the things I grieve for when my computer dies is when I think of all the unfinished and unsaved fics. But in a way, what I made in July and now are totally different. In one go, I wrote a whole story but with a 'me' I'd not known was inside me.
When I'd seen Vampire Knight just this year, of course I had to write about Shizuka and Ichiru. They were my kind of couple: Shizuka, who said one thing for pride and did another for love and Ichiru's unbending devotion knowing they both weren't perfect. He loved her even more for it.
Thank you very much for reading and I hope that the feelings I had for these two characters came out and that you could understand them.
Love,
Yui
12/4/2011 12:34:41 AM