Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
Summary: 'No, no, no. She can't be dead. She can't.' The knowledge that he'd caused this - however inadvertantly - tore at him, made him wretch, like he had the spirit of an awful viper dwelling in his stomach. SnapeLily, oneshot
So, yeah, as you can see, I love Snape, and here's another piece about him and Lily. Not sure what else to say, but I hope that y'all enjoy this little fic of mine!
Impossible Reality
Severus feels like someone's kicked him in the stomach.
At first, he's numb. The words hardly register. he stares and stares at nothing before it hits him.
The pain is crippling.
He feels like he's been stretched to the limit and back. Certainly no one can take this kind of pain. Surely, surely, they're lying about this right? It can't be true, right? Right?
Oh, but it is.
And it's his fault.
Sure, the Dark Lord actually committed the act, but Severus had given him the information that led him to her. The knowledge that he'd caused this - however inadvertantly - tore at him, made him wretch, like he had the spirit of an awful viper dwelling in his stomach.
There is actual, physical pain now, and Severus realizes that he's clenching his fists so tightly that his nails have popped through the flesh of his palms.
Good, he thinks. Pain is the only thing he deserves.
Dumbledore said...he said he'd protect her - protect them.
No, no, don't blame him. It's all on you. All your fault she's dead.
At this point, he's shaking, trembling with tears that make him feel more vulnerable than he'd ever been...
The only time he'd actually let himself be vulnerable was around her...
Hatred rushes over him in waves, wearing him down even more, like having the force of the ocean relentlessly belting against rock. He hates the Dark Lord, he hates Dumbledore, but most obviously, most powerfully, he hates himself.
He rubs his eyes with one of his sleeves. He feels the momentary urge to gouge them out, but pushes it down as the grief resurfaces.
"...I do not believe Voldemort is truly gone, Severus..."
Severus leans against the steps of Hogwarts, Dumbledore's words ringing tauntingly, fiercely, in his head.
Of course he wouldn't be gone, he thinks as he presses his forehead into his palms, curling in on himself like a wounded animal. Of course.
The Dark Lord would make his return one day, Dumbledore had made that clear. He would come back like nothing had happened.
And he would try to get to Lily Potter's son.
Unbeknownst to him, something had changed.
In that act, the Dark Lord had made himself an enemy. And a dangerous one at that.
Severus had vowed to protect Lily's son, her last namesake. No matter how much he hated James, he would make sure no harm would come to that boy - the one that survived and carried on his mother's genes.
He hopes that, somewhere, Lily knows this. That she's looking down on him somehow, and knows that Severus has changed sides. Is truly, completely, horribly sorry that this had happened.
A new, steely determination threads through him.
Yes...
He would, for once, make Lily proud to have known him.
And, in the depths of his sadness, a wry and self-loathing smirk twists his thin lips.
"Only for you, Lily."
End.