This will be my stupidest (is that a word?) one-shot EVER. Ye have been warned.
I found this in one of my folders, hiding from anyone's view because it's weirder than the weirdest thing I've ever written (Except for Wesker has a way with weed). It´s pure crack.
When I checked it I thought it was something serious, like angst. Boy, was I wrong.
I had no idea I ever wrote this xD I wonder what was my problem back then.
DON'T OWN RE!
Spoilers for RE5. Am making fun of Scientology. CRACK! I warned you, don't flame.
Notenotenote; I don't know anything about Scientology, except for something with aliens and a volcano. And the head-alien, or whatever, is named Xenu?
South Park is good for your knowledge xD
... Wait, isn't Xenu a Pokemon too?
How Krauser survived.
LOLcats
"Bein' dead, you're doin' it... Rite, akshully." A voice came from above the scarred and heavily mutilated man. "But I don't think it's your time yet."
Jack Krauser sighed. He wasn't dead yet, but it wouldn't take much longer... Ada had beaten him up so bad, it reminded him of pre-school back in Germany. "I'm not dead, ya know?"
"Ehehe, I know, I can tell." The same voice came again. "Do you want to live?"
"Yes." Krauser grunted. "But not like this."
"It's okay, I can make you feel good again, you know, like..." The voice sighed. "Hell, just tell me you want to live."
"I want to live." Krauser replied annoyed. His back was killing him, and if this guy, it sounded like a guy anyway, wanted to help him, this guy should make haste. Krauser was about to give up.
"Tell me in a way so I can understand." The voice chuckled. "I haven't been doin' that well ever since they killed me."
"Pleez, lemme live, I ated ur cookie, but I won't do it again?" Krauser snickered, what a great way to die. Such brilliant last words. Oh, how he hated lolcats right now.
"Okidoki sir." A sting in his neck made him cringe. A wave of strange emotions and a pain that went beyond anyone's imagination washed over his body. And then, just like that, it was over.
Krauser sat up half, trying to get his brain working again. When he looked up he saw who had been towering over him. A mutant. Pretty ugly too.
"Well hello mate, who are you?" Krauser asked confused. "Have we met?" He frowned. "Dude, there's an eye in your shoulder."
"William Birkin, pleased to make your aq... Akwa... Awkward!" Birkin stepped back and jumped away, for no particular reason. "I hope you enjoy your new eh, you."
Jack tilted his head and stared at his body. It looked very bad, but nothing had changed. Suddenly he realised where he had heard that name before. "Birkin, isn't he dead?" Jack gasped. "I sound BRITISH!"
"That's what happened to Al aswell." Birkin replied, still standing on top of some. high tower. "And I'm not dead, I fused with a bandersnatch." He grabbed a hold of a different pole with his sticky, extendable arm and swooshed away.
About two days later, after Krauser woke up from the longest nap in history, he went up to the mirror. He was fully healed, only the mutant arm blade was a reminder of what had happened in Spain. But then his eyes caught a glimpse of something different... Cat's eyes.
"Oh crap, I will need sunglasses now, or else that Wesker bloke will hate me for eternity." Jack mumbled sad. "But first I need to go to the loo."
Wesker suddenly entered the room, as if he had heard Krauser mutter his name. "Jack, good to see you're... Your eyes." Wesker frowned. "How, the hell, did that happen?"
"Well, BanderBirkin saved my life after I said something about eating his cookie and now I'm British, just like you!"
"For the love of..."
Jack smirked. "We can be virus-buddies!"
How Steve Burnside survived.
Nuts 'n bolts.
"My men have already taken him." Wesker had said to Claire on that fateful day.
"We have extracted the virus from his body, what should we do with him now?"
Steve had died, one way or another. Not many people remember how he died, because most of them were just very happy that the emo-kid had joined his family in the after-life.
"I don't know, do whatever you please."
That's what Wesker had said after they had extracted the virus from Steve's body. The people that worked under Wesker had thought of a few great ideas, and ended up resurrecting them.
One day lightnight had pierced the sky, and joy had filled the labs. They had succeeded in doing to Steve what they had wanted to do. They had wanted to give him life again, and it had worked. Pretty well, anyway.
"What the hell is going on?" Wesker entered the lab upon hearing the cheering crowd inside. "You all oughta be working, you don't get paid for cheering. If that's what you aspire, then become a cheerleader, or something." Something in the corner of the lab caught his eye. "Is that...?"
An employee nodded happily. "Yes, it is."
"You did not dispose of the body, but instead resurrected it?" Wesker took off his sunglasses, something that didn't happen that often, and stared at the abomination that was once Steve Burnside. "What is up with the nuts and bolts?"
"We proudly present to you..." The employee paused, a small smirk played on his lips. "The new and improved Mr. Burnside; FrankenSteve!"
"You have got to be..." Wesker didn't finish his sentence, his brain was now processing the information, and suddenly he saw things in a completely different light. "We must show Miss Redfield." Wesker smirked. "I want to know what their kids will look like."
How Luis Sera survived.
Luis' Notes.
Luis' Notes Extra.
Psychic powers.
Me llamo Luis Sera, and I have psychic powers. I can do several things, ranging from reading your mind to quickly teleporting myself somewhere else.
I have survived the attack on my chest, also know as 'Saddler's Tentacle Rape' by doing the latter thing. When I knew he was going to attack me, I quickly teleported myself to a room nearby while replacing my real body with a Luis Dummy™. I quickly drew a wound on my chest, sprayed myself with some ketchup and switched with the Luis Dummy™ at the same moment Saddler removed his tentacle from my body.
I groaned a bit, pretended to die and said some stuff to Leon who, gullible as he is, bought the whole act. Then I waited around for everyone to leave the hall and got back up after Mr. Merchant asked me 'what're ya buying?' ten times in a row.
I chased Saddler, tracked him down and infected him with an unknown virus that would later on cause him to mutate into a giant spider. Why, you ask? Because there is one thing Saddler fears more than Jack Krauser's singing...
Indeed, he fears cats.
And cats eat spiders.
Now where do I find a big enough cat?
How Brad Vickers survived.
How Brad survived...
How Brad survived?
How Brad suvivived?
Oh come on now, how Brad Vickers survived?
... Well, he didn't.
How Albert 'right to be God' Wesker survived.
Scientology.
"I am Xenu, get out."
"I'm busy dying here, but thanks for yelling at me." A burning Wesker muttered dryly. "First you mutate, then you end up in a volcano, and then an alien has the guts to tell you to get out? You have got to be kidding me."
"My volcano, please get out."
"I can't!" Wesker yelled annoyed. "It's taking a lot of time to die in here, I am superhuman."
"And I am not human at all... Xenu needs this volcano, we're going somewhere."
"Who is we?" Chit-chat inside of a volcano. Wesker had finally seen it all.
"Me and my people." The alien, Xenu obviously, pointed at a bunch of other aliens that had appeared aswell. "Please get out, or you will end up coming with us."
Wesker just stared at the aliens, wondering where the hell they could be going. Ah it didn't matter anyway, since his pants were currently embedded into his skin, so anal-probing wouldn't work no matter how hard they tried. "And where might you be going?"
"To visit Tom Cruise, see if he'll let us mate with his sexy wife yet." The aliens replied in unison. "Get out!"
As much as Wesker wanted to get out, he couldn't move around properly. He could hardly feel his legs anymore, and his arms weren't on the right track either. Albert Wesker, pseudo-God, was doomed. It almost made him want to cry, but he didn't, because he wouldn't be able to hide behind his Awesome Sunglasses™. "I can not get out."
"Fine, then you're coming with us."
The aliens all left the volcano and stood on a giant rock nearby. One of them grabbed a remote control and frantically started pushing buttons.
Suddenly Wesker felt something move underneath him, and he panicked for a split second. But he didn't show any signs of panic because once again, he couldn't hide behind his Awesome Sunglasses™. "What the hell?"
The movement underneath him was caused by a machine that was re-surfacing. A big machine, or so it appeared. And because it was going up, Wesker ended up on top of the damn thing. At first this amused the man who wears his sunglasses at night, but when the machine started to hover above the ground, his joy was replaced with confusion. "What the..."
"We're aliens."
"I need to get home..."
"Would you like a ride?" Xenu asked nicely. "We aliens, we're not that bad, you know?" He frowned. "Unless you make fun of our clothes, anyway."
"Suuuuure..." Wesker muttered under his breath. He hoped he would have enough time left to get a new virus and survive his encounters with Chris, Sheva, that damned Excella and the volcano.
And well, you know what?
He did survive!
As for Jack Krauser, part-time British Bloke and ever-so-scarred mutant...
He will never forget the day his boss was dropped off at his office by a UFO.
Conclusion;
You can't kill heroes.
Don't even ask...
First crackfic of 2010, even though half of it was written in 2009. Or 2008. I don't remember.
Have a nice day :3
FUNK