He only ever seemed to look right through me.
I first saw him on the recruit shuttle. He was unshaven and disheveled, and looked like he hadn't slept in days. I was already strapped into my seat when he passed me. His foot knocked into mine, and he barely turned his head as he mumbled an "excuse me" in my direction, then he disappeared into the bathroom. I saw the reason for his condition later when he pulled out a flask. He just looked sad.
Then there was the Academy. Being Leonard McCoy's lab partner was a coveted thing, because he was good at what he did. So, I was elated when I got paired up with him one semester. I quickly found that he wasn't quite as stoic as he looked walking across the grounds. He didn't tolerate laziness or foolishness, but he laughed when I tried to make a joke... sometimes. He smiled when I asked questions, showing I was serious and eager to learn. I really felt we were making some kind of connection until we passed each other on the grounds one day. I smiled and waved, but he simply nodded. No upturned lip. Not even a raise of his hand. He looked away before the disappointment even had a chance to register on my face.
The Enterprise was an adjustment for all of us. I made a few close friends on board, and we spent a lot of our down time in the rec room. McCoy would be there occasionally, on the heels of our captain, Jim Kirk, usually in the middle of some heated discussion. The times Leonard was actually there for recreation, he usually sat in the corner with his feet up, sipping a drink, pulled into random conversations with people as they asked for his input or passed in and out of the room. I would watch him from across the room, my eyes darting here and there, trying to make sure no one was watching me. My chest tightened when he sat sideways on one of the cushioned benches, eyes closed as he leaned back against the wall with his long legs stretched out, crossed at the ankles. Or the days when he sat just watching the room. I lived for those moments when our eyes connected for just the briefest of moments, and I forgot how to breathe before he looked away.
I loved watching him walk toward me in the halls. When he rounded the corner time almost seemed to slow down. I watched his long, purposeful strides as he headed for his destination, wherever it may be.
Then there was the day he actually touched me. I was walking through the halls with a pile of dehydrated food packs in my arms. One fell, and I tripped over it just as McCoy came into view. I was on the ground, surrounded by food packs... mortified, but he rushed to help me.
"You okay," he asked.
"Yes."
I got to my knees and started to collect the food packs, and he stooped down to help.
"You carrying these to the kitchen?"
"Yeah... one just got away from me, I guess."
"I'll help you."
"No, that's okay. I don't want to pull you away from what you were doing."
"It's not a problem."
"You were going the other way."
He stood with several packs in one arm, and held out his free hand to help me stand.
"You're right. I should get where I was headed," he said as he handed it all back to me. "Just be careful."
A slight smile pulled at his lips then, and I smiled back.
"I will. Thanks."
He nodded, that same curt nod that always seemed so cold, and walked away. I stared after him a moment, then went on my way.
I was working late one night, while most of the ship was asleep, and finally had time for a break. I went into the rec room where there was just one other person. We exchanged a polite hello, and then I went to a corner table and put in my ear buds to listen to some calming music.
I closed my eyes for a while, just trying to clear my mind. When I felt myself dozing off, I sat up straight and opened my eyes. There was still just the one other person there. I glanced over and saw that it was McCoy. He was staring right at me. I waited for him to look away, but he held my gaze until I became self-conscious. I smiled and looked down at the table. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he stood, almost relieved that he was leaving... but he wasn't. He walked in my direction, so I pulled out my ear buds.
"Maybe you can help me," he said.
"I'll certainly try."
He sat down in the chair next to me, and his knee brushed mine under the table. He looked down for a moment, then into my eyes.
"Do you think it's... appropriate for a man to just walk up and kiss a woman?"
I flinched. I definitely wasn't expecting that.
"I don't mean to make you uncomfortable," he said.
"No... No, I, uh... I guess it would depend on who it is. Where you are at that moment. You know... how many people at around, that kind of thing. Might be a good idea to know she wants to be kissed by you."
"That's the thing," he said. "Sometimes I think maybe she's not really interested."
"Then it might be a good idea to talk to her first. Or, at the very least, let her know you're interested. Maybe drop some hints?"
"Maybe," he said, "I could tell her that when I see her in the rec room, I can't take my eyes off of her."
"That's a start."
"I could tell her that I love to watch her read. How her facial expressions change when the story gets sad, or funny, or exciting."
My heart lurched. This was a lucky woman, whoever she was.
"That's so sweet," I said.
"And how I love to see her laughing with her friends. I love the sound of her laugh. Her smile."
"I had no idea you were such a romantic, Doctor McCoy."
"Call me Leonard."
"Okay," I said with a smile , then looked down at my hands, folded together on the table.
Though my heart was heavy hearing him talk about another woman, it was nice to have him being friendly beyond professional courtesy.
"Or maybe," he said, "I should tell her how beautiful she looked when I walked in here and saw her resting her eyes."
I looked up.
"How mesmerized I was," he said, "by the way her lips moved while she mouthed the words to whatever music she was listening to."
I couldn't do anything but stare at him. I must have looked like a deer in headlights.
"So mesmerized," he said, "that I had to talk to her to see if she feels the same way about me."
He reached out and put one of his hands on top of mine. I just stared at that hand, so large that it covered both of mine. So gentle as his thumb brushed back and forth. So warm that I felt it radiate through my entire body. Or maybe that was something else.
But what caught my attention most was the slight tremble I felt. The steadiest hands in the fleet weren't so steady at the moment. I knew he was waiting for an answer. Some acknowledgement that I'd heard any of what he said. When I finally felt that I could speak, I cleared my throat and looked into his waiting eyes.
"Blue is my favorite color," I said.
His eyebrows came together, his confusion evident.
"It wasn't always," I added. "It became my favorite color on this ship. Whenever I see a blue uniform down a long corridor, or out of the corner of my eye, I know it might be you."
Leonard smiled. It was the brightest smile I had ever seen cross his face, and it was more beautiful than I ever imagined. Leaving his hand on mine, his other thumb brushed over my cheek as he leaned in to kiss me. The kiss was soft, just a touch until I kissed back, then he put his hand behind my head and I lost any sense of my surroundings. All I felt was Leonard. His lips against mine, his fingers brushing over my skin, his breath on my face when he sighed through the kiss. I think I moaned then, because he chuckled and took my face in both hands.
I sank my hands into his hair and pulled him closer, afraid that he would stop kissing me. The next thing I knew, I was moving. Leonard pulled my chair toward him so that the side of my seat was flush with the front of his. His legs circled my chair, and I sat sideways between them. He moved to the edge of his seat and wrapped his arms around my waist, tight enough that I was almost lifted from my chair. Tight enough that, with one quick move, I could be in his lap.
Confident that he wasn't letting me go, I moved a hand to his face. One of his arms slid up around my shoulders, and he leaned me back in his arms. My hand slid down his chest and gripped the front of his shirt.
We stayed that way, lost in each other, until the sound of a throat being cleared pulled us from the moment. Leonard pulled me to his chest, as if trying to protect me from the prying eyes of this intruder. Our captain.
Kirk had a huge grin on his face.
"It's about time," he said. "I was about to start a pool for when you two would finally get together."
Leonard let me sit up, but held my hand.
"How did you know," Leonard asked him.
"Are you kidding? The way you two stare at each other? Half the ship knows." He looked at me. "Scotty is looking for a set of schematics and can't find them. I told him I'd come find you."
"Yes, Captain. Be right there."
Kirk nodded, then winked at Leonard before leaving the room. Leonard stood when I did, but still had my hand.
"Have dinner with me tomorrow?"
There was anticipation on his face, as if he thought I'd actually turn him down after that glorious make-out session.
"I'd love to," I said.
He smiled, and kissed the back of my hand.
The next night, I waited in the mess hall, watching the door for Leonard. When he finally came in, he looked around. I waved my hand in the air. His eyes found my hand, then slid down to my face as he smiled. I felt a warmth inside knowing that the reason that smile was on his face was because he was looking at me.