For you

There are some things in life for which nothing can be done. That is what she said to me the day our son died.

This is a story I had promised myself never to tell, but now I feel it oddly necessary. A memory such as this should not be lost.

I know that I will soon leave this world; it is in a dog's nature to know when the end is near. So here I am, telling the one story in the world that made me lose my battle with eternity.

The day that my brother was born is the day that I was truly torn between two worlds. The world of my new born brother and of my new born son.

That day I had vowed to seize my torment of the human race.

But we all know that was short lived.

The day my father was defeated he had betrayed all that he stood for. He chose my brother as his heir instead of me, his first born son. He had sent me a sword that would have done a dai youkai no good and he had sent the fang that had protected the Western lands for over 10 generations, the Tetsusaiga, to my baby brother. With that single act of blind compassion he had broken an age old vow that every inu prince takes the day he ascends the throne.

It is a simple vow of naught but three words, but the responsibility that accompanies those three words in one that has kept us alive for so long.

Those three words are: Death Before Dishonor.

InuTaisho, my father, chose death. Thought not his own, not mine, not InuYasha's, but that of my son.

It is odd to me now, how similar Kai's life was to my brother's.

The day that Izayoi died is also the day that Layla died. At first I had not occurred to me that Kai and InuYasha were born on the same day and that their mothers died on the same day six years later.

I knew when Layla was killed that my worst fear had been realized. My father's old enemies, my enemies, had learned that I did not posses the sword that could defeat then, so they had grown confident.

In fear for my son's life I had kept him a secret. He only ever saw InuTaisho once, when he had come crawling back to me begging for protection. He was weak and weary, but I had offered him none. I had ordered him to leave the lands forever. He died a year later.

Kai had been a child with few tears and few sad moments, despite how hard he had lived and the price he had paid for my father's deceit. I had raised him away from danger and trained him well, all his life. But in the end I believe he was the one who had prepared me. Not for life, but for death. He used to speak of it as though it was a ticket to freedom, though he had never desired it above life.

The last thing he had ever said to me was something I will never forget. He had turned to me, just before we were attacked, and said, "If I die before you, you know I'll be waiting for you, right?" I nodded as if I had not grasped what he had meant by it. Maybe he knew he was about to die. He looked at me and smirked. A part of me hated that smirk. But it was the one thing in the world I could not resist. I smiled back at him. In all my life, who would have thought that I would ever bring myself to smile?

He had died in my arms not an hour later. Bled out in the dust, killed the very man that had slayed Izayoi and my father.

Strangely I had not shed a tear; I found myself thinking of my brother. Did this mean that InuYasha was dead too? Was I the only one of my family left? But it had not been natures will to take my brother. He had lived, and I had vowed to protect him from the evils that came hand in hand with our name.

I had vested what energy I had left into fighting him, not to kill him, but to allow him to build up enough strength and skill to protect himself. He had learned quickly and he had fought well, but I had grown exceedingly empty. He had been surrounded by ningens his whole life, he knew nothing of the torments that dai youkai had to suffer, this was good, in a way. But now he was in the grips of his own perils.

Being controlled by a miko is no pleasant experience.

He had a human hart, that much was obvious, but it made me worry. How much abuse could he take from the miko called Kagome? He loved her, too much. He looked at her the way our father had looked at his mother. But she was an odd one. If she loved him as much as she claimed she did then why would she speak to him with such disrespect? Was he not of higher blood then her? He is a prince, not a mere priest.

She distracted him and interfered with his fighting, this would surely be the death of him. But there was nothing I could do about that. He had to go on, on his own. I had never showed compassion towards him, it would only mean that my enemies would soon turn on him as well.

That I could not allow. Some days I think about what my father had said to me the day InuYasha was born.

"Do you have someone to protect?" He had asked as if he did not know.

What would he have done if I had admitted then that I needed the sword to protect my own family? Would he have given it to me? I doubt it. I had been the death of his beloved Aline, my mother. She had died giving birth to me. He had always blamed me for her death. Yet he had never blamed InuYasha for anything. Not even after Izayoi had died, maybe it was himself that he blamed this time. He had been the one who had deserted her.

Yes father, I did have someone to protect. I keep saying it over and over in my head and every time it ends with him dashing off anyway.

I grew up believing that I was unworthy of my status, he had always told me that I was nothing but a worthless little prince and that I would die one. He was right in the end. I would die a worthless prince. I could feel it in my youki.

I did not care what I died as or at who's hand, as long as I died. What did I have left to live for? Nothing.

InuYasha had the fang, that made him the rightful leader and protector of the West, not me. I was nothing but a gaijin in my own right.

It's amusing now. I am no longer a young, arrogant prince with a palace to go home to and a Lordship to look forward to, no. That had to be InuYasha now. I was a wandering shadow who had, in a fleeting attempt to fill the gap that Kai had left behind, taken in a stray orphaned human girl. It was sad to think that she would be alone now, but I knew that my brother would not have the heart to abandon her, neither would Kagome.

Yes, my time was close. Soon I would see my son again. Soon I will be home and all this pain will disappear. I can only pray that I will not have left my brother to his fate alone. He need not pay for the sins of our father and the disappointment I had been to the world. He will be a good leader and a formidable ruler, with much fewer enemies than me. He has the potential to be liked by many, whereas I did not.

Mind his temper may need some work, but that will come with time. So now as I finish this tale I hope that InuYasha will be the one who reads it and he will be the one who walks the path that was denied me by my own father. And I pray he walks it well. For not he sake of our father, but for the sake of his mother's love, of Kai and even, if he deems me worthy, of my memory.

Rule well little brother, and remember those three words.

Death Before Dishonor.

They are meant for you now. For you and any child that might come from you…

InuYasha closed the diary and sat down heavily on the chair in his brother's study. Tears flowed, once again, unchecked down his cheeks.

'Why did I have to be the one to kill you?' He thought.

If only he had known this before he had foolishly drove the very sword that was meant to protect his family, deep into his brother's side.

"I always loved you Sesshomaru. I worshiped you. If only I had had the guts to tell you. What would you have said to me? If only I had known of your pain, maybe I could have helped you. Why did you try to face it alone? BAKA! Of course you are worthy! You are worth so much more! How dare our father have dishonored you so! Sesshomaru… Aniki… please forgive me for being so ignorant." He whispers as he cries into the soft silks of his brother's unworn royal robe.

For you, Sesshomaru, I will avenge your son's death! If it's the last thing I do! Death Before Dishonor…