Author's note: ANGEL is not mine. Gunn is in the hospital after Wes stabbed him, and he is thinking about how bad he messed up. Also, in this timeline, everybody knows about the Connor fiasco.
Part I
He knows he's messed up. It cost Fred her life, Wes his true love, and him...
It's cost him everything.
He knows that.
He knows that Angel will feel sorry for him. He knows that Lorne will try to get him to sing. He knows that Spike, knowing what it's like to make mistakes, will try to console him in the creepy vampire way.
He knows that when Wes stabbed him, it was justified. That the thoughts going through Wes' head were wrong to judge.
He knows that it's his fault that Fred died.
He can deny it. He can say that he felt useless, that he went to get lawyer-brains to help the team. He can say that he didn't know. He can say that it's unfair to judge him, because everyone makes mistakes.
He can forever be mad at Wesley, once his best friend, but now...
He didn't know where he stood.
He knows he isn't the brains. Wes and Fred were that. Now, it's just Wes.
He knows he isn't the brawn. They have Spike and Angel for that. Maybe even Lorne.
He knows he isn't a people person.
He knows he isn't a lawyer.
He is the guy who made a mistake, who was selfish. He is the guy who ruined his ex-best friend's love life, he is the guy who let down his boss, who killed the girl he once dated.
He is nobody.
He is forever sorry, but "Sorry" isn't enough.
He knows they'll never fully forgive him, just like they never fully forgave Wes for taking Connor, or Angel for tuning evil, messing with their memories, and who knows what else.
He can try to redeem himself, he can try to go back to normal, get his old life back.
But he will forever remember that...
That Fred is dead. That Wesley will never forgive him.
And he knows he will always remember how he lies alone in the hospital bed, a stab wound in his gut, thinking about what a failure he has become. He knows that he will compare this moment to Wesley's fall from grace, and he will forever berate himself for not reaching out to his friend in those moments.
He knows it's wrong. He knows he is wrong. But he wishes that he...
He wishes that he could start over. In this moment, he doesn't care if the people he saved die. He just wants to start over.
He wants to be forgiven.
He wants life to be simple, black and white. Vampires and demons versus Angel Investigations. He wants it to be Angel, Cordy, Lorne, Fred, Wes and him against the world. He wants their dead loved ones to come back to life.
He wants a happy ending.
Right now, all he wants is someone to come into his room and say, "It's OK."
He wants someone to say, "We forgive you."
He wants someone to come in, grab his hand, and say, "Wake up, Gunn. Stop screaming. It's just a nightmare. It's all a horrible nightmare. It's not real."
But he knows that it's as real as it can be. As horrible as it gets.
He knows there is no going back.
Author's note: Yeah. For the record, I do not believe that Gunn killed Fred. I do believe that it was bad judgement and coincidence.