Orange Julius Caesar Salad

A parody of William Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar'

Hello, my good readers! Welcome to the brand new Shakespoof, Orange Julius Caesar Salad! Let it be known that I will try my best to update this regularly, and that hopefully it will live up to any expectations set by readers.

First and Only Disclaimer: I do not own Julius Caesar, or the characters therein. Or any of the pop culture figures that may appear. I think you guys would know that. And no, I don't know if I spelled Marullus' name right. Sorry.

Act I, Scene i

Enter many, many, many people, most of them drunk and/or intoxicated and/or under the influence of something illegal. The scene is set with many features of ancient Rome, but, in true anachronism style, there is a pick-up truck in the background. Enter Marullus and Flavius, Roman tribunes, just as Village Idiot runs by, also under the influence of something that should be illegal, but isn't (a Sharpie).

Marullus: Oh, why do these people party like so? Don't they know the great leader Pompey has been defeated by this... this... hooligan?

Flavius: ... You are one of the most educated people in the Roman city and world, and you can't think of a word other than 'hooligan'? You're pathetic. But anyway, yes. I agree. Poor Pom-Pom... speaking of which, what are those on Caesar's statue?

Marullus: -very shocked gasp- They're... they're pom-poms! How dare they forsake the item most treasured by Da Pom-Pom himself?! Look there, there is a large gathering. Let us go be obnoxious buttfaces and intrude and run them all away.

Marullus and Flavius do so, rushing into the middle of the crowd and waving their arms, screaming, shouting, cussing, anything to get the people away. Finally they come across the Village Redneck, who just stares at them and their stupid antics.

Marullus: Who are you and what is your occupation?

Village Redneck: -thick, Southern accent and dialect- Why, my name's Jimmy-Joe, Sir. 'N whut I do's h'ar 'lotta people. I's a occyapayshun-

Marullus: -interrupts- Did... did you say you... 'harlot' people?

Village Redneck: Wh'yeah. I h'ar lotsa people. I h'ar lotta them Mexica-uh-ns, them Greek 'uns, them Afr'can 'uns...

Misunderstanding the Village Redneck causes Marullus to viciously scold him about how 'disrespectful' his position is, how it degrades women (or men, should he have those too), and how he should be put to death for such a thing.

Village Redneck: -confused- But I do sumthin' th' Roman werld needs! Without me, y'all lose 'lotta jobs...

Marullus: A pimp is not necessary, Mr... whoever you are.

Village Redneck: Pshaww. I ain't no pimp. I's a occyapayshunal ther'pist.

Flavius: ... -points at Marullus and laughs-

Marullus: ... Oh... oh... go run home, now isn't the time for you to be hiring anyone. Now go. Shoo. Scurry. Vamoose, Mr. Potter.

Village Redneck: But m' name ain't Potter. It's...

Marullus: I don't care, you idiot. Just run away. Skedaddle.

Village idiot exits, and Marullus and Flavius turn their attention to a statue of Caesar that is decorated with pom-poms. They promptly begin removing them, before a giant cheerleading squad appears and starts beating on them. The curtain falls on the scene as they are killed by homicidal teenage girls.

Exeunt.

Erilis: Well, we're off to a good start.

Diego: They aren't.

Erilis: They're not important, so it doesn't matter. R&R!