Butterfly

By LoveAnimeForever

Tearfully, I kick your hand from his leg, spouting instinctive nonsense about how insignificant you are to us – to me – but these words are lies, don't listen to them. I'm sorry that I have to do this. It probably feels like I'm betraying you, like everything we had means nothing. And it does – or at least, it should – so many things I have done wrong, so many things against the rules… I gave you my reiatsu; I grew attached to you… I stayed too long here, and now I am crying, split in two – the half of me that belongs to you longs to stay, wants to be with you, fight with you, one day make you recognize my feelings; the half of me that belongs to Soul Society is bound by duty to abandon you, to face punishment in Soul Society… Maybe it is better this way – if I erase these useless feelings now, I need not suffer later, when I see you with someone else. But then again, if I return, I won't set eyes on you again, to see you with whomever you chose over me – I would be in another body, melded into a new consciousness, with a new love… Yet this is probably better, to forget and cleanse myself is the best way out of this tangled mess you humans treasure as love. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

Love hurts –

I stray further from you,

Traceless as bygone snow.

What can I do

But metamorphose

Into an unrecognizable form

To escape rejection,

Unbearable grief?

I don't know when it started, but that day, that moment, I allowed myself to slide off the edge of what we called order into the abyss of your carefree life. I can never rationalize my choice of releasing the last grip I had on my discipline, but since I did, I guess I have no regrets. Plummeting downwards in a bottomless pit, or perhaps sliding down a never-ending spiral towards destruction, I never realized how far I had slipped from my duties until they hoisted me back up to daylight by force. I would have liked to see what the end was like, really, but I never saw it because there probably isn't an end. Not for me. That path called "Love" that I was walking down, it is the most poignant of the writhing nightmares that haunt me still. I would forget, but I can't, because I am trapped in this web and I have no strength to tear from these bonds or maybe I simply don't want to – because that would mean forgetting you, this love. If I remember all this now, even when I am in such a pitiful situation, maybe after all this is over, my memories will remain and my love will never fade as my existence will. And in the next life, if there is one for me, I might meet you with these leftover memories and maybe we can love like I couldn't while I was with you.

Waiting to change into a butterfly,

So I can land on your shoulder,

See your eyes,

Hear your voice,

Kiss your lips.

Whisper in your ear:

"Have I seen you before?"

It's been so long – or at least it feels like it – that I've lost the will to live. It's depressing to sit at this window, because through this slit in the wall, I can see only the Soukyoku, see only my execution. Sealed here, I realize it was truly foolish of me to have convinced myself that I could stay by your side, loving you. My original plan was to recover my reiatsu, but instead the gigai prevented any healing and I overstayed my time in your world. Now I pay the price. Soon, I will face that fiery phoenix that has been locked away for so long, thirsty for fresh blood, new criminals to judge. I never paid any attention when they taught us about the execution procedures – it was too morbid for me to face then – so I don't know what will happen, during and after implementation. Maybe it is merely a cleansing, like our slaying hollows; perhaps it is an indefinite sentence to oblivion. I don't know which I would prefer – to be forced into a new body as a new soul and go through so many trials again sounds tiresome, especially since I would not have you by my side to keep me going; to be sent into an eternal slumber is a frightening idea, forever unthinking, floating in a black nothingness… But my memories of you would still be memories of you, pristine and not replaced by dreams of another. The best way out would be to be able to keep my memories after this execution, then perhaps I would be able to track you down, convince you that it's me, and live a long life as your love. But would you believe me if a child turned up at your door, insisting she once knew you in another life, was almost yours and please, she loves you so won't you accept it? I don't think so.

But me,

You will never know.

I am shaping for this birth,

Nothing except to change,

For precious moments,

To experience love unperturbed.

All I can do now is remember all those times we had together – times gone by when we were happy, though I recollect only bittersweet times, because I realized my feelings for you could never be reciprocated. It started that day, when I accidentally entered your world, ghosting through your bedroom wall and stepping on your head. You were indignant and disbelieving, I remember. I repeated myself so many times, but you didn't believe me until the hollow rammed into your house and I surrendered my powers to you so you could protect your family. After that, while recovering I attended school with you, and wasn't that amusing? There were so many people, different than you – than me – but all of you had life, the happy spontaneity that made you human. Absorbing that spirit was probably my biggest mistake – if I hadn't I would still be detached and logical enough to notice that my gigai was not functioning as it should have been. And it all led to this. Yielding to my desires has led me here, awaiting punishment. Still, it was good while it lasted, so I hope you will at least remember it fondly as I am clinging to it desperately. I just wish I had had longer with you so I could have more to remember – to regret, yes, but also to remind myself of my own humanity.

Countless days and countless nights,

Getting ready to search:

Six legs are better than two,

Leave more footprints across the times,

More memories fresh as dew.

It's my last day here, after this I will face my cleansing punishment. I have resolved to go peacefully, although my destination is still unclear to me. If I saw you once more, heard you say those three magic words, then my death would not be peaceful, it would be content. I would fade into oblivion thinking that my affection was not one-sided, even if it was all a lie to comfort me. Or at least we could talk, and I could leave that last imprint upon you, concrete evidence that everything happened, and please remember it happily, without grief, because I had most that I could want and of regrets I have none that concern you. I could tell you everything that I haven't, about me and my past, and then you would remember me as a whole – a person you really knew, a good friend to the last, at least – instead of a fleeting intruder in your peaceful life.

I wish I could multiply my thoughts,

Words become sentences,

Sentences become books,

To leave my memory with you.

I only have a few hours left. They are preparing the ceremony and I am trudging between the guards to face death. But I am resolved. Nothing can shake me. Even the illusions of your reiatsu I have been having lately will not shatter this calm I have built – painstakingly burying emotions away, leaving nothing but an empty shell. The instincts that tell me you are here – for me, what's more – I have thrust aside. Surely no one would be so cruel as to give me news of your coming. Truly, you probably aren't here anyway. But no, such an evil being exists. The devil has silver hair and slit eyes, it appears. And it spouts lies that you are here, with others, to save me. Then there is no hope for me anymore, because my resolve has cracked and broken and I can't help but acknowledge that the reiatsu I have been feeling are not hallucinations. I had wished to go in peace, too. Because I have lived well and my death should be short and quick, snatched forcefully but painlessly by that majestic flaming bird of prey. But no, you are here and so hope has been instilled in me once more, a painful concept, worse than the emptiness I had buried myself in just moments earlier. Why do you do this to me? But I know the answer, unwilling as I am to acknowledge it now.

The day fast and sweet,

The end quick and bitter,

No love lingering as mine.

So this is it. I try not to think anymore, because the more I think, the more I think about you. My last wish – and I tell them it is as such – is that you are allowed to return unharmed. He nods assent and though everyone knows it's a lie, I convince myself of its truth as I am slowly raised to the cross of the Soukyoku. I will die for you, or at least I will die thinking it. If you end up coming the same way as me, I beg your pardon. I did my best, you cannot blame me. And yet, it nags at the back of my mind that it is my fault. My fault for falling for you, for doing so many things I would not do under normal circumstances… But then, why did you have to be so... I can't put a word to how wonderful my perception of you is. Warm? Caring? Human? I feel the heat against me and my thoughts are melted in the intense fire. She is going to pierce me with her massive beak, and when she emerges on the other side of my torn body, it will be my heart that it holds. I cannot bear to look at those blazing eyes, so full of empty malice. You have done wrong, she sings joyfully in my head, mocking and taunting me. I will cleanse you. With justice, you will leave this world clean. Submit, child, and it will not hurt. Give up your sins and leave this place innocent!

This loving moment,

My perfect death.

I obey, slowly slipping into the quiet that I had in my cell. Maybe the Soukyoku has already possessed me, and my eyes are shining with fire as hers are, because I cannot feel the heat. Better that I can die quietly, I guess. I am relieved. But nothing happens and I open my eyes. I am stunned to silence by the sight before my eyes because it is not her beak about to rip through my chest that meets me; it is your triumphant face. And behind you is the destruction of the blade that would have sliced me cleanly in half. So many thoughts crowd my mind, but only one word jostles its way up my throat and past my lips:

I love you.

"Ichigo?"