Harry's Girl 01031992 presents
Jack Sparrow: The Demon Pirate of Fleet Street
A "Sweeney Todd" Parody
Cast
Benjamin Barker/ Sweeney Todd…Joseph Teague/Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean) (I made that first name up for him…if you're wondering where the "Teague" part comes from, Jack's father is Captain Teague)
Mrs. Nellie Lovett…Me
Judge Turpin…Victor Quartermaine (Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit)
Beggar Woman… I'll leave that for y'all to figure out for yourselves
Anthony Hope…Will Turner (Pirates of the Caribbean)
Johanna Barker…Nausicaa of the Spirits
Tobias (Toby) Ragg… Mitsukuni Haninozuka (Hunny) (Ouran High School Host Club)
Adolfo Pirelli… (a gender bent) Sharpay Evans (High School Musical)
Beadle Bamford… Peter Pettigrew (Harry Potter series)
A/N: I will try to be as tame as possible when it comes to the bloody, throat-slitting scenes and any other strong content, so you all don't throw up while reading this.
It will start off serious at first, but as the story progresses, I will gradually add my random hilarity to keep the story moving. Don't be surprised if people get out of character from their normal personalities from what you see in their respected films and/or TV shows. Now…ONWARD WITH THE STORY!!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this parody. They belong to their creators. Nor do the lyrics or plotline…those belong to Stephen Sondheim. And yes, I did alter some of his lyrics. But I do own some of the mentioned movies above.
In the fog on a dark, London night, a great, giant ship called The Black Pearl sailed towards the harbor.
On the ship is William Turner, a blacksmith out of Port Royal in the Caribbean, stood out on the deck and observed his surroundings. He had long, dark brown hair that blew in the wind; his eyes were chocolate brown and his skin was tan from the sun. He had a mustache and a goatee.
Wide-eyed and taking in the scenery, he sang:
"I have sailed the world,
Beheld its wonders,
From the Dardanelles
To the mountains of Peru,
But there's no place like London!"
Then Captain Jack Sparrow, the infamous Pirate Lord, his dark, brown hair in dreadlocks (with a piece of eight hanging from one of them) tied in a bandanna, his eyes heavily lined with kohl, and dressed in an assortment of pirate garb, joined in with disdain in his voice.
"No, there's no place like London!"
Will, wondering why Captain Jack's undies were in a bundle, asked him, "Captain Sparrow…?"
Captain Jack sighed and simply answered,
"You are young;
Life has been kind to you.
You will learn."
A look of disgust then appeared on his face, as the ship was drawing closer to the harbor.
He grumbled under his breath,
"There's a hole in the world
Like a great black pit
And the vermin of the world
Inhabit it
And its morals aren't worth
What a pig could spit
And it goes by the name of London.
At the top of the hole
Sit a privileged few,
Making mock of the vermin
In the lower zoo,
Turning beauty into filth and greed.
I too
Have sailed the world and seen its wonders,
For the cruelty of men
Is as wondrous as Peru,
But there's no place like London!"
Will heaved a sigh of exasperation and patted Captain Jack on his back as the ship docked and they walked onto the street.
"Captain Sparrow," he said, "You've been in a right foul mood this whole time we've been on this voyage. Now tell me, what's on your mind."
"William, it's a long story, and I'm not in a divulgatory mood to divulge what's on my mind." Jack replied.
"Please, I want to know." Will said.
"No."
"PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE WITH SUGAR AND RUM ON TOP!!" Will begged insanely, pouting with puppy-dog eyes.
"Rum, you say?" Jack said, seriously considering this deal. "Alright, I'll tell ye." He sang.
"There was a pirate and his wife
And she was beautiful"
(Cue flashback)
A young Jack Sparrow (but at this time, he was known as Joseph Teague) and his wife, Antoinette (from my story "I'm Married to Jack Sparrow?"), walked through the marketplace with their baby in a carriage, Nausicaa of the Spirits, on a sunny day in London. Antoinette wore a white, corseted dress with a full skirt and a bonnet over her light, blonde hair. Jack casually sipped from a bottle of rum every now and then.
"A foolish pirate
And his wife
She was his reason
And his life
And she was beautiful
And she was virtuous
And he was…
Naïve."
Antoinette lifts Nausicaa out of the carriage and they and Jack walk over to a vendor, where he picks up a flower and a doll for Nausicaa. Jack and Antoinette looked at each other with love in their eyes.
Then, in a dark alley, Judge Victor Quartermaine (a man who wore khaki hunting gear and sported a tall, black toupee), spied Antoinette, and knew that he had to have her.
"There was another man who saw
That she was beautiful
A pious vulture of the law,
Who with a gesture of his claw
Removed the pirate from his plate."
Judge Quartermaine's assistant, Beadle Pettigrew, a short, thinning, and balding man appeared. Quartermaine gave Pettigrew the signal to retrieve the police in order to frame Jack with a false crime.
"Then there was nothing but to wait."
Two policemen then appeared and clubbed Jack over the head and dragged him away to jail. Antoinette could only look on in confusion as her husband was dragged away and her baby cried.
"And she would fall,
So soft,
So young,
So lost,
And oh, so beautiful!"
(End flashback)
"And the lady," Will asked. "Did she succumb?"
Jack, with a tear in his eye, wiped it away as he looked to Will.
"Oh, that was many years ago.
I doubt if anyone would know."
Jack, sucking up his emotion, said to Will, "Thank you, William, if you hadn't spotted me in Tortuga, drunker than a mule, I would still be imbibing myself silly."
"Do you think I'll ever see you again?"
"If I'm not stumbling about the streets, drunk, and getting slapped by salty wenches, you'll most probably find me around Fleet Street."
Will extended his hand, for Jack to shake it.
"Until then, my friend." Will said.
Jack took no notice of Will's extended arm (which was probably getting sore by now, because it had been outstretched for about ten minutes), and walked down an alleyway, grumbling under his breath,
"There's a hole in the world,
Like a great, black pit
And it's filled with people
Who are filled with shit,
And the vermin of the world
Inhabit it."
End of chapter! Should I continue with it, or is it just plain horse pucky? Let me know in your reviews!
-Harry's Girl 01031992