CHAPTER ONE:
UTENSIL GROUP!
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Harry Potter is an angst-ridden kid. That is a fact known to all. Dumbledore's currently problem was that the amount of angst Harry was producing hung around him, poisoning his fellow students. His best friends grew more and more unattractive as time went by, and more twisted by their hormones.
And, of course, Dumbledore could find no answer to the problem.
What would your solution be? How would you deal with a student such as Harry Potter?
I would bring someone filled with even more angst and a teacher or two to bash some sense into them.
And since this is fanfiction…
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Harry had a bad feeling, sitting aboard the Hogwarts Express. And it wasn't because Ginny was shamelessly flirting with him. No, it was the fact that two girls were "hiding" behind a seat, cackling evilly. Ron, for once using the small fraction of a mind he has, pulled out some extendable ears.
"…and then we take the pictures! Instant blackmail!" one cackled, followed by a very unusual laugh of "kukukuku".
"And don't forget to get Mr Grungy. Eww."
"AND WE'D APPRECIATE IT IF MULLET-MAN WOULD STOP LISTENING IN ON OUR CONVERSATION!" both yelled at the top of their voices.
Wrenching the plug from his ears, Harry sighed.
It was going to be a long year.
Of course, there was a positive side to the whole thing. ... oh, wait, never mind. Nothing looked very positive to Harry as the two girls descended the steps of the train.
His main worry was the one in ... COMBAT BOOTS? How the hell did she expect to be treated with THOSE things on?
The two of them eyed him with what was pity or disgust, or perhaps a mixture of both. The way they looked at Ron though...
Harry shuddered. He did not envy Ron at the moment...
Speaking of Envy...
Envy burst into the train compartment, glaring at the pathetic humans before him. Especially the red-head drooling over him. Was that guy gay?
"OMFG ENVY-KUN!"
Suddenly, two girls were flying at him, tightly wrapping their arms around him. He felt his ribs snap and regenorate.
One was taller than him, which surprisingly upset him. Or he envied her, as he is Envy. The other... was short. Shorter than...
"WHO IS THINKING THAT I'M SHORT?"
Envy winced. How does he always know?
O'Chibi-san the Hobbit Man stepped forth from the train, looking like a deranged cow. He angrily eyed the kids staring at him with fire in his eyes.
He opened his mouth to defend his vertically challenged state, when out of nowhere two flying balls of girl erupted in a squeal of joy and attacked him.
"What the-"
"EDO-KUN!"
Ed was very uncomfortable. He was even more uncomfortable when they both jumped off him and did something UNSPEAKABLE.
He was grabbed by the taller one while the shorter one grabbed his nemesis, Envy, and proceeded to push them up together so tightly that the tips of their noses were touching.
"NOW MAKE OUT!" the short one cried.
Ed blushed furiously, frantically trying to escape their grip.
"FUCK OFF I'M NOT GAY!"
Everyone fell silent, exchanging looks.
"Suuure..."
"Edo, anyone who wears leather that tight is gay."
"I have a rash on my ass," Ron announced.
Everyone stared at him.
Envy opened his mouth to say something, but Spoons shook her head.
"Don't waste your breath, he's not worth it."
Forks, with a freaked out look, turned slowly away from Ron, and looked at everyone.
"Ignoring Ron's idiotic, random announcement, we move on." She poked Harry.
"You make a terrible butler. Haven't introduced us-"
Spoons counted on her fingers.
"Taken our bags-"
"Showed us our rooms-"
They both advanced on him, screaming.
"SHAVED YOUR MULLET!"
Harry stuttered uncontrollably. Spoons approached him, slapping the greasy boy. HARD.
"Now, bitch, SHAVE IT!"
"You can't treat him like that!" Hermione said shrilly. Both Utensils turned to face her.
"OH MY FUCKING GOD! IT'S WORSE THAN I IMAGINED!" Spoons screamed, covering her eyes.
"GET HER AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! THE FUGLY GIRL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Forks added.
Hermione burst into tears.
The Utensils exchanged looks.
"Good work, Forks."
"You too."
...it was going to be an incredibly long year.
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AT HOGWARTS...
"'bout time!" Spoons scoffed.
"Fucking boat ride had me worried we were going to drown with Tubby here." She patted Ron on the stomach.
Both girls dramatically entered the doors of Hogwarts the way Aragorn entered the castle after falling off of a cliff in the second LotR movie.
Striking heroic poses, they both shouted.
"IT IS OUR DUTY TO SEE THAT EVERY SMEXABLE BOY IN THE SCHOOL HAS AT LEAST, BY THE END OF THIS YEAR, KISSED ANOTHER SMEXABLE BOY! HUZZAH, MELONS AND BANANAS!"
Ed hit himself in the forehead, sighing loudly. 15 minutes and these girls were already driving his hobbittified self up the fucking wall.
As if things couldn't get any worse, A rugged, greasy man that for once, was NOT Snape appeared, asking for a certain Elven ... what was he saying? Bushie?
Forks glared in confusion, but Spoons knew exactly what the man was saying.
Sitting at the Gryffindor table, Harry gazed longingly across the hall. Whom at? His sworn enemy, duh!
...no, not Voldemort. Voldy is crusty, unlike the utra-sexy Draco Malfoy.
"Harry... did you just call Malfoy ultra-sexy?" Ginny asked, on the brink of tears.
"...I was thinking out loud again?"
Ginny burst into tears, running from the Hall.
"RUN BITCH! RUN AND NEVER GET IN THE WAY OF HAWT YAOI AGAIN!" a pair of very familiar voices yelled from outside the Hall. Harry groaned.
Dumbledore rose to is feet, opening his mouth. Sadly, he didn't get far before being interupted again.
"KISS DAMMIT! I WANT PICTURES TO SELL TO MY FRIENDS!"
Sighing, Dumbledore started to speak.
"Welcome to another year of Hogwarts, blah blah bal, have fun, here's the sorting, llama llama duck."
If anyone noticed that Dumbledore's speech was ... less inspiring than usual, they didn't voice their opinions.
With a dramatic sweep of his arm, Dumbledore announced.
"Students, this year we have some new guests with us that will be staying here with the Utensils group."
"Who are the Utensils group?"
A random kid called out from the crowd.
Before he could do anything, a spotlight hit the Slytherin table.
"To give the world yaoi and slash..."
"To kill homophobes, losers, and steal cash..."
"To denounce the perils of fugly girls..."
"To shave mullets and straighten curls..."
"Spoons!"
"Forks!"
"Team Utensils blast off at the speed of yaoi!"
"Give in now, cuz we know you are gayo!"
"YEOW, THAT'S WHAT WE SAYO!"
crickets
"Wasn't that from Pokemon?"
"Shut up, Neville."
"Pfft, you people have NO APPRECIATION OF YAOI!" Spoons screamed. "THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU WIZARDS! THERE ISN'T ENOUGH YAOI! YAOI YAOI YAOI!"
"...the Sexy Utensils will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts this year," Dumbledore said, clearly regretting his deciscion.
"ATTENTION EVERYONE! ANY MINUTE ED AND ENVY WILL COME IN AND BE SORTED AND THEY ARE THE ULTIMATE COUPLE!"
"...and?" Draco asked.
"OMFG DRACO-KUN!"
Yes, the smexi Slytherin was heavily glomped.
"Utensils, please sit down," Dumbledore said.
"WATCH IT OLDIE OR I'LL BOOT YA!" Spoons screamed.
"She will. Spoons would boot her own mother," Forks said.
"...she's a bitch."
Finally, the Utensils sat down.
Onto the stage came the first years who have no relevance to the plot. Let's here the Hat's song.
"Oh, you may think I'm just the same Mad Hatter,
But looks can be deciving
And I'm one to flatter
Utensils have come,
Everyone, run
Lest you agree
With their way of yaoi," the Hat sang, before pausing. "What, you want more? Screw you, bitches! You come up with a rhyme for yaoi!"
"Flowery."
"Maori."
"Shoe."
"I still have a rash on my ass."
"RONALD, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FUGLY ASS!" Fred screamed from the crowd.
"I do."
Everyone turned to Hermione.
Spoons waved her hand.
"But you don't matter in this world, so neither does your opinions."
The girls applauded the hat's witty poem with lots of enthusiasm. They then turned to Dumbledore.
"Sir, we renamed DADA."
"Or really?"
"Yes, it is now IYAGWSY."
"Iyagwsy?"
"Yepo."
"What does it stand for?"
"If You Are Yay We Say Yay."
"We also have SBOBYIGFTHS."
"That is...?"
"Smexy Boy On Boy Yaoi Is Good For The Human Soul."
"We also have-"
"Enough, here come the students. Thank god..."
After the Hat was done with the boring and unattractive First years, Ed and Envy came onto the stage.
"ENVY-KUUUUUUUUN! IF YOU DON'T GET WITH ED I'LL BOOT YOU ALL THE WAY TO MERCURY!"
Envy gulped, having been on the recieving end of Spoon's kicks before.
"Edward Elric!" McGonagall called. The short blonde stepped forward.
"DAMN HE'S HOT!"
"I wanna some of that sweet, sweet ass."
Envy fumed.
"I can't wait to sex up that cutie."
Hear the snap? That was Envy's self-control.
"FUCK OFF YOU BASTARDS HE'S MY O'CHIBI-SAN SO GO FUCK YOURSELVES!" Envy screamed, surprisingly not killing anyone.
"GO ENVY-KUN! POSSESSIVENESS IS GOLD!"
Everyone fell silent. Ed crammed the hat over his head, desperate to hide his embarrasment.
"Oooh, what's this? You're 162 cm tall and 15? That's short."
"WHO-ARE-YA-CALLIN'-A-SHRIMP-SO-SMALL-A-HAT-IS-A-MOUNTAIN-TO-HIM?"
"And a temper. Say...are you gay?"
"I'M NOT GAY YOU FUCKING RETARDED HAT!"
"...in denile, right. My, you think highly of your brother. Incest?"
"...gross..."
"Maybe not. Saaaay... a Gate... OMFG THAT'S DISTURBING! GAWD YOU'RE EVEN ANGSTIER THAN HARRY POTTER! So you'd better be... GRYFFINDOR!"
Ed went and sat down at that table, scowling.
"Did the hat really call you gay?" Harry asked, frowning.
"Shut up, retard."
Dumbledore massaged his temples.
"Envy- ... Envy."
Envy gave death glares to the others as he sat in the chair, crossed his arms, and gave a SUPER ULTRA KAWAII POUT which was acknowledged by Spoons and Forks.
But, you see, there was a problem. The Hat would not fit on Envy-Kun's head due to the palm tree like stalks sticking out.
The Hat was very displeased to be stretched out, but sacrifices must be made for those we love... or tolerate.
"Hmm... You have an audible aura of envy about you..."
"Well, why do you think my name is ENVY, ya stoopid piece of cotton?"
"... are you by chance, a little angry with the world?"
"I'm angry at the world if its name is HOENHEIM!"
"I see, parental problems?"
"Like you wouln't believe..."
"I see... Well, you are dark, brooding, gender-confused-"
"Watch it."
"-angsty, and obviously gay instantly making you.. SLYTHERIN!"
"Oh, joy."
"Plus, your hair is green. Slytherin colors."
"Stupid damn Hat, I'm supposed to be with Edo!" Envy growled.
"YEAH HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE WITH EDO!"
"ENOUGH!" Dumbledore cried. "The Hat's decision is final, and dammit I need some booze."
"You got a problem, Dumbles," Spoons said disapprovingly.
"Spoons... you were drunk on sake just last night," Forks sighed.
"And it was because ED AND ENVY WON'T MAKE OUT!"
Everyone sweatdropped.
Envy, grudgily, went to the Slytherin table, slumping beside Draco Malfoy.
"Why the fuck am I here again?" he muttered.
"Let's eat!"
And so they ate.
"So, erm, Ed, does that Envy like you a lot?" Ron asked.
"Apparently, we ARE supposed to be sworn enemies," Ed said, inhaling some corn.
"She's hot..." Ron said dreamily.
Ed choked on his chicken and corn paste (Impossible for anyone but a State Alchemist! It's part of the job description).
"...are you okay?"
Ed bursting into heavy peels of laughter.
"E-E-E-E-Envy's ... hahahahahahaha!"
"Mate, she's not that funny."
Ed bit his flesh hand, trying to supress his laughter.
"Envy's a boy."
Ron fainted.
"YOSHI! SOMEONE MADE MR GRUNGY FAINT! COOKIES FOR ALL!" Forks yelled. Spoons pulled out some sake, taking a celebratory swing before having the bottle stolen by Dumbledore.
Snape, tapping his foot to the upturned beat of Aqua, sat with his feet on the table. He was glad he wasn't the DADA, or IYAGWSY and SBOBYIGFTHS, teacher. No worries between Snape being the Potions Master.
Although everyone was having a wonderul time, it was shortlived as it all fun engagements.
Apparently, someone had said something totally homophobic and was madly thrown into the air by Spoonz, punched by Forx, and booted to near high heaven (or hell) by Spoonz again.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S DISGUSTING?"
"DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF SCHOOL YOU'RE IN, BUDDY?"
"YOU'RE DISGUSTING!"
And so forth.
Harry made a mental note not to say anything bad about yaoi in the near future...
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SexySpoons: Yo, people! Please review, and flame if you want. We're just having some fun here, and though other people might get a laugh or two off it. So, REVIEW IF YOU PLEASE!
Fifer: (taps chin) I really think that Fred and George should have their own chappy... AW! Anyway, yeah, R&R puh-leeeeze! Oh, and flames will be used to fuel our giant kitchen in which we roast homophobes and people of our dislikes... J/K! Or am I... Think about that...