The first time you kissed Lilly Kane, you were twelve years old.
"Come on, Ronnie," Lilly insists, pulling you down to sit next to her on the bed. "Don't be such a wuss. It's fun." Lilly waggles her eyebrows suggestively. "And I should know." She giggles and you have to concede that she probably would. "Besides, how else are you going to know what to do when a guy wants to kiss you? Come on." Lilly opens her eyes wide and gives you her most appealing smile. "Please? Just try it."
You laugh, never able to resist her. "Ok," you give in. "I'll try it."
"Good." Lilly leans forward, eyes still half open and lips pouted. You can't help yourself, you giggle and Lilly sits back up. "Veronica," she says, eyes showing her annoyance and the tone you know so well in her words.
"Ok," you say. "Chill." And you congratulate yourself for pretending that you can stand up for yourself.
You look at Lilly unsurely as she leans forward once again. You've never done this before and you feel stupid but you don't want to make her angry so you bite your lip, and then lean in. You can't help feeling awkward, but then Lilly's lips land on yours and you forget that. This may be your very first kiss, but somehow you don't think that kissing anyone else would be like this. Lilly's eyes are closed now, and yours flutter shut as well.
Lilly's mouth opens and you feel her tongue run over your lips, asking for entrance. You let it in eagerly and, through the haze, feel Lilly's hands begin to move along your thigh and up over your ribcage. Gathering your courage, you begin to respond in kind when the front door closes downstairs.
You spring apart, flushed, panting, and neither of you say anything for moment.
"So," you venture at last. "Is that always what kissing is like?"
"Yeah, sure," Lilly replies, her eyes not quite meeting your. "Duh, Ronnie."
You try to pretend that doesn't hurt so much. You know you won't talk about this again.
The next time you were fourteen and you needed advice.
"Am I doing something wrong?" you ask Lilly, flopping on her bed and staring up at the ceiling. "We've been going out two months. Why won't he kiss me?"
"Maybe he's gay," Lilly suggests, and giggles. She shrugs as you glare up at her.
"Well, I don't know, Ronnie. How do you kiss him?"
"Well I… I mean… I just sort of…"
"Oh God, Veronica, we're not going to get anywhere. Come on. Kiss me."
"What?" you sit up, biting your lip, and try to pretend you hadn't been hoping Lilly would offer. "Do you think that'd help?"
Lilly grins. "Uh huh."
Before you have time to think, Lilly's lips are on yours. You kiss her back, your hesitations flying out of your mind. You slip your tongue into Lilly's mouth and your hands move up Lilly's back to tangle themselves in her hair. Lilly moans almost inaudibly and then pulls back.
You both sit in silence for a minute and you try to control your breathing.
"That's how you kiss him?" Lilly asks after a while.
"Yeah," you lie.
"He's gay."
The third time you were fifteen and Logan had dared you to do it.
"Oh, come on," you protest, laughing. "That's not fair."
"All's fair in truth or dare," Lilly giggles, untangling herself from Logan and looking around at her boyfriend and Duncan who are sitting on opposite ends of the sofa in your living room, beers in hand. She grins and positions herself on your lap, putting down her drink.
"Let's put on a show," Lilly whispers, her lips tickling your ear, and you suppress a shiver that you're sure should not have come over you.
"Lilly," you say unsurely, and then stop as Lilly's lips descend onto your own.
The kiss deepens as you lean into each other, and you open your mouth to let Lilly's tongue inside. You fight briefly for dominance, and then you gasp as you feel Lilly's hands slide under your shirt. You slide your hands down Lilly's back to grab at her ass and for a second Lilly's hips began to grind against yours.
A dog barks next door, and you part. Lilly looks at you, an unreadable expression on her face, and then it's gone as she turns to face Logan and Duncan, who are staring at you both, open mouthed. Lilly gets off you and struts back to Logan, a smug smile on her lips.
"Hot enough for you?" she asks Logan, who grins. You say nothing, merely forcing a smile as Duncan slides his arm around you.
You look across at Lilly, and Lilly grins back at you. The smile doesn't reach her eyes.
The fourth time you kissed Lilly you were sixteen and on your way home from a party.
"Come on," you half lift Lilly into the back of a waiting taxi. Lilly giggles and stumbles and falls onto the seat, looking up at the roof.
"It's nice in here," Lilly slurs, smiling. You roll your eyes and push your friend across so you can get in the car. It begins to move and you slump back against the seats.
"Jason tried to kiss me tonight," Lilly grins. "But Logan made him stop." She giggles again. "Jason's hot." "Yeah," you say, wishing Lilly wouldn't get so drunk when you go out. Lilly pulls herself up from the seat and crawls over to you.
"But not as hot as you," she says seriously. "You're hot, Veronica." Before you know what is happening, Lilly has pressed her lips onto hers, eyes shut. You pull back.
"Lilly," you say quietly.
"Love you Veronica," Lilly slurs, eyes still closed and half curled up on the seat. "No one else, Ronnie. You."
You watch as Lilly falls asleep, feelings long held at bay threatening to wash over you. You wonder whether Lilly will remember this tomorrow.
When you meet her at school the next day, neither of you mention it.
The last time you kissed Lilly Kane, you were seventeen and Lilly was dead.
You're dreaming.
It's the first time you've slept since almost getting killed by Aaron Echolls and your exhausted mind is playing havoc with your imagination. In your dream Lilly stands before you, looking just as she had when she was found lying by the pool. You want to hug her, but something holds you back and you can't.
"I did it, Lilly," you say instead. "I found him. I got him." You search your friend's face for a reaction and see the corners of Lilly's mouth lift a little.
"I miss you, Lilly," you can't help saying. Lilly smiles sadly.
"Miss you too," she says. She steps forward and places a soft kiss on your lips.
"Love you, Veronica," she says.
The dream shifts and abruptly you are in pink bikinis, floating in a pool of lilies. You look over at your friend, taking in her perfect appearance.
"Love you too, Lilly," you whisper.