How The Crow Mercenaries Effed Up Christmas.
This is definitely, REALLY not a parody, so don't bother accusing me of such a thing.
I mean it.
(Pre-Elgang)
One morning at five, as the sun rose on the white plains below
Raven awoke, to the crisp feel of snow.
"What the deuce?" he burst out, to his crew's amusement,
At his total and utter confuse…ment.
"What the hell is this, men? What the hell's this cold stuff?
It annoys me even more than fanfiction fluff."
"That white powder is 'snow,' sir, "remarked one mercenary,
"At this time of year, it's not much out the ordinary."
"Well, get that foul…snow off my ship, now,"
Said Raven, "Or I'll pitch your sorry ass over the prow."
But the mercenary just laughed. "Today, you command no one, sir.
It's Christmas, you see, so we're on break, monsieur."
"What? Christmas? I have no knowledge of that.
Now get to shoveling, you sorry prat."
Raven really was confused. Snow? Insubordination galore?
This "Christmas" thing was really making him sore.
"I'm sorry again, sir, but it's in my contract…
'No labor hours, December 25th'…that's a fact.
Now, sir, I implore that you try and calm down.
Maybe have a day out on the town?"
But Raven wouldn't just let this thing go.
He resolved to defeat Christmas, his new foe.
"All right," he began, "If this day is so great,
Then what different course does it take?"
"You see, sir, today is the day that the Savior was born.
He saved us all from sin, including you, this morn.
And there's this dude who brings gifts to good children, they say…
He rides, pulled by reindeer, in a flying sleigh."
Savior? Snow? Christmas? Fuck that noise.
Everyone stops everything just for the deliverance of toys?
This is absurd! We're a group of mercenaries, God's sake.
It makes me want to find someone's face to break.
Unless…
"Um, Sir? What's that face you make?"
Indeed, Raven's features had taken upon the sneer of a snake.
"Nothing," he said. "Pay my expression no mind."
When I'm through with this day, it'll be much refined.
Later that day…
A red-haired boy, and his violet-haired friend
Frolicked through the snow, feeling bliss without end.
When suddenly, it all vanished, leaving nothing but grass
The red-haired boy opened his mouth, and promptly said, "Mother ASS!"
A lady behind them opened the door, asking, "What is the trouble?"
Then saw the field before her and remarked, "Uh…why the grassy stubble?"
The purple-haired magician pouted. "The snow's all gone!" she said, angry herself.
"Who could have done this?" pondered the large-breasted elf.
Prototype: Whoa, whoa, man, back the hell up.
Prototype: What's with the perverse comments about the size of Rena's cup?
Me: Whoa, Proto, calm down. It's Christmas, you see.
Me: If all else fails, we can blame our perversion on… "Alcoholic Glee."
Prototype: Well, that's all fine, but what about the reviews?
Prototype: They're gonna contain a fuckton of bad news.
Me: Proto, relax. If they're even still reading this shitty-ass thing,
Me: Then the reviews won't be as bad as we're foreseeing.
"Well, come back inside," Rena chimed,
"It's time to see what Santa brought you this time!"
"Yay!" said Elsword and Aisha, we presume.
Little did they know that what awaited them was gloom.
"Presents!" Elsword and Aisha proclaimed, bursting back in the house,
But under the tree, nothing stirred – not even a mouse.
Me: See what I did there? Pretty clever, right?
Prototype: Shut the hell up or I'll punch out your lights.
With this newfound sadness, Elsword and Aisha started to cry.
Rena sniffled. "I guess we'll have to kiss Christmas goodbye."
Prototype: Wait, what? Why are they crying? That's so immature.
Me: If you'd just been robbed of free stuff, you'd cry too, I'm sure.
Somewhere in Hamel, the adorable Chung
Was sitting alone, without Eve. His eyes stung.
"How could this happen? It just can't be…
Christmas ruined…for the first time in history."
However, in Sander, Ara was fine.
You see, there'd been no snow there since beginningless time.
"This is the greatest Christmas ever!" she squealed.
However, Ran, in Hamel, to anger appealed.
"What the hell kind of Christmas is this?" he raged, and he roared.
"Even in Hell, there's snow on Christmas day. I'm BORED."
He slumped on his throne, then began to sob.
"I just wanted to see my sister again," his heart throbbed.
HOWEVER,
On the Black Crow airship, Raven was grinning.
"Stole Christmas so fast, them motherfuckers' heads be spinnin'."
He brought his ship down for repairs…
He also decided to take a stroll – and see everyone's newly productive airs.
However, when he walked through the street, he saw nothing but sorrow.
"I guess," Raven heard, "We'll just have to wait through till tomorrow."
Raven's grin dropped. This wasn't how things were supposed to go.
It seemed that the seeds of even less productivity had been sowed.
As he kept walking, he walked by a woodland house,
Where nothing stirred, not even a mouse.
Me: You'll NEVER stop me from typing that, you lout!
Prototype suddenly knocked Me out.
(And then he took over. He writes in italics.)
The lone mercenary knocked upon the door. "Do any of you celebrate Christmas?"
Said a green-haired, solemn elf, "Not anymore."
She opened the door. "Come in – you look tired…
"Rest for now…sit by the fire."
As Raven entered the house, he saw a brilliant green tree.
"What's that?" he inquired upon the evergreen he did see.
"That is a tree that we decorate each year," Rena explained.
"It embodies the spirit of Christmas, you see...the thing that used to be."
He passed a doorway, where Elsword and Aisha lay,
Looking upon the ceiling in total and utter dismay.
"How could this happen? This precious day, gone," Aisha sighed.
Elsword shifted a bit. "I guess…it is goodbye."
Suddenly Raven stopped, and turned to leave.
Rena fretted. "But…don't go. I don't know your name! We've-"
Raven held up a hand, to stop her speech.
"Please…I have something to do. I beseech."
Rena swallowed, but nodded, and closed her eyes.
She felt a warm touch on her forehead, to her surprise.
She blushed, and she opened them, searching for the man she'd missed
The man who'd given her her very first kiss.
Raven, running back to the dock, found his ship ready to fly.
So he took off, through the sky.
He had a new purpose, to which he was committed
To right his wrongs, and deem his conscience acquitted.
LATER THAT DAY
The crew of the ship found Raven asleep,
All tuckered out in the airship's keep.
"Look at him now…like an angel, almost.
Wonder what he did, that made him toast."
Elsword and Aisha shrieked with joy. "Rena, come quickly," they said.
"Christmas day is no longer dead!"
Rena gasped. The fields were all white,
As if someone had come back within seconds, making everything right.
Ran rejoiced. He skipped, jumped and leaped.
"Daddy's back, BITCHES," he said, seeing the snow heaped.
Ara started crying. "What is this!? It's so cold!"
Prototype: BOOM, foxgirl, it's SNOW! Ya got TROLLED.
Chung sat in his home, still feeling sad.
When suddenly a Scottish voice: "Eh, ye got a visitor, lad."
It was a silvery girl, graceful as snow.
"Eve! Yes! I knew you'd show!"
BACK AT THE BLACK CROW SHIP
Raven burst down the door of the ship's Christmas party.
"GENTLEMEN!" Raven roared. "This is an OUTRAGE, you see!"
"Raven, why can't we-"
"You had a PARTY and DIDN'T INVITE ME!?"
And they partied the fuck out of that ship. It was astounding.
Such joy, Raven found dumbfounding.
Suddenly, a present landed in front of him, attached, a note with his name.
Confused, he picked it up, and read the-aw fuck this rhyming game.
Dear Raven,
I'm glad you finally did the right thing.
Now that you've seen the joy this holiday brings.
I'm glad that with your evil, you won the fight.
Merry Christmas to you, and to you a good night.
-?
Elsewhere, a green-haired elf smiled.
She wore a red cap and a santa uniform – female-styled.
She looked out into the stars, Raven's face in her mind…
The one who she knew could be good – sometimes.
Me: Ugh…this PAIN in my HEAD.
Me: Prototype, prepare yourself to be DEAD.
Merry Christmas, dudes. Thanks for reading this crap.