Tête-à-tête: A Conversation between Hermione and Ron's Girlfriend
"I suppose I should start at the very beginning. Before Ron, there was Viktor-"
"Viktor Krum?"
"Yes, Viktor, who was too gentlemanly to do anything. And Cormac McLaggen, who I dumped because he wasn't gentlemanly enough."
"Cormac also plays professional Quidditch now, doesn't he? Did you have a thing for Quidditch players or something?"
"They just tend to show up a lot in my life. But because things never lasted very long with those two, Ron's probably told you he was my first boyfriend. He wasn't."
"Hmm, he did say that."
"Anyways, during our three-year relationship, Ron cheated on me twice."
"Twice?"
"The first time he'll have told you about. Jeanine, some Muggle stripper he slept with when he was too drunk to know any better."
"He did mention her, yes."
"I found out immediately, he apologized to me on bended knee, and even said I could go out and sleep with somebody else to make us even. I don't think he expected me to take him up on the offer. I don't think he realizes I took him up on the offer, though he should have because I left immediately after he said it."
"I think he said you left in anger, and came back the next day with a cooler head and took him back."
"I didn't come back until the next day because I was too busy sleeping with Charlie."
"Charlie Weasley?"
"None other."
"Is it true that … er …"
"Probably. Charlie was certainly a lot better in the sack than Ron ever was. Anyways, I had told him about Ron's offer, he had found it amusing, we slept together. End of story. I went back to Ron the next morning."
"And the second time?"
"The second time is trickier, especially as I've made sort of an unspoken promise not to ever mention it again. Ever. But if you're going to marry Ron, you might as well know. I came home from work earlier one day, wanting to surprise Ron, and caught him in bed with … er, Harry."
"Harry? Harry Harry?"
"Yes. I was furious. We had a horrible row, and Harry wasn't spared. Things were very cold between the three of us, lots of nastiness all around although we kept it out of the press. By the end of the month, I had broken up with Ron, had slept with Harry, and we all decided never to mention the entire debacle again. Being friends was most important."
"I'd … never heard this story before."
"I'd be surprised if you had. That was … lessee … 2000. I met up with Viktor again later that year, and we had a couple of passionate nights together, but he lived in Bulgaria and I lived in England. Neither one of us felt like moving, so we parted on good terms. 2001 is, if you brush up on your Chinese zodiac, the year of the snake. Or, in my case, the year of the Slytherins. I slept with three different Slytherins that year."
"I didn't know about any of this."
"You think I would tell Harry and Ron this stuff? First was Draco. Not so well-equipped, let me tell you, but he more than made up for it with experience."
"Really? I had heard that Malfoy's equipment was … er, more than satisfactory."
"Draco spreads his own rumors about his equipment, love, in hopes that people will believe them. He was followed by Blaise Zabini, who is simply delectable. If you can put up with his arrogance, that is. The last Slytherin was, let's see, it was going to be Professor Snape but I ended up shagging Terrence Higgs, whose equipment is satisfactory but whose technique was terrible. Slytherins make for brief relationships."
"You seem to have slept around."
"I know how to have fun."
"You certainly don't seem the type."
"Appearances deceive. Then, there were a couple of one-night stands. Let me think… Terry Boot, Anthony Goldstein, Hannah Abbott-"
"Hannah Abbott?"
"It was an experiment. I also experimented with Fred and George."
"Experimented?"
"Together."
"Wha- Oh."
"That about sums it up, I guess. I've been busy with work lately, so my personal life has suffered. Except for the occasional quick shag with Neville."
"Oh."
"Are you satisfied now? I assure you that I am in no way still pining over Ron."
"Oh, I'm convinced now."
"Then go on and meet up with your boyfriend. I'm going to have a couple of more drinks."
"Alright, then. See you."
"See you."
…
…
…
"Is she gone yet?"
"Yes."
"Finally. I didn't think I could stand any more of her useless prattle. How does Weasley tolerate her, really."
"I'm not sure. Either way, you owe me five galleons."
"Yeah, yeah. I didn't think she'd actually buy all that bull you stuffed down her throat."
"I was convincing. And she's gullible. Silly bint."
"Is it all right that she thinks you're a slut now?"
"Do I care what she thinks? Besides, as long as she doesn't think I'm after Ron, she's happy."
"Some of that stuff you said must have been true, though."
"I have no idea what you mean."
"For example, few people know about Terrence Higg's prowess, or rather, lack of it, in the sack."
"Lucky guess, then."
"Really?"
"Do you really think I'm going to tell you?"
"Don't think I've forgotten that jibe about my equipment. Lacking, is it?"
"I was simply referring to the state of your-"
…
…
…
"Do you want to get a room?"
"I'm not too drunk to Apparate."
Crack!
Finis.