A/N: Okay, I just want to warn you before you read this, this is in no way intended to be a serious story. This is meant to be humorous, very out of character for everyone. I was bored and had to write something. If you don't like crackfics, you won't like this story. Seeing as you've been warned, please do NOT leave nasty comments on this story. Thank you, and for those of you who do like this kind of story, I hope you enjoy. :)
The wind howled outside the tent. Bella was sound asleep next to Jacob in the sleeping bag.
"But I would be better suited for her, you know I would. With me she could stay human, and keep her life. With you… she'd lose everything," Jacob argued.
Edward looked annoyed. "Well if she wants you, then fine. But I'm not going to just leave her again. Not unless she tells me to go away."
"She will," Jacob said in an assuring, somewhat threatening tone.
Just then, there were footsteps outside the tent. "Hello?" they heard a voice call out.
Both boys stiffened where they sat. Jacob crawled away from Bella towards the door. Edward inched forward as well, keeping quiet.
"Who do you think she is?" Jacob asked quietly.
Suddenly, an obnoxious, scratchy voice came from behind them, singing. "Who's that chick, who's that chick!" the woman sang. Both boys whipped around to see Rihanna sitting in the back corner of the tent dressed like a prostitute of Willy Wonka.
"Who the hell is she?" Edward asked, sounding shocked.
"She's just some crappy overrated singer," Jacob replied.
"Oh," Edward said nonchalantly. He turned back to her. "Get the hell out of here!"
"Shhh!" Jacob hissed. "We have to figure out who it is outside without waking Bella."
"Right," Edward nodded. "Hey you," he said to Rihanna, "get out there and see who it is." When she didn't reply, he looked annoyed. "What's your name again?"
Jacob looked horrified. "Edward, nooo!"
"Oh na na, what's my name?" Rihanna began to sing again.
Jacob shook his head, putting his hand on his face in an exasperated manner.
Edward uzipped the sleeping bag, paying no attention to the figure standing outside the tent. He grabbed Rihanna and drug her out of the tent.
"Want you to make me feel, like I'm the only girl in the world!" she shouted. He threw her off the cliff.
Just then, a little girl walked up. "Now there will be one less lonely girl," the girl said cheerfully.
"Do you want to be next?" Edward growled. The little girl screamed and ran away. "Now who the hell was that?" Edward asked Jacob.
"Justin Bieber," Jacob replied in a dull tone.
"Justin is an odd name for a girl," Edward replied.
"No, it's a boy," Jacob corrected.
"No, it's definitely a girl," Edward replied.
Jacob didn't feel like arguing back. "I guess you could be right, then," Jacob replied. "Bieber is a girl."
"What the fuck's a Bieber?" yet another voice asked.
"Ozzy, get out of here! You and the other celebrities are distracting us from the plot of this story," Jacob yelled. Ozzy wandered back into the woods. Jacob rolled his eyes, then turned to the figure by the tent. He saw that it was a little girl.
"Mister, would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?" She asked.
Edward walked over to them. "What are girl scout cookies?"
Jacob looked horrified. "Dude, you haven't had girl scout cookies before? They're BOMB, you have to try some!"
After Edward had bought some girl scout cookies, the little girl thanked him and walked back off down the mountain.
"Damn, those little girls are persistent these days," Jacob commented.
Back in the tent, Bella was still sound asleep. "She's a very sound sleeper," Edward observed. Just then, he stepped on a candy wrapper on the floor. Bella shot up out of the sleeping bag.
"What was that loud noise?" she asked, startled. "It sounded like a Caucasian male, age 17, stepped on a milky way wrapper."
Edward observed the wrapper he'd stepped on. It was a milky way. "You're good," he replied.
Bella smiled. "Thanks." Seeing that Jacob was still there, she looked to both of them. "Look, I haven't been completely fair to you two. There's something about me that you both need to know before I develop any further relationship with either of you."
Edward and Jacob glanced at each other, both confused.
"What is it?" Jacob asked.
Bella sat up. She grabbed her hair by the roots and pulled - pulled off a wig. Long, red hair fell down her back. She looked away for a moment, then looked back at them somewhat bashfully. "I'm really Miley Cyrus."
They both stared. Then, a smile slowly crept across Edward's face. Jacob and Bella- Miley- both looked at him, disturbed by that smile on his face. Then, without warning, he screamed. Not a normal scream, but the scream of an excited teenage girl.
"Ooh my goooddd… it's MILEY CYRUS!" He ran over and hugged her. "I'm such a big fan, I love you even more now! Marry me, Miley?" When he noticed Jacob's baffled expression, he misunderstood it. "Hey, idea!" he sang. "What if I get Miley and Jacob gets Bella?"
Jacob crawled out of the tent, looking disgusted. "You're both freaks, I'm leaving."
Miley watched him go, surprised. She turned to Edward. "But he didn't even wait to find out the best part-" She reached for her hair "- I'm also Beyonce…"