Before the Light
Diclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who
I've seen a lot of these fics written from rose's POV. I wanted to try the Doctor's. If any of you read my Torchwood series Electricity, this us sort of like that, only for the Doctor.
Anyway hope you like it…
Of course it's hard realising that he doesn't love her anymore but that's the only thing that makes it easier to leave again.
It's hard, leaving the second time. The Doctor won't lie and say it isn't. Of course it is. Even if he had to leave her one hundred times, it would still be hard.
But it's not as hard as the first time. And that's the difference. Maybe if he'd have tried hard enough, he could have found a way for her to stay with him. Maybe. But he doesn't try. A couple of years ago, he would have given anything just to spend a minute with her and now…
Well they've both changed. They're both not the people who fell in love with each other anymore. She's still in love with the old him and he's not even sure anymore. But the Doctor knows one thing for sure: it wasn't true love. He's not even sure that true love exists. It's hard when he's faced with all these jumbled up feelings that refuse to slot neatly into place. There's no logic to this.
He knows he loved her two years ago. He knows that when they had to say goodbye on that beach he loved her. He knows at that moment he would have given anything just to be with her. Maybe what made is so hard last time was the what ifs. The question hanging over both of them. The if onlys.
If only they could have stayed together. What adventures would they have had? What would they have seen together? The Doctor wonders whether if they'd have stayed together, would he have ever stopped loving her like he once did? He suspects the answer is no. After all, if they had stayed together, they would have grown together too. They were brilliant together, nothing can take that away from them, even if they're not those people they once were anymore. Nothing can take the memories.
But he's grown in so many different ways. And she's been chasing after a memory of him for two years. The him she was chasing wasn't the person he is now. The person she wants is the person she now has, the other Doctor.
The real Doctor can't help but feel envious of his clone, for want of a better word. The other Doctor is the him that was two years ago, the him who is still in love with Rose and the him who the real Doctor would die to be right now. But he's not that person anymore and he's not the one who can love Rose anymore. But she's happy and for that, the Doctor is happy too.
Parting is definitely easier the second time. They are no what ifs now. They both can see what life would be like travelling together again. The what ifs are gone. The parting has changed from a tragedy to a formality now. The only what if left is the one that had been there the whole time- what ii they had never parted in the first place?
Sometimes the Doctor wonders of Rose, wherever she is now, wonders about that too. The man she's with is the version of the Doctor she fell in love with. The Doctor wonders if she ever considers what could have happened if they had never been parted. Does she miss the time travel and adventure that is so much a part of him? Did she fall in love with that as well? The Doctor wonders if Rose's Doctor ever gets jealous… Sometimes he wonders if they will even stay together. And other times he believes that they are probably flying around time and space somewhere in another universe. After all, the other Doctor does have his brain and it isn't within the realms of impossibility that he has somehow managed to create a time travelling device.
Most of the time The Doctor tries not to think about it. It's hard and the reality bites every time he does. He's alone again and as he told Donna's family, everyone has someone apart from him.
It's not fair that he's stuck. Half way between loving her and half way between moving one for ever. But he can't turn back time and he can't keep them from ever being parting. So he trudges on, never really able to let go.