This is in response to raspberryichigo's prompt table on Fire & Ice on LJ.
He's stronger than most people think, emotionally and physically, though he refuses to admit it. Despite his protests I know how strong he is, how he's the most pure and innocent thing I've ever known. Knowing that scares the shit out of me, because nobody that good could love a worthless fuck up like me. I've done things that I couldn't justify if I tried. I've done things I don't want to justify, done things that were all in the name of the one sleeping by my side, his strong arms wrapped me as his bare chest remains pressed up against my back. Before him I spent so long fucking most of my life up, drifting aimlessly, that I instinctively lean back against him as if the closer the proximity the less chance he'll let me go. It scares the hell out of me him not being around, of something or someone taking him from me and I have no qualms that I would hunt down the thing that took from me what is mine. He is mine; there is nothing that will change that. I'm a lost soul with no hope of redemption because of my sins but I still have him, nothing has changed that and I know deep down nothing will.
"John man it's 4.40am. Why are you still awake?" He asks me groggily, slowly realizing that as always I'm not sleeping as he does. It's one of the things that drives him crazy and brings out little moments of anger in him at me. I'm not stupid and I know the reason for such anger is because he knows I'm dwelling on the past but when you've fucked up as much as I have it's kinda hard not to. "No more dwelling, remember?"
"That's like asking Logan to stop drinking. Never gonna happen Drake." I say slightly sarcastically, a hint of humour to my voice, but I can tell from the sigh that escapes his lips he's less than impressed. "I can't change Bobby, not everything."
"You could try."
Untangling myself from him I get out from the bed, the look of anger in his eyes apparent to me as I stand by the window, my eyes drawn between the abundance of stars in the sky and his icy blue eyes.
"It's all there still Bobby, in the back of my mind. I can do so much but those goddamn memories don't go away. I'm a dangerous fuck up and we both know that." I spit out, annoyed at myself for not being stronger, for suddenly giving a damn about the memories of the things I have done.
No matter what anybody tells you it's nigh on fucking impossible not to care, regardless of how much of a badass you are. Because while you're maintaining the façade of the carefree rebel inside your mind is screaming out you to feel some guilt, any kind of emotion that reminds you that you're in some way more than just an animal. I know I'm an animal, my actions proof enough, but being with Bobby sometimes makes me think if I tried hard enough I could be some what human again. People still can't look at me the way they do him, no matter how hard they try. And while they struggle to look at me Bobby does so effortlessly, as if looking at me is the most natural thing in the world to him.
"You're not a fuck up! Christ I thought we'd already covered this when you came back."
He moves from the bed, clearly unsettled by my statement, and is stood in front of me by the window. His eyes are fixed on me, making it almost impossible to look anywhere else and I know as I look into those eyes he's the only thing that can offer me hope and the chance for redemption. There's no faith from anyone else, too much distrust in me to believe anymore, but in Bobby all I see still is unfailing faith.
"We did, I just…damnit Bobby why are you with me?"
"What? Because I love you, I think that's reason enough. I don't care what anyone else thinks. Now can we be done with the dwelling for tonight and we can hold you a pity party some other time?" He states matter of factly, his eyes softening as he notices the slight sadness there in mine, the moment of weakness I have allowed myself as we talk. "You're the closest to heaven I'm gonna get John. I know that you always say it's the other way round but it's not. You can survive on your own, even if I don't like the way you do. I can't John, I need you."
I can't find any words that will justify such an honest confession, that will match the sentiment of his words, or let him see my feelings mirror his own. I've never been any damn good with words and he knows that, he's as smart as he is strong. Smiling slightly at him I clamber back into bed and indicate for him to do the same. His arms are back around me once more, clinging to me as if he knows my fears of being lost again. That's the thing about Bobby, beyond being strong and smart he's more than I'll ever be and I'm so goddamn glad for him. Because with him I don't need to be strong anymore, and I don't give a shit what anyone thinks as long as he's there with me.