I am heaven sent
Don't you dare forget.
I am all you ever wanted
What all the other boys all promised
Sorry I told
I just needed you to know
I think in decimals and dollars
I am the cause of all your problems.
--
Sora lay naked, alone, on his lover's bed. He was covered with sweat and that telltale smell. His body was spent, his heart nearly so.
Sex was his way of affirming something. Affirming his bond with Riku. Affirming that he was needed just as he needed. And yet, after his body was pounded into, used, he began to doubt. The aching of his body brought his thoughts back around to the present. He sat up and moaned in tender pain, and went down again. The sheets smelled of Riku. The shower was calling him, and he wanted to wash himself off, but he couldn't muster the willpower. The faint smell of cigarettes drifted into the apartment from out on the balcony. Riku was out in the cool air, wearing nothing more than the bath towel he had wiped himself off with.
Sora called to Riku. It was a needy, mewling cry. Riku didn't give him any heed and when he had finished his cigarette he came in and Sora was lying on the bed completely exposed. Riku sighed and rummaged in the closet for a blanket. He lay down on the couch and wrapped himself up in the blanket, protection from the cold, and fell asleep.
Morning sun woke Sora. Eyes fluttered open and squinted. He shivered. The clock read 6:00; the sun hadn't had time to warm the earth yet. Glancing around, Sora guessed by his absence that Riku had gone to work. The first time Sora had woken up alone he had freaked out, thought Riku had left him, been all depressed. He called Riku and didn't care that he was at work and yelled over the phone, call me, write me a note, something, anything please. Sora had been desperate. Emotionally shocked. Yes, yes Riku said, I'm at work and you can't bother me. The same thing happened again and Sora began to ignore it, turn his eyes away, but it still stung a little every time it happened. It just stung a little less now, familiar but not comfortable. Sora got dressed and wrote a note: I'll be back to make dinner. I love you, Sora. He drew a heart, a little uneven, and left it on the table. He left.
It was 7:30 when Sora finally did make it back to Riku's apartment, groceries in hand. He stood nervously in the doorway and apologized, sorry that he had made Riku wait. Sorry that Riku had expected him and been disappointed.
Riku watched TV while Sora worked in the kitchen. Sora chatted away about his day at work, his unreasonable boss and kind coworkers. About the homeless lady at the bus stop who started up a conversation with him. Riku grunted, his attention split between Sora and the TV, his head aching. Sora set the table and called Riku twice before he got up. Sora continued the one sided conversation but eventually ran out of things to say. Silence ensued, broken only by the quiet noise of the TV that was still occupying Riku's attention. Sora asked if he liked the dinner, and yes, it was good. When he was done eating Riku got up and into the shower. Sora cleared the table and hurried to join Riku. He slid in, hugging Riku from behind, resting his cheek on the broad back. Riku turned and Sora let go, looking up into the eyes, touching the silver wet hair. He welcomed the lips that touched his and there was no resistance to the tongue that slid into his mouth.
The water was steaming hot around them. The heat made Sora lightheaded, and he went almost limp in Riku's arms. He let Riku feel him without resistance, let himself be pushed up against the cool shower wall. The contrast made him shiver. His mind came to life again, and he began to move in Riku's arms. Sora smiled into the wet lips and pulled away, taking Riku's hand and leading him to the bed.
Sora lay there wet and glistening in the streetlight shining in. Riku pushed him back and climbed on top, letting his hands wander over his navel, chest, thighs. Sora pushed up into his hand and Riku lifted his hips higher. He unceremoniously pushed himself in, making Sora moan and shudder in lust. The heat in his stomach curled tighter, making him go faster, the smacking noises and way Sora writhed beneath him only turning him on more. Clouded blue eyes gazed up into his. He could tell he was nearly at his peak and that was the only thing in his mind. He let out a choked cry as he came, riding out the waves of pleasure. He pulled out and walked back to the shower that he hadn't finished.
Sora was left on the bed. He was stunned but still hard and he realized he would have to finish by himself.
He awoke that morning to the sounds of Riku getting ready for work. Sora got up and made coffee, but Riku didn't have time to sit and drink it so he put it in a cup and left for work. Soon after Sora left for the bakery. There was a new kid today who needed to be trained. Sora sighed. He guessed that task would be left up to him. He hoped the kid would be competent at least. Turnover had been high lately and he didn't want to have to deal with someone who would just up and leave in a few months.
The kid's name was Roxas, but he wasn't really a kid. Sora guessed they were about the same age. He was nice and friendly and even cute but Sora felt guilty for even thinking that. They got along well and Roxas was quick to pick everything up. It was the same the next few days and Sora hoped that this kid would stick around longer than the others. At the end of the week Sora was thinking that he could actually be friends with Roxas. Sora invited him out to lunch. They chatted and got along well. Roxas was going to school to become an elementary school teacher. Sora thought that the job would suit him well, with his bright demeanor. He had a girlfriend, Namine, who he had just started dating and liked a lot. Sora was nervous about telling Roxas that he was gay, that he had a boyfriend and not a girlfriend. But Roxas didn't seem to mind at all. After the little confession and immediate acceptance Sora felt even more comfortable with Roxas. He was glad they met.
That night Sora called Riku but he wouldn't pick up. Sora was lonely. He watched his favorite episodes of Friends to fill the void.
The next day Sora called Riku after he was done with work. This time Riku did pick up, and they made plans for dinner and a movie. Sora was exited; much of the time Riku brought his work home with him on his days off do they didn't do couple things together often. At first Sora had been worried that Riku was ashamed of having another boy hold his hand, and not a girl, but then when they did go out Riku had not qualms about kissing in public, and so Sora let it slide. Sora made a reservation at Riku's favorite restaurant. It was on the expensive side, but spending money was worth going out with Riku. However, Riku called the next morning and cancelled. A last minute meeting had been scheduled and Riku couldn't miss it. Sora was disappointed but he knew it wasn't Riku's fault, that work was work and paying the bills came first. Even so, he couldn't help but complain about it to Roxas, who also had a date with his girlfriend. Sora was jealous that Roxas got to spend time with the person he liked and he couldn't.
That night, Sora ended up in a bar drinking the loneliness away.
As it turned out, Riku wouldn't have any free time for the next few months. Sora did his best, going over to Riku's apartment to cook dinner and spend what time with Riku he could. Sometimes, if Riku had already eaten or Sora was late, they ended up fucking and going to sleep. Sora told himself he didn't mind, that it would only last for a little while. Even with Riku sleeping right next to him, though, he couldn't help but feel alone. Sora's going to a bar and getting drunk became a habit. His disheveled appearance, lack of appetite, and somberness were his way of communicating that something was wrong when words didn't have an effect. Riku didn't notice. Roxas did, however. He made it a point to take Sora out sometimes, worried that if he wasn't there Sora would find his way to a bar once again. Roxas brought Sora up out of his emotional rut. The two spent more and more time together as Sora had less and less with Riku.
Sometimes Sora found himself wishing that Riku was more like Roxas, who made it a point to pay attention to his girlfriend's needs. Roxas glowed when he talked about Namine. Sora wondered if Riku ever talked about him with that kind of expression. But then guilt set in, and Sora ignored a truth he had begun to suspect.
Once again Sora and Roxas sat in a coffee shop, talking about nothing in particular. And then, Sora saw Riku across the street. There he is! Right there, with the long silver hair. Sora pointed and Roxas looked with interest at the man who he knew abused Sora emotionally. The man who he thought wouldn't hesitate to abuse Sora's body. The man who Sora would not give up, the man who he loved. Roxas watched as Sora lit up; he glowed, just as Sora said he did when he talked about Namine. Sora's reaction was more interesting that the man standing across the street. Sora waved, trying to catch Riku's attention. He said he had work today, he must have gotten off early…I should call him…no, you can meet him now…I'm sure you'll like him. Sora was babbling.
Suddenly Sora faltered. The next moment the color was gone from his face. His wide eyes were locked.
Roxas followed Sora's line of sight. Riku was there with another man. He bent down and kissed the man sweetly on the lips. Sora began to shake. Riku took hold of the man's hand, and they walked down the street. Roxas reached out to Sora, touching his shoulder, but he wouldn't stop staring. Tears ran down his cheeks. Roxas gently shook him, calling his name. Sora, Sora, don't look. Roxas didn't know what to say, because nothing would make it better. It couldn't get better. Roxas knew this, but he still tried, for Sora's sake. For his own; he couldn't do nothing. Eventually, Roxas grabbed Sora by the wrist and dragged him back to his apartment. By the time they got there Sora had come around and they said goodbye at the door, because Sora just wanted to be alone. A week passed and no one had seen Sora. Riku even called Sora and left a message, come to my place tonight. Always obedient, Sora did as Riku told. He showed up at the apartment at the time he usually would. He walked inside.
Sora had not cried again after Roxas brought him to his apartment. So now, his pent up feelings were let loose in a torrent of screams and tears.
When he was done, he stood there in front of Riku, vision blurry, cheeks red. He was waiting for an answer, an explanation, a reaction. Riku slapped him, hard. Sora stumbled with the impact. Riku caught him and held him close. Sora began to shake again, and he buried his face in Riku's chest, crying. Riku held him, soothed him, kissed his forehead, cheek, nose, lips. He walked Sora back to the bed, still kissing him and undressed him. He pushed one, two fingers inside Sora. Sore stared at the ceiling, quiet and still. Riku made sure he was ready before entering him. He moved slowly and steadily and gently. He held Sora's hand and kissed him. Afterwards, Riku held Sora to his chest and slept.
--
I love you so much.
Do me a favor, baby don't reply,
Cause I can dish it out, but I can't take it.
--
Lyrics by Brand New