I lean against the doorframe and gulp.
I can see her in the reflection in the window, scrubbing soapy dishes, humming gently to something on the radio. I can barely hear it.
Warm eyes. Slow burn smile. Eyes watering around the edges.
Lindsey.
I blink twice and she's still there. Exactly like the picture on the packet. Illuminated by the wintry sun, surrounded by a hazy, dusty light. You couldn't make this shit up. If anything it's embarrassing.
I love her. Of course I do. That's a fait accompli, a given. I have done for – what?- eight, nine years? I don't know what the exact date was. It's been quite a long time now. Being in love with Lindsey is old news. Even mentioning it is redundant.
I think most people around here are aware. Or at least if I told them, they wouldn't be very surprised.
The only person who I'm not sure knows is Joe. Which is an interesting thing. Basically I think he trusts me. Or that she's not my type. Or thinks it hasn't crossed my mind.
More likely than any of that: a conclusion from him that any return of feelings towards me on her part is off the cards.
The good thing about that, is that, every once in a while, when he is not looking, and even sometimes when he is, it allows me a moment or two like this.
I approach her and wrap my arms around her waist, joining in with the song.
"The first time ever I saw your face..."
She turns around in my arms and looks up at me. She kisses me on the cheek. I think a bad thing about her and a shiver goes down my spine, I can't help it.
Lindsey certainly does not know.
She presses her forehead against mine and looks at me seriously.
" 'you been crying for?" I ask her.
She starts to laugh.
"Sometimes people just cry," she says.
"I don't," I reply but I wonder if she knows that's not true. I guess she doesn't. She doesn't know much this girl.
"Time of month," she says.
"Yeah, me too," I smile, giving her a squeeze.
I start to sing again to change the subject.
"The first time ever I kissed your mouth" I sing, because I can.
"Good singer, you," she smiles. "Good dancer too, if I remember well enough."
"Who me?" I grimace."Nah."
"Come here," she grins, putting a soapy hand on mine and the other on my hip.
I close my eyes. I'm trying to fix this feeling in my mind. I'm doing that because it might well be the last time. But it's no use. I can squeeze and squeeze them shut but it can't do the trick. It can't make this last forever.
And sure enough I open my eyes and there's click at the door.
Is it Joe? Is this the moment I lay it all bare? She leaves him, we leave together. All the closeness, kisses, attention I crave from her, like a nasty little baby bird, is granted to me in one fell swoop. Regret, family, home, security begone. Is this the first moment of the rest of my life?
No. It's not. It's Ziggy. He grabs her, lecherous slug, exactly as I did and she swats him off, but laughs.
I gulp again. This time it hurts. Her goodness, her gentleness in our moment together was not just for me. It was just the way she is. Same for me, same for Ziggy, same for everyone. I was a fool to think of myself as special. I always have been.
She turns her back and gets back to her work.
But as I walk towards the door, I take one last look back. My eyes fall on the window again and I catch her eye in the reflection. She lied to me. She was crying and it wasn't nothing. She's a broken, beautiful bird in a trap. I stride back to her. It's not a choice that I make, it's what I have to do.
She folds immediately into my arms and I am granted a moment more to store and remember. I know that it's nothing. I know that I am nothing to her. But nothing is enough for me for now.