Disclaimer: Hellsing belongs to, uh, Kouta Hirano, and uh, the studio probably, forgot what they're called, maybe some other people that aren't me. I'm not making money off this...thing. (I would if I could...) Enjoy!
Alucard and Integra had just finished having loud, kinky sex that would probably be very interesting to read about. Integra put her cigar in the ash tray and said, "Man, all that sexing sure did make me thirsty." She cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted: "HEY, KOOL- AID!"
Suddenly, a huge pitcher full of cherry Kool-Aid with a face on it busted through the bedroom wall and said "OH YEAH!"
A fun jingle played as he gave Integra his bodily fluids. He also gave some to Walter, who had been standing in the corner, watching, the whole time. Kool-Aid Man thought he was gorgeous, with his long, dark hair and his vest and monocle. Suddenly, he ripped Walter's sexy butler outfit off and started raping him, which was awkward, because, as a pitcher, he didn't actually have genitals.
Integra loudly cleared her throat. "Can you guys do this later? We need to save the rec center!"
"OH YEAH! Let's go do that!"
He produced another large hole in the wall, and they went to the rec center. It was a chilly October evening, and they were all still in their birthday suits, so everyone's nipples were sticking out, and Alucard and Walter's cocks were shrunken, but they were still kind of big because they were normally glorious, towering slabs of man flesh.
The group burst through the wall of the rec center and they all shouted "OH YEAH!" and posed like Charlie's Angels. The tiger-men pointed their laserguns at them. They came from a faraway moon called Tigreluna X166, which was conquered by an army of sexy librarians 30 years ago. The surviving tiger-men fled to England because they were really into the Rolling Stones. They soon became greedy, and now they wanted to tear down the rec center so they could make all the money.
One of them shot Alucard in the face. His name was Kevin Shahlbdedrcvrte and he was engaged to a beautiful girl named Lily, but he was actually in love with his roommate from boarding school, Nate. However, Kevin was desperate for his father's approval, so he buried his feelings deep inside and courted a hot chick. Alucard shot him about 800 times and didn't run out of ammo.
The other tigers freaked out and started shooting at them, but Alucard and Walter kicked all of their asses easily and they all had a ridiculous amount of blood that just sprayed all over the place. It was kind of gross, and they both got tiger blood all over their sexy, naked bodies. Anyway, one of the lasers blew a hole in Kool-Aid Man.
The red liquid gushed out of his glass body as he tried in vain to plug up the hole while muttering "Oh no!" He fell to his knees and doubled over in pain, which caused even more of his fluids to pour out of the top of his head, which was also his torso, I think.
Integra knelt beside him and put what was probably his head in her lap. He whispered "Avenge me." And then Kool-Aid Man died.
The leader of the Tiger-men, LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, emerged from the bathroom that was also the kitchen. His lasergun was bigger than the other tiger-men's laserguns because he was the leader.
"You fat bastards! You killed my dudes! I challenge you TO A DANCE BATTLE!"
They shot him in the face because a dance battle would have been really lame, and his head exploded. The orphans cheered. They were all in wheelchairs. Alucard ate them. Integra looked around the rec center. They hadn't actually saved because most of it got shot up during their epic battle, but she kind of didn't give a shit.
Then everyone died of Diabeetus.
The End.