Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, or any of the other characters portrayed herein. I also do not own the song utilized herein. Enjoy!
"If You Could Read My Mind"
Kagome slammed her door, threw herself on her bed, and began pounding her pillow with all her might. The repeated blows created an ever-increasing indentation in the fluffy, blue-cloaked cotton-filled cloth sack. "Inuyasha, you're such a jerk!! Jerk, jerk, jerk!!"
In short order, her screams of rage gave way to muffled sobs. Outside her door, her younger brother Sota stood and breathed a sigh of relief. "They must've been fighting again. At least this time she got it out of her system before dinner," he commented to no one as he wandered downstairs to the kitchen to grab a snack.
xxxxx
Inside the bedroom, Kagome's thoughts were in a whirl. Why does he do that? He just doesn't understand how much it hurts me when he goes to see that dead… ARGH! Kagome resumed pummeling the pillow, but her arms were too worn out from the last barrage to keep it up for long; instead, she clutched the pillow and cried bitter tears.
I wish Kikyo hadn't been brought back… if she'd just stayed out of the picture, then maybe everything would be all right. Naraku wouldn't have been able to make Kagura, Kanna, Goshinki, and all the other incarnations… Inuyasha wouldn't have started transforming… it's all her fault! Even as she thought it, she knew it wasn't anywhere near true. She fully realized that Kikyo was plotting to destroy Naraku using the Sacred Shikon Jewel, even though she had no idea just how that was going to happen. Still, knowing that she was really on their side didn't make it any easier.
It's still my fault, really… I broke the Jewel. But if I hadn't shot that crow, the Jewel might have fallen into Naraku's hands anyway. If only I'd never gone back there…then I wouldn't feel this way right now. She rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. But there are no "what-ifs"… there is only what is and what is not. Right, Dad? She glanced at the fading picture on her bedside table. The wooden frame surrounded a little girl, a baby boy, and a young, happy couple like a protective barrier. Kagome closed her eyes and shook her head. "I don't have time for this… as long as I'm here, I might as well catch up on my school work."
Her assignment book lay in the center of her desk, right where Sota had left it when he came home from prep school. He still gets every single one from Yumi and Eri on his way home… I'll have to remember to thank him later. She flipped through the pages, each one filled in to a greater extent than the one before it. That's no surprise, with exams coming up in just a few months. I'm falling further behind with every passing day.
"Do you like going to school?"
"Of course not, I…" Kagome's head whirled and stared at the closed window. I must be going nuts… I swear I just heard him talking to me.
She turned to the most recent page and discovered a burned CD taped below the teacher's name and due date. Crap. Mrs. Aisukete wants us to listen to more music in English. Unlike Math – the class she dreaded the most – English was something she found fairly easy to keep up with, despite spending so much time in the Fuedal Era. Mrs. Aisukete was nice, but had a very strange teaching style. In addition to the usual lectures on sentence structure, vocabulary, and spelling, she insisted that her students put their skills to practical use.
Every week, it was something different. Two months ago, their special assignment was translating famous American speeches, like Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address and Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech. This wasn't too abnormal, but she also made her students write out some sort of response to each item (in English, of course): what they thought of it, how it made them feel, how it related to history… she left it to the students to decide.
Hmm… She read the title printed on the CD in permanent marker. American music of the late 60's… whatever. She slipped the tape into her stereo; it automatically began playing the first track.
As the music flowed out from the speakers, she carefully copied the lyrics into a blank page of a notebook. As the song ended, she had a flawless transcription; she even had made notations showing where the music was separated into stanzas.
Now to listen to it again, for real this time. She had discovered that trying to listen, interpret, and respond all at once was too much, so she took it one step at a time.
As the music played a second time, she double-checked what she had written. Suddenly, something clicked in her mind. Wait a sec… what? She quickly restarted the track to make sure she'd gotten it down right. She listened again carefully to the solo guitar intro, soft and slow. A man's voice drifted through the chords:
"If you could read my mind, love, what a tale my thoughts could tell. Just like an old time movie, 'bout a ghost from a wishing well…"
Her heart fluttering, Kagome hurriedly checked her translation dictionary for other possible interpretations of the English word, "ghost". This just can't be right… an old-time ghost from a wishing well?? That's just like…
"In a castle dark or a fortress strong, with chains upon my feet. You know that ghost is me."
Her hands flew to her mouth, and she quickly paused the CD. When I first saw him… he was bound to the tree… This is just too creepy! There's no way some American… from decades ago… knew what would happen! Wait! Of course not… he's talking about a castle… a fortress… not a tree. She laughed with relief. Just a coincidence… she let the player resume.
"And I will never be set free as long as I'm a ghost that you can't see."
No way! Inuyasha was bound to the tree until I came to free him… Her finger hovered above the STOP button, but she found herself unable to set the digit down as the music continued.
"If I could read your mind, love, what a tale your thoughts could tell. Just like a paperback novel, the kind the drugstores sell. When you reached the part where the heartaches come, the hero would be me."
Her arm slumped down as her eyes began to tear up. Oh, Inuyasha… you are always there for me, even when I treat you so badly. I 'sit' you, I yell at you… I don't even know why I do it, sometimes. Even when you said you were tired of rescuing me, when I let Koga escape, you forgot all about that the very next time I was in trouble. You've saved my life more times than I can remember… even when you started transforming into a full demon, you still protected me, though you scared me half to death! She clutched her arms around herself and squeezed, trying to dispel that awful memory.
"But heroes often fail. And you won't read that book again because the ending's just too hard to take!"
I wonder what the end of our story will be. I've… never really thought about it before. If we do manage to defeat Naraku and recover the Jewel, what happens next? What will I do? What will you do, Inuyasha? Will you become a full demon?
"I'd walk away like a movie star who gets burned in a three way script."
You wouldn't just leave me like that, would you? You know I like you just as you are. I… love you… Her hands flew to her mouth as if to keep the words from escaping, but they were already bounding about in the endless spaces of her mind, and it was too late to call them back. It's true… I do love you... just as you are, gruff and all. But did those sincere words I said only once cut through all the hasty ones I've piled on you over time? And what if… I can't stay there with you? If I… never came back… if I had to stay here, would you come with me?
"Enter number two: A movie queen to play the scene of bringing all the good things out in me."
I suppose that's true… you used to be so coarse and crude. You didn't trust anyone with your secret – though it's not like you gave it willingly to me. But you trust me now, don't you? And Miroku, and Sango, and Shippo, and Kilala? I'd like to think that I've been able to help you… but I've been so harsh on you lately.
"But for now, love, let's be real; I never thought I could feel this way, and I've got to say that I just don't get it."
But how do you feel, Inuyasha? You almost never tell me what you're feeling… maybe because I yell at you too much for showing what you feel: bickering with Koga over me, trying to balance the regrets you feel about Kikyo with whatever it is you feel for me. Your face wouldn't look that way when you come back from a meeting with her if you felt nothing at all towards me… right?!
"I don't know where we went wrong, but the feeling's gone and I just can't get it back."
Did you feel something for me once, Inuyasha? Can it be brought back, re-forged even stronger, just like your sword? Love is stronger, and can hurt far more, than any blade.
"If you could read my mind, love, what a tale my thoughts could tell. Just like an old time movie, 'bout a ghost from a wishing well."
Oh, Inuyasha! If only I could read your mind… if only I could know what you think about me… maybe we wouldn't argue all the time. Over you seeing Kikyo, over my coming back to where I belong… but do I really belong here, anyway?
"In a castle dark or a fortress strong, with chains upon my feet. But stories always end."
You're still chained to your past, Inuyasha. Don't you see it? But I want to help you let go… I want you to be with me in the here and now… whether that now is now or five hundred years ago, I want you to be with me! I don't want our story to end, ever!
"And if you read between the lines, you'd know that I'm just tryin' to understand the feelin's that you lack."
Inuyasha, I'm so sorry that I never show you how I really feel! Maybe if I just came out and told you that it hurts me when you see her… maybe if I actually thanked you for driving that annoying Koga away… I don't know why I keep these things bottled up.
"I never thought I could feel this way, and I've got to say that I just don't get it. I don't know where we went wrong, but the feelin's gone, and I just can't get it back!"
I don't know where we went wrong, either… but do you feel like this man? Will what you once felt for me, if anything, ever come back?
The CD moved on to the next track. Numbly, Kagome stopped the player and stared at the words before her on the paper. Sometime later, she turned to a fresh page, the lyrics permanently ingrained in her mind.
Pen in hand, she began sorting her thoughts out on paper. The song had left her deeply shaken. She had just finished the third full page and set the pen down, rubbing her cramping hand, when she heard a knock.
She turned to the door. "Come in," she said quietly.
The door didn't open. "I said, you can come in."
Behind her, the window silently slid open and a red-robed, white-haired figure dropped noiselessly to the carpeted floor.
Oh God… I can't hear him… or see him… but that's definitely his scent. What do I do?
"Kagome…" His normally gruff voice was barely a whisper.
She couldn't control herself. "Oh, Inuyasha!" She sprang from the chair and launched herself at him. She slammed into him at full force, sending them both crashing to the floor. She clutched at the front of his kimono and buried her face in his chest, sobbing.
It took Inuyasha's mind several seconds to catch up to his body. I was expecting her to still be mad… "Kagome, what's wrong? Are you hurt?" He inhaled, half-expecting to smell blood, or a demon, or…
She sniffled a bit and laid her head sideways. "Not in the way you're thinking, but yes. And it's not your fault, so don't you start thinking that!"
"Kagome, I…"
"Shh. You can tell me later. For now… just hold me?" Please, please, please!
Inuyasha was taken aback. Tentatively, he wrapped his arms around the slim young woman; he let them gently rest on her back. When she didn't protest, he squeezed, ever so gently.
"Mmm…" From the angle her head lay at, he could just barely make out a faint smile on her lips.
The bedroom door flew open. "Hey, Sis, it's time for… WHOA! Hey, Mom!"
Kagome's eyes snapped open and stared into his. "Sota," she growled, "choose your next words carefully if you want to live to your next birthday."
"What is it, Sota dear?" Their mother's voice drifted up from the lower level.
"You'd better set out an extra place at the table."
"Are we expecting company?"
"Uh… yeah."
"A friend of yours?"
"Sort of."
"I wish you'd told me sooner… the fare might be a little light tonight. Well, all right. Thank you, dear!"
Sota fixed the scene in his mind as he slowly, carefully closed the door. Inuyasha looked kinda freaked out. And Kagome was definitely pissed, but not at him, that's for sure… Was she…? Nah…
xxxxx
Inuyasha looked up at the clock. Let's see, the little hand is on the five, and the big hand is on the nine… crap, I forgot what Kagome taught me about telling time already! She still hadn't released the death grip she'd had around his waist since the door had shut. "Uh, Kagome? It's almost time for…" he let his voice trail off intentionally, hoping she wouldn't notice his memory lapse.
"Dinner, yes, I know. Inuyasha, I need to tell you something."
Crap. Here it comes.
"I'm sorry I've been so rotten to you."
Huh?
"I've been taking out my frustrations on you instead of telling you about them… I'd much rather talk things over. I'm sorry, but I guess I have a hard time expressing my feelings, too." She stared up into his golden eyes. I love those eyes… those cute ears… his strength, both of body and of spirit. She squeezed his torso even tighter, suddenly perfectly content to just be held in his arms. "But… I do know this much. I know I said it before, but I want you to know that I really meant it then – as I still do – so I'll say it again."
"Umm… Kagome?" His voice was quieter than usual, almost a wheeze…
"Inuyasha… even if you don't feel the same for me, I want you to know that I… love you." That's why I always get so mad when you see her… please, understand. She waited a while for him to respond, but none was forthcoming. "Inuyasha? Inuyasha!!"
She looked up to his face; his eyes stared at nothing. She waved a hand in front of his face, but he didn't flinch or even blink.
Easy, now, Kagome… Ignoring her inner voice, she frantically checked for his pulse and found it, slow and light. The silly goof. Did he honestly faint when you told him that?
"Oogh…"
"Inuyasha! Are you alright?" She tucked her legs beneath her and sat back.
"That's a new one… squeeze the life out of me…" He held his hand to his chest and inhaled deeply.
He couldn't breathe! she realized in a flash. "I'm sorry… I guess I don't know my own strength…"
"Keh. It's fine. It'd take more than that to kill the likes of me."
"Inuyasha, what was the last thing you heard me say?"
The hanyou froze. He thought he'd heard her say… "Kagome, did you really mean what you said?"
"Every word."
"… Kagome, I…"
She closed her eyes and begged whatever powers that be. Please, oh please, don't say it's too late for us!
The words came out in all directions, like an overflowing bathtub.
"I never knew you felt that way about me…"
"I'm so sorry that I never told you enough times that…"
"I'm so sorry that I never told you before that…"
"I love you."
xxxxx
That night, dinner at the Higurashi house was slightly meager due to an unexpected guest. But Kagome couldn't remember one quite as delightful and delicious.
"I think they made up," Sota whispered to his mother as he passed her place at the table on his way to the sink.
"Mm."
Or out, Sota thought. Kagome seemed almost too happy. But he wasn't about to voice this suspicion.
As usual, Grandpa went on and on about some ancient legend passed down from generations before, completely oblivious to everything that had transpired.
For her part, Mrs. Higurashi knew perfectly well what that loud thump was earlier. It was made even more obvious by Inuyasha's poor attempts to conceal the fact that he was sitting awkwardly to avoid setting on his bruised tailbone. But she was not one to let on that she knew. It's about time. She hid her smile behind her teacup.
A/N: This is my first attempt at a songfic… hopefully, it will be well-received. This song came on the radio on my way back from work one day, and my mind wandered to Inuyasha. Suddenly, I saw all the connections… ghost… well… chains… heroes… a love triangle… and I knew I just had to write it! The song is called "If You Could Read My Mind", copyright 1969 by Gordon Lightfoot. It's a very sad song, which is understandable, because it was written about a divorce. It's never good when a loving couple drifts apart… or is torn apart… which is why I hope for the best for Inuyasha and Kagome – even though they are only characters.
On that note, one could even say there are degrees of reality. Case in point: Tamahome and the rest of the Suzaku warriors, from Fushigi Yuugi: all characters within a book, within a manga/anime. And yet, Miaka was a character in the book as well… yet she and the others also exist within the author's mind. Bravo, Yu Watase! Just what is "reality", anyhow? Ah, well… a discussion for another time. I hope you enjoyed this songfic!