SPECIAL EXCERPT OF MAJICKAL: THE FIRST BOOK OF THE CRACKLEDUST SERIES BY C.J. CONNELLY
BOOK TWO: "ICE, ICE AGE" COMING SOON!
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Chapter One
Introducing F.U.-Belle
So that's when the second Zombie Apocalypse began though technically it only involved one pissed-off zombie and a length of lead pipe.
No wait—you asked where it all started, right? Mainly it started with the war, of course.
Didn't you hear about that? Well . . . once upon 3 p.m. a couple Thursdays ago . . .
The vampire paused halfway through lifting the rock to check his GPS. This was the covert spot where the fairies stashed their magic crackle, or so he thought . . .
. . .right up until the shrubbery arose, developed sharp steely edges and launched like a rocket through the air at him—or at least, toward his knee caps. It was unusual to say the least. That hadn't happened during the last vampire raid, or any of the other raids before that.
"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE SUUUCKKAHHHHHHHH!" the ferociously-armed mystery attacker screeched as it continued its furious assault on the vampire's lower calves to ankle region. Was it a walking bonsai tree? What the—?
The vampire blinked, then realized to his relief it wasn't a tree at all. It was a fairy soldier disguised in camouflage war paint and the bonsai tree impression was helped along by the fact that he was very tiny and strapped head to toe with every edged weapon known to exist, giving him a definite "bristly" appearance.
That alone was surprising. Camouflage wasn't included in the spring pastels colour palette, edged weaponry wasn't a trending fashion accessory and overall, fairies were very firm about their designer clothing being correct for the season. Practicality always gave way to 'the look'.
He was followed by another fairy officer, this time in designer-uniforming with a snazzy zebra-striped belt, a large hairdryer and a maxx-hold aerosol hairspray can shoved in his belt loop, in case any flyaway hairs got unruly. Both men were winged and only a quarter of an inch tall, as all fairies were, which was why they were so hard to spot until they stepped (or flew) out into the open.
The vampire smirked. A hairdryer and an aerosol can. Yes, that looked much more like what he expected from traditional fairy law enforcement.
"Spread um, corpse-bag! You're under arrest!" the tiny fairy in camouflage ordered. The vampire just blinked at him, puzzled.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Captain –mumble, mumble— and you're under arrest, I said," the fairy captain whipped a pair of handcuffs out too small to fit the vampire's pinkie finger off his belt as he prattled Fairyland's official legal rights.
"You have the right to dress fashionably! Any clothing out of season may be used against you in the Royal Fairyland Court! You have the right to a manicure, and a pedicure may be offered at the Court's own expense! You have the right to consult a stylist; if you cannot afford a stylist, the Court may at its discretion, appoint a stylist for you—"
"I'm sorry?" the vampire interrupted, bewildered by rapidly changing events. "Why am I being arrested? And I didn't quite catch your name, Captain."
The fairy glared at him, "I'm CAPTAIN—mumble! And under Fairyland law, I don't need to press charges to arrest you beyond the fact that you are openly wearing a black opera cloak during daylight hours –you'll be lucky if they don't hang you— but give me a minute and I'll think up some other charges to add to the docket."
'His name is FOO-Belle," his partner supplied helpfully. The vampire smirked.
"Foo—BELLE?"
The fairy captain rolled his eyes. "I've told you before Dum-Belle, it's F.U.-Belle! Not foo! F! U!—as in—uh," the fairy captain now identified as F.U. paused and hunted for a suitable illustration but none came to his rescue.
"Actually his name used to be Twinkle-Belle—isn't that charming?" Dum-Belle continued cheerfully, "It's those "twinkly eyes" he has you know—but he had it legally changed. I can't imagine why he changed such a nice name?"
"Yeah, like no one ever bullies a 1/4-inch-tall fairy named Twink," Fu muttered under his breath.
In fact, Fu's problems stemmed from being originally born as a human infant. His fairy parents were doting traditionalists and lovingly stole him out of his human baby cradle at birth and replaced him with a brick which naturally is the proper method of fairy consummation. They always claimed later it was a very attractive brick.
Still, it took 3 days before Fu-Belle's biological human parents even noticed their baby was missing or the brick in his cradle and called the police so it can be successfully argued that he wasn't too badly off for being stolen away by the fairies.
As traditionalists, Fu-Belle's parents named their new son "Twinkle-Belle" in the proper manner of fairies. The "-Belle" extension was compulsory to tack on every name under Fairyland Law, male or female, and Fu-Belle felt he'd dodged a partial bullet because it was only traditional for fairy girls to be named after flora. Boys on the other hand, were named either for a pleasant attribute or, in a pinch, the shrubbery. "That-Damn-Leaf-Belle" was a popular name in his neighborhood.
Actually, he came out semi-okay with Twinkle-Belle because apparently he also possessed, as an infant, a very small butt which fit inside his Mum's hand and was frequently joked about at dinner parties—so his given name could be a lot worse!
But his human side eventually kicked in and objected to the indignity—so, as soon as he was of age, Fu had his name legally-changed from "Twinkle" (but there wasn't much he could do about the "-Belle").
It was supposed to be "F.U." but the congenial 900-hundred-year-old clerk at Pixietown City Hall hadn't the best hearing nor, it appeared, had he understood what Fu was going for (and the old geezer hadn't been helped much by Fu's demonstrative hand-gestures either. He thought Fu had a weird method of pointing his finger).
"Dum-Belle, let me handle the interrogation please," the fairy captain snapped, focusing his attention on their vampire prisoner. "My name isn't the point, sir. Back to the point, why is a vampire raiding our fairy magic caches? I don't get it."
"What? I'm not a vampire! What makes you think that?" the vampire asked, crossing his arms against his tuxedoed chest, and defensively tugging his opera cloak around his shoulders. "Actually, I'm—uh, one of your tall, fairy cousins just visiting from—uh, NORTH FAIRYLAND!"
"Are you fu—" Fu checked himself, "funning around with me, sir?" Fairyland had a zero tolerance policy against public vulgarity from its officers while on duty. Also, legwarmers.
"There is no North Fairyland. And it's clear you are a vampire, sir. Opera cloak, widow's peak, Transylvanian accent and—what's that other thing?" Fu snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah—the fangs. It's rather the undead giveaway, pardon my levity."
"Fangs—me? Uh—those are just so I can look, a-ha, "sharp" at all times," the vampire replied nervously.
"Oh—how clever," Dum-Belle clapped his hands enthusiastically. "He does look rather sharp at that. I wonder if fangs will make a fashion comeback? I must write to the editor of the Fairyland Times."
Fu-Belle glared, resisting the urge to do something violent with his collapsible club to help this interrogation along. He had a few unresolved (some might call them psychotic) issues with his rage bubbling beneath his itty-bitty surface.
The mandatory addition of "-Belle" led to outbreaks of rebellion and misapplied rage for young fairy males, including bullying of any magical race which didn't have a mandatory "-Belle" tacked on the end of their name.
Fairy men were small in stature with a lot to prove, especially after they'd had a few drinks. Also, the tights—traditional fairy breeches, dammit!—and the little glittery wings didn't help. Fairy men were the first to vehemently insist not everything about them was, er, little.
After years spent in anger-management therapy (unsuccessful), meditation classes (even less successful), and finally, advanced martial arts where they had to invent a new level of belt advancement just for him, Fu-Belle joined the Fairy Peace Corp, figuring he could channel his well-trained fists of fury and still-not-quite-managed fits of unbridled murderous rage to use. The denizens of Fairyland didn't whine as much about his sociopathic violent tendencies so long as he was out killing other magical races on their behalf.
Plus, legally he got to carry weapons "on the job" though Fu's weapon selection included more variety and imagination than standard Fairyland issue (although standard Fairyland issue only included an industrial hair dryer and oversized cuticle snippers). Fu favored pretty much every large weapon he could strap to his body without collapsing beneath the weight.
"If I were a vampire, could I be standing here in the middle of the afternoon beneath open sunlight steal—uh, I mean, doing nothing much of importance?" the vampire coughed guiltily. "I was just, um, looking around for some fashion magazines. This is all an innocent mix-up, officers."
Both fairy men regarded the vampire critically. True, there was a significant lack of the screaming and bursting into wild, leaping flames that usually characterized vampires being caught in broad daylight. There was a valid reason why vampires inhabited the wild and desolate mountain terrain of Transylvania, official motto: "The blizzard just ended, now time for some snowfall."
"You could be wearing very strong sunscreen," Fu pointed out without much conviction, "Look pal, why are you vampires stealing OUR magic anyway? Crackle is fairy magic and we need it on the go for our dealings with humans. Vampires can't wield it, you don't have the right spells or charms."
"Anyway, don't you have some kind of bat-related magic of your own? Batmen are very popular in the Human World. I've heard rumors."
"Well the "dark and stormy castle, creatures of the night" routine isn't working for us anymore," the vampire whined. "Strange but humans don't want to explore spooky old castles or dusty coffins. It's almost as if they expect something bad to happen."
"Um—"
"But King Armando found out on Majick-Book that sparkling vampires were the new thing! Humans like that now! We just rub some of your sparkling fairy crackle on our skin and viola! The humans actually come running to us!"
"The sunlight doesn't hurt us and we don't burst into piles of smoking ash! The magic makes our skin sparkle like a diamond, while reflecting the natural sunlight back on itself. It's like—like—" the vampire waved expressive "jazz hands" as he sought for the right word, "—majickal! Or something!So Armando has been sending us back for more—there's one young vampire in particular it works especially well on. Howard, or Leonard— something like that. Can't recall."
Ah yes. Well that explained it. Armando Wingsfield Pentagram the 23rd, the King of all Vampires (the other 22 "Armandos" were him too. He wasn't just the last of his line, he was his own entire linage) never heard of such a thing in all his 23 generations (nor had any of his forefathers which were, in point of fact, him once removed).
Fresh, young food that came of its own accord to present itself to his Transylvanian doorstep? It was a never-ending, all-the-blood-you-can-drink buffet! Clearly King Armando was intrigued that fairy crackle made all vampires utterly irresistible to humans, a siren call that had the chattel mooing and snorting and throwing large wads of money to the wind just to get closer to Mother Nature's fang-bearing human predator. It was like millions of cows seeking out the nearest barbeque pit, voluntarily smearing steak sauce on themselves, then lining up to be next on the grill.
Besides, it was very chic and sophisticated, sparkling like a jewel in the open sun and that was just the type of thing to appeal to vampires, a vain –excuse me, "vein"— and stylized breed of monster. Let alone that they could actually "walk in the open daylight again without consequences" bit.
To exemplify his point, the vampire smeared fairy crackle dust across his bare white expanse of chest, tearing open his black silk shirt to get the full effect. The midday sun refracted against the shimmer, throwing off a million diamond facets like hitting a prism or fractured mirror. It didn't appear to touch the vampire however; he was protected from the sun rays by the magical dust.
Both fairies stared, feeling a loss for words. While fairy men in general were no strangers to body glitter, no one would ever consider using fairy crackle for this purpose due to its many odd and curious side-effects.
Too much crackle exposure without appropriate safety precautions and you began trying to teach British children how to fly using only their happy thoughts and harboring insane jealousy against any humans named Wendy.
"The humans like that? Glittery, bare vampire skin attracts them?"
The vampire shrugged loosely, "Well humans, you know. Fickle species. Who can account for their tastes? But King Armando is very clever to take advantage of their fascination."
"Not at our expense though," Fu objected dryly. "How did you vampires discover our magic? It's not like common knowledge where we keep it."
"Well Captain," Dum-Belle piped up, "naturally you're aware that I posted the secret locations of all our crackle caches to Majick-Book. Treasure maps are always so complicated and hard to follow—I didn't want us to lose track of any of them, you know," he beamed with pride and efficiency of a job well done, sure his fellow officer would be falling all over himself with praise.
Fu just gaped at his partner, "YOU—WHAT? You mean ALL OF MAJICK-BOOK knows where our hidden caches of FAIRY CRACKLE are?!"
"No, of course not. That's utterly impossible, Captain," Dum-Belle insisted, "My profile security was set to "Top Secret Mage" and the post itself marked "Do Not Display This Post on Other Majick-Books" so no one else could see it, naturally."
"And Majick-Book has the best security cause all you have to do is click one button and it makes you, like, totally invisible and you can post whatever you want! You should try it, Captain. In fact, I go on there and post my credit card information as soon as the new cards come in. It's such a handy place to keep it, especially since I have to change card numbers often—they keep getting stolen somehow."
Fu-Belle darted a look at their vampire captive who looked suspiciously guilty, then whipped out his iFairy device and pulled up Dum-Belle's profile on Majick-Book. Sure enough, there were all the secret locations posted on his timeline, with handy-dandy hyperlinks stating: "Lost? Map this location in Fairyland now" next to them.
No wonder the vampires seemed to have this sixth sense about where those "secret caches" were and their raids were so remarkably consistent. Mysterious, wasn't it?Equally mysterious how 5,328,566 vampires "Liked" Dum-Belle's post.
Well, fine. Fu-Belle could choose to make a big deal about this but he'd just as soon avoid an international incident that could put Fairyland at risk. Simply put, the vampires were immortal and very dangerous if crossed, and the two mystic races had successfully remained at peace for centuries. The last thing Fu wanted was to cause friction between the two.
"Okay look, we could take you in and hold you for traveling across Fairyland borders with intent to commit a crime on our soil—but we won't arrest you if you will return to Transylvania and inform King Armando that no more thefts by vampires will be tolerated. I'm sorry, but he's just going to have to figure something else out."
"His Majesty will never stand for this insolence from you fairies," the vampire fumed, "he was just voted the Sexiest Vampire on Majick-Book, you know."
"Didn't he vote for himself?"
"Yeah—and—?"
"No point. I was just curious." Fu concentrated very hard on keeping his face as straight as a board but unfortunately it didn't quite work. The vampire could sense he was laughing internally.
"This is an act of treason! You can't press charges against me! I have full diplomatic immunity under King Armando's directive."
"Not when you've crossed Fairyland borders under false pretenses and stolen our magic, sir. I'm afraid we cannot allow that."
"You'll see," the vampire huffed. "Just wait until I blog about this! I have a huge following on Majick-Book! It will go viral and then you'll be sorry! You'll see! Transylvania declares war on Fairyland!"
"Right, sure." Fu didn't believe him and released the vampire to return to his homeland—but as it turned out, he should have listened. For only two weeks later, King Armando officially declared a state of war with Fairyland!