A/N: This story was inspired by Jeon Jungkook's cover of the song 2U, originally by David Guetta and Justin Bieber. The song really touched my heart and since I saw the new Netflix Death Note movie recently, the original anime was on my mind. So today I would like to provide a little introspective piece on Misa. This story takes place just before she loses her memories for the second time.
Disclaimer: Death Note is a product of Studio Madhouse and belongs respectively to Tsugumi Oba and Takeshi Obata. The lyrics incorporated to frame the story belong to their respective owners.
Final Note: For the full effect of this one-shot, I would recommend listening to Jungkook's cover on YouTube while reading it. His cover is really, really beautiful and it has quickly become my favorite song. As a self-certified music junkie, that's saying a lot. Trust me. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy the one-shot.
When It Comes To You
Typically speaking, moments of mental clarity are capable of bringing peace to a soul weary from continuous heartache, and tears shed in these instances of serene solitude often force the darkest corners of someone's despair to light. Understanding one's self can ignite a flame of determination and instigate a much needed change in one form or another. With maturity, people turn away from destructive behavioral patterns, let go of toxic relationships, and gain peace a little bit at a time through loving themselves as well as others.
However, knowledge is often a double-edged sword.
This is especially true for Misa Amane as she travels down a surprisingly lonely street on a particularly dreary Sunday morning, and while she is equipped with her usual smile and outward enthusiasm, sorrow lingers in her eyes. Of course, no one would ever be able to notice that. If there was on thing Misa was proud of, it was her acting ability.
With a silent chuckle she continues on her way, picking up her pace as a few droplets of water fall from the grey sky.
On a road slick from an earlier dousing of rain, Misa catches a distorted image of herself reflected in one of the puddles left behind and her smile falters a little. Stopping, she takes a moment to truly look at herself, at the monster she let herself become.
Then, in a rush of sudden adrenaline she's running, her initial destination forgotten.
On a busier street she runs past businessmen and mothers with their children. She sees a group of teenage girls giggling aimlessly about nothing and hears them gawk at her as she runs past, saying, "Isn't that Misa Amane?"
She blocks out the voices following behind her, picking up speed until she's standing before a familiar skyscraper.
Breathing harshly she stares up at it, remembering her confinement and the moment Rem asked her to relinquish her hold of her Death Note. She remembers being locked into a car with Light, handcuffed and begging for his father to kill her instead of him, his only son. She remembered L, the creepy but brilliant detective she eventually found herself liking before her previous memories of being the Second Kira were restored. She remembers trading in half of her lifespan again for the Shinigami eyes and Light's breathy request for her to kill again.
Back then, she gave no real thought to what she was doing or how her actions affected the world around them.
Only after L's death did her eyes begin to open.
The towering structure of the original Task Force Headquarters stood before her, looming like a shadow of impending death and destruction as it always had. With a shuddering breath she took a step forward and opened the door. Since the Task Force no longer used the building, it was essentially lacking any security, which meant practically anyone could go in and out if they pleased. Few dared to try though, as trespassing was now considered a crime punishable by death according to many Kira followers.
But since Misa was the Second Kira, she had no qualms about entering the building. She strode in leisurely, only looking over her shoulder once to make sure no one was around to see her. Thankfully, everyone around seemed to be too busy to pay attention to her. For the first time in her life, she felt happy to be ignored.
Once in the building she got into the elevator and rode it up to the floor where she had lived for several months after her confinement ended.
"I shouldn't be here," she thought, feeling the weight of the package in her purse. She'd been heading for the post office to send her Death Note away to a man named Teru Mikami, a man Light had chosen to be the next Kira proxy in his stead...and hers.
She happily agreed to the task initially because giving up her notebook meant she could be an ordinary woman again, free from the burden of guilt she had never once shown and also because Light had asked her...and she would do anything for him. However...
Strangely enough, on this lonely Sunday morning she happened upon a song while preparing for the trip to mail the Death Note and a large portion of her memories away.
She immediately fell in love with the singer's voice and the haunting piano melody, at first because it simply touched her spirit. English wasn't a language she was one hundred percent fluent in, but something about the way he sang the lyrics prompted her to search for the translation then listen to it again, and then again, and again.
After the tenth listen she turned off her phone, fighting back tears as she carried the package with the Death Note and the instructions Light had written out for Mikami, fully prepared to send the package and her memories on their way.
But upon seeing her reflection in that puddle of dirty water...something inside broke.
As the elevator doors opened, Misa once again questioned why she was there. Light had given her a very important task to carry out. He was once again under suspicion, and today would be her only opportunity to save him from getting caught. Relinquishing her hold on her Death Note and Shinigami eyes was the only way to do it. There was no other choice in the matter.
So why was she hesitating?
No limit in the sky that I won't fly for ya.
The melodic piano chords played with her brain, torturing her while she entered her old suite. It was still the same, a large common area filled with a couple nice pieces of furniture, a bedroom with a massive King mattress holding the highest thread count known to mankind and the most comfortable pillows a girl could ever ask for, and a spacious bathroom stocked with exotic bath soaps and shampoos.
But the best thing about this space was the large window at the back of the room. Days cooped away in this extravagant prison seemed brighter when the sun peered in those windows, especially at sunset when the sky held hues of crimson and violet, a stark contrast to the current murky view she peered at now as rain once again descended mercilessly from the ominous, black clouds above.
No amount of tears in my eyes that I won't cry for ya.
More chords played in her head. That same voice came back, breaking her heart as sharp realizations pierced through her.
With every breath that I take, I want you to share that air with me.
There's no promise that I won't keep.
I'd climb a mountain there's none too steep.
Misa was the queen of internal deceptions, constantly viewing her relationship with Light as something more than what it was. Her gratitude towards Kira for killing the man responsible for her parent's untimely death blinded her, left her incapable of seeing who he really was underneath that exterior of outward perfection. She had killed just to reach him and when she did finally find him, she flat-out gave him permission to use her as he pleased. Her own fate didn't matter. She resolved to do whatever it took to stay by his side. It was her way of thanking him.
Of course, like any human being, she wanted that love to be reciprocated.
Unfortunately, Light simply wasn't capable of giving her what she truly wanted. He could only pretend. Nothing about his care for her was real.
When he kissed her the first time, Misa internally knew there was nothing in it that said he loved her or was even attracted to her. It was a means to an end for him, but she ignored that feeling and pretended the opposite was true.
As an actress, pretending is her specialty.
When Light temporarily lost his memories, he still interacted with a certain level of disdain towards her. She ignored it then too.
When he held her in the lobby of this very building, there was no warmth to it. She forced herself to feel what wasn't there.
If he valued her at all, it was because of what he could gain from her unyielding loyalty.
When it comes to you, there's no crime.
Let's take both of our souls and intertwine.
When it comes to you, don't be blind.
Watch me speak from my heart when it comes to you.
Misa's feelings for Light weren't just infatuation. Perhaps it started out that way, but somewhere down the line that infatuation transformed into a genuine love for him...as toxic as she now knew that love was.
Cupid ain't a lie, arrow got your name on it.
Don't miss out on our love and regret yourself on it.
She strode to the window, staring out into the industrial landscape of Tokyo with a heart heavily burdened. For a long while she contemplated what her life would have been like if she had never met Light Yagami, if she would have eventually made peace with her parent's murder. Despite the fact he was dead, Misa still carried that old pain on her shoulders. Hatred for the man remained and more and more she was beginning to see what that hatred turned her into.
Her first killings had taken husbands away from their wives, fathers away from children, sons away from parents...
With a few quick strokes of a pen, she became the very thing she hated most of all, a relentless killer. And she hadn't stopped killing, nor would she ever be able to stop knowing the love of her life needed her to do it, even if doing so never resulted in real affection from him.
Open up your mind. Clear your head.
Ain't got to wake up to an empty bed.
When he's pleased with her, he rewards her with physical intimacy, with sweet nothings in her ear, and praise for a job well done.
He'll even say he loves her from time to time. In the past, hearing those words from him meant everything. It cured every insecurity and doubt she had about him and their relationship. Those words gave her hope that she really meant something to him, deep down.
But with age and maturity come clarity. For Misa, the knowledge gained from it is a daily curse she forced herself to ignore until she no longer could.
Share my life.
It's yours to keep now that I've given you all of me.
These words forced her to recognize the truth.
She loved Light Yagami. She loved him more than anything in the world and would do anything for him, no matter how awful it was. She would take a bullet for him. She would claim to be both the original Kira and the second if it were necessary. She would convince the entire world that it had been her elaborate scheme the whole time, having two Kiras instead of one to throw everyone off. She'd happily be executed to spare him from that fate.
But he would never, ever do the same for her.
At some point during all these years, she had given him everything and somehow, even with the few good memories she had of them being together, he hadn't truly given her anything. The love between them was entirely one-sided and knowing that hurt far more than Misa would ever dare to admit.
The Task Force members, Light's family, and even L had shown her more consideration and affection than Light himself ever had.
It was ironic and downright pitiful when she really thought about it.
And he had never trusted her enough to truly share anything with her. The only reason she knew so much about him now was because she had spent all this time observing him, slowly discovering the things that spark his interest or annoy him, his mannerisms, his habits, and everything else that made Light Yagami the man he was.
And recently she realized a part of her, no matter how small that part was, hated him a little.
He was needlessly cruel sometimes, constantly berating her over little things. He avoided her more often than not, escaping to the internet to seek the names and faces of his next victims like some crazed lunatic. He wasn't even bothering to check if the names and faces he received were even truly guilty anymore, leaving that task solely on Misa's shoulders. If she wasn't quick enough to confirm whether or not they were truly deserving of death before Light returned from working with the Task Force, he would simply kill them without question, a thing the Light she fell in love with would have never considered doing.
And then...there was the situation with his sister.
Misa overheard him talking to himself after Sayu was kidnapped, how he contemplated murdering her for the sake of making sure the Death Note didn't fall into the hands of the kidnapper. A day later she watched him literally struggle with himself to let things play out or kill her.
Those seconds were some of the most frightening in her life, and not just because of the way he screamed at her.
It was because in the back of her mind she understood something vital about him in those moments. If he was willing to kill his sister, someone he actually cared about...he wouldn't hesitate to do away with her if it meant he could survive and continue his crusade against the filth of the world.
Truthfully, his request for her to relinquish ownership of the Death Note was his way of getting rid of her without outright killing her. She was a liability now that he was under suspicion again, meaning another sacrifice on her part.
When it comes to you, there's no crime.
Let's take both of our souls and intertwine.
Parting with her memories meant parting with the clarity she had just gained. It meant giving up the woman she had become to revert to the childish girl she had been.
It meant ignoring what she truly wanted...a chance to be loved for real.
When it comes to you, don't be blind.
Watch me speak from my heart when it comes to you.
Misa felt herself smiling as new tears rolled down her face. "What am I thinking? Light loves me. I know he does. That's why he asked me to do this. Like this, I'll be free. He's saving me."
Yet another lie to bury the mutilated corpse of truth. Regardless of its unfortunate placement, loyalty was the one trait Misa would never be able to part with. When she loves, she loves with all she has. That's all there is to it. Even if that love is never returned, she will still give it.
Suddenly, the blonde catches sight of Ryuk's shadow behind her. With careful movements she turns, deciding for once not to put on a façade of cheerfulness as her gaze fell on him. He stared out into the city, a somewhat grim expression on his grotesque face.
"Hi Ryuk," she muttered, sighing. "I guess this is the last time I'll be seeing you."
The Shinigami nodded. "Yeah."
Silence filled the room for a long moment.
"I was going to mail this," Misa announced once the silence became unbearable. With shaky fingers she removed the package from her bag. "But it's probably a better idea if you just take it to the guy Light selected."
Ryuk turned toward her, taking the package from her hands. "So then, you're really relinquishing ownership then?"
She answered with a nod. Silence filled the room again afterward.
This time, Ryuk was the one to break it. "It's been fun. Going to miss that daily dozen of apples you buy me everyday."
At this Misa outright laughed, more tears streaming down her face. "Oh, Ryuk! You crack me up!" She giggled on for a couple more seconds then abruptly went silent, her smile instantly disappearing.
"Ryuk, before you go and I forget you...I have a serious question to ask."
"What is it?"
Misa wasn't certain if Ryuk would tell her the truth or lie. He was weird like that, being a figure of comedy and tragedy all at once. He had no stake in any of this, but acted as if he did sometimes, probably to fool them. After years of being used by Kira, it'd be ironic if Ryuk was actually using Kira himself.
"Well? Spit it out."
Biting her lower lip, she diverted her gaze then voiced the question she already knew the answer to.
"Does Light...love me?"
There was silence for a moment.
"Would the answer change anything?"
The question brought back the melody she prayed she'd forget soon, but knew she wouldn't.
When it comes to you, there's no crime.
Let's take both of our souls and intertwine.
When it comes to you, don't be blind.
Watch me speak from my heart when it comes to you.
Crossing her arms in front of her chest, Misa once again gazed out into the city as the rain cleansed it. She watched the people below, her heart breaking more and more by the second.
"No," she told Ryuk after a while, playing up her usual bravado to hide the horrible ache inside. "It wouldn't. Whether Light loves me or not really doesn't matter anymore. I've made my choice."
Having heard this, Ryuk slowly disappeared from beside her, but before he left to take the Death Note to its new owner, he said one final thing.
"The answer is yes by the way. It may not be how you want it to be, but in his own strange way, he cares for you."
Misa gasped, her heart leaping to her throat only to wonder why that was happening...and furthermore...why was she even here? How did she end up at the old, dreary Task Force Headquarters where that perverted L had kept her stashed?
Feeling utterly confused as the seconds of silence turned to minutes, the blonde stalked out of the room without another passing glance at the view outside. As soon as she was out of the building she started for the apartment she shared with her Light, she began crafting a plan to seduce him the second he got home from his work with the Kira Investigation Task Force where he was valiantly leading the charge against the mass murderer she had once admired.
But even as she set about to enact her scheme, distant, melancholy chords continued to haunt the darkest corners of her mind.
A/N: And that's it. Thank you for reading.